Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 44: Chapter 44

NADIA'S POV:
As soon as Corey left I fell right to sleep, but it didn't last long. I was up crying most of the night, only being able to get up to half an hour's rest every couple of hours. My parents were prepared for this, so they stocked the freezer full of different flavours of ice cream and ice lollies. I have spent most of the time awake sucking away at an ice lolly because it is the only thing that seems to help even slightly.
The only thing I am enjoying about not skating anymore is that I can eat as much shit as I want too without having my coach nag me for it.
I shove a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth when my door is flung open by Willem who goes straight for the bowl in my hand. He takes the spoon out of my mouth and gets his own mouthful of ice cream. "That's disgusting, now I can't eat that."
"Sure you can." He shrugs and hands the bowl back to me but I refuse so he carries on eating it. I feel myself beginning to get grumpy because that ice cream is to help me with my pain, which is pretty fucking bad right now, and he decides to steal the ice cream in my hand and not get his own in the freezer full of it downstairs.
My parents come into my room shortly after and I prepare myself for what they are about to tell me or ask me. I never have all three of them in my room, unless they are giving me bad news.
"What?" I ask hoarsely and mum sits on the end of my bed.
"We are off for a little last minute weekend away. Your dad and I have been invited to speak for my publishing company." Mum explains.
"So it will just be Willem and I?" I query and they all share a look between them and I feel my heart drop.
"No, sweet. Willem is coming with us to help us with preparing everything." She clarifies, handing me the card so I can get stuff if I need to whilst she is away. I have my own card that I can use to get stuff but I guess she feels bad for leaving me all on my own.
"And I can't come because of my surgery?" I ask but it was more of a rhetorical one because no one answers me. I can't help but feel a little deflated that they are going without me, even though I know I am not well enough to. I can't help but wonder that they are lying to me and are going somewhere nice but feel bad for excluding me because they never leave me out of anything.
I can't blame them for wanting some time away from me. I am the biggest hassle they have in their life so they do deserve to spend some time alone, baggage free.
It's not like I want to go with them, I just wish that they had invited me. This whole illness has been completely isolating so to have other people not ask me to join them because they think I can't do it sucks. I definitely can't do it but from my point of view it makes me feel like they are forgetting about me, or that they don't want me there because I will bring the mood down.
"The journey would just be too much for you, especially considering you've just had surgery." My dad confirms, observing the sunflowers that now sit in a vase on my dressing table. My dad and Willem both have no idea that these flowers are from Corey, they both assume they are from Jasper, as if Jasper was even thinking about me when I had my surgery.
I have had no message from Jasper or Maddy wishing me luck, or asking how I am and I don't even know why I expect it from them anymore. They don't care about me or my wellbeing so I should stop caring about them not caring about me. It's not good for my mental health. I can't help that I am an emotional person though, So I won't apologise or back down if I react to something. It's normal to show emotions over certain situations.
Everything went wrong in my life and it happened so suddenly so I had to learn to appreciate the person I was before. I had to learn to love the old me too, so I had to make a change.
Sometimes people need to see a change to see how something is affecting them and Maddy and Jasper changed so that I could let them go. As much as it hurt me when it happened, I quickly realised that I am better off for it.
I feel like some things in life happen for a reason, to show you what is meant to be but me getting sick and losing Archie will always be a mystery to me because, why?
"Hopefully when you've recovered from the surgery you will start to feel normal again." Willem says, licking the remainder of the ice cream from the bowl and I can't help but be hurt by his comment.
I know that he didn't mean it maliciously when he said this but I feel like everyone wants me to feel better for them and not for myself. I hate the term 'normal' when talking about this illness because it casts me to the side, in my own brand and I am pretty sure that living like this is my new 'normal'.
I have lost the very essence of myself, of my being, of my personality; everyday is a struggle and I mourn the loss of the ones closest to me and the things I will never be able to do or see. I grieve the person who I once was so much, even now that I have a chance to be better after this. The person I used to be died alongside Archie. She died and was replaced by someone else entirely; someone who can barely even function. If this operation doesn't end up working then I will have to learn how to be okay with never being me again.
"Can Bella stay with me at least?" I ask as we usually take our dog whenever we go away because we have no one to look after her whilst we are gone.
"Of course, sweet. We are going to call up Corey and ask him if he is okay with keeping an eye on you as well." Mum adds, winking at me subtly.
"Why Corey?" I groan, trying my hardest to not sound excited at the possibility of being here alone with Corey. We have always had to be careful with what we are doing as we always had the possibility of Willem coming home, but if he's away we will get free reign of what we can do.
"He should be free. I don't think he will be too happy about having to look after her." Willem says, leaving the room to go and call him.
Mum looks at dad and he looks between us before sighing and exiting the room, leaving us alone.
"How are you feeling, really?" She asks me, looking towards the flowers.
"Pretty shit." I shrug, taking a sip of my water.
"I have something for you." She says, reaching into her cardigan pocket.
She hands me a crumpled up piece of paper and I immediately recognise it as the note from Corey that was with my sunflowers. I have no idea what mum thinks about my situation with Corey. She seems to be accepting of it as she is letting us spend some time alone, without anyone else here. But I can't help but be worried that she won't be by my side when news about us gets out to Willem.
"I think you two are good for eachother." She speaks out. She must've been able to read the anxiety about her opinion on my face.
"I'm not sure Willem would agree." I sigh. My brother's opinion matters to me more than anything else and I hate myself for going behind his back but Corey is the one thing that can truly bring me joy and happiness recently.
I like myself better when I am around Corey and the worst feeling in the world is knowing how deeply we both feel for each other but not being able to be together properly because of my brother.
"He'll come around, but I don't think you should keep it from him for too much longer." She suggests and I nod my head in agreement.
"I just want to have this time alone with him first." I tell her and she gives me a quick nod in understanding.
"This is the only time you can do something, so live." She encourages me with a squeeze to my hand, before Willem comes back into my room with a bowl in hand.
I reach my hands out for the bowl, knowing that it is some more ice cream for me as he stole my other bowl. "He said it's no problem but he better be able to eat all of our nice food."
"Sounds like Corey." Mum smirks, brushing some dog hair off her trousers before standing up.
When we go away Corey is the one who comes round to check things over and keep the house in check as he is the only one all of us really trust. He has a spare key so he can let himself in at any time. I'm glad he is the one that will be in the house with me and not a random family friend because I really want to see him, but also because he is the only one to understand. He knows truly what I am going through and knows how to deal with me and when to leave me alone, someone else wouldn't understand any of this.
"He's on his way now." Willem announces, which means he will be here soon as he only lives a few streets over. I nod my head as my mouth is too full of ice cream to speak, which I immediately regret eating so quickly as I get a sharp pain at the front of my head. I wince, slapping my hands over the front of my head, as if it would warm it up.
"Brain freeze?" Mum asks and I nod, causing her to let out a laugh.
"Come on, we better get going soon." Dad shouts from downstairs and so we all make our way down, me more slowly than the others.
I get downstairs and dad is loading everything up in the car ready and it doesn't look like they are taking much, so they must not be going for long, or doing anything that interesting.
I sit on the bottom of the stairs as I watch as everyone gets everything sorted, missing the feeling this part of the trip used to give me. Loading everything up was always exciting, no matter how boring it was, as it always meant that the trip was just around the corner. The journey there is always so long and it's agonising, and the journey back is always short as everyone but my dad is usually asleep for it.
I see Corey's car pull up and I have no idea how to react, if I should be happy to see him or if I should pretend to be grumpy. He walks in the house and I greet him with a smile, which he doesn't reciprocate and my smile drops and I feel completely stupid.
"Have you got everything?" I ask my parents, trying my hardest to ignore Corey's presence as he speaks to Willem beside me.
"Yes, sweet," Mum confirms, looking towards Corey now. "I gave Nadia my card so if either of you need anything, or want to order a takeaway then you can use that."
Corey nods his head and he still hasn't looked at me once since he arrived and I can't help but think that something has happened between now and the last time I saw him for him to react differently to me. I know that he can't be affectionate towards me in front of my family but he could at least look at me. I hate it.
"Will you text me every so often to let me know you're okay," Mum says, pulling me into her chest. "I'm going to be worried sick."
"Don't worry, Mrs M, I'll look after her." Corey reassures her and I feel myself blush slightly.
I have to practically pull my mum's arms off me so I can breathe and my dad, who isn't much of a hugger, replaces my mum's hug and I'm thankful his hold isn't as tight as hers was. Willem taps our dad on the shoulder so he can let go and he hugs me now, rocking us from side to side as he does. I look at Corey over Willem's shoulder and he stares at me so intently, with an emotion that I can't decipher.
"I'm so proud of you." Willem whispers in my ear and I feel my heart swell. Him saying this makes my eyes go all watery and the guilt of falling for Corey is in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn't feel guilty about doing something that is good for me, but I do because I care for my brother much more than I care for myself.
I have a good habit of putting other people's wants and needs before my own. Saying the word 'no' is terrifying to me, but with my brother it is worth it. He's special to me and the one person I will go through life with and who will never let me down. My relationship with Willem is different than with everyone else because even when we do argue, we just have to give eachother a look that we both understand for us to be okay again.
I look away from Corey as Willem unwraps his hands from around my waist and they all say goodbye and Corey and I watch as they enter the car. They wave as they drive off and I can't help but feel gutted that I'm not going now because suffering through the pain of the long journey sounds a lot more appealing than being stuck in this house with Corey's attitude.
He goes to speak but I put my hand up, stopping him and pull myself upstairs using the railing. My legs are killing me from the short time I've been out of bed.
"Nadia," He calls up the stairs after me but I just ignore him, carrying on making my way up to my room. "Sweetheart."
I almost stop in my tracks at his use of the nickname but I stay strong and carry on. I get to my room and I'm glad that he doesn't chase after me and I feel guilty for being so cold because he is so understanding.
I will have a sleep until I feel better because I already feel shit enough, I don't need him making me feel any worse with whatever mood he is in.