Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 68: Chapter 68

COREY'S POV:
I look next to me and see Nadia fast asleep. Clutching her teddy in her arms as a comfort thing. I've been staring at the ceiling for hours, not wanting to move as I don't want anyone to know I am here. I slept over last night as I wanted to stay with Nadia but this morning has been filled with guilt over putting my friendship with Willem on the back burner. Last night I came over here to speak to him but instead I ended up in bed with his sister, not having spoken to him at all. I will speak to him about it another time as I have something planned for Nadia and I today.
I hear the door opposite open and close, meaning Willem is awake so he must be going off for the morning jog. Usually I would be the one going with him but he has since drafted Nathan into going with him. I was bothered about being replaced to begin with but as the days went on I realised that my mornings were a lot better when I spend a few extra hours in bed. I don't do as much training as I should anymore as I want my spare time to be spent with my girl but I will get back into it once I have recovered my friendship with Willem as it's boring going to the gym on my own.
I look over to Nadia, who is fast asleep facing me with one arm resting over my torso, and she looks the most beautiful in the morning. There is something so peaceful and vulnerable about her expression that it invites me in. In the morning she is her rawest self and she allows me to see that and I love every bit of it.
My mind can't help but go back to Nadia's diagnosis because I can't imagine how it feels to have the one thing you've been wanting for so long but for it not to be a relief at all. This situation reminds me very much of my mother, who had a similar thing happen to her. My mum didn't speak about it with us kids a lot as we were too young to understand fully and it's something she can't bring herself to talk about with us, but we all understood how it made her feel.
My siblings and I are all closer to our mum because we had to take it in turns to look after her when she was sick as my dad never seemed to be in and I can't blame him because we all hated seeing our mum screaming out, begging for it to end. It has affected me a lot growing up to have to care for my mother from such a young age and I would never say I wouldn't do it because I love my mum and all I want is for her to be okay but it was hard. My dad does most of it now that we are all older and have our own stuff to do but he spends more time out of the house than in it. I can't say that I blame him though as it is hard to watch the person you love go through so much. I have sympathy rather than envy towards him now as I can understand it as I didn't know what it was like before.
I need to tell Nadia about my mum because maybe they can meet properly and both of them can have someone there for them who understands how they are feeling and not someone who knows only what is on google and what they have told us about. Maybe if Nadia knows about my mum she would understand why I was so harsh to her when I first found out she was feeling this way and it was all because of my trauma with my own mother's health.
I just didn't want the girl that I love going through the same thing I have to watch my own mother go through everyday.
I hate being at home because not only do I have the constant reminders of Natalie, the house is also filled with the pain coming from my mother's room.
I hear Willem and Nathan talking outside so I am safe from Willem walking in and finding me in here. Nadia really needs to get a lock on her door so it is easier for us both to sneak around. I feel my usual bout of guilt but that is quickly withered away when I remember that I don't have anything I really need to feel guilty about.
I take this time with it just being us, as her parents are both usually in their studies working at this time, and look at Nadia again, who hasn't stirred at all since I last looked. It almost hurts to look at her as someone this beautiful shouldn't have to live a life like hers. She carries everything by herself and yet she can still sleep so soundly. She bares the weight of her life on her own back and she suffers doing it and yet she still looks like the most beautiful girl in the world to me. She is a girl who is caught between who she wants to be and who she has been forced to be. She is the type of flower that could still grow after a forest fire because rock bottom knows her name and it's afraid of her as she does nothing but get back up time and time again.
I want to show her the world. I want to show her that there is more to life than this illness of hers. The chances of her getting better are low, but not impossible and knowing the type of person Nadia is withh her stubbornness and resilience, she will be one of the few that can say fuck you to myalgic encephalomyelitis.
I carefully reach my phone that's on the bedside table and try my hardest not to make her stir as it would be a shame to disturb her when sleeping is the only chance she gets to be free from pain. I go on my phone, ignoring all my texts and book the tickets that I have been thinking of getting all morning. I'm not sure if Nadia will be feeling up to it and I don't want her to force herself out of the house to please me so I'll ask how she's doing before I tell her where we are going.
I don't know how much time has passed when I decide to gently move her arm from my torso and lay it back down on the bed, all without her knowing. I get myself to the bathroom as I have been bursting for a piss since I woke up. I find my clothes from yesterday in Nadia's bathroom and hope to god that someone hasn't somehow seen them and get suspicious. I put my clothes back on, not caring that they will be dirty and brush my teeth with a spare toothbrush I found under the sink.
I go back into Nadia's room and I'm not surprised when I see her still peacefully asleep. I rummage through her clothes and find an outfit that I think she will look beautiful in but she will also be comfortable in and her trainers, which she seems to live in now. I try to ignore the fact that I see her ice skates dumped in the bottom of her wardrobe, as if they are hidden away as she can't bear to see them in her room. Her ice skates are trapped in her wardrobe just like she is also trapped inside of her own body and I can't help but hate the symmetry of it.
"Sweetheart," I say my first words of the morning in an attempt to wake Nadia up. "I need you to wake up for me."
She moves slightly but I won't push her to wake up if she isn't ready too yet. I will wait hours in silence if that is what it has to take but I have training later on so I can't miss that and I would rather leave when Willem is nowhere near the house so that there is no chance of him catching us together. I think deep down he knows that we won't stop seeing each other but for him to see us together would be a totally different thing for him.
"Nads." I say, this being my second and final attempt at waking her up and she jumps awake at the familiar nickname.
"What's wrong?" She asks, her voice all croaky from her deep sleep. I move over to her bedside table and pour her a glass of water, giving it to her to drink.
"How are you feeling today?" I question and I know it's an eager question considering she has just woken up but I really want to be able to take her to this place today.
"I have been awake two seconds, C," She laughs, almost spitting out her water in the process. "But, I think I'm okay to be honest."
"Yeah?" I ask, wanting her to be positive and not just be saying that as I don't want to make her worse with my plans today.
"Yeah," She confirms, passing me back her glass. "Last night was really relaxing."
It's true and I know that I only had a couple of puffs of the joint but it was relaxing for me too. I always seem to be relaxed in Nadia's company as she makes the darkness in my head disappear. When I am in her company sleep seems to be natural, like my insomnia has just decided to leave me be. She is the one person who can make sunshine out of the darkness in my mind, it's like she leads the way for me to get somewhere good.
My favourite place to be is with this girl in front of me with messy hair, morning breath and bags under her eyes.
"Good," I smile to myself and she shoots me a questioning look and I put her glass on the table and I stand up "I want to take you somewhere today so get yourself changed, although I can help you with that if you want me too."
"Wipe that smirk off your face," She orders me but as soon as she stands up I pull her into my chest, going in to kiss her but she pulls away with no hesitation. I feel my heart deflate a little at the action as insecurity seeps its way inside of me. "I can't kiss you."
"Why?" I query, almost not wanting to ask as I sound so little and pathetic in front of her.
"I haven't brushed my teeth yet." She exclaims, picking up her clothes that I picked out and my built up anxiety flushes out of my system and I laugh at her stupidity.
"I don't care," I respond, stepping closer to her but she bolts out the door. "Don't run away from me."
I hear her cackle as she runs down the landing and we both forget who we are in this moment; I forget that I shouldn't be here and that me and her aren't supposed to be together so I shouldn't be chasing her around the corridor for everyone to hear us, she forgets that she is sick, that this simple act of her running a few metres away from me will most definitely agonise her for the next coming days.
Just as I catch up to her we reach the bathroom and there when I think she is about to pull me in with her, she closes the door in front of my face causing my smile to wipe completely. As if she can sense my sudden expression she laughs from the other side of the door.
"Nadia." I beg, trying the doorknob but it won't open as she has locked it and the only response I get is a giggle in return. I will stand here until she pulls me in and I think she knows that so it's not long until I hear the bathroom door unlock. I don't give her a chance to open the door fully until I'm pushing her inside so she is against the sink, receiving a shocked squeak coming from Nadia's mouth.
I keep her pinned there and run my fingers along her skin, starting with her hands, going up her arms and then proceeding to touch her neck. I don't miss the way that her breathing grows heavier as my touch traces her skin. I can feel the goosebumps forming on her skin as I touch her and she is still between me and the sink.
I bring my lips to hers but make an effort not to touch them. I feel her inching forward to try and make our lips touch but I move backwards, stopping her from being able to achieve it.
"Corey." She begs me, like I was begging her a few seconds ago.
"Tell me what you want, sweetheart." I tell her, wanting her to use her words to tell me she wants the same thing I want.
She doesn't respond verbally but instead forces my hand off her skin and grabs my face, kissing me deeply. We both groan into the kiss as it's something we have been wanting to do to each other since the first time we slept together. I've missed her like this, being able to completely let herself go for some pleasure at my hands.
I break apart the kiss, my breathing heavy as I look into her eyes for confirmation and she nods. Her pupils are wide, her lips are swollen and her cheeks are flushed, showing me that she is feeling the exact same way I am right now.
I press against her so that she can feel me through my joggers. I am so hard it is quite uncomfortable but I want this to be about Nadia so when she reaches down to try and touch me I stop her movements. If I let her touch me then I wouldn't have enough strength to be able to make her stop.
I keep my eyes on hers as I bring my hand down to her waistline and notice how her breathing picks up. "Is this okay?"
"Yes, that's good." She confirms breathlessly.
I hum into her neck as I kiss it, wanting her to feel every ounce of pleasure she can. I creep my fingers down her knickers and find her clit, feeling the wetness already there and when I touch it she grabs my shoulders as if to steady herself from the feeling. I start slowly, watching her as she moans out in pleasure.
I always feel close to Nadia but it's in our intimate moments like these where I feel like we are in the same body. She is the only one receiving any sort of physical pleasure right now and yet I still feel like I'm on the receiving end.
I gradually move the speed of my fingers up and move them up and down, trying to stimulate her as much as I can and her grip on my shoulders tighten and her legs wobble the longer I touch her.
I find a pace she seems to react best with and stick to it, wanting to keep to a rhythm so she can orgasm quickly as even though I enjoy touching her, I don't want to exhaust her. I keep my fingers moving and she cups my cheek with one hand, leaving the other gripped onto my shoulders and kisses me again.
We hear commotion ring through the house but we ignore it, only caring about where we are at this moment. Someone tries opening the door as Nadia lets out a deep moan into my lips and she rips away from me, trying to pry my hand off her but I simply shake my head unmoving.
"Nadia are you in there?" Willem's voice is muffled through the door and I cringe slightly as I hear him speak as I am getting his sister off.
I look at Nadia, giving her a warning look to tell her to reply.
"Yes," She says, her voice shaky as I carry on touching her and she grinds her hips towards me. "I'll be out in a minute."
"I'll use the other bathroom, no worries." Willem responds, leaving us alone now.
I slip my tongue into her mouth, allowing it to tangle with hers and she moans against my lips, not being able to kiss me anymore as she is getting close. I circle my two fingers on her clit and I feel myself growing harder the longer I touch her but I push the thought away and focus on the girl in front of me.
"You're so fucking beautiful." I breathe into her neck and I feel her grip tighten on my shoulders as she crumbles in my arms. I cover her mouth so that no one will be able to hear us.
"Fuck, Corey." She cries out into my hand as she comes undone and I want nothing more to fuck her right on this counter but this was about her, not me.
"Are you okay?" I ask her and she nods in response, too out of breath to mutter any words right now.
"Thank you." She comments after a few moments of her trying to regulate her breathing. I know she is saying thank you because I didn't sleep with her. She doesn't want me to know that I know she compares how me and her are to her relationship with Jasper, which I am honestly fine with as I vow to be nothing like him. She will be happy and safe with me. I'm going to give this girl the love that burns, not the one that ignites and dies.
I look in her eyes, seeing that they are slightly glassy, meaning that she is hiding the pain she is currently in. I kiss her gently on the forehead, silently telling her how I feel and with the way she is staring back at me, I know she knows. None of this was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to love her like this but I am so fucking glad I have fallen for this girl because she deserves a love where she is reminded that she is not hard to love.
I open my arms for her to come and give me a cuddle and I hope that for her, my arms feel more like home than any house ever has.
"Guess what." I fill the silence.
"What?" she murmurs into my chest.
"You did all that without brushing your teeth."