Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 65: Chapter 65

COREY'S POV:
Just as I exit my car, I receive a text message from Willem, telling me that he can't find Nadia on the roof, although I knew this already. I knew she would be here rather than there as back on the roof would be too easy to find her and she would want to be alone right now. I am completely going against her wishes of wanting to be alone but a small part of me believes that she showed me this place so that I can be there to comfort her when she really needs it.
I text Willem back telling him that I've found her and send him my location so that he can see where we are, as I know that he will want to see that Nadia is okay for himself as that is the type of person he is. I walk into the building and it somehow looks older than it did the first time I came here, even though it wasn't that long ago at all. The bricks have more vines, The windows are more cracked and I would be surprised if there is graffiti covering the walls by now.
I find the main room and my suspicions are confirmed when I find Nadia sitting on the floor with her notebook in one hand and her necklace in the other. I got her that necklace so Archie can always be near her heart, but here it's like she's earning for his touch. I wish the world was easy, I wish that the necklace would morph into Archie's hand so that she can feel him one last time, so that he can guide her to where she needs to be in life.
I stand in the doorway watching her for a while as I don't want to disturb her peace.
I never know what to do or say when people are grieving over a loved one as there never seems to be anything that would make anyone feel better in that situation. Nothing will ever replace the one you lost so nothing is going to make you feel better about it. Nadia has been without Archie for two long years now and this whole time it has eaten her up everyday and I don't think this will be something that will ever get easier for her, she has felt his loss so deeply since the day it happened.
I have never really experienced losing someone to death other than Archie and it is still extremely hard for me when I think about it but ninety nine percent of the time my mind is occupied by something else so I don't have time to think about the fact he's not with us anymore. The only time I have really lost someone is my sister but she didn't die so that doesn't really count right?
I hear Nadia sniffle and I am immediately broken out of my own thoughts and I rush over to her in an effort to protect her from all the negative emotions in her head. I wish inside out was real and I could put multiple happy emotions in her head so she never has to feel like this again. I don't say anything to her as I wrap my arms around her in an attempt to comfort her and her body relaxes into my touch, like she has been longing for the feeling. I think she must've known I was here and was waiting for me to make the first move in comforting her because she never likes to ask for help off anyone ever.
We don't speak, we just stay like this as I gently rock her from side to side in the warmth of my chest, keeping her as protected as I can. She silently cries into me, clinging onto the necklace with everything she has and I feel tears slip out of my eyes over the fact I can't do anything to ease her pain, whether it be her physical or emotional pain. I would trade my life for Archie's if that meant she would get some semblance of her old life back. I also cry because Archie is gone and I haven't given myself time to mourn him today and I never really let myself have a chance to feel sad about his death but here with Nadia, I can.
"I want to ask you something." I say to Nadia as she pulls out of my grip, finally having calmed down slightly. She stays quiet looking at me, silently telling me to carry on speaking. "Do you think you should maybe get some help?"
"Help for what?" She finally speaks, sounding offended by my question. "Do you think I need helping?"
"Honestly, Nadia, yes," I reply carefully, not wanting to rile her up even more. "And I know it's nothing to do with me and you can tell me to fuck off but..."
"Fuck off." She interrupts me but I carry on speaking because I need to get this out there.
"But I think you should maybe try speaking to someone."
"In what world would I do that, Corey? You know I hate speaking about things, it's hard enough speaking to you about it." She tells me, opening up to me again.
"You need help Nadia, I can't be someone you rely on for that sort of thing." I inform her, hating every word that comes out of my mouth as it sounds harsh.
"So you're saying you think I'm a fuck up and you would rather you didn't have to deal with my mental heath on top of my physical health?" She queries angrily, causing me to sigh.
"No, that's not what I'm saying," I take a quick pause to calm myself down. "I'm just saying you need someone else too, someone who will actually help you through this. I don't want you to have to depend on me, our relationship shouldn't be like that."
"But you help me." She responds, sounding more sad than angry now.
"And I will continue to be here for you until the day I die, you know that but I am not a professional." I tell her, hoping to God that she will take in what I am trying to tell her.
Of course I want to be the person who Nadia goes to when she's feeling low about anything and I will be there for her throughout anything I can be and I will try my hardest to support her but there are just some things I can't do. I don't know what the warning signs to look out for are when it comes to a mental health crisis and I have no idea what it is I should say to someone in that situation. I don't want this relationship to be a toxic one, where I am the only person in her life who she can turn to, she deserves more than that. She needs to be able to speak about Archie without having a breakdown every time she even tries.
The thought of if anything happens between us both and she doesn't have anyone else on her side makes me feel sick. I don't want anything bad to happen and I'm not saying it will but she needs someone else other than me. I would happily take on all her issues and make them my own but I need to think of what's best for her.
"No, you're not." She agrees, thinking about my suggestion.
"Will you at least try?" I ask her, not beating around the subject.
She looks up at me and looks as though she is about to say no but she can see in my face how serious I am about this. "I do need help, you're right."
I don't say anything to her, I just pull her in closer to me and give her a kiss on the lips, silently telling her how fucking proud of her I am. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be able to admit to yourself you need help, let alone admit it out loud. I peel the necklace out of her hand, looking at the star consultation on there and bring it up to Nadia's lips so she can kiss the metal and put it back in her hands, closing my hands around hers. I bring them to her chest and hold them there. "He's always here with you right here."
I can see the tears forming in her eyes and I see her start pulling at her own skin, grabbing inches of it as if she is trying to soothe herself of her growing emotions. "You know, since being diagnosed I have had nothing to do but sit and think about it and do you know what I think?"
"What do you think, sweetheart?" I ask her, nervous about what she is going to come out with and I see the slight blush appear on her cheeks at the use of that nickname.
"I think that I wish I never got this diagnosis in the first place," She begins and I know that she doesn't mean it but I let her carry on speaking anyway so she can get her feelings out. "It just hasn't given me any peace at all and I'm going to be stuck like this forever, just like I'm going to be stuck without Archie forever."
There it is, the mention of Archie so now it'll all come crashing down. I am not going to judge her for speaking about him and I will be here to listen but I still strongly believe she needs to go to a therapist about all of this.
"I can't believe he's gone, why has he left me? I can't do this without him. My life has been nothing but misery since he fucking died I want to die too." Nadia lists off a bunch of things and keeps going, growing more and more emotional after each time she speaks.
"I don't deserve to be alive. He should be here instead of me." She sounds breathless now, like she's choking on her words. I can tell that a panic attack will be on the way as I have experienced them quite a lot before big games growing up.
I try to wrap my arms around her in an attempt to give her a reminder of where she is and for something to touch. She pushes me off her and I try my look again but she pushes me off again, not wanting the touch so I back away. If it was Archie here in this situation then he would be there holding her because she would allow that but I am not him unfortunately so all I can do is stand on the sidelines, watching as she clings to every breath.
"Nadia I want you to name me five things you can see around you." I tell her, getting back down on my knees in front of her.
She lifts her head up, looking around and listening to me, "A painting." She breathes out erratically.
"Good, what else?" I push her, trying to get her mind anywhere other than in her own head.
"Ivy," She points out. "Broken floorboards, you, my notebook."
"Good, now tell me four things that you can feel." I suggest, already noticing that she is more grounded than before.
"My necklace," She starts off with as she is playing with it with her fingers. "My hair, the floor and the weeds."
"Now can you tell me three things you can hear around you?" I ask, making sure that her focus stays on me and my words.
"The wind, trees rustling, and uhhh..." She trails off, scrunching her face up as if the anxiety is coming back.
"One more thing you can hear, Sweetheart." I rush out, trying my hardest to keep her anxiety at bay.
"Your voice." She forces herself to say and I quickly say the next question so that she doesn't focus back on her feeling of anxiety.
"Two things you can smell around you?"
"God what? I don't know!" She exclaims, seeming more bothered about answering this than focusing on her anxiety.
"Tell me!" I beg her.
"Damp and uhhh... fuck." She rushes out, seeming panicked about how to answer.
"One more thing, come on." I force her to answer.
"Sweat." She tells me, reminding me that I did in fact not have a shower after training today so I pull a face of surprise at her.
"I'm going to ignore that and you are going to tell me one thing that you can taste." I tell her.
"The burger I had for lunch." She answers, the anxiety seeming to have settled itself.
"That's gross." I wince, pulling her into my arms now as I miss the feel of her so close to me.
How did you know to do that?" She looks up at me and she looks so young and innocent when she does it that it's hard to believe such bad things have happened to her.
"I used to get panic attacks a lot before my games." I admit, basking in the familiarity of opening up to her. Coach was the one who taught me that technique on how to ground myself properly and I want to kiss whoever came up with it because it truly does work wonders. It makes you put your focus into other stuff so that you can calm your erratic breathing down and stop your head going a hundred miles per hour. "Did you mean what you said about wishing you never got the diagnosis?"
"I don't know to be honest, it depends how you look at it. On one end it's the best thing to ever happen to me and on the other it's the worst," She admits, speaking calmly about the situation now. "I really don't know what to think."
"Do you want to know what I think?" I repeat her previous question.
"What do you think, C?" She asks me, just like I did to her moments ago.
"I think that you're the strongest person I've ever fucking met." I admit to her, squeezing her tighter in my arms.
She doesn't reply and I know it's because she doesn't believe what I'm saying but she doesn't want to argue with me but it's true. She has had nothing good come into her life for the past two years, with it only going downhill, and she is still fighting through everything. I know how hard it is for someone to deal with a chronic illness as I have seen it first hand so she deserves some special kind of reward.
You have to be a different kind of brave if you are fighting against your own body everyday.
"I'm sorry about how I treated you in the beginning." I apologise, rubbing her hair.
"It's okay," She smiles with teary eyes. "You believe me now."
If I am being honest I have always believed her on how she felt but I still treated her awfully and I have regretted it everyday since. I believe her because I know from my own experience that someone can feel like this and not have anything actually wrong with them from the doctor's point of view. I think I was so horrible to her and pushed her so much because I didn't want her to feel this way, I think I subconsciously knew it was going to be something like this so I tried to push the thought away completely and it was unfortunately in the way of being mean to her.
"I've always believed you, you know?" I say to her, knowing she needs to hear that someone was on her side the whole time, I know that I wasn't showing that, or really feeling it at the time but I still knew.
I want to tell her that I love her and it honestly is about to slip out as I feel that right now would be a perfect time. It would be nice to make this day have some happy memories for her so that every year she is not only reminded of Archie's death but so she can be reminded that this was the day where I told her I loved her for the first time.
Before I get to utter the words, Willem comes walking in and in all honesty I forgot he was on his way here. I didn't hear the door open so I have no idea how long he has been here. I kind of hope that he has been here for a while so he can really see how much I care about his sister.
"You got here quick." Is all I can think to say in an attempt to warn Nadia of his presence.
"I was at home," Willem answers back and I only now realise how long Nadia and I have actually been here. "Why? Did you want to stay alone?"
His comment tells me all I need to know about how long he has been here for. It must've been a while as he is making bitchy comments like that.
I shoot Willem a glare and he smiles back and I genuinely cannot tell whether he is mad at me or not. He shouldn't be mad because I have just calmed his sister down from a panic attack so how could he hate me for that?
"What are you doing here?" Nadia asks, looking at Willem as he bends down in front of her in my arms. I want to let go of her because I don't want to make Willem uncomfortable with me being all affectionate with her but I decide not to let go because I shouldn't have to change how I want to be if someone is uncomfortable with it.
"I Came to check on you, Corey told me where you were." Willem responds, looking at the notebook and necklace sitting in Nadia's lap and hand.
"I'm fine now." Is all she replies with, turning back to look at me to shoot me a warning glare over the fact I told him.
"Don't worry, I'm not staying. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, we were all worried about you," Nadia doesn't say anything back to him so he carries on speaking, changing the conversation. "You never told me about this place."
"I haven't told anyone." Nadia comments, looking around the room as if she is remembering all the memories she has in here.
"Apart from Corey." Willem replies back and I can hear the hostility in his voice.
"I never told you about this place because I wanted to have one thing with just Archie and I. Yes we had the roof but everyone knew about that, this is the one place where we were unapologetically ourselves," Nadia defends herself, growing more emotional again so I rub her arms reminding her that I'm here with her. "I told Corey because he makes me feel the same as Archie did."
"And how's that?" Willem asks, genuinely curious.
"Like I can forget about everything else around me." She declares and I smile to myself over what she said because it fills me with so much warmth that it hurts but on the other side of the room, Willem's expression turns sour.
I'm so glad that I can be this person to Nadia that I can be the same kind of person Archie was for her because she needs that but the last thing I want is for her to shut everyone else out and for it to turn into a reliance on me. I am so fucking terrified of that happening.
Willem looks at Nadia, then looks at me and repeats this several times until his gaze softens and I think in this moment he realises how much we mean to each other and how much we aren't going to back down from the feelings we have for eachother. My friendship with Willem means so much to me and he knows that but he also knows that my feelings for Nadia go further and beyond everything else. It may make me a bad friend that I would choose Nadia over Willem, especially with how long we have been friends but I hope it proves to him that I'm not even willing to let him get in the way of what we have.
"I promise, I'm okay." Nadia informs Willem and he sighs, giving her a kiss on her forehead before getting up to leave.
"I won't be the overprotective brother then, I'll leave you to it," He says and it almost sounds like he has to force the words out of his mouth. "I love you, okay?"
"I love you too." She replies back and I am somewhat jealous of how easily they can say that to each other because if I old her that then it would be a big fucking deal.
Willem gives me a look before walking away and I jump up after him. "I'll see you out."
We walk outside, so that we are far away enough from Nadia so that she won't be able to hear us and I am fully expecting him to give me an earful but he puts his arms around me to give me a hug. I am severely shocked by the action so I have no idea of what to do with my hands but I put my arms around him too. In all our years of being friends there have been very few instances in which we have hugged and it's only been when we have really needed it. I want to cry in all honesty because I never meant for any of this to happen, I never meant to fall for my best friend's sister and I can't even hate myself for it because I am so fucking happy with that girl.
Just like I help her forget that Archie isn't with us anymore, she helps me forget that my sister is miles away from home.
"Can I ask you something?" Willem asks, pulling back from the embrace, his eyes rimmed red as if he was also stopping himself from crying.
"Do you love her?"
I cannot respond to his question but with the way I am looking at him right now, I know that he knows I do. It's hard to fucking miss. His eyes soften when he looks at how much of a mess I am when it comes to loving that girl. I cannot admit it out loud yet that I do love her and I can't admit it to her brother because that's a different kind of vulnerability I am not ready to have just yet.
"I'm guessing she doesn't know then?" he queries, seemingly knowing everything.
"No."
"If you can't love her how she deserves to be loved then you need to leave her alone." Is all he says to me before heading back towards his car. I don't give myself time to process what he just told me as I head straight back inside to be with Nadia, She is more important right now.