Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 67: Chapter 67

NADIA'S POV:
I'm feeling anxious right now as my brother will be home any minute. Today he had an interview with some guy from the England ice hockey Olympics team so it's safe to say that today is a pretty big deal for him.
Willem and I both wanted to be in the Olympics, with me on the figure skating lineup and him on the ice hockey team. It would have been an amazing accomplishment to have two Marsh's in the Olympic squad but now there may only be one. I hope that my brother can still live out our dream as he still deserves to get what he wants, even if it is without me.
I'm lying on the sofa mentally pacing backwards and forwards around the living room like my parents are as I wait for Willem to come home and when he finally does we all perk up at the sound of the door slamming shut.
The sound sparks some anxiety in me as him slamming the door may mean he is angry because the interview went badly. Willem finds us in the living room and it looks like he has been crying and his face looks like a slapped arse. I feel my heart drop at the sight of him and I feel the urge to push myself up off the sofa to wrap my arms around him in a hug.
I smell the strong aftershave when I approach him and now that I am so close to him, I can smell the slight scent of weed lingering and this causes me to let out a high pitch squeal.
"No way?" I screech, wanting to jump up and down but my body won't let me.
"Yes way!" He says excitedly back to me. "They said they loved me and will be in touch soon."
My parents now erupt in cheers, rushing towards us in our embrace to wrap their arms around us, finally understanding what is going. "How did you figure it out before us?" My dad asks me.
"I just knew," I reply, looking at Willem with a smile and he smiles back at me, knowing full well how I figured him out. "Anyway, how did it go? Tell us all about it."
"They have been watching our last few games and training sessions looking in on us and they interviewed those of us who they saw as good candidates," He explains, even though we already knew this but he is just reminding us. "Other than me it was Corey, Jasper, Zack, Liam and Nathan."
I feel oddly proud that Jasper has managed to get an interview with these guys as to be able to get one is a massive accomplishment in itself. He was a terrible boyfriend to me during the last few months of our relationship but that doesn't stop the care I have for him and the need to see him succeed in life. We were each other's first everything, that doesn't just go away just because we aren't together anymore.
"A good bunch of you then." My mum says, her pride shown all over her face.
"Yeah!" Willem agrees, looking towards me again now. "Do you want to know what's even more amazing?"
"Go on." I ask, intrigued with what he could come out with next.
"Jasper turned up late and it seemed like he was hungover." Willem tells me, laughing but I can't help but feel a bit sorry for him.
"I doubt he will be getting on the team then." My dad offers to the conversation and he looks pretty sad about it too. My relationship with Jasper ending has definitely affected my dad more than it has anyone else, even me, as they had somewhat of a father and son relationship themselves.
"Definitely not." Willem responds, seeming happier than everyone else about the fact.
"I'm going to head upstairs now, I'm beat," I announce to them and hold my hand out to Willem, who looks at me confused. I raise my eyes at him and he rolls his in return and he reaches into his pocket, handing me a tin. "Well done, Will."
I kiss him on the cheek and make my way upstairs, still being able to hear the faint conversation from downstairs. "What was that?"
"Mints." Willem replies, causing me to let out a large laugh.
My parents aren't stupid, they know what that tin was and they know full well that I am about to go up on our roof and smoke it. They don't care that we smoke it, as long as it is only occasional and that it's the only drug we do. I'm pretty sure that they used to be relentless with the stuff when they were our age anyway.
Smoking weed helps with my pain so whenever I can get my hands on the stuff, I will use it. I don't do it very often as I don't want to be reliant on the stuff, so on the rare occasion that I do use it, it is a massive luxury. I used to smoke cigarettes rarely to forget about the stress in my life but I kind of forgot about it the more sick I got, just like everything else in my life.
I make my way up to the roof, ignoring the pain in my body. Whenever I come up here, I make sure that my body isn't too fucked because I don't want to risk falling off whenever I am climbing up or down. I sit on the edge, with my feet dangling off the side and I am glad we are still in winter as it gets dark so early, so no one will see what I am doing, they will certainly be able to smell it though.
Once I light the joint, I bring it up to my mouth and inhale, tsking in as much of the familiar taste I can. I never have been a fan of the taste or smell of weed like other people are, I am just a fan of the effects it has on my body. It doesn't only help ease my pain, it helps calm down my mind. My mind was made in a way that seems to make it run a million miles a minute so it is nice to have that slowed, with me not thinking many thoughts at all and if I do think any thoughts whilst I'm high, they don't seem to eat me up as much.
I think back to Jasper as I smoke and what he has become. He was once the star hockey player but Corey overtook that title from him long ago. I think that's when he really started to change; he went from being the it guy, the guy who was friendly with everyone, to being the guy who seemed like he coudln't give a fuck about anyone but himself.
I hate that he has thrown his whole career away just because he wanted to get drunk the night before. I want to reach out and text him, asking him how his interview went but I decide against it as it's not my place to do so anymore. I don't know what Corey would think if he found out I texted Jasper but I doubt he would think very highly of it, but knowing Corey he would be his usual understanding self.
I'm peacefully enjoying my smoking when I spot a figure walking up the drive. I panicked at first because it's a strange figure in the dark but then I see his bright smile looking up at me.
"What's that peculiar smell?" He shouts up to me, breathless as he's climbing up the side of the house.
"I couldn't tell you." I smile innocently at him when I see his head pop up next to me and hide the joint behind my back. I offer him a hand and he pulls himself up without using me and I think he's about to pull me in for a kiss but instead he reaches behind my back, taking the joint from between my fingers.
He brings it up to his mouth and I stare at him bewildered. "Did I say you could have that?"
He smirks at me as he inhales the joint and he brings his thumb to my chin, pulling it down so that my mouth is open. I stay still, waiting to see what his next move is and he brings his head closer to mine until our lips are eventually touching. He exhales the smoke into my mouth and I blow it back out into his face. He kisses me once we are both free from smoke and I smile, knowing that my cheeks have turned mysteriously red.
"Better?" he asks me and I want to jump off this roof right now because I smile and blush at him again.
"Better," I confirm, stealing my joint back from him. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"I didn't actually come for you," He begins and I feel myself growing offended, as if I have somehow forgotten that he was Willem's friend before anything else. "I came to see Willem but seeing you is an added bonus."
"Are you two talking again then?" I query because there is no way he would turn up here if Willem wasn't completely okay with it.
"I'm still trying to figure that one out."
"How did the try outs go?" I ask Corey as he hasn't brought it up yet and he puts his arm around me, pulling me close to his side.
"Really fucking good." He tells me, but he doesn't seem happy about it.
"Why don't you seem too pleased?" I ask him, throwing my joint on the roof as I'm done with it now and all I need to do is wait for the high to take me.
"I'm just not too sure it's for me, you know?" He admits and I look at him shocked because I genuinely thought this is what he has been wanting to do since he was little.
"What?"
"I just feel like this is a hobby, not my future like it was my dad's," He begins and I grow more concerned for him. "I love hockey don't get me wrong and I love playing but I don't want to do the Olympics and I think that the opportunity should go to someone who wants it more than me, such as Willem."
"You don't want to play hockey anymore?" I question him, not wanting his answer to be yes.
Corey has worked so hard for his future in this sport, just like I did with figure skating and I can't have all his hard work going to waste too. I thought this is what he wanted from his life. I feel extremely guilty now as I have been too in my own problems that I have completely abandoned his in his own.
"It's not that I don't want to play hockey, I really do because I love it. It's just I don't think the Olympics is for me. I either want to be on an ice hockey team that plays all the time or maybe become a coach." He explains and honestly it makes sense that he feels this way. When Corey is on the ice he becomes a leader, which would make him the perfect coach and the role would honestly suit him. He likes to order the team around and set up their positions in order for them to win and he does a damn good job of it too.
"Can you join the team your dad was on?" I ask him, probably sounding silly but not caring as the high gets stronger and stronger, feeling zen as it takes away my pain. It's times like these where I wish cannabis was legalised because it really does help people like me; people who can find an escape from how they feel by getting high, I don't know why or how it helps with pain but it just feels like my soul steps out of my physical body for a few hours, making me feel blank and like there's nothing wrong with me at all.
"I could ask but I feel like there would be too much trauma there for him and he will end up taking that out on me." He answers my question and I want to ask him so many more questions but I don't as I don't think that even he has figured out what he wants to do with his life yet. We can cross that bridge together when we come to it.
"I hope you figure it out. I'll help you with whatever you need and support your decision either way." I tell him and give him a gentle kiss on his cheek to show to him that I will always be by his side.
"Thank you, sweetheart, it means a lot to hear you say that," He exclaims, smiling slightly at my words. "It's why I came to speak to Willem actually."
"What do you mean?" I ask him, lifting my head up to look at him.
"He's the reason why I even tried out for the Olympic team in the first place," He starts off by saying and I feel him tense up the further he goes along with the story. "He suggested the idea years ago and ever since we have had it in our heads that we would grow as players together. We trained together, made it on the Puck Flyers together and then we would go on to try out together and then hopefully get in together."
"Sounds like it would be one for the books." I say, trying to make it a lighthearted conversation more than a deep one as he should be having that with Willem, not me.
"Yeah, it does," He smiles slightly. "I just hate that I'm going to be letting him down."
My heart aches for Corey and how he feels regarding the situation. I know that his feelings have nothing to do with me and he has probably been thinking about this for a while but I can't help but think that it has to do with me. I feel like everything bad that happens is my fault because of my chronic illness. I can't help but think it's about me because ever since Corey and I started seeing each other, his friendship with my brother has not been the same, maybe he feels as though the easier option would be not to do this anymore as they aren't really on speaking terms.
"You should really speak to him about that." I suggest, rubbing his arms in an attempt to soothe him as he still feels tense.
"I will but another time, I'm tired." Is all he says and he suddenly seems cold, like he wants to get away from me and be alone.
"Can I ask you a question?" I ask him to take his mind off whatever war is going on inside his head about his future in ice hockey and his friendship with Willem, but also so he will stay with me and not leave. I wanted to be alone tonight but now Corey is here, I want his presence wrapped around me like a blanket.
"Hit me."
"Do you think we can truly be together now, you know, with everything?" I question, anxiety gnawing away at me now that I have actually said this out loud. I want to grab my words and push them all back into my mouth so he can never hear the embarrassing question at all. Corey stays silent, looking at me bewildered so I carry on talking in an attempt to fill the silence with something other than the tension between us. "I don't care if you don't think you can love me, I want whatever part of you I can get."
I am going to blame this on the cannabis if this doesn't go my way.
I am weary of how he will answer this question as I overheard his conversation the other day with Willem. I listened to what they were doing when Corey left the room with my brother as I just knew the conversation would be about me and I was right. I listened to Willem ask Corey if he loved me and I didn't hear Corey's response as it was so quiet, that's if he even answered at all. The next thing I heard was Willem saying that If Corey doesn't love me the way I deserve to be loved then he should leave me alone, which makes me wonder what Corey's reaction to his question showed my brother.
It couldn't have been anything good if he said that.
"Can you please say something? Why are you looking at me like that?" I plead for him to talk to me. "I am about five seconds away from jumping off this roof so you better start talking."
"Five."
"Four."
"Three."
"Two."
"One." I countdown and Corey is still staring at me and I am beginning to wonder if I have suddenly grown an extra head in the time we have been on this roof.
"Corey, for fucks sake talk to me." I order him, wanting to cry because I can usually read what this boy is thinking like the back of my hand but right now I genuinely can't tell.
I am a know it all kind of person. I hate surprises and when people tell me something, whether that be instructions or they are explaining something that happened to me, I need the full details. I need the full time line of events that happened start to finish because the unknown about things kills me and me not knowing what the fuck is going through Corey's head right now terrifies the shit out of me. It doesn't help that he is not letting any emotion show on his face, as if he knows I am trying to read him.
A smirk lifts on his face as he knows I am trying to read him. He notices my offence at this and starts laughing. I unwrap his arm from my shoulders and scoot a little away from him, showing my annoyance. I want to shrink into myself because is this where the truth comes out that I was some bet made in the hockey team?
"Sorry, what?" Corey asks me and my mouth opens in shock.
"You're asking me that? You're the one who just burst out laughing when I asked you a genuine question." I remark, pointing an angry finger directly at him, so close to his face I almost boop his nose a couple of times.
"Sweetheart, that's a question you shouldn't even have to ask." He tells me softly, closing the space between us again and rewrapping his arm around me, comforting me from my own thoughts.
"I overheard you and Willem talking at Archie's house." I admit, wanting him to explain this one to me as I can't handle not knowing what was said.
"I thought we already were truly together, baby," Corey says, his voice soft as if he is trying not to damage me with his words anymore. "I only want you. I have always only wanted you."
I stay silent just like he was moments ago because I don't really know what to say and I feel somewhat stupid that I allowed my anxiety to take over me like that. I need to learn to trust him that his feelings for me are real. It's just hard when there is a constant voice in the back of my head asking why anyone would feel that way about me when I am confined to my bed most of the time.
"Give me your hand," He orders me so I hold it out for him. He takes it in his own, bringing it up to his chest and I can feel his heart hammering out of his chest. The strong beat makes me feel a bit queasy as it doesn't feel too healthy, it's like he has just come off the ice after an hour of training. "I want you to keep it there when I explain this, so you can feel how much I mean my words."
I wait for him to pluck up the courage to say what he wants and there is a bout of comfortable silence between us until he feels brave enough to explain how he feels. "There's been a place for you in my heart ever since I first laid eyes on you. You never have to worry about my love for you. You will never be unloved by me ever because what I have with you I couldn't even imagine with anyone else but you."
I just look at him in shock because we both know what he is admitting to without even saying the words. I don't think he even realised what he was saying to be honest so I chose to ignore the slip up and take my hand away from his chest, but after his words I feel closer to him than I did before.
I don't have the energy to think of a response as my mind has gone pretty blank now and it's hard to tell if it is because of the weed or because of my fatigue kicking in but either way, I should get myself to bed. I reply to Corey by pressing my lips against his and we both smile when our lips touch each other. I feel safe here with Corey under the stars. He breaks the kiss first and just looks at me longingly. I feel too embarrassed to look at him straight away but I can see his eyes glisten under the stars and when our stares meet, his eyes ignite.
"I hate to break the mood but Archie is definitely laughing at us right now." I comment, feeling somewhat happy thinking of my best friend for a change.
"Oh, he is." Corey agrees, thankfully not being offended that I keep bringing Archie up during our intimate moments together.
"I miss him." I reiterate, finding comfort in my own words.
"You see that star up there?" Corey asks, leaning into my side, squinting to make sure we can both see the same thing and he is pointing up at the brightest star in the sky. "That's him."
I smile at his words, knowing that it will be him. It doesn't matter the size of stars, they are all unique and extraordinary. The star Corey pointed to was not necessarily the biggest, which just shows that even the smallest stars can shine the brightest.