Shattered - Chapter 37: Chapter 37

Nathan's POV.
When I pull into the driveway I sit to think about everything that has happened today, Larissa had fallen asleep while I cleaned up the mess all over her house floor. Once finished she woke up perfectly on time to see me out and thank me for the help and being there for her. She had locked the door after assuring me that she would be fine all by herself tonight, I even told her she could take a day off if she needed it, the company could survive without her for a day.
With my goodbye I drive home thinking of things to say to Alina, trying to build up my reasonable speech so she wouldn't burst. Things that Larissa said still crossed my mind, for example that Alina should be more understanding about my case with work and that she should've know what she signed up for when we got married. Was that it should be?
Their was no doubt in my mind that she would be angry waiting for me to walk straight through that door, my apology to Leo was to hangout this weekend together with a boys day out to make up for this week.
I am not supposed to be stressing Alina out after her condition, he doctor's appointment is this weekend which changed to a different time on Saturday in the early morning. We have a check up for her head then she'll be done from there.
The palms of my hand let out a small sweat as I tried to get ready to confront my wife, my suit jacket was ruined from tear stains so I took it off trying to look as fresh as I can. In the end I knew I had to talk to her, this conversation is bound to happen making it unavoidable. Stepping out of my vehicle, closing the door behind me. I walk into the house where it was only brightened by a dim light from the kitchen, when walking in, there was no back pack on the table or any signs that they were in the house.
Where are they?
Looking around the house they both weren't in the backyard or in any rooms of the house. Going to the front, the key's to Alina's car we're missing meaning they were out right now.
Alina's POV.
Me and Leo decided to have some fun tonight just the two of us, which led us to bowling and getting donuts, because why not? If we both needed to get our mind off of things, of course, there will be no limit to anything.
"Mommy!!! I got a STRIKE again!" Leo shouts to me and I can't believe it.
This is so much harder then what I expected, how is he beating me? My aim is clearly very off and some other groups beside us were laughing, it was quite amusing that he was beating me, "watch out baby, mommy's going to catch up! I'm coming," when I did my turn we were both watch the bowling ball intensely to see which pins it would knock down. What? How can this happen? I only hit the right pin, just one?
Instead of Leo cheering me on he look at me with a blank face, then burst out in laughter to the point where his face is turning red, "mommy, h-h-how did you do that?" He chokes on his laughter.
"If I knew, I wouldn't do it again. You really are making fun of me?" I joke and ask him.
"It's because your funny!" He giggles which is so adorable.
"Next turn I'm going to get a strike. Watch me," I stick my tongue out playfully at him while he makes his way to his last turn.
"No mommy, watch me, learn from the best." That little kid, I click my tongue at his competitiveness towards me.
My mouth falls open.
He has to be cheating.
What? No way! "Leo stop cheating!" I pout in a jokingly manner. "This isn't fair," I wince at the sight, this shot will be my redemption shot. Make it count.
"I'm not cheating mommy, you just suck," he giggles again. "Come on, you can beat me if you get a strike. I'm watching you." I'm sure he is.
Standing beside me to watch my last turn, I take the bowling ball after it returns back, this is my final shot. Let's show him I can do this, he won't know what hit him. Pulling my arm back ready in position to laugh it towards the nicely set up bowling pins, closing one of my eyes to get a clearer point of where I want it to hit. Bingo. Target set. On the count of three.
One.
Two.
Three.
I let the ball slip out of my fingers, but my eyes go wide when it went into the lane of the people beside us, there eyes turn to me and laugh unable to understand how it happened. Me and Leo watched keeping our eyes glued to the moving sphere.
I got a strike.
In the wrong game!
At this point Leo just falls to the ground laughing at me and the people beside us look at me laughing as well. "At least you got a strike this time," the nice old man who I assume is the grandfather tells me.
I giggle at my silly mistake, "something good came out of it," whoever's turn it was on that side got a nice strike added on their point chart. "Sorry for accidentally throwing it on your game!"
"It's alright sweetie! That was the best laughter of our night," a woman older then me said to me, she reminded of my mom, mainly by appearance.
"M-m-mommy now you have to play on our lane and get strike!" Leo try's to breath but can't help but keep laughing at me.
"Are you kidding me?" I say unable to believe that I'd have to do the exact same thing. "Why did it have to go into another lane!" Ugh, I groan in annoyance.
Grabbing the ball, I try my very best to center myself to hit the right bowling pin that will help knock down all the others. Instead my ball decides not to cooperate and heads toward the single key on the left which is not the key that was planning on getting knocked down.
Great.
I lost now, Leo is jumping around in joy while making fun of me. We made a deal, if he wins, there will be nerf guns to play with at his play date that we were planning. If I win, no nerf guns would be seen in our house right now.
Clearly it was a bad choice to make this deal, for some reason it seemed easier to play before we even attempted. Well, before I tried it.
"Mommy, you know what that means." He says proudly.
"I know, I know, nerf guns." I sigh in defeat.
"I won! Yay!" He gloats all about it.
"Okay, now let's go home, it's getting late and your bedtime is in half an hour." I tell him trying to stop him from rubbing it in my face, how does the ball even go into the other lane?
We head out to the car, I help buckle him in before we drive out, "when are we going to get the nerf guns?" Leo asks excited.
"You can ask Mr. Ben and ask him," I tell him as I concentrate on the road.
He yawns tired from our fun night out, "does daddy still love me?" My son asks me tiredly which makes me sad that he even has to ask.
"Of course he does, daddy loves you very much just like mommy." Hearing those words leave my mouth sounds very odd, these days it seems like Nathan does, but what's important to him isn't what my priorities are.
"Why doesn't he want to come pick me up? Doesn't he love me?" His voice cracks a little bit which makes me upset as well, we were both happy a few minutes ago and now we were brought back to reality.
"Daddy, well, he was busy today."
"Is there something wrong with me mommy?" The sound in his voice is very distressing, he should definitely not be thinking like this.
It made my heart ache at just the mention of it, "what? No Leo, there is nothing wrong with who you are, I don't even want to hear about you thinking about that again. Do you hear me?" My voice is stern with shock.
"Yes mommy." In my rear view mirror he wipes his tearful eyes.
"I don't ever want you to think like that, I love you so much, you are such a smart boy and mommy is so proud of you. Leo, you are perfect to me. If you ever feel like this, tell mommy, don't hold these feelings in okay?" I pour my heart out to him, he grew in my stomach for seven months, my effort were all for him and the fact that he's already feeling like this is truly saddening to me. A five year old?
Our situation hasn't been the best, with this whole complicated mess and the father figure he missed out in his early years. If only there could be something to change back time where it was my crucial time that gave me two options that would change the entire outcome of our present.
My second option could of gave Leo a chance at a real family with a stable relationship between the two parents, I'd give anything to give him that life that he deserved.
I deprived him of a perfect family life.
"Okay, I love you mommy." Leo says seconds before he dosed off in his seat.
It was now just me alone with my thoughts, the thought of leaving Nathan keeps coming to mind, but I'm not able to leave him even if I use all of my will. We could even just have a break and see how things work out, yes, Leo would be living in two separate locations.
Thinking about it from all perspectives to weigh the pros and cons, it would be good to avoid him being exposed to our fights and a little independent reflective time to think over our own priorities and how to proceed later on.
Sometimes I'm a little conceded by my wants to see how bad things get...
I have to admit, I'm a little blind, but I think it's time to once again let go of each other.
I just wanted us to fit back right into place completing one and the other rapidly to pick up where we left off which is actually much more problematic then anticipated. The fact that it wasn't thought through thoroughly made me angry that I was so careless, although Leo has been way happier then before.
Mentally, it was good for him to have a family that was together showing him continuous love in multiple ways and not having us fight. No matter where I go, Nathan will never be out of my head, he was a gift given to me that I never saw coming. I literally loose my mind when my mind is only filled with thoughts of him.
If someone asked me how much I love him, I would respond with an answer that they probably wouldn't want to hear.
So much.
Too much.
To the point that I'd take a bullet for him, love is a drug, when you fall in love, you crave for that person not wanting to be away even if you are hurt in the process.
The feelings of how good they made you feel during that time doesn't go away, memories don't disappear, the only that that disappears is that person.
Unless you both are together with a healthy relationship.
I am on a fire, every time he fuels me up more with affection, water comes to extinguish me as if it's all the decisions that has been hurting me.
Pulling into the driveway, quietly I get out of the car going to unbuckle the sleeping Leo in the back trying to think of what I want to say to him. Was I happier without him? Or when I'm with him? Why does he have to hurt us or me like this? Nobody loves him as much as I do and it's ridiculous, but it's true.
His words affect me so much, either making me the happiest person throughout the day or the saddest.
I carry Leo all the way into the house setting the key's back on the shelf after locking my car and his backpack on the small chair that was out in the front for Leo to sit on while he puts on his shoes, the light in the kitchen was still on and his shoes were here in front so he must be home already.
Speak of the devil, "where were you?" He asks with his eyebrows narrowed.
I kept my composure not trying to fuel him up, "I took Leo out to have fun," I take off my shoes walking up the stairs to bring Leo to his room. The toys were still in the car, I'll ask Mr. Ben to bring them in tomorrow.
"You guys missed dinner," he states a little hint of annoyance in his voice.
Changing Leo into his pyjamas, I am not going to stir up an argument between us in his bedroom where we could wake the kid up from his sleep. "We went out for dinner." I tell him dryly trying to hint to him that we will take this downstairs.
Thank goodness that he caught on to what my plan was, we then made our way downstairs after tucking him in and closing the door quietly.
When we got downstairs, I went to pour myself a cup of water ignoring Nathan not wanting to yell at night. "I'm sorry, Alina." The statement was loud enough and clear.
"Okay." I tell him being cold about this.
"That's all?" He asks being cautious with his question.
Ha! I actually have so much more to tell you buddy, I just don't feel like screaming at you, although he isn't getting off the hook so easily, "Nathan you promised him and broke it today."
"I know, I'm sorry, I had a very important business meeting." His reasoning seemed like a pathetic excuse.
"You're sorry? You better be! I can't believe you didn't show up today, Leo was devastated and even questioned me if you still loved him. A child shouldn't think or feel like that." I huff out trying to make him realize how big of an impact these choices have. "What the hell was so important you couldn't reschedule for?" I spit with venom trying to understand why it was so important, yes businessmen have deadlines, but he's the boss, can't he just take the work home?
"A man designing the interior of my hotel was here in town and had to leave for a project in another location, we were supposed to meet up next week but things changed." The fact that he said it so casually made me angry that he lacked sincerity.
"Nathan? Are you even getting it? You didn't show up because you thought the interior designer or whatever he was, was more important then your son?" Am I overreacting at in this case?
"What? No! Now you're twisting my words Alina, you can't assume these things! I still care about Leo, why wouldn't I? He's my son." The look in his eyes spoke to me with truth, meaning he wasn't lying to me. Yes, he is saying the truth, but he probably failed to mention that Leo is on a different level of importance.
"Well it sure sounds like this to me, again, like I've said before, you have all the time in the world with the projects to work on, you don't have another chance to experience these minor little important things with Leo!" He needed to wake up, "you made a promise to our son, but you let him down. Over what? Work? Is that more important to you then him?"
"I had to meet with Jacque, to be on time for the opening and to get everything on track. Next time, it will be different. I'll be—"
"There won't be a next time... not until you get your priorities set in line. I won't have you destroy Leo's life for your work, when we both decided to become parent I thought it meant changing ways and focusing on our kids. It seems like you aren't." When telling him what needed to be said, his face was so hard to read after some time, just fighting was breaking us apart in a way we both never intended for it to. "You need to know what is important to you Nathan, your work can't always come between us. I won't let it happen. I don't want Leo to always live in competition with your work."
"Can't you understand that this hotel is important to me? Why don't you want to understand that it's huge?" Nathan asks me insisting for an answer from me.
"I do understand, but why can't you just pick him up, it only took me half an hour then you could of gone back to work." He doesn't even need to stay at home once Leo was picked up.
"Jacque made an appointment with me at that time to meet up, how am I supposed to go when I'm busy?"
"So are you saying that your son needs to make an appointment with you just to have your time? That is the most ridiculous things I've ever heard."
"For now things will have to be like this Alina, I'm busy with my work." Will it only be like this for now?
"How long are things going to be this way? Nathan, I'm not just talking about the weekdays because soon it will start on the weekends, you'll get pulled into your work that you will forget about us!" I can't keep this in anymore, this is something hard for me to tell him, I need him the most right now yet he is working on this project.
"Didn't I just tell you that it would only be like this for now? We've come a long way Alina, just trust me on this that things will go back to normal." He approaches me trying to reach out to hold me in his arms.
I take a step back then turn my back to him with a tear falling down my cheek, I don't want him to see me cry over this, "how do I know that you're not just feeding me lies? I'm tired of this Nathan."
"Trust me, I am making a promise to you." The beautiful talent of him being able to convince anyone on anything with the tone in his voice was having a toll on me.
"I wish I could trust you..." my voice cracks, I'm just missing him, "you broke Leo's promise, one that should be way more important but you didn't live up to your promise."
Out of bravery he finally comes close enough to comfort me, with everything that has been going on the touch doesn't feel the same with his warm hands.
They are emitting heat but no feeling of love.
Slowly I slip away from his grasp keeping some distance between us, Leo is now coming first instead of my happiness.
"I'll be there tomorrow, I pro-" he gets cut off from me.
"You promise, I know, I've heard it already. Prove me wrong and then I'll believe you." I am not going to voice out loud that he has another chance just for him to come to realization and maybe take responsibility himself without a constant reminder. "You can figure out something for tomorrow, I am not sitting in with you for the meeting." I tell him looking him dead in the eye showing no opening for discussion. He nods remembering that he had to sign contracts tomorrow with the assistance of a lawyer in the room to take extra precautions on his business, I am not in the mood to be in the same room with him at the moment.
I need some time to be alive and breath where the worries of Nathan wouldn't hold me down drowning me every second of the day.
"It's okay, I'll deal with it," I can feel his eyes burning me in the back of my head, turning around his eyes looked at me with caution trying to plan out his next move. "I can get somebody to come in, no big deal."
Well it seems like things are settled, my body felt exhausted from the amount of work that had gotten done and the fun activities I participated in tonight.
"Nathan, maybe we should take a break." I tell him with my eyes glued to the ground trying to say it with no emotions.