Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 78: Chapter 78

NADIA'S POV:
"I don't even want to go that badly." I announce as my brother and Corey push the wheelchair in front of me in my hallway.
"Yes you do," Willem confirms, patting the seat telling me to sit. "Why wouldn't you want to see your dearly beloved and the best brother win the finals?"
I roll my eyes, not wanting to deal with his bullshit today. I need to save my energy for the game and Willem needs to stop wasting both of our energy on his pointless banter.
"I'm sure she can't think of anything better." Corey rolls his eyes, giving me a short but sweet kiss on my cheek.
My brother visibly grimaces, "I'm still not a fan of that." He gestures between me and Corey and we smile sheepishly at him.
"Then you better start because I'm gonna marry her someday." Corey boasts out, picking me up from my waist and spinning me around, causing me to scream out in joy.
My heart skips a beat at Corey's admission and it's a mix between anxiety and excitement. I want to marry the fuck out of this boy when the time comes but the thought of marriage is what terrifies me. He says he won't but I can't help the nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps poisoning the thoughts in my brain by telling me that Corey will grow tired of me and will end up resenting me. It is one thing to be stuck in an unhappy marriage, but it is another to resent the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with.
If I stay in this girlfriend label to Corey then we won't have the same kind of commitment as a married couple will have, so when he eventually does come to his senses and realises he can't be with someone like me for the rest of his life, then it will be easier to call it quits.
It will be easier for him to go and satisfy his needs in some place else.
"I think I preferred it when you were both being secretive about your relationship," Willem replies gruffly, walking off and shortly coming back with a cushion. "So you don't get a sore bum."
He places the pillow on the wheelchair seat and gestures for me to take a seat but I shake my. Head. "Nads..." Corey says softly, looking like I just pierced him in the heart.
"Don't, C, I don't want to take it." I snap back, not meaning to spit as much venom as I did and he visibly shrinks at the way I spoke to him.
"Don't want to take what?" My mum questions me as she walks into the hallway with dad, all wrapped up warm in their new coats for the game tonight.
"Nothing," I reply at the same time Willem and Corey say, "Her wheelchair."
I turn back to face them just so I can scowl at them and my middle finger miraculously raises up in their direction. "How did that get there?"
"Same way this got here." Willem beams, holding both of his fingers up at me back, causing Corey to laugh as he looks between the pair of us.
Our parents however, don't seem to be so entertained by it as their drowned out sighs behind us takes away all the humour and brings us back to the room.
"Why don't you want to take your chair?" Dad asks, looking at his watch and tapping his foot on the floorboards, growing panicked about the time.
I shrug in response, not wanting to give him my answer but Willem answers for me, "She doesn't want people to stare at her."
"Shut the hell up." I warn him, and Corey takes on being protective and stands next to me and it helps my anger settle slightly being in this close proximity to him.
"No, I won't," He bites back, pointing to the chair now. "You need to get over this fear of being seen in a wheelchair. It's something you need and it's not anyone's business but your own, hell it isn't even our business."
"Exactly, it's not your business so keep your nose out of it." I sneer at him, breathing heavily as my body is so filled with rage.
"Well forgive me for trying to help," He grimaces, zipping up his coat and grabbing his bag and stick. "I'll be in the car when you're ready to leave."
"Willem." My mum calls after him but he stalks out the door, slamming it behind us, causing us all to flinch.
"Why can't you just listen to him, Nadia?" My dad groans into his hands and I gape back at him.
"No way you are blaming this on me?" I stutter, taking a step back in pure shock. "He's the one that doesn't respect how I feel about it."
"He's trying to help you," Corey whispers to me but it falls flat as my parents can still hear everything he's saying. "You've used your wheelchair before."
"Don't fucking start, Corey. You don't understand." I snarl and I am well aware how horrible I am this time.
"Then help me!" He roars back to me and I feel the floodgates on my eyes start to open.
One thing I will not tolerate anymore with my illness is people telling me what to do with it and how I should be managing it. They aren't sure what pain, or how much of it I actually feel when I am doing something, so why should they be the ones to tell me whether or not I should use a walking aid or not.
I am going to be in pain regardless of whether I use something or not and I understand that it will be a lot less if I do take my wheelchair, but a few days of agony is nothing compared to losing my dignity completely, especially when I am in pain everyday now.
"You need to go to the rink." Is all I say, refusing to look at him.
"No, I'm not going until you tell me what's going on up here." He points to my head and then rests his forehead on my own and his sweet vanilla scent engulfs me.
"I can't handle the stares and silent questions, okay?" I finally admit, screwing my face up at the backlash my admission will cause but he says nothing, allowing me to continue. "I don't want you to end up being embarrassed of me."
"Nadia, shut the hell up," He reassures me with a sweet smile before turning serious again. "Is this about what those girls said to you?"
"What girls?" My parents ask furiously, reminding me of their presence in the conversation which I completely forgot about. We both ignore them and go back to focusing on only eachother once more.
"You are the stars in my eyes Nadia, you have a special place in here," He points to his heart. "You couldn't embarrass me even if you left me with nothing. I'd happily be left with nothing from you if it meant I got to have you at all."
I blush at his words and bring myself to kiss him and all my anxiety about using my chair with him has vanished. I know how much he cares about me and that won't change but it doesn't stop how everyone else will see me.
"It isn't worth losing energy just because you want to fit in with able-bodied people and if you need a wheelchair just so you can go out like a normal teenage girl, then you will." Corey states and his hope just breaks my heart.
"Okay." I agree with a fake smile and sit in my chair so they can take me to the car and my parents walk out ahead of us, leaving Corey to push me.
I want to believe him that it doesn't matter that I'm going out in a chair but this is real life and not the dreams we have within our own minds. In real life I get stared at and looked down on as I go past people and they look between me and Corey, silently wondering if he's my boyfriend or brother because if he's my boyfriend, then he can do a hell of a lot better than being with someone who has to rely on him to push her around.
He bends down to my level now to help me put my feet on the foot rests, an action too painful for me to do without any help. I still refuse to ask for help, so I'm glad he has a habit of reading me like a book. I'm also glad I finally gave in and decided to listen to them about taking my chair because fucking hell, I'm in pain.
"I'm not going to deny that I don't notice the way people look at you because I do but who gives a flying fuck what they think." Corey presses another kiss to my lips before standing back up to push me to the car.
"I do." I say quietly to myself, glad that he is unable to hear me.
We made it to the rink and Willem and I still haven't spoken as we both kept to ourselves in the car whilst Corey and our parents spoke amongst themselves about the final.
Usually after training they stay at the rink with the team but this time they wanted to come home to have some family time before the big game as it puts them in more of a chill mood so they can focus more, which helps me to realise that I need to apologise to my brother for how I spoke to him earlier. We don't want another repeat of what happened to Corey a few weeks ago.
Corey had his hand and rubbing it in circles on my lap which tells me he's forgotten about the way I spoke to him earlier so damage control is something that's only needed for Willem tonight.
Before we get out the car, Corey squeezes my thigh three times before kissing me and then running off into the doors and I am too bothered about apologising to my brother to find any meaning behind the subtle touches.
Willem runs after Corey with their sticks and bags but I call after him, causing him to come to a halt. He doesn't turn around at first so I know he's still mad at me but he eventually gives in when he can hear me struggling to wheel myself over to him as I haven't got quite used to the chair yet.
It's not something I ever thought I'd have to do to be honest.
"I'm sorry," I tell my brother sincerely, hoping he can read all the apologies in my eyes. "It's just a sore subject for me, using this chair to me feels like I'm admitting defeat to this illness and I'm accepting the fact I'm now disabled."
"But, you are disabled now, Nadia, there's no denying that," Willem responds, looking down at me in my chair and smiles. "Plus, it kind of suits you."
"True, but that doesn't mean it's easy for me to adapt to the change," I admit, ignoring his remark about suiting the wheelchair as I'm not in the mood for banter. "When I go out in this, the first thing people see isn't me; it's my chair, and their opinion of me is based on what they see. So, I am belittled down to just this wheelchair and I am so much more than that."
You never understand what it's like being in a wheelchair, until you are the one in it. You knew people stared at the kids who had the misfortune of being in one but you never noticed how often it happened, or how many disgusted looks they would get. You don't notice how many people would barge past them in the street and it's only when you are in a wheelchair you realise how inaccessible most places are. I can barely go into any of the shops in this town as they have a step needed to get in and no ramp, it is a terrifyingly isolating experience.
I am one of the lucky ones, I have the ability to walk and get out of my chair so I will do everything I can to be the voice of people who can't speak up about it themselves one day.
"That chair isn't who you are Nadia," Willem states, holding my chin up so I can look up at him where he stands in front of me. "But it's a part of you, that doesn't mean it defines you as. a person . Being disabled is nothing to be ashamed of and it makes you the complete opposite of weak. Looking at you now, all I see is my beautiful sister who is all things good in this world.'
"Willem-" I begin to reply but he cuts me off by blocking my mouth with his hand. I'm grateful for the action because I didn't really know what to say in response as I was overcome with emotions about how much my brother loves me.
I really am unworthy of how much he loves and cares for me.
"Also, I see someone who is taking up all my time and is making me dangerously close to being late for my game." He laughs as I slap his wrist away from my mouth. He pushes my chair back in retaliation, causing me to roll away slightly and I'm shocked the action doesn't have me bursting into tears, instead, it fills me with a sense of excitement.
Maybe I can see the world a whole lot differently from sitting down here.
"Fuck you." I laugh as my chair comes to a stop.
"Love you sis," He shouts back to me, blowing a kiss in my direction before turning around again. "I'll be sure to light the lamp for you."
I laugh at my brother's enthusiasm as my parents come to stand next to me, burning away all my previous good thoughts.
"Are you ready, sweet?" My dad asks me, reminding me that I have to watch the showcase and find out who took my spot.
"Yeah, just give me a minute, I'll meet you inside," I tell ──them and worry flashes across both of their faces. "I'll be fine. I promise."
"If you're sure?" My mum says and I reply with a nod, watching as they both head inside and the roar from the fans erupts as the doors open.
I give myself a second so that I can prepare for the change of scenery from going inside so I grab a joint that's in my bag to calm the thoughts and pain down a notch. It will be loud with flashy lights everywhere and out here the only flashing I can see is from the stars in the sky. I want to ditch this whole thing and spend the night tucked into bed but I have to do this for my brother and Corey, him especially because he told me the reason he had his concussion. I want to put them first tonight as this will be a massive deal for them if they do win, and even if they don't it's a massive accomplishment for them to even have got to the final.
I have no doubt in my mind that they will win tonight, they are the only team that the trophy will be going to, and the scouts from the olympics and the EHL will be recruiting them.
The muffled cheers become louder and more clear, telling me that the match has started and I curse at myself underneath my breath because I didn't realise how long I was taking. At least with going in this late all the attention will be on the game and not me coming in my wheelchair.
I put out my smoke and release a breath and wheel myself towards the entrance, half tempted to ring my dad to come push me in but I decide to be independent. My parents' attention should be on my brother as he lives out his dreams and not on me.
I wheel in, fixating on the floor in front of me so that I can ignore all the eyes that are most definitely on me now. I wheel until I can see my parents as they said they got us a seat reserved on the floor so that I can park my wheelchair and not have to walk up any stairs.
I spot them and they give me a questioning look, silently asking me if I'm okay and I give them a reassuring smile in return and their gaze fixes back onto the game, where The Puck Flyers have the majority of the possession from the looks of things but their luck changes once I set my eyes on the game properly. The opposition, The Seahawks, managed to check our team and breakaway. Our side of the rink sounds to be in utter agony at this happening as we watch the puck fly from the opposing winger and goes straight through Cole's Knees.
"Fuck!" My dad screams, along with a lot of the other people in this section but I don't react physically as I know I'll fuck myself up too much if I do it. I also don't feel the need to react, I don't feel anxious about this game in any way as I know they have the win. I also don't want to worry Corey if he looks at me so I keep a calm, untelling expression on my face.
The game continues on into the second third and it's about neck and neck, with our team having the advantage. I cling to the hot chocolate in my hands and try to focus on the burning of my palms instead of the pain developing on the rest of my body.
Jasper received a minor injury in the first third as he was accidentally hit on his shin with a hockey stick, causing his knee to bend in a funny way, he seemed to be okay after a minute but we can really see him lagging behind in this third. He looks to be in a lot of pain and I'm honestly worried for him. Their coach seems to notice this too as he goes to talk with the lads who aren't on the starting squad. He seems to be having a one on one with Cameron, a young but very talented player.
I focus my eyes back onto the game and although this third seems to be favouring the m Seahawks because of Jasper's dodgy knee, Corey manages to gain possession of the puck again. He blocks the attacks of the opposition and shoots into the bottom left corner of the net, managing to get it in out of pure luck as the goalie went to block the other side.
I react now as I scream and clap my hands out of pure glee. No matter how many goals I have seen this man score, I will never get over the feeling that consumes me when I see it happen. Proudness for him wraps all of my senses up and creates goosebumps on my arms at the adrenaline pumping through my blood now.
I lock my gaze on Corey as he skates up towards the glass in front of me. He makes a heart with his hands and then blows me a kiss, pointing towards me whilst mouthing, "For you."
I hear screams of the girls behind me but all I can do is laugh and it's shortly followed by my parents' laughter too, as they look at my burning cheeks.
"Settle down ladies, it wasn't you he was doing that to." My mum speaks up at them, causing them to tense up whilst me and my dad giggle.
"I doubt it would be to you," The dark haired girl spits, flicking her hair behind her head. "I think you're a bit old for him."
"He was doing it to my daughter," My mum corrects the bratty girl, pointing to me sitting next to her. "She's his girlfriend."
The girls look me up and down and then they turn panicked. "I'm so sorry, we had no idea he had a girlfriend."
"Yeah, we will back off." The brunette one says and they go back to watching the game with a somber expression.
My mum turns to me whilst laughing. "It's amazing what this chair can do for you sometimes."
I laugh along with her because she is sort of right.
The buzzer rings out again and it's the last break before the last third and I hope Jasper won't come out in this one as he needs to work on his injury and he is also bringing the team down.
Everyone makes their way to get some refreshments or for a toilet break but I remain where I am, waiting for the lights to dim and the music to play.
"Are you sure you want to stay for this, sweet?" My mum asks me but I ignore her, fixing my gaze on the rink in front of me.
"Leave her, love, I think this is something she needs." My dad answers for me and I'm grateful for it.
"Well, I'm sorry but I can't sit and watch it." She huffs and my dad follows helplessly behind her to where she is also heading towards the refreshments table.
The players exit the ice for the penultimate time tonight and Corey lags behind and I notice him turn to look at me, offering me a bright smile before following the rest of his team inside the changing rooms.
Now that the teams have left, the lights dim and the spotlight focuses on a brown haired woman in the middle of the ice. She is wearing a beautiful, deep blue costume, with stars sewn into her sleeves. The sparkles on the dress reflect with the isolating spotlight as the music begins.
This skater picked Off to the races by Lana Del Ray for her soundtrack and it starts off slow with her staying in the same spot and only moving her arms until the beat drops.
She turns to face this side of the crowd and I wish I could be shocked at the face looking back at me, but I can't.
I knew deep down that she would be the one to take my spot, as she has seemed to be wanting to take my place in everything she can. First my boyfriend and secondly all my friends but for her to take this from me is a real stab in the heart.
I hate that she looks so beautiful when performing this piece that was always meant for me.
I feel a tear slip out of my eye as I watch her, not being able to hear the music anymore as all my attention is on the girl I called my best friend for all those years. She glides around the ice and every flawless jump she lands seems to mock me.
Here, she is everything I wanted to be and she was everything I am not. She is performing the piece perfectly without flaw. Each cut her blade made on the ice was an indication to me about how she cut through our friendship, choosing this life over what we had. I understand her because I would do anything for my future but I don't think I would ever have it in me to do something like this.
I could feel the smirk on her face as she dances as if no one is watching her and I can feel the onlookers' energy and how they were in awe of her and the way she moved. She was the highlight of this night, she is the one who is the most beautiful girl in the room right now and she is who will have all of her dreams come true.
Here I am trapped inside my chair, as she glides with all the freedom she has in the world. I'm unable to even look away from this thing that is causing me more pain than my illness ever has
Each spin is so smooth and it's like a silent reminder
of the ways she was better than me, and not just on the ice. I stay watching her, waiting for something bad to happen to her, sort of hoping it does, but it never comes and I am just reminded that bad things only ever seem to happen to me.
"That fucking bitch." My mum hisses as she passes me a coffee, the slight amount of caffeine will help me to get through the rest of this evening.
"You're telling me." I agree with her, still unable to look away.