Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 59: Chapter 59

NADIA'S POV:
I have been out of hospital for just under two weeks now and I can now finally say that my scar is fully healed and there were no extra issues, such as infection or popping open a stitch. When the pain relief wore off and I was fully myself again it was like my stomach was hit with a wrecking ball. All I did was lie down and my insides felt like they were churning and my stitches were pounding as they healed.
I never want to have surgery like that again, or even at all, but still, the pain I went through when recovering from it is nothing compared to the constant days of torture I have endured from just being alive.
I have been lying in bed for the past week or so, not doing much of anything and it has been hell. I have been withering away in my bed, feeling forgotten by the world yet again. My parents got me a commode so I don't have to waste all my energy on getting up to go to the toilet when I should be spending it recovering. I have been having daily injections of blood thinners so that I don't develop any blood clots as I am not moving around and getting out of bed as much.
Today is the first day since being out of hospital where I will get out of bed and get dressed. It's new years eve tonight and I won't be going out to do anything but I will watch the fireworks light up the sky from my bedroom window and pray that it won't be another reminder of how my life withered away like a burnt out firework.
Christmas was weird in our household this year, Willem and I hardly spoke to each other and my mum and dad seemed to hardly be speaking too, it's like they were too scared to say anything just in case Willem and I decided to have another fall out.
Ever since Willem found out about Corey and I he hasn't spoken to me, only making vague conversation to ask me how I am when mum and dad have been out of the house or busy. No matter how much he hates me right now he still looks after me as much as he did before and I want to cry at how much I've hurt him.
It's safe to say that this year's Christmas won't go on the list of one's to remember.
Although it was a Christmas filled with awkward silences and not so much love, Willem and I still gave each other our presents. I gave him a new helmet to protect him when he is on the ice as he has been using the same helmet for a couple of years and it has been worn down so much that it is unrecognisable. He refused for ages to get a new one because he only liked the way that one fit him and it hadn't been in stock anywhere so he just forgot about it. When I was looking at what to give everyone I remembered this helmet and it was surprisingly in stock so I got it, making sure to tell my parents that I was because I didn't want them getting it for him as well
He was appreciative when he opened it and he gave me a hug and everything almost felt normal as he was finally being his usual self with me but that all soon went away when he realised he was still mad at me. I've been wanting to speak to him about it all, or at least explain my side of the story but there has never been a right time.
Willem gave me two gifts, the first was a new costume to wear as I do one of my pieces, but obviously I can't wear that anymore so he must've bought it for me before I got poorly. When I opened the blue crystaled costume I felt my heart burst at how beautiful it was and how I can't wait to wear it, but the more I looked at it I started to remember that I may never be able to wear something as stunning as this ever again.
I miss competing, the thrill that winning a competition gets me, the instant rush of adrenaline that soars through my body as soon as the blades cut through the ice for the first time. Figure skating in general I miss and with each day that goes by it slips further and further away from me without my consent.
Maybe one day I can feel as though my dreams haven't been ripped away from me and maybe the hurt and anger will go away one day but I fear that I will never come to terms with what happened and how it happened so suddenly.
I think I will forever be waiting for my dreams to come back to me.
The other gift he got me was a star patterned snoodie, so I can be comfortable and warm always. My parents also got me a pyjama set as there is nothing much else you can get a girl who is stuck inside the same bricks day in and day out.
There wasn't much else that happened over christmas, other than lots of food and me having to go to bed half way through christmas dinner because I came down with a migraine and my body started shaking in exhaustion.
Corey and I haven't really spoken, with me only receiving a merry Christmas message and a few check ups every few days asking how I am and how the recovery is going. I only replied to him on Christmas to wish him a merry Christmas back and to tell him I am fine and that I am feeling much better than I was as I am spending most of it sleeping without any disturbance. I didn't respond to his most recent message because it feels awkward to speak to him now and more forbidden than it did before as Willem now knows and may be listening in, or looking through my text messages in an effort to catch me with him. I know that Willem won't invade my privacy like that but I am on edge as I feel even more trapped in my life as I can't have the freedom I felt when I was with Corey.
I also don't want to reply as I wanted to focus on my college work that has been sent home to me, as I don't want to be slacking behind on that anymore. I still have a bunch of work to do but I can proudly say that I have completed some of it, which is a massive accomplishment considering it is so exhausting to do.
I also want him to focus on his hockey training as the big games are coming up and I need him to be fully on the ball for it as it will go towards his career in hockey. He has more time to train for the semi-finals now as the hockey board had an anonymous email saying that one of the teams were using performance enhancing drugs and needed to be investigated. I didn't think sending that email would work as it isn't a big league thing but nonetheless it gave the team an extra three weeks to practise their teamwork, which is needed as none of them seem to be working much like a team lately.
I sigh out a big breath and pull myself out of bed after finding the courage to finally do so and make my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth as my mouth feels disgusting from how long I slept. I have no idea what time of the day it is, all I know is that I slept a long time even though it doesn't feel like I have had a wink of sleep.
I go downstairs in the search of something to eat and drink as I am parched and I'm met with my mother running around the kitchen like a headless chicken.
"Woah, what's in your pants?" I ask her, wondering what has got her so worked up.
"Oh, you're up? How are you feeling?" She questions me, completely ignoring mine.
"Mum, I'm fine but what's gotten into you?" I ask her again, growing more and more concerned as the time goes on.
"Me? Nothing. It's just that your grandparents are coming to visit today." She tells me and I can't believe that I have forgotten that they come and see us every new year's eve. I can't help that I have forgotten because I'm sure Willem would've forgotten too as every year since we turned fourteen we have spent this night drunk beyond belief in someone's back garden shed.
"Good thing I decided to get up then." I comment glumly as Willem walks into the kitchen with Nathan, both of them eating apples, obviously having replaced his company for his daily runs.
"Hey, Noddy, how are you feeling?" Nathan asks as he chews his bite and I have to bite down on my lips to stop the frown forming.
"I'm good thanks, nice to hear you have more training time before the semi finals." I respond, wanting nothing more than for Willem to be the one I am speaking to right now.
Willem watches mum as she pours a bunch of ingredients into a mixing bowl and he's about to open his mouth to ask her what's going on but I decide to answer for him in an effort to make conversation with my brother. "Did you know our grandparents are coming over today?"
"Shit, why do I forget every year?" He huffs out as he will have to delay going to a party for a couple of hours.
"Because you are always too busy getting blabbered." I laugh and his face lights up slightly, not wanting to let himself be humoured fully to make a point of still being mad at me.
"Can you all either help me make these
cakes or get out of my way? They'll be here in a few hours and I haven't even picked out an outfit." My mum speaks like a mad woman and Nathan, Willem and I look at each other as if we don't know what to do.
"I better head off then," Nathan sighs out, "Same time tomorrow, Willy?"
"Eh, better give it a miss tomorrow." My brother responds and recognition fills Nathan's face as he realises they will be too hungover to even be able to move for the next two days.
Nathan leaves and I can't help but notice that if that was Corey, he wouldn't hesitate to stay and help us all prepare for tonight.
I pull up a bar stool to the counter so I can hand my mum the ingredients needed for the cake, not being able to muster enough strength and energy to be able to mix for her.
Willem stays back for a few moments, looking unsure of what to do before he comes and stands next to me, taking over the job of mixing from mum.
If she wasn't like this every year then I would assume that this was a pathetic attempt at trying to get Willem and I in each other's good books again.
"Go and pick out your outfit mum, we've got this." Willem tells her and she smiles, giving us both a kiss on the head before rushing out of the kitchen in search of her finest clothes.
Willem and I work in silence, knowing when to do the next step without having to speak, only listening to the music my mum had on in the background, which is full of old eighties hits.
I hate that my mum is so stressed, she always does when we have visitors round the house as she needs everything to be perfect for them. She has this whole thing about making us appear as though we are the picture perfect family still, even though we are the furthest we have ever been from it.
It will probably be something we will never get back again thanks to me.
We all get along with my Grandparents but they can be very judgemental quite a lot of the time. We know that they love us but if there was even a speck of dust on a photo frame then my Grandma will be the first one to comment on it, wondering why no one has been bothered enough to do it.
My grandparents don't know the full extent of my health at the minute because ever since they found out they have been hounding my mum with links to different websites about all these new vitamins that will supposedly cure every symptom I have. They are non stop telling her that she should sign me up for yoga because it'll help me destress and get rid of the toxic energy inside of me.
If toxic energy inside of me was the issue then I would've been cured when Maddy and Jasper decided to walk out of my life.
It's nice to be like this with Willem even though we aren't speaking as we stand here working together. It's reassuring to be doing something together, regardless of how boring it is.
We work for a while but I feel myself growing tired again so once the cakes are in the oven I lick out the bowls and spoons for the remainder of the mixture and head back upstairs without saying a word to Willem as he will know where I'll be.
I look at the time and see that it's three in the afternoon so that gives me around two hours of sleep before my grandparents get here to cast their judgement over my health.
Shortly after I have got myself all comfy in bed there is a knock at my door, followed by it opening to Willem standing there with a plate in his hand.
"You haven't eaten anything today so here." He passes me the plate of pancakes before turning to leave.
"Willem," I say sternly, making him pause his steps and turn back around to look at me. "Thank you."
He offers me a nod and goes back to do his own thing. He will probably be messaging that girl he has been seeing and arranging when he can pick her up to take her to the party.
I know that Corey will be going to the party so I just hope that he and Willem don't bump into each other in their drunken states because that will only end in arguments.
I have no intention of even attempting to go to this party as the last time I went to a party I was on death's door for days on end and I don't want the risk of bumping into either Jasper or Maddy tonight no matter how nice it will be to see Corey after all this time.