Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 82: Chapter 82

NADIA'S POV:
"How are you getting along?" My mum asks me as she waltzes into my room, not bothering to knock even though she knows I'm in the middle of getting ready.
"Fine," I reply bluntly, still staring at myself in the mirror. "Just trying to decide what jewellery to wear."
"Well, let me help you." She adds, taking it upon herself to look in my jewellery cabinet.
She roams through and she continues speaking, but I block her out as my mind wanders over thoughts of Corey and myself. I think about Corey because I am so fucking happy for him and my brother as they won the thing they have been working towards for fucking forever, but I can't help but feel like I'm holding him back. He wants to be with me but I couldn't even be like Cole's girlfriend by celebrating by being on the ice with him, instead I had to wheel myself outside to find my parents as I was in no state to get out of my chair.
And, I didn't want the questioning looks aimed my way form people who don't know me.
That's the issue with having an invisible illness, one moment I will be completely unable to walk and people with think I am in this chair constantly because that's what they assume, but when they see me without it a day later they will call me a faker and an attention seeker. Weirdly, I'd rather people think of me as an attention seeker than them knowing the ins and outs of my life. I'm not ashamed to be sick because it's a part of me I cannot help, but that doesn't mean I should have to tell everyone I meet about this thing that happens to me.
Being an attention seeker would be the easier option, they don't seem to understand that.
I think of myself as I have no idea if I'm even up to tonight but I want to be there to spend time with Corey and celebrate with him like a good girlfriend would. I can pretend to be normal and not in pain for a few hours, I've managed to before.
I pick up my pair of dangly pearl earrings and attempt to put them in my ears, but my hands have decided have a sudden case of the shakes, making it impossible for me to find my earring hole. I grow frustrated at myself because why can I not do even the simplest of tasks anymore? I can't even put earrings in to dress myself up for a formal event.
"Maybe it's best if I don't go." I announce to my mum and I notice Willem's had pop round the corner of my door, dressed in a black suit.
'You're looking fancy." My mum observes, ignoring my previous comment.
"I know, I need to pick the mrs up, so hurry up." Willem talks to me, nothing how I'm barely even dressed yet.
"I'm not going." I refuse, throwing my earrings back on the table.
"Yes you are," Willem pushes me, talking in a low voice. "Plus, you need to do some damage control with Corey."
"Damage control?" Mum asks him, equally confused as I am.
"Corey saw you coming out of the locker room after Jasper, his thoughts are racing." Willem informs me and my mother gasp in an overdramatic horror, turning to me to no doubt have a go.
"Tell me you did not. Corey is a much nicer lad than that Jasper, he actually loves you..." My mum goes off on a tangent as if I would make the mistake of seeing Jasper again like that, especially behind Corey's back.
"Who the fuck do you think I am? I question them both, looking between them as their eyes widen in shock at my outburst.
"You've done it before." Willem makes a point of and my mum looks at me disapprovingly once more and I can't handle that look.
"I know, but that doesn't mean I will stoop that low again," I insisted, offended that he's even questioning me but I get it, I have done it before as he kindly reminded me. "We were just talking."
"Tell Corey that, not me," Willem brushes me off, annoyed at me and I sink back into my chair. "Hurry up."
He walks off and I focus on myself in the mirror again, hating how I look. My skin is pale and blemished and I have bags under my eyes that no amount of make-up will be able to cover up.
"Let's make you nice and pretty shall we?" My mum takes the earrings I threw on the vanity and attempts to put them in my ear. She fiddles for a short while at my ears but eventually I brush her off, not wanting her to help me. She seems to get the hint as she walks off without another word.
I feel guilty for giving her the cold shoulder but I need to be alone whilst I get ready so that I can gain at least some of my social battery back. I skip on the earrings, understanding that it will take too much effort that my body doesn't have to put them in and I need to be quick.
I decide to put some tinted moisturiser on, followed by a little bit of bronzer and blush, in an attempt to make myself look more alive. My mum curled my hair for me earlier so that my hair doesn't look as frail and damaged, which would represent how I feel on the inside perfectly. I take my red dress off the clothing hanger and step into it, whilst still sitting down and pull it up, not bothering to zip it up until I can get someone else to do it. I am a figure skater but I'm not flexible enough to do my own zip on my back.
I give myself a once over in the mirror, adding mascara and a hint of lipgloss in an attempt to liven this pathetic attempt of a make-up look up. I go in my drawer and pop a couple of ibuprofen down my neck and use the vanity to help me stand up.
To tell the truth, I despise how I currently look but I suck it up, trying to hide my face from showing any sense of insecurity because I know Corey will pick on it. Corey will find me beautiful no matter what, I keep telling myself. I just hope he can understand what was really going on in the locker rooms.
"I'm ready. Can you drop me off at Corey's?" I ask as I hobble down the stairs to my brother, who's waiting by the door impatiently.
"Yeah, let's go." Willem confirms, picking up his car keys and walking out the door.
"What's up with him?" I ask my parents as they join me in the hallway.
"I've no idea, sweet," My dad comments, looking confused. "You look lovely."
He moves towards me, giving me a kiss on the side of my head like he always used to do when I was a kid and it reduces the amount of anxiety I'm feeling over seeing Corey tonight.
"Have fun, ring me if you need dad to come and pick you up." Mum says, seemingly over her earlier strop.
"I will." I confirm, walking out of the door, refusing to go to the reception with my wheelchair as I want this night to be as normal as possible for both me and Corey.
I get in the car and Willem drives and I'm not a fan of the atmosphere inside of the car as he seems tense.
"What's the matter with you?" I ask my brother when the awkward air gets too much for me to cope with.
"Nothing, why?" He responds, sounding withdrawn, unlike the Willem I know.
"Come on, Will, I always know when something is up with you." I make a point and his shoulders tense up and I fear I have said the wrong thing.
"Apparently I can't tell the same with you considering you were able to lie to me for months," He snaps, causing me to flinch at his words. I get the situation hurt him, it's understandable but just because of that doesn't meant mean he can use it against me at any possible opportunity. "Sorry, Nads, I'm just really fucking stressed."
"Why? Talk to me." I plead, wanting to help him just like he always has helped me.
"I got an offer for the olympics but I don't know whether to take it because I don't know what Corey is doing," He states and I begin to understand more. "He spoke to me a while back saying hockey isn't for him anymore but now he seems to be pretty into it again so I can't really keep up."
"Why is what Corey doing even important?" I query, turning the music down low so we can hear each other speak better but still have peaceful background music. "This should be about you and what you want to do. When I actually thought Maddy was my friend, I wouldn't have let her hold me back from doing something I really wanted to do."
"I know that, we just always told each other we would be there next to each other when we finally made the next step," He confesses, sounding heartbroken as he's grown so distant with Corey these past few months. "And he has offers coming out of his arse."
"He does?" I ask, surprised because he hasn't told me any of this.
"Yeah from various teams, including the Belfast Giants. Anyway, stop getting distracted. I got an offer from an EIHL team but it's different to Corey's offer," Willem replies and I snap my mouth closed, feeling guilty for going off the point of this conversation, which is my brother and how he feels. "I'm just shocked a team actually wanted to pick me, I thought I would never make it but I finally have."
"I'm so proud of you." I tell him honestly, not seeing the issue here because this is a good thing.
"What team have you both had offers from?" I ask, wanting to know which team my brother will hopefully be playing for next season.
"I got offered to play for Cardiff Devils, and Corey got offered a place at Belfast Giants," He informs me and I stop myself from gasping at how far these places are from where we currently are. "I'm shocked a team even wanted me, Nads, and I would love to do it, but how am I supposed to compete against my best friend?"
"I was your sister before anything else in this world, so I want you to listen to me as your sister," I order him, wanting to put his feelings before Corey in an attempt to make my brother make the right decision for his future. "You have gone on about being in a big league team your whole life, constantly telling us 'when I make it big,' so I want you to follow those dreams I remember you having as a little boy. At least one of us should have their dreams come true, right?"
"If Corey goes for the offer, which I'm sure he will, then you aren't going to crush your own dreams just because he is on a different team, are you?" I continue by asking him and he shakes his head, confirming what I said is right. "Then you should go ahead and accept without even knowing what he's doing because this is solely your decision and what if you never get an opportunity like this ever again?"
"You're right, it's just hard because we have dreamt about this since we were little kids." He comments and I understand what he means all too well.
"Archie and I dreamt we would be on the figure skating squad together by next year and look, he's dead and I am chronically ill," I sympathise, hoping my point makes sense. "What I'm trying to say is sometimes things don't go to plan and that's okay. You can still support each other and be there for each other. And who knows, you might both get invited to join the England squad in the olympics next year."
"Maybe so." He agrees, sounding more hopeful now, which I'm glad about.
I turn the music back up to fill the silence we have fallen back into, this time it being peaceful instead of stressful.
"Now let me give you some advice in return," He begins as we pull up aside of Corey's house, where none of the lights appear to be on. "Talk to him. I know he's hurt over what he saw, even though he won't admit it to anyone."
I stare at my brother for a few seconds, unsure of how to respond to that, so I just end up nodding before getting out the car, making my way up his driveway. I take my steps carefully, in an effort not to bring too much pain as the ibuprofen is starting to wear off already. I pat down my dress to make sure it's not too creased before walking inside, as his parents have given me full permission to do so since I have been coming around here much more often. They have even said they will get me my own key cut for this place, which I appreciate.
That's if he even wants anything to do with me after what he saw.
"Corey?" I ask quietly, not wanting to disturb his family. I turn the light on so I can see better as it looks like no one is in at all. My anxiety spikes as he has't returned any of my texts since before the game. It must've really hurt him what he saw but whatever going on in his head, he has it all wrong.
My chest tightens and I feel as though I can't breathe and the life is being sucked out of me. I kick my heel off and rush up his staircase in the quickest pace I can muster. I bang on his door, calling his name but no sign of life comes from the other side.
Has he gone without me?
I rush to the window on the landing and search his driveway, unable to find his car parked there and I speed dial my brother and he picks up on the third ring.
"What's the matter? I'm just at Katie's now." My brother tells me and I feel instantly guilty for bombarding him with all my shit constantly, so I suck in a deep breath to calm myself down.
"It's fine, I have found him now. Enjoy your night, I'll see you there," I tell my brother, trying to sound more composed than I feel. "I can't wait to meet her."
I hang up the phone before he could even reply as I just want him to spend his time with Katie. She must hate it that her boyfriend has a sister who can't seem to leave him alone when she needs someone.
I go back to his room, trying the handle but it's locked, meaning he's either inside there ignoring me, or he's out. My insecurities get the better of me as my mind wonders to the possibility of him being out with another girl right now. He hasn't spoken to me since he won and I have heard that over the years he tends to dabble in a few women when he wins a major competition. The picture me and Jasper created for him when we walked out must've set him up to do whatever he likes tonight.
Tears threaten to pool out of my eyes but I just let them go, as I am too exhausted to even try to compose myself, and it seems like I'm alone here anyway. I cry because I am so fucking tired and I don't want to go to this thing tonight, but also because I have messed things up with Corey before they have even started.
We have been through so much together already, with my diagnosis and falling out with my brother that it seems stupid for us to stop speaking over this. I ring him but it goes straight to voicemail, meaning he's either hung up on me or turned his phone off, which I'm hoping it'll be the latter.
"What's going on out here?" I hear a woman's voice speak from opposite me and I jump, startled by the noice.
"Oh-I'm sorry, I thought it was just me here." I inform her, feeling guilty that she had to get out of bed as Corey told me she isn't having a great week.
He has never really gone into detail about what's up with his mum but from what he tells me, it's pretty fucking bad and his dad never used to really help her as he didn't want to see her like that. His dad has become so much better and is a lot more hands on with all of them, he has also kicked his addiction in the arse, which I am proud of him for.
He stepped up and decided to become a better, man, husband and father and it takes real strength to do that.
"What's happened, lovely?" She questions me and I finally look up at her and her soft, loving gaze cracks my walls right open. I burst into tears, with her coming to take a comforting seat next to me. "Talk to me."
"I don't know where Corey is, and I know it sounds pathetic but I just really need to speak to him," I cry, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "I think I really messed up."
"I don't think you have? He seemed fine when he popped here to get ready." She gushed, putting her arm around me to show me she is here for me.
"So he's gone to the wedding?" I question, causing her to shake my head.
"He's gone to get takeout pizza whilst I get ready," She states and that's when I finally notice she is also a lot more dressed up than usual. "He'll be coming back shortly."
"How are you feeling?" I ask her, moving the conversation away from her son as this woman doesn't look like she has a lot of people there for her if she is coming out here to make conversation with me.
"Awful, but I've got to put on a brave face for my family, which I'm sure you know all about," She smirks before turning serious again. "I must admit, me and his Father tried to stop him from seeing you at first because you were going to be a distraction for him."
"I didn't mean to distract him." I comment, interrupting her because I don't want her to start being mean because I quite frankly really like this woman.
"Clearly you weren't. He still won," She banters, moving her arm free from around me now. "That's just what we told him, but in reality I didn't want him to be with someone like me."
"Like you?" I ask her, not really understanding properly.
"Chronically ill," She tells me, which I knew but I don't know what exactly it is she has. "I didn't want him to turn into his father. Someone resentful because they have to look after the person they love so much. I try to do things myself but my body uses that against me a few days later."
"He is trying to be a better partner for you, you know that right?" I blurt out, mentally slapping myself across the face for even saying that right now.
"I know, and I appreciate and love him for that but that won't change how he feels about me," She snorts sarcastically. "But my son, he is different, he loves you and will stick by you no matter what. I've seen that in him myself."
"He does treat me so perfectly." I smile, feeling myself blush at the memories of Corey being so lovely to me.
"Make sure he never changes." She pleads to me with her eyes, silently telling me to not let Corey turn into who his father became and I nod, not really knowing what to say to that.
"What chronic illness do you have? If you don't mind me asking." I rush out, wanting to know more about this woman who means so much to my boyfriend.
"Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed a very long time ago." She tells me with a sad smile and I think back to that conversation on the roof, where Corey tells me that my condition could be fibromyalgia as someone he knows suffers from it.
"That's very similar to what I have, isn't it?"
"That's right dear," She confirms, looking slightly confused. "Did Corey never mention this?"
"No, he didn't," I also confirm and she looks slightly deflated by this admission. "Not in an he's embarrassed way, I think it's more because I would accuse him of treating me like a charity case, which I have done before by the way."
"Oh, I know that feeling." She laughs and I join in. I feel like his mum and I have just grown a bond that is so much different than any other mother and daughter in laws. I got along well with Jasper's mum and we did so much together, but this feels different with Corey's mum. I don't know whether it's because I can see more of a forever with Corey, or because me and his mum experience something that only the two of us can really begin to understand.
Or, It's just a massive mix of them both. Either way, I am grateful that she is my mother in law.
"Can I just ask you one thing?" Her eyes widen, like I'm about to ask her to cover a murder for me.
"Go on.." She agrees, cautious of what comes next.
"Does it ever get easier?"
She stays quiet for a few moments, before sighing deeply. "Do you want the truth, or the lie?"
"The truth." I confirm, this question of hers not filling me with any sense of hope at all.
"It doesn't get easier, not unless you are one of the small percentage of the ones who get lucky, which I hope you will be," She exclaims, pausing to take a breath. "It never has gotten easier for me, I've just learned to deal with it and live with it everyday. I don't let it take control of my life when I can, but somedays it still will. I live my life like it's a part of me and we are working together because that's all I can do really."
I nod my head along to what she tells me, putting my head on her shoulder like we have been this close for years. "It really fucking sucks, doesn't it?"
"Fucking tell me about it." She agrees, causing us both to laugh at our use of foul language in front of each other.