Shattered - Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Just thinking about him drove me insane, he made my heart rate increase, gave me comfort with just his presence which was absurd, but last of all he made my worries disappear. He's supposed to be here anytime now, I was so anxious that my body automatically woke up at six o'clock just thinking about every scenario that can occur.
All of them played out in my head with the same reasoning, which was that he wanted me back and a family. I've always wanted a family, I've always been family oriented and always loved family time, but was I ready for it to be with him? Why am I even considering this first of all? Ugh.
My wounds were reopening, after years of healing they are reopened in a different way, a way that didn't hurt as much. It felt like Nathan is giving me closure about what happened.
My hands were shaky from the amount of my caffeine intake, even at night I wasn't able to sleep well. My body went into overdrive where my mind couldn't stop thinking of the many things that can happen.
A knock on the door pulled me out of my train of thoughts, soon dread filled me up completely, I don't think I was entirely ready for this even though I thought it through more times then I can even count. Leo would wake up probably in an hour or later then that, because I tired him out so much yesterday by playing with him, that kid had gotten my habit of sleeping in as well. Opening my door, Nathan was standing there looking sharp as always in his clean trousers and white dress shirt fully groomed, "hello Alina." He said. The sound of his voice that I've missed hearing made me smile against my will.
"Hello Nathan," I open my door wider to allow him to come in, we both make are way to my kitchen to sit at the counter on the barstool. None of us actually knowing where to begin the conversation and hesitating to say something without knowing if it might hurt the other.
"You have a very nice house, it's nice to see that you both live in a comfortable home." He compliments as his eyes travel along the light grey walls, the heated marble floors and marble counter. After awhile my kitchen became really modern.
"Thanks... I worked really hard to get here today."
He turns to me looking me straight in the eyes with a frown, "Alina, I am so sorry, please can we maybe... talk this out?" Well he was certainly straightforward with me.
"I don't know if I want to talk this out Nathan, it's not just us involved, I have a son to considered in this and his happiness comes before mine. Also what happened between us was really a low time in life for I assume both of us."
"I want to be in my sons life, he should be both our priorities not just yours." He tells me which makes me a little ticked off.
"Nathan. You can just waltz in here five years later and start taking over everything! I raised that amazing little boy and you barely even know him!" I snap at him angrily.
"That's not what I am saying, I want to change that, I want us to both take care of him. You've raised him for five years, at least let me become part of his life. It's not fair for him if you keep him away from me!" Nathan says back trying to counter my argument without sounding angry.
I knew he was right about this, that Leo had the right to be apart of his life. Could this really work though? I don't want my son to end up hurt in the end when his dad leaves or something. "I don't want him to end up hurt the way that I did," I let out a sigh as a tear streams down my face.
"I promise you that that won't happen," Nathan says grabbing my hands, "he is my blood, my own son. I couldn't be more happier, you know how much I've always wanted to be a dad. Don't take this away from me, and while I get to know him, we can work things out between us."
"It's not fair that you have all this power compare to me where you can take him at any moment from me and I'll never get to see him again."
"I would never do that to you." He hisses.
"You kicked me out so fast, I don't see a difference..."
"Just let me show you that I am a better man," he asks.
I let out a broken hurt laugh, "it's not that simple Nathan."
"It can be simple Alina, if we talk it out and work on it. Give us a chance. What is stopping us?" He asks me after begging me to try.
"What's stopping me is that you hurt me so bad that it my heart when you kicked me out, I was pregnant and just trying to maintain support for my child. I was alone, with no one to turn to or no place to go because all my friends were your friends too. They didn't want you to be angry at them so they avoided me! I don't think I can take it again if you... if you hurt me the same way you did. Like you said I don't have to worry about Leo because he is your blood, I'm just the side slut for you that you can toss away whenever you feel like I am not enough..." I sob explaining everything to him. My tears were already streaming down my face at this point, there was no going back after the first tear had escaped.
"No you're getting it wrong, I love you so much that it hurt me to see you walk out that door. You're not my side slut, I only said that because I knew it would hurt you. I said that out of pure anger and it was wrong... when I saw you with Luc, I didn't actually mean that... I just thought you-" he tries to explain but I cut him off.
"You thought I slept with him, when I specifically lost my virginity to you and told you that I would only ever sleep with you because you made me feel safe and made my insecurities go away." I sigh laughing a little bit with emotional pain. How could I be so stupid? He probably thought in that moment I was getting used to it so I needed more, but unfortunately he thought wrong.
"It was out of jealousy and I acted irrationally not even allowing you to explain. Ever since that day I've been carrying a weight on my shoulders knowing that you didn't have the chance to explain. This can work out now. Just let us try this again the proper way." He continues to beg and attempts to convince me.
It is so hard for me to refuse him when his voice breaks as he speaks, "I just don't know..." tears stream down my face as I look away from him.
"Give me a chance Alina, I'm willing to make up for all those past time, our trust will be stronger and we know now that communication will keep our relationship together. I regret making you leave and it pains me that we are in this situation today. Please, one chance, that's all I'm asking for." He pleads for me to give us one try, but I already know that if I do let us try that I'd fall for him hard all over again. There was no point in denying it now...
"Fine, one chance, after that there will be no more." I say sternly and he wipes my tears.
"Thank you, thank you so much, I won't let you down. I promise." Nathan says all happy pulling me in for a tight hug.
"We have to also tell Leo that you're his dad..." I say sheepishly.
"I'll let you do that when you feel comfortable, I'll give you a week if that's long enough..?" He asks.
"I think I'll just tell him today because he been asking a lot about who his father is, and I can't keep it up," Nathan frowned, but soon a soft smile appeared on his face. I know it should wait, but I know I'll feel personally better once it's out in the open. There will be no more weight on my shoulders.
"At least he's gets to know his dad today, and officially meet him." He seems actually excited about this, for the longest of time I always thought that he would only dislike me more.
"Also since I agreed to work things out and give it a chance, let's take things slow please..." I ask of him.
"Of course, anything you want love."