Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 46: Chapter 46

NADIA'S POV.
I have no idea what time it is, or if it's even morning at all when I wake up. I feel stiff and like my body shouldn't even be awake at all. I try to sit up, but I get a sharp, stabbing pain in my right side that stops my movements immediately. I sigh and pray out to the god I don't believe in that it's not my period, even though I know it will be. My mind has been in a haze lately that I have been sleeping when I'm supposed to take my pill, or forgetting to take them completely.
The amount of side effects taking the pill gave me was worth going through if it meant it got rid of my periods. Ever since they first started, my periods have been extremely heavy and irregular, I never know when they are going to come. They only last three days but that is due to them being so heavy. I would rather go through a five day period than going through a short one with a heavy flow.
There is no pain quite like cramps.
I try to sit myself up again and hiss out in pain when I manage to do it, feeling yet another stab on my right side. I look around my room trying to remember how I ended up in bed and to try and figure out what time it is. It's hard to see as the room is still dark because of my blinds being closed and I see a clump on the floor at the end of my bed. I know that this mound underneath the blanket is Corey. He is sleeping peacefully so I will try my hardest not to wake him up with my movements or from crying out in pain.
I'm used to suffering in silence anyway.
Seeing Corey on my floor makes the memories of last night rush to the front of my brain, reminding me of everything. It was a nice night and consisted of just the two of us, which is something we can rarely get to have and be free. I was in pain and tired but he helped me to forget about it as my mind wanted to focus on him more than the pain occurring in my body.
It was nice having this moment with him, relishing in my feelings for him until I was brought back to reality of my life. Corey left out glasses on the table and so I went in to put them in the dishwasher, not realising that he would be in here still talking on the phone.
He was on the phone to his dad on loudspeaker so I heard everything that was being said. His dad doesn't approve of my relationship with Corey and is doing everything in his power to try and stop it, which confirms the darkest thoughts I get when thinking about my possible future with Corey.
Corey deserves someone better than me, I know it, his dad thinks it and I'm sure Corey does too and when Willem finds out his thoughts will be the same. If this surgery didn't work, like we are all dreading, then he won't want to stay with me. He won't want to have to look after me for the rest of his life, I will only bring him and his career down, just like his dad told him on the phone.
Corey defended me though, which I appreciate but he shouldn't have to. His parents should be supportive of whoever he dates and if they don't support me then maybe I am not the person for him. He should be with someone who he doesn't have to hide from his best friend, someone who can do simple things with him, such as going to the shop, without needing to sleep for hours after it.
I need to stop clinging to the idea of Corey and I, it's just hard when he is the only sense of peace I get in this fucked up world. Ever since I was a little girl my mum has told me to cling to every slight happiness I get and that's why I feel so addicted to Corey.
He is my happiness.
I just wish that I had the ability to fast forward time and see if everything really will be worth it in the end, the unknown about it all is killing me.
I try to stand up but my side starts hurting again. I need to make it to the bathroom to put a pad on all without waking Corey up.
I force myself up, replacing my painful thoughts with pain in my legs and abdomen. I step over Corey and walk down to the bathroom, clutching at my stomach to try and ease it somehow. I forgot how bad period cramps could get because I haven't had them in so long. I wish it stayed that way.
I'm unsure as to why Corey decided to sleep on the floor instead of in the spare room or even Willem's room but I won't question it because I know he worries about me. I did leave to come upstairs last night in a bit of a hurry. I need to try and start distancing myself from him so he can end things with me without him thinking that he did anything wrong.
If he thinks I have given up on the idea of us then maybe he will give up himself, as much as I don't want him to. I just want what is best for him and that isn't me, he will realise that one day when he finds someone else, someone much better than me.
I go to the toilet and notice that there is no blood so I put a pad on anyway as my period will end up starting soon. I cry out in pain once again when standing up and make my way back to my room. I don't like the fact that Corey is asleep in my room, it makes the air feel tight and I feel like I can't be myself. I don't want to cry to myself when he is in here because he will wake up and try to be there for me.
I take two of my pain killers and step over Corey again so I can get back into bed, keeping the tablets near me in case I can't get up to take them later. I will just sleep off the cramps and hopefully I will wake up feeling much better. As I go to lie down, another bout of pain starts and it feels like someone is stabbing me in the side over and over again. I try to hide the cry that rips out of my throat but I can't keep it down, causing Corey to stir awake from his sleep.
"Sorry." I mumble to him, immediately feeling bad as his eyes go wide at the sight of me curdled up on my bed holding my side.
He rushes up, immediately ignoring the fact I'm saying sorry and lies down next to me on the bed, hugging me close. I push his arms off me, not wanting him to be here seeing me like this.
If I show people that I am physically in pain then they will see me as weak because I can't handle it without crying.
"What can I do? Do you need to go to the hospital? Where are you hurting? Can I do anything?" Corey rambles on, asking a bunch of questions after the other so I wouldn't even be able to reply to them if I wanted to.
I push his arms off me again, as I am feeling too hot and sweaty to cope with his touch and I can't deal with it right now. He cares for me so much and it hurts him that he can't do anything to help me and I hate so much that I have put him in this position. He shouldn't have to watch me suffer, I would rather be alone through all of this than bringing Corey through it all as well.
Corey stands up off the bed and starts pacing around my room with his hands in his hair. I watch his movements intently as watching him helps keep my mind occupied on something other than the pain.
He picks up a packet of tablets and gets two of them out before walking back over to me and holding his hand out for me to take them. I just stare at him blankly and he nods to himself before walking back to my desk and pulling out a water bottle from my mini fridge. He comes back over, handing me the tablets as well as the water this time and nods his head at me, silently telling me to take it.
I look at the open packet of tablets that's sitting next to me on the bed and look back to him and he follows where I was looking to and recognition is apparent in his face as he notices I have already taken some pain killers.
I would really appreciate it if they started working at some point today, I am tired of this pain already. It's insane that I never truly get a moment of peace because when I am awake, I am thinking of a better life and when I'm asleep I'm dreaming of a better one.
"Sorry. I'm just trying to help." Corey rushes out, unsure of what to do with the stuff in his hands so he just puts them on my bedside table alongside all of the other junk on there.
"Corey, please just settle down. You are making me uneasy," I tell him with a strained voice and he releases a heavy breath. "Come here."
I pat the bed beside me and he climbs into bed next to me and I stop him from pulling the covers up because I am starting to burn up.
"What do you want me to do?" He asks me sincerely.
"I want you to stop stressing," I order him first of all. "Stop thinking about the fact you can't do anything to help and just hold me through my pain."
He does as I say and wraps his arms around me, being careful not to apply too much pressure in his hold. Corey has been amazing throughout this whole journey and I appreciate the amount of support he has shown me but he still needs to learn how to stop stressing. It doesn't help that this is our first time being truly alone and my parents and brother aren't close to us at all if anything goes badly. He needs to realise that it's okay if that happens because it won't be his fault and he can't stop it from happening.
I've accepted it so he should too.
"I'm not stressing." He lies through his teeth.
"Then tell me why I can feel your heart beating a million times a minute." I counter.
"That's a tad dramatic, Dia."
I don't reply to him as my painkillers start to kick in and I feel myself begin to get a little woozy. We just sit in silence, with the air around us acting as a blanket.
I feel safe in his arms, like nothing is going to hurt me.
"I've always wondered what your name means. you know?" Corey speaks up after the silence was getting too much to handle. I'm glad he did speak because I was beginning to find it difficult to stop the whimpers coming out of my throat at the pain, even as it settles down.
I don't want him to have to hear me like that.
"Did you google it?" I ask him, trying my hardest to focus on the conversation and not the pain circulating through me.
"Why would I google it when I could ask you the question myself?" He queries.
"And you assume I know the meaning of my name?" I counter and he smirks at me knowingly.
"It's you, sweetheart. You look for something spiritual in everything." I don't reply to him because we both know he is right and that I know what my name means.
"Why do you want to know anyway?" I ask him, suddenly feeling insecure about his reasoning.
"I've always been intrigued by even the simplest things about you." He admits before giving me a quick, soft kiss on my lips.
"It means hope. Which I think is kind of ironic," I tell him, my name being something I have googled and looked into when I was younger. "I think it is from Russia or something like that if I remember correctly."
"Why is it ironic?" He asks me carefully.
I look him right in the eye before speaking. "Because hope is all I have left anymore."
It's true. The only thing that I have left to do throughout this all is hope. Hope that this surgery will work. Hope thatI will get better. Hope that this will all be over soon. If I don't have any hope then I don't have anything because nothing else can be done.
"You're right, that is kind of ironic." He agrees.
I laugh lightly but the action causes another flare up of cramps to start and I cry out in pain. Corey shoots up and goes into full doctor mode. He feels my head to see if I'm hot and clammy and then proceeds to observe where I'm holding my body to tell him where I'm hurting.
"Please leave me alone." I ask him nicely, hoping it will stop him from being overbearing and to give me some space.
He doesn't stop as he is too in his own head and he keeps pacing around my room, unsure of what to do with himself. It is more stressful watching Corey like this than it is actually trying to deal with the pain. He's making me on edge.
"Leave." I raise my voice as much as I can as my throat is still sore from surgery and it seems to switch something inside of his head. He looks up at me and sees the tears spilling out of my eyes and nods his head silently before walking to the door.
"Sleep, the pain isn't worth staying awake for." He comments before actually leaving. I feel guilty for shouting at him when he was only trying to help so I call him back. I am trying to be a better person throughout this but it's just hard when I never know when it will be the last day of this.
If there ever will be a last day.
"This is why I didn't want to start this with you," I begin, not meaning for everything to just spill out but it does. "Because you can't put all of your focus into hockey when I'm like this."
"What has any of this got to do with hockey?" He queries, stopping his pacing.
"Nothing. I'm just saying because I know you have training today.." I answer, not telling him that I heard the phone call because that will make him feel guilty.
"I don't have to be at hockey training until later on. I can skip it if you need me to." He says, as if that will make me feel any less guilty about anything.
"That's exactly what I'm talking about. You want to put me before your career." I bite back.
"I want you to be okay. That's all I want." He remarks, sitting back down on the bed in front of me as I cling to my side.
"And I want you to focus on the one thing you have been working on your whole life. Just because this ruined my skating career doesn't mean that it has to ruin yours as well." I offer, feeling guilty that we are even having this conversion in the first place and I wish I just kept my mouth shut.
"It won't get ruined. I can handle looking after you on top of hockey, trust me." He tells me and he sounds so sure of himself but it's hard to believe him because he doesn't really understand what it's like to have to live with me, to have to support me all the time.
"I don't want to be looked after, Corey. I just want to live." I spill, with tears threatening to escape out my eyes.
"I know, sweetheart."
"I don't want to bring you down with me." I admit and he places his hand on top of my own that's not holding my side.
"I don't care that you're sick, Nadia. I care that it affects you, yes, but it makes no difference to me. You're the person I want to come home to after hockey training. You're the person I want to look after as long as I am able to and the one I want to share my sadness, anger and success with," He confesses, kissing me softly on the hand before continuing with his confession. "There is no one else for me but you. Whether you're the healthiest person in the world, or if you are on your deathbed."
I feel like I am going to start crying. I can't seem to form the right words to express how much I am feeling at this moment. How much I want to tell him how I feel fully and how much I want to kiss him, but it wouldn't be right.
Corey always finds the right words to say and always understands what I'm feeling and what I need to hear from him. Everything feels so incredibly right with him. I still don't believe that he fully knows what he is letting himself in for with me but it's not like I didn't try to warn or stop him, because I did.
I just hope he doesn't end up resenting me in the future if I never get better and can't be the person he wants me to be.
"Today, tomorrow, forever, I will support you even when you don't want it from me anymore. I'm in this for the long haul. I wouldn't go behind my best friend's back if this didn't mean something to me, Nadia." He admits, making my insides turn to mush once again.
I have nothing to say so I just smile, pulling him in for a light kiss. I want nothing more than to have him right here but it isn't the right moment and I want to make sure we are both completely ready, especially after the embarrassing moment in the car where I tried to have sex with him.
I still get embarrassed thinking about it now.
I think back to how we got into this situation in the first place and I realise that my pain has settled down slightly and so I lie back down comfortably, pulling Corey down with me. I open my arms up for him and he snuggles himself up inside of my hold. I hope he feels as safe in my arms as he makes me feel.
I hear Corey's breathing get slightly heavier, indicating that he's fallen asleep. I'm glad he has because I doubt he would've had much last night because knowing him, he would've been up worrying about me for most of it.
I don't want him to have to leave for training later, I wish he could just be here, in my arms for as long as it takes for us both to feel okay. "Why can't we meet in my dreams and stay there where everything is perfect?" I whisper to the top of his head and close my own eyes, wanting to escape reality for a while once again.