Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 5: Chapter 5

NADIA'S POV:
I have been on these antidepressants and vitamins for a couple of weeks now. I am supposed to be feeling better, at least by a little bit but I don't at all.
I feel almost worse because I am being pumped full of these new medications and my body is adjusting to it. I am having a lot of side effects with them such as my appetite being worse and I cannot stop being sick. I feel bad enough without the tablets, I don't need them making me feel any worse but as everyone keeps saying, I have to push through it because I have to get worse before I can get better.
I just hope the worst of it will be over soon.
Against my dad's protesting, I have been staying in bed for most of the time during the past two weeks. I have pretty much been sleeping the whole time and eating only at most one meal a day. Most of the time I could barely keep a slice of bread down, it's been hard but at least I am losing weight like the doctor wanted me to do.
It's been pretty boring just sleeping so I tried to read a few times to shed this boredom but my brain couldn't comprehend what was going on. Concentrating seems to be a challenging thing for me to do right now. It's frustrating that I can't even do simple tasks at the moment.
My mum has been arguing with my dad a lot more recently because she is allowing me to stay in bed to rest so I can get better instead of encouraging me to do things she knows I'm not capable of doing. My dad hates that she is allowing me to stay in bed as it goes against what doctor, Martin said for me to do and it will only encourage me to be lazy. He doesn't understand that I don't have the energy for anything anymore.
I love my mum for trying to help me though, no matter her own opinions on the situation.
College have been down my neck about my attendance, they don't believe there is anything wrong with me either. If only it was during my skating season because then they would not care about my attendance as much but as it's still my full term time they think I am skiving because I have my exams coming up. I wish I was skiving because at least then I would feel healthy and skip school just because I want to.
My mum has also been arguing with my college, telling them that I really am sick and they should be trying to support me instead of making me feel bad about not going in. She managed to convince them to give my schoolwork that needs to be done to Willem so I can do school work at home so I at least can have some form of education while I am feeling like this.
They have given me two more weeks to get better until they are going to start fining my parents for my attendance being so low. I don't want my parents to get fined so I will go into school for a few days next week even if I am not feeling up to it.
I have to push through the pain if I ever want to get better.
Willem has also been given a few warnings from them because of his attitude. The tutors are giving him a hard time as they keep hounding him with questions about me to see if I am coming in at all or to see if how I am feeling is a load of bollocks or not.
He really shouldn't put his education at risk because of me.
"You're out of bed today! Are you feeling a little better then?" Willem asks when he walks into the kitchen with Corey following close behind him.
I look like shit right now but this hasn't been the worse I have looked since I have known Corey. He was there when my appendix was about to burst and it wasn't my best look.
My brother and Corey go for a five mile run every morning like clockwork. It's genuinely terrifying how much energy those two seem to have, I want some of it just so I can get out of bed everyday. Those two live off lucozade so I can't say I'm surprised that they have so much energy in the slightest.
Those two do everything together, they remind me of how me and Archie once were. If they lost eachother then they would definitely lose themselves completely. I know the feeling.
"Yeah, I'm feeling a lot less groggy today, I might try and go to college for a few hours."
"No sweet, don't force yourself to do that. If you feel well enough to do something, why don't you go skating for a little while? You need to speak to Mark anyway." My mum suggests from the dining room where she is cleaning the table after our breakfast.
My mum knows that if I go into college I won't last any longer than an hour or two because it is so overwhelming. The class always gets so loud and it ends up giving me the worst migraine where I can't even move or open my eyes. I feel like someone has a voodoo doll with my face on it and keeps sticking pins in it to make me hurt.
I am so tired of feeling like this.
"Okay, yeah I'll go now." I raise my voice just enough so she can hear me and try to be careful so I don't strain my voice too much.
I look towards Willem and I give him the best puppy dog eyes I can muster up and he rolls his eyes as he grabs his car keys from the kitchen counter.
"Come on then. Corey you coming?" He looks towards Corey and he shakes his head.
"Nah bro, I'll just head home. Come round mine when you're done?" Willem nods. I'm shocked Corey isn't tagging along, he usually is wherever Willem is but it will be nice to have a few minutes alone with my brother as we haven't been spending much time together over the past few weeks. I need to get better so I can spend time with my brother again. I miss him.
If I didn't know any better about it then I would be suspicious about Corey and Willem's friendship and think they were dating in secret or something.
People used to assume the same thing about me and Archie all the time which pissed Jasper off since he was my actual boyfriend. My brother and Corey always took it upon themselves to tease us all about it. So being the amazing sister I am, I tease them back about their friendship.
It's deserved.
"Don't look too sad big bro, you two can have sex later." I say and he smacks me on the back of the head playfully and then pushes me out of the front door lightly.
"Ha ha. Nadia, you are hilarious," Corey says to me sarcastically and then looks towards my brother. "I'll see you later mate." He taps Willem on the shoulder, something he always seems to do when saying goodbye to people.
Corey has always found it difficult to be vulnerable with people, or show them that he cares about them. I think it has something to do with how his parents raised him, but I wouldn't know because he never even mentions them anymore. If he was more comfortable with affection then I am sure he would hug my brother every chance he gets instead of just tapping him on the shoulder.
People like him just need to be loved.
I don't know, maybe I am just looking too much into it. I tend to over analyse things a lot.
"So, do you think this is you now on track to getting better for good now?" Willem questions me once we are in the car and on our way.
"Hopefully, yeah."
The truth is, I don't believe that this is the case at all. But, I have to be strong. Everyone around me keeps telling me that I have to start thinking more positively about my situation and once I do that then I will start seeing an improvement in my health.
They say that a healthy mind equals a healthy body so I am going to try and only think positive thoughts from now on until I get better. It's hard to think positively when everything hurts so much but I am strong and I know I can get through this if I try hard enough.
Although, today is just another day where I will think that I am fine and on the mend but then all my symptoms come back to bite me in the arse again and again.
Right yeah, I am supposed to be thinking positively.
"I'll pick you up later, just text me whenever you're ready." Willem says once we are there and he kisses me on the cheek before I get out of the car.
The rink is usually empty at the time of the day due to all the skaters either being at school or work, so I'm not surprised to see it empty when I arrive. I can finally have some much needed alone time, just me and the rink like it always should be.
Every figure skater and member of the hockey team get a pass that says we can come to the rink any time we like as our parents pay a fuck load of money for us to have coaches, so it's the least the rink could give us really. The passes are actually amazing though because for most of us, skating is all we want to do in our spare time. It's all most of us have to look forward to in the day.
Once I have put my skates on, I notice that they feel extra heavy on my feet, it's probably due to me not wearing them for a few weeks. I need to start wearing them at home when I am not skating so I don't get overwhelmed by the heaviness of them again. I tried wearing them at home once like a week back but I couldn't even lift my legs up.
My body is so fucked.
I breathe in and out deeply in an attempt to build up enough courage to finally start skating. The ice is scary to me now that my legs don't appreciate me walking anymore let alone skating.
Ice skating is something that has always come very naturally to me. The first time I tried it I could already spin, it's a natural gift of mine. And now it just seems like it's a chore for my body to do. It's hard that I don't feel well enough to do the one thing I have enjoyed doing since I was a kid.
Fuck it.
I take my time doing a few laps around the rink, trying to get used to the feel of the ice underneath me again. My legs are already burning and protesting for me to stop. I am going to tell myself that it's due to the fact they have been in lack of use over these past few weeks.
Push through it, the voice in the back of my head says.
Now that I'm more confident on my legs, I ready myself in an attempt to do a crossover. My legs shake from the lack of balance I have and my skates knock against each other, causing me to fall flat on my arse and I hiss in pain.
I can't do something as simple as a cross over anymore. Cross overs are a simple little trick that most people master on their first day of training and I can't even do it now after skating for over a decade. I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat, I will not cry as that won't help anything.
I push myself up from off the ice, my muscles all over my body burning from the little exercise and pressure of getting up. When I turn around my coach is on the bench watching me with an unreadable expression on his face. I take a seat next to him and sigh as the pressure in my legs doesn't feel as intense anymore. I stay silent and wait for him to speak up first because I have no idea what he is thinking.
"You haven't been here all week. Your dad says you're still not well." He speaks up at last.
I can't tell what's going on inside his head, he has never been the most compassionate person in the world but there is something behind his words that sounds like he might be accusing me of something. Since I have been sick, it's been easier for me to tell the tone of people's voice and what they are trying to say behind their words, I know when people don't believe I'm sick and Mark sounds like one of those people right now.
"Your father also said that your doctor has diagnosed you with depression." He hesitates to say, looking out to the rink so that he doesn't have to look at me.
"Yeah, he did. That's what he thinks it is as he said all my blood tests were normal. My mum is looking for a second opinion though." He whips his head round to face me once I say this.
"You think it's something else?" I open my mouth to reply but he speaks up again, "Are you sure it's not just you thinking that because you want an excuse not to train for the events you have coming up, or because you don't want to go into college and revise for your exams?" He asks. My dad has obviously spoken to him and they have come up with this plan to see whether I am lying about how I feel or not.
If I was lying about how I am feeling because I wanted to get out of my exams, I wouldn't be skipping my training. Skating is all I have, I wouldn't put my figure skating career at risk because of something so small. Also, why the fuck is he saying I might not want to train for my events coming up? I have always been up for training, even when I am black and blue all over from it the previous day.
My dad doesn't seem to believe me and now my coach doesn't. It makes me feel like shit that two of the closest people in my life don't believe me when I say that there is something wrong with me. I get that I look fine, and my blood tests are saying that I am fine, but my whole body feels like it's going through a grinder all the damn time.
"W-what? That's not it at all, Mark. I genuinely cannot move because of the pain being so bad most days." I stutter and he gives me a look that suggests he thinks I'm stuttering over my words because I am nervous I have been caught out. I have never been the best liar, everyone knows that so it must look like I am seriously lying if they still don't believe me.
In reality, I'm stumbling over my words because I am on the verge of tears which I am trying my hardest to keep at bay. My dad doesn't believe me. My coach doesn't believe me. I don't think my mum or brother actually believe me and they are just humouring me because they feel bad about me being all depressed now. I don't even know what Jasper and Maddy think, they don't know much about what's going on and I don't want them to know much more because when they do that's two more people who think I am a big fat liar.
I am surrounded by so many loved ones through this but yet I have still never felt more alone than I do right now.
"Nadia, I spoke to your parents and some of the other skaters here. We all are in agreement that you shouldn't do the showcase this year and you shouldn't compete at sectionals anymore." He says softly and puts his hand on my shoulder, trying to offer me as much comfort as he can as if it would soften the blow of what he is saying somehow.
What the fuck?
"You didn't think it would be a good idea to talk to me before you all made this decision about my life and future?" I ask, raising my voice a little as I am fucking annoyed, ignoring the strain it creates in my throat.
"You haven't been here in weeks and your parents didn't want me to bother you when you're at home. You have missed far too much training time to be able to choreograph any sort of performance in time. I'm really sorry but you just can't skate for us this year." He tells me sternly.
"It's not my fault I've been sick, you know?" I retort back to him, trying to remind him that I can't do anything about how I am feeling and he shouldn't be punishing me for something I have no control over.
"Just try and think positively and maybe you will feel like keeping to your skating schedule next year." He suggests, like it's the first time someone has said those exact words.
Here we go again with the same suggestion. What do people not get? It's hard to think positively when it seems your whole life is falling apart. I haven't seen my friends, only a few texts exchanged between us here and there. I haven't been able to skate and the first time I do in weeks I get kicked off the program and can't compete. I haven't been able to go to college, I hate college most of the time but now I am starting to miss it as it beats being in bed all the time. I go to the doctors to try and get answers about why I am feeling this way and they just tell me it's all in my head.
Maybe I really am crazy.
No, I know I am not. If Archie was still alive he would believe me. I know he is looking down on me now and telling me to find those answers I deserve and to keep strong until I do.
"Yeah, I will. I'll be better next year, I promise." I say, not wanting to share my real thoughts on the conversation. I get up and head to the changing rooms so I can get dressed and go home. I don't know why I promised him, it's nothing to do with him. I guess it was more a promise to myself than it was to him, I have to be better next year. I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like if I am still sick after that long of a time.
I start the shower and sit on the bench as I wait for the water to warm up. There is a party tomorrow that I want to go to. Every figure skater of legal age who is preparing for sectional goes to these parties, along with the hockey players. We all get along well at the rink so the parties are always fun. This party is pretty big deal as it is the final time we can all drink before we have to solely concentrate on training.
I suppose It's not a big deal for me anymore because I won't have to train anymore so I can drink whenever the fuck I like.
I will have to stay in bed for the rest of the day and the whole day tomorrow so I can be well enough to go to the party for an hour or so. I can pretend I'm okay, it will be fine. No matter how many times I tell myself it will be fine, it never really is. I don't know why I bother anymore.
Drinking won't be my priority tomorrow, I don't feel well enough to get drunk anyway and it might mess with the medication I have been put on. I just want to use the time to see my friends and my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in a little while. Hopefully they will be happy to see me there and I can act healthy so I won't spoil their fun.
I lie down on the bench to try and get rid of the feeling of being dizzy and sick, I close my eyes for a few minutes as I wait for the sudden symptoms to pass.