Shattered - Chapter 25: Chapter 25

Nathan has never said anything like this to me before ever since we have been together, he left me speechless and hurt. I know I have my insecurities, I just can't help it and he was the only one that understood them until this very moment. I knew he would get so sick and tired with having to deal with me, but I didn't think it would happen this soon.
Tears welled up in my eyes as the words he has just said replayed in my mind over and over again, he lets out a big breath right after, "that isn't what I mean..." he tries to fix it immediately but I knew better.
"That's exactly what you meant, I'm glad that you cleared it out of the way." I said trying not to show my emotions to him, getting up I put my leftovers away in the fridge and took the bottles of wine, bringing them upstairs so I could consume them while sitting on the balcony. With a warm blanket and pillows to surround me, I laid them out comfortably on the patio love seat that we recently added out here.
Sitting on the balcony underneath the stars with the wind blowing lightly in the atmosphere, the sound of the peacefulness of the night played as background noise which accentuated my thoughts. He really did mean all of those a words to me, we've been apart for so many years that it's difficult to get back to where we were.
Maybe we were getting ahead of ourselves thinking we could work out with a snap of our fingers, maybe I should try to have a civilized conversation and own up to my true feeling and the stress.
I should apologize for ruining the rest of the day with my silly thoughts, he seemed reasonable when he said that I should have a little more trust in him but also it should be the same with me with the type of situation that I gave him.
Maybe this was all I needed to wake up and be more wiser, more time alone, ever since we've been back together we have been glued to each other due to the fact that we both knew that this was probably only going to last so long.
I think that all my stress is gone now after relaxing a little bit in the nature, I'm going to go speak with him now. Standing up to go find him all the sudden the door was slammed and heard from where I was, quickly my eyes found the still pissed off Nathan making his way to the direction of his car.
I watched him roughly get in his car angrily and drive off speeding out of the property to god knows where, I guess it is really just me and plopping my body onto the love seat to take the same position again.
Grabbing the bottle of wine, I just started drinking straight from the bottle not really caring of what was going to happen, he basically left me all alone when I was ready to make amends. Normally, drinking was never my things, since no one was around, I guess it was fine to just do it once right. I wanted to forget everything that occurred tonight, seems like the alcohol had it's mind of it's own because it did the opposite to me. My mind would trail back to what happened and made me overthink his words too deeply.
Trying to decode his body language to see if I missed any signs of really anything. Did I escalate the problem?
Sitting there drinking the one of the bottles of wine already in a drunk state, I sat there staring at the gates of his property just waiting to see him drive through them and be assured he has arrived home safe. Time was passing by so fast that it was now one in the morning, I've been waiting for five hours, who does that? Oh yeah... I do because I want to be sure he get's home safely, later today we also have his sisters event. Where could he possibly be right now? At work? The new hotel? God he must really hate me if he was gone out late, the alcohol was now hitting my system making me feel very weird.
It seemed like my emotions were heightened a little bit more from the intake of alcohol, how did I end up alone on the damn balcony on a day that began so great? We thought and kept thinking that things could go back to normal, but it can't, there are just so many old wounds.
Tears began to fall down my face, normally if Leo was here I'd snuggle up to him, but isn't this what everyone wanted? For me to be alone..? I mean, my parents disowned me, kicked me out and I was renting a bedroom near my university. The one day off where I didn't have to watch Leo was the time when I needed his company the most to cheer me up.
Either then that, I didn't have many friends... maybe I need to go out more often and create friends my age and who became friends because of me. Not through my husband.
Nathan where are you? God, why aren't you home yet, I thought that you would come back to me. It was a stupid fight which was my fault, I couldn't just let it go... please come back so we can talk it out. We figure these things out together like usual, I'll try to understand you and your perspective on this.
No sign of him coming back yet that my hopes of him coming back to work it out suddenly died down, heading downstairs while stumbling on the stairs I put the bottle of wine on the counter away in the cabinet and the other near the trash for the maids to take out later today with the garbage. I only drank one bottle, even if I was drunk, it wasn't a smart idea to drink because I knew that it would be pushing my own limit.
Maybe I'll just watch the stars and watch the night sky for a little bit in the backyard or even create a fire in the fire pit, walking by the pool I was going to sit nearby the pool to soak my feet for a little bit then relax near the fire pit, but as I was getting to the destination I tripped over the hose managing to tangle my feet and fall into the pool while hitting my head on the edge of the diving board. How does that even happen?
My head was throbbing from the amount of alcohol I consumed and the impact of me falling into the diving board, I was panicking and the hose was wrapped around my lower part. I couldn't breath, it was difficult for me to receive the sufficient amount of air, was this going to be the last time I see Nathan? Clearly it didn't seem like he was coming home, it made it difficult for me to reach the edge of the pool to grab onto something do to the fact it was so big and by chance I fell into the deep end.
My clothes were weighing me down, panic flowed through my core, I don't think I can hold on any longer... my head hurts so much which makes it difficult for me to be aware of my surroundings. I saw black spots around everywhere. Then my mind went to thinking of our son...
Leo I'm sorry, mommy really loves you with all her heart. I hope you understand that you aren't made to be perfect and that I love you the way you are and that I will always be watching over you, even if we are in different universes, I'd never leave you alone baby.
You were the joy that kept me sane these past few years, that made me appreciative of what I have and I'm sorry I'm not a strong swimmer. Maybe it was just the alcohol making me weak and the impact on my head, why the hell is this hose made out of strong materials?
I really am pathetic... maybe just letting go would be easier, so I allowed my body to submerge into the water, not even trying to fight for a way to live because no one was around to help me. The one time I needed help was the one time no one was coming to help me, no doctor, no husband, nobody... I'm alone again, which god wants for me and that's how I'll die, with no one who cares anymore.
Soon, rather quickly my source of oxygen was running low and my body was giving up on me, everything was shutting down on me and my mentality to fight for Leo was loosing hope. I didn't even realize the blood that was in the water, was that from my head?
All the sudden the water started to fill my lungs and reach every premises of the interior causing everything to go black.
I was sure that that was the end for me...