Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 41: Chapter 41

NADIA'S POV:
I am filled with nerves and have been all night so I didn't get much sleep. My mum doesn't look like she's had much either as the bags are evident under her eyes. She woke me up about half an hour ago so that I could get ready but I have fallen back to sleep a couple times since then.
"Nadia, come on now. We have to go." My mum raises her voice, walking into my room and opening the blinds to let the sunlight in.
"I'd rather not, can we postpone?" I ask, half serious.
"Dream on.'' She laughs, pulling the covers off me so that I get up quicker. I am so exhausted, more than usual today because I have been filled with anxiety all night.
I hold up my arms for my mum to take and she does so, pulling me up out of bed with ease. I stay sat as she lifts my legs up to put my joggers on and then lifts my arms so she can put a T-shirt over my head. My throat is so dry and I am gagging for a drink but I am only allowed to have a couple of sips before my surgery. My stomach is also rumbling as I haven't been able to eat anything since last night.
We make our way to the car, without stopping for breakfast in the kitchen because mum has already eaten and I am not allowed to, and we are stopped when we see there is a bouquet of flowers blocking the doorstep.
Mum crouches down to look for a note as I stay upright, admiring the array of yellow sunflowers in the wooden basket. These flowers look handpicked as they aren't smart enough to be store bought and that makes me feel like whoever sent me these either thought of flowers last minute or put more effort into the gift. Handpicked flowers are always more sentimental in my opinion.
"Oh my god," My mum almost squeals and I am more intrigued. "They are from Corey."
"What?" I ask dumbfounded and she hands me the note that was lost inside of the flowers.
"Everybody can have a new chapter, maybe this is where you start yours.
There are always stars you haven't seen and dreams you haven't dreamt.
Good luck, C."
I feel tears forming in my eyes as I read the note over and over and I don't think I can move as my body has turned to jelly, but I know I have to as I have to get to the hospital. Mum picks up the basket and takes them inside and I assume she tells dad to put them in a vase and water so that they don't die. I keep the note in my hand and bring it to the hospital with me.
"Mum, can I ask you something?" I speak up because it is quite a long car journey.
"Of course you can, sweet." She responds, taking a left turn.
"Will you answer honestly with no sugarcoating?" I ask and she nods, letting me carry on. "Do you think this surgery will make me better?"
She stays quiet for a moment as she thinks it over in her head and I can see the torment on her face as she does and that's all the answer I need to know.
"I'd like to hope so, sweet," She finally answers. "If it doesn't then I don't see how that's possible because all of your problems are because of your tonsils."
"That's true." Is all I reply with and she says nothing further either. I have so much hope that this will work because I really want it to, I don't think I have ever wanted anything so much in my life but it's hard not to have some doubt in the back of my mind. I know that all of this started because of my tonsils but what if it somehow got deeper than that? I know I should be excited and positive about this because I have been waiting and fighting for this surgery for months.
We park in the car park and I wait in the car whilst mum pays for the parking and I rest my head on the window, closing my eyes as I wait for her.
She knocks on my window to let me know she is back and I jump. I get out of the car and notice that she has got one of the wheelchairs and bought it outside for me to use. I won't feel too embarrassed using it here as I am going to be in the same building as a lot of people in similar situations to me but it still doesn't stop the voices in my head from creeping in.
I sit in the chair with no complaints as she pushes me inside to the ward we need to be on. I am quite nervous as I have never had surgery before and the thought of being put to sleep knowingly terrifies me. I have seen videos online about people who have experienced waking up and feeling things during surgery and even though the chances of that happening are extremely low, I am still scared of the possibility.
We reach the ward, passing A&E on the way, which was packed, and we check in at the nurses station. We go sit in the waiting room and that too is filled with more people than necessary. The ward I'm on is the day surgery ward and so I can't help but wonder how all these people are going to have their surgeries on the same day. My mum tells me it's because the surgeries are only small and aren't major ones so the surgeons have more time to see everyone.
It's still early in the morning and so I could be here all day, but I hope I get seen soon as my letter told me to arrive at eight. I can't help but observe everyone else in the room and wonder what they are all here for. I know that the woman across from me is getting her tonsils out too because she can't stop speaking about it to whoever she is on the phone to.
I am beginning to get extremely uncomfortable sitting upright in these plastic chairs, so I lean my upper body on my mum's lap and lift my legs onto the chairs next to me as they are thankfully empty. I close my eyes, trying to forget the pain and try to hopefully sleep until my name gets called by one of the nurses.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
I wake up to my mum sighing loudly and I look at the time on the clock to see that it's gone midday and I am surprised that my name hasn't been called yet. "Why are we still waiting?"
"I'm not sure, I couldn't get up to speak to anyone because you were asleep." Mum replies, taking a gulp of her Diet Coke.
"Can I have some water? Or a little something to eat?" I ask quietly as my throat is painful and dry.
"No, sweet. You're having surgery, remember?" She replies solemnly, putting her drink back in her bag so I can't stare at it longingly.
"My head hurts, I need a drink." I begin to cry, due to the exhaustion on top of the pain getting too much for me.
Mum strokes my head as I cry into her side and I don't care if people in this room look at me and think I am a baby, they don't know what I am going through. The hospital letter told me to be here early in the morning and so I was because we all expected I would get seen near to that time. If I had known we would still be waiting around then I would've been able to stay in bed a little longer.
The longer they wait to call out my name, the more anticipation this whole surgery has. It's like they are building it up so much for me so that I can be even more grateful when I wake up free of pain and fatigue.
"Mum, please. I want to go home." I cry out. The hospital lights are blinding me, my body hurts and I just want to sleep. This is all too much for me to deal with.
"Wait there," My mum tells me, standing up and walking over to the nurses station, which isn't too far away so I can hear everything she says to them. "My daughter has been waiting for her surgery since the early hours of this morning, she is starving and dehydrated. This isn't fair."
"We are sorry for the wait ma'am, but we do have a lot of people to see today." The nurse replies, looking through the notes on her desk. It's like they are a robot giving an automated response.
"How much longer do you think the wait will be?" Mum queries, tapping her feet against the floor impatiently.
"I can't be certain, but I will try and find out for you." The nurse replies, walking off to hopefully find us an answer.
Mum comes back to sit down next to me and the woman next to her looks at her sympathetically before starting a conversation as to how busy the NHS have been lately. I understand completely that they are being overworked and not paid enough for it but they do still have a duty of care to uphold. I don't get why they sent the letter out to everyone with the same times on, instead of giving each person a certain time frame so things could run smoother.
A bunch of people who haven't been here all day start walking through the door and checking themselves in, so we are clearly on the afternoon group of surgeries now. I tap my mum's shoulder repeatedly and she looks to where I am pointing and her face immediately turns to a scowl. She is about to stand up and barge her way to the nurse desk but a nurse calling my name stops her.
I release a breath of relief now that it is finally my turn and I can get all of this over with because I have truly had enough. I want to be healthy again and it is finally about to happen.
Mum stands up and pushes my wheelchair to follow the nurse to a consultation room and I have no idea what to expect because I have never done this before and I only have the leaflet they sent me to go off.
"We need to run a couple of routine tests before you go into surgery so that it will keep the risk of complications low," The nurse informs me, getting out a blood pressure machine. "May I just take your blood pressure?"
I nod and she wraps the blue strap around my upper arm and it starts getting tighter, making my fingers go all tingly. She takes it off and I have no idea what the number on the screen means but she doesn't say anything, so I assume it's okay. "Now I just need to take your temperature."
She puts a plastic cap on the thermometer and places it in my ear and I flinch slightly at the chill of it. "It's all looking good. Now you're all good to go. If you want to just go back to the waiting room, the surgeons will come and collect you when they are ready.
"Wait, so I'm not having my surgery now?" I ask and she shakes her head.
"No, but you will soon. They are almost ready for you." She reassures me and my mum says nothing and starts pushing me back towards the waiting area.
"Wait," The nurse calls back to us through the corridor and all heads turn towards her. "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?"
"No." I say simply.
"We need to do a test to make sure." The nurse replies, walking closer to us and I'm unsure why she even asked me if she was going to do the test on me anyway.
"I really am not pregnant." I tell her but she just ignores me.
"Can someone get this girl a pregnancy test, she needs a pregnancy test." She shouts out to all the other nurses in the area and one comes rushing over with a cup.
I feel my cheeks grow hot because she is shouting out about a pregnancy test and anyone in the waiting room can hear it and they will know it's me as I am the only one to have come out.
The nurse hands me the pregnancy test and I do it and there is no shock to me when it comes out negative. "I'm so sorry about shouting about you needing the test, I am just so stressed, it is so busy today."
"No worries." Is all I can say, too fatigued to talk and mum manages to take me back to the waiting room without any interruptions this time.
I feel myself begin to fall asleep again but my head is pounding too much to be able to. A surgeon walks into the room and I can feel my palms begin to sweat, but they don't call out my name and instead say someone else's. I groan out but I almost begin to cry when I notice that it is one of the people who checked in after midday.
"What's wrong sweet?" Mum asks, stroking the back of my head in comfort.
"They only just checked in, why are they getting seen before me?" I say through tears.
My mum looks up and watches the man follow the surgeons and gets up again. "That's it," She walks over to the nurses station again and I feel guilty that she has to take it out on them as it's not their fault but it is all getting a bit ridiculous now. "Why are people who have only just got here being seen before my daughter?"
"I can assure you that your daughter will be seen next." The nurse says calmly, she has probably had to deal with this same situation numerous times before. I look around the room and see that I am the only one still left from those of us that arrived this morning and I laugh. Of course I am the last one.
My mum is about to speak again but a surgeon walks in the room and we both turn our heads towards her hopefully. "Nadia Marsh, we are finally ready for you now." They say and mum rushes towards me so she can push me to where I need to be.
The surgeon starts talking about how sorry they are that it's taken so long but I can't take in anything they are saying as the nerves are getting to me. I know the chances of something going wrong with a surgery like this is extremely low but I can't help but think that with all the bad luck that is happening to me recently I will be one of the few that it does go wrong on.
We get to the anaesthesia room and my palms are dripping with sweat and I am shaking uncontrollably as I sit on the bed. A bunch of doctors gather around me, looking terrifying in their surgery uniform, causing me to panic even more as my breathing starts to get more erratic. I still have the note Corey put in the sunflowers so I crumple that up in my hand to remind myself that even though he isn't present, he is still here with me.
"Are you nervous?" The nurse says to me and I nod my head, still shaking. "Would you feel more comfortable if we put you to sleep in the theatre?"
I look up at my mum for her to answer for me but she just shakes her head as she strokes the hair out of my face. "I can't tell you what you want to do, sweet. It has to be what you are most comfortable with."
I just nod my head at them and they hand me a gown. "Can you just put this on, let us know when you are ready."
They leave the room and I hand the note to my mum, who just puts it in her pocket without looking at it as she already knows what it is. She assists me in getting the hospital gown on and shouts out to the doctors that I am ready.
"Just a quick question, are you able to walk at all?" One of the nurses asks and I nod. "Could you use this walker? We aren't allowed to take wheelchairs into the area. It's not far, don't worry, it's just down the hallway."
I nod and take the Walker that the nurse hands me and it is nice to have my legs being used and to stretch them out a bit, even though it is completely painful. I hope this is the last time I will ever have to use a walker until I'm old and feeble.
We walk down the hallway and my breathing starts to get heavy again. I think back to Corey's note of him telling me this is where I start my new chapter and my breathing begins to slow. It's amazing how just his words can help calm me down, he really knows me.
"The anaesthetist will meet us here," The nurse says when we reach the door of the surgery room. "Your mum will have to leave now I'm afraid."
I feel myself begin to cry again as the nerves are consuming me, but she wraps her arms around me and I immediately feel at ease and know I am going to be okay. There's something about a mothers hug that eases everything inside of you no matter what it is. "You're going to do amazingly. I'll be here when you wake up." She whispers into my ear, kissing me on the side of my head before she turns to leave.
"It's all going to be okay. We are here to help you." The nurse reassures me, as she can sense that I am still anxious.
"Sorry, you probably think I am a massive baby," I begin, clearing my throat in between. "I've just always had a massive fear of being put to sleep and I don't have much luck with doctors trying to help me. My mum had to shout at them to get me this surgery."
"At least you're getting it now," She smiles. "Why are you so scared of being put to sleep?"
"Not waking up after it, or waking up during surgery and I feel everything that is happening to me." I shiver as I speak as I am now thinking about it all again.
"The complications of a tonsillectomy is a delayed haemorrhage and these are very uncommon, only affecting about two to four percent of patients. The only thing that will be bad is the pain for about ten days afterwards, just make sure you have lots of ice cream," she warns me. "As for waking up during surgery, we have monitors that will tell us of any brain activity that will indicate if you're awake, so don't worry about that."
"Hello, Nadia, right?" A man speaks as he turns the corner, interrupting the conversation we were having.
"Yes, hello." I reply, seeing him look down at my walker.
"How come you're using that?" He asks me, as if it's any of his business but I tell him because he is one of my doctors for today.
"I can't walk very well." Is all I say because I have nothing else to give.
"You're too young to be using a Walker," He says and I lose my balance a little. "Shall we go in then?"
He walks into the surgery room and we all follow, the nurse whispers in my ear, "We are going to look after you." I smile up at her but I can't help but feel defeated that no one came to my defence when he was saying I was too young. I'm not disabled, but disabilities don't have a certain age and with him working in a field of care I would've expected him to understand that. Walkers aren't just made for elderly people, they are made as a walking aid to assist people who struggle to walk.
I shake my head, trying to forget it all happened so I can try and stay calm as I walk into the surgery room. It looks nothing like the ones I have seen on TV. It's very spacious and there are computers in here and being in here almost puts me at ease because it's not as scary as I thought. It's nice being able to see the equipment they are going to use on me and the machines that will help keep me stabilised.
I lie on the bed and get comfortable as they all clean themselves and get things they need ready. "Who's your favourite artist?" One of the nurses ask,
"I like Shawn Mendes." I say and she goes to the computer and puts his playlist on for me, to help ease my anxieties. If I could have a cigarette right now, I would.
"I'm just going to put this mask over your nose and mouth and ask you to count back from ten and it will put you to sleep." The anaesthetist informs me, showing me the equipment as he speaks.
I lie there, with Shawn Mendes playing in the background as the mask covers my face and I start to feel the effects of it within my first breath. "Count back from ten now please."
"Ten." I begin.
"Nine, eight, seven..." I stop speaking as I feel myself drift off but when my eyes close, I open them again.
"She's fighting it." I hear a voice say before the anaesthesia finally takes over me.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
I wake up and my head is all fuzzy, it almost feels like when you would put your head against one of those old Tvs and the static would make your face feel funny. I am surrounded by nurses when I wake up and I feel violently sick.
"You've just come out of surgery, everything went well," The lovely nurse from earlier says to me, handing me a cup of water. I take a sip and cry out in pain when I swallow. "Yeah, that will hurt quite a bit. Keep taking little sips of water to help ease the pain."
I nod at her, not even wanting to attempt to talk back. Now that I'm woken up, my mum is allowed to come into the recovery room with me and the first thing she does is kiss me on the forehead, handing me the note from Corey, which I keep tight in my hand.
"What'sthis?" I slur, and my mum isn't able to understand me so I repeat myself.
"I can't understand you, sweet." She tells me and I just look at her and laugh.
"Is she always like this?" The nurse asks and my mum shakes my head. "The anaesthesia will wear off soon."
One of the surgeons comes in to check on me and they tell me that I am going to be taken up to a ward for overnight observations as It's too late in the day to go home.
As I'm getting wheeled to the ward in my bed, I sit up and release the contents of my stomach, which isn't anything because I haven't had anything to eat. I look at the sick and it's bright green, which worries me slightly.
"Oh dear." A nurse says, wiping the sick down and handing me a cardboard bowl to use in case I need to throw up again, which I do.
"Will Corey come?" I ask my mum, not expecting her to understand me but I still wanted to ask.
"No honey, he can't make it. Willem and your dad will be here tomorrow though, when you get let out." She reasures me before my eyes flutter closed again.