Shattered - Chapter 46: Chapter 46

I am sitting in front of Nathan on the picnic blanket while we eat, Leo just continued talking and joking around as if he didn't notice the tension. "Mommy I'm gonna go run around with Ollie," he gets up and starts to run taking one of the dog toys with him. Leaving me with Nathan at our picnic spot we chose.
The look in his eyes told me millions of words in the silence that we both endured. Out of those words one spoke to me clearly, he was upset. This is one serious topic that you can't just shake off, it depends on the wants of both people. Unfortunately, I don't think I can satisfy him with what he wants. The hardships that happened to me over the course of the years without him traumatized me.
The constant question of will this go away with time always runs in my mind, are things going to change around here or will this be the end?
"Nathan?" I begin, have to start somewhere am I correct?
"Can we not do this here, I want to enjoy my afternoon with my son." The lack of the mention 'family' told me that he was more then upset about this.
Our dinner wasn't the best having not talk to each other, thinking it would be best to give him some space and hopefully he will come around. He has to right?
Instead of sparing a glance at me just once, his eyes were glued to Leo as he ran around the field play with the ball and Ollie. The wind brushing our skin with the cold breeze as we watched the sun slowly set into the horizon. People in the park slowly started filing out one by one as the light that came from the sun was disappearing. "Leo, it's getting dark, come on let's go home."
"Coming mommy!" He screams while running over to me, for at least an hour of running around, still the amount of energy in him was incredible. Once he sits in the car or relaxes, he'll be out like a light bulb. "Daddy catch!" He throws the ball to Nathan.
"Nice throw little man. Now let's go to the car, Mr. Ben is waiting for all of us."
The car was the exact same thing, only this time Leo was laying on my chest asleep for the car ride. We were headed to his parents house to stay overnight, the house was being investigated and Nathan was taking care of everything. "What time are we leaving tomorrow for Aviana's celebration?"
"Around seven."
The outdoor lights were on as we were approaching the front door. Nathan knocked, we didn't wait that long until one of their maids open the door. "Mr. Peterson welcome," the woman said.
"Hello Gilda," he reply's time her.
"Your room is ready, the dinnerware your family painted is in your room already and there bedroom beside is for Leo." She informs us.
"There they are!" Elise's voice comes from down the hallway leading to the kitchen.
"Hey mom," he walks up to her and kisses her on the cheek.
"Hello, now where is my grandson?" She asks moving her attention to Leo.
"He's asleep now, we had a tiring day." I tell her.
"How are you Alina?"
"I'm alright. I think I'm going to go to sleep now," talking with them wasn't something that I wanted to do. With Nathan yes.
"Do you remember your way around the house?" It was engraved in my mind, memorized visually in my mind.
"Yes, I'll be fine." Walking towards the bedroom beside the one me and Nathan used to stay in, there was toys and decorations accommodating his age. In this short period of time they already alternated a room for us expecting us to spend some nights here.
Calmly tucking Leo into bed after giving him a shower while he protest that he was tired and changing him into pyjamas. I went into the room that was nicely set up, some paper bags were on the dresser, the plates, bowls and mugs fired already.
When changing into my own pyjama's in the bathroom, I was unaware of Nathan entering the room at all. Both of us brushing our teeth doing our own individual things, he left to settle in bed as I followed along him. While he laid on the left side of the bed, I went to the other side.
It felt odd laying in the bed while he was so distant with his back turned to me, normally he would be cuddling with me keeping me warm. Instead of that my hope to keep all the warmth in me was on the blanket on top of the both of us.
When the sounds of breathing became a little heavier it meant that he was asleep and that I could let my emotions out without him hearing or seeing. My sniffles were quiet trying not to wake him up while I laid beside him in the bed where we shared many good memories together.
"I'm sorry," I kept repeating myself, whispering harshly as my fist clenched harshly until my nails dig into my skin. Nobody understands me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! The two words that are said with meaning and seriousness, but in his ears they are heard at the same time they are pointless. It won't change anything.
Going over to the bags containing the dinnerware we painted earlier in the day, turning on the lamp to be able to see more clearly and bringing it down to the floor with me just in case it drops. Sitting on the ground cautiously taking out them out to have a look at them, they all turned out great. The mug Leo and Nathan made together looks amazing, some colourful handprints made into fish.
A large plate they made was Leo's handprints in a black outer line of a heart with a date in the corner. The writing part was most likely Nathan's part since Leo most likely doesn't know how to write 'Mommy's Little Man'. They created a bunch of dinnerware to add to the collection at home.
Putting them away just as I found them before, using the paper to cover each. Then moving on to the other bag that held my stuff. My cup was wrapped in this other bag that was smaller with my plate, they turned out beautifully and it made me smile that Nathan would start using it. Soon things will be back to normal. Placing it back into the bag and heading back over to the bed to try to get some sleep. The ceiling that my eyes watched for so long disappeared eventually bringing me into the darkness.
Waking up to the feeling of a cold bed was unfamiliar, the side opposite of me was empty and the absence of Nathan started my day in a rough start. He just needs time, the constant saying felt like it was getting old and it was happening all over again. Except, he was still here and wasn't kicked out of this place or his life— yet...
The lonely feeling that gave my heart an ache that was indescribable was becoming more prominent the more the thought of his sadness came to my mind. It didn't feel right, this was unpredictable just as if it was our previous experience and it felt daunting. The universe wanted to tear me apart once more hoping that it will finally break me into hiding forever.
I wouldn't even be surprised if Nathan took full custody of Leo and left me, that's how little I think of myself. The words of my step dad and mom eagerly played on repeat. As if they were lying next to me screaming, "leave, nobody wants you. Your pathetic, stupid and ridiculous." Right now I did truly believe that about myself for no reason, it just would leave my head and drove me insane.
Why am I doubting Nathan? It's because you won't give him what he wants and know that you'll never measure up. My subconscious tells me the obvious, "measure up to what?" I say out loud groaning in frustration. What do I do? Who do I ask?
I've never had a mother figure around to assist me in a time in need, yes, Elise is only to a certain extent. When it involves her son it isn't a discussion she should be helping me with, for all I know, she would defend him for everything. Well, it's what I think she will do.
Getting ready to head downstairs where everyone is, making sure the bed is made and the room is clean to create less work for the house staff. My eyes were swollen after last night, with the help of makeup it was all concealed within seconds. In the kitchen sitting around the dining table was Anthony, Elise, Nathan and Leo. A nice breakfast was made for them, with banana chocolate chip pancakes in a stack on the plate in the middle. There was other options for everyone too, eggs, bacon, hash browns, French toast. They really outdone themselves today.
"Good morning Alina, did you sleep well?" Elise asks while the others weren't paying attention.
"Yes I did..."
With the whole day to spend time all together made it amusing for Leo, he got to build multiple birdhouse with his Papi and helped determine places to hang them up outside. With the large selection of tree's they chose ones with the most accessible height, not too tall that they would need a ladder.
Before getting ready for the event, I was going to speak with Nathan who was in the bathroom already getting ready in advance. Taking my plate out to put it in the other bag, the small bag had the remaining mug that was specifically for Nathan. Perfect timing, he walked out of the bathroom going over to his bag to get his tie out. "Nathan?" I call out his name hoping he'll still respond.
"Yes?" As he was tying his tie around his collar he didn't look at me.
"Here you go..." I hold out the paper bag to him.
For a second he stared a my hand. "Thank you." Another cold response as he walked to his side of the table to get his watch, the short reaction hurt me a little bit and I tried to not think too harshly about it when going to get ready. The door was closed while the maid asked to vacuum the room, my makeup was done simply, my dress that was bought when went shopping fit me the same way as before.
My hair had loose curls to change my look a little bit, when coming out of the bathroom fully prepared. The big mirror reflecting how I looked showed a girl who seemed to have her life together, the image of me is one that is barely recognizable. Who am I now?
Am I still the same person as before?
The answer is no. Each day changes me some how, either making it for the better or the worse. With these new changes they do begin to teach me lessons that will come to my assistance one day when it is needed.
Seeing something from the corner of my eye was the garbage can from the corner of the room, brown paper sticking out of it looking like the brown bag that was used to wrap my mug for him in. Going over to the garbage to bend down for the bag, I reached inside to find my mug wrapped in a bunch of paper that didn't look like it was opened. H-he threw.. it out?
Nathan would do that.. would he? My legs suddenly felt a little heavier as I sat down on the ground wondering why he did this. My makeup was going to get ruined from the tears, I hugged the cup close to my chess as it reminded me of the time it took for me to paint it neatly just for him. Making sure it was perfect just for him. My mug that was my apology wasn't accepted worth nothing to him. I thought.. I thought... things would be okay, but they aren't.
Putting it in my bag to keep my hard work that took my time and was painted with love, it just hurt me more knowing that it was meaningless. Standing up to straighten my dress while brushing my hands down to remove the ruffles. Putting the brown bag in with mine to hide it from him, my concern for it was heightened, it means to much to me.
Speaking of the devil, Nathan enters the room. "I'm sorry." I blurt out.
"So I've heard." He goes through his bag looking for something.
"Nathan, why are you ignoring me?" I ask him in desperate need for an answer.
"Why do you think Alina? What am I supposed to say? I'm upset because you don't want anymore kids? That it makes me sad that I won't get another chance to raise a baby? Or that my wife doesn't have the same interest as me? I am allowed to feel upset, frustrated. Your choice is life changing, it's not something small which could be fixed within a few hours. This affects our whole entire life. We're both growing older, it will start getting harder for us to conceive and I know that. I wanted us to have more children together, having a big family and to experience it all together means so much to me. When you came back I was hoping we could continue from where we left off and now I was told that you don't want to. You want to put an end to it. So I am sorry if I haven't been talking to you."
"I didn't mean to take it all away from you, I-I just had a change in heart." That was a pathetic response.
"I know you had a change of heart, but at least give me some time to process this and accept it. You might be okay with it but I need more time. I don't want to pretend to be happy around you right now."
"I'm sorry."
Nathan's POV.
Alina starts tearing up in front of me, "stop apologizing! It's your decision now stop constantly saying sorry. I get it. You don't need to remind me repeatedly when I'm already thinking about it most of my day."
It was slowly becoming suffocating having her say the words that wouldn't change anything over and over, having another kid was something I wanted. When you miss your first child's beginning of life it makes you crave it. Being there becomes a desire that is exhilarating, as time pass by you can't help but think, when is the next one coming? When your partner crushes those hopes and dreams it hurts in a way that is more brutal.
All of this is so sudden for me, standing here in front of her like this makes me upset that she is feeling this way. The same thing is happening to me, a wave of sadness looming around me.
The doorbell rings throughout the house, "We should go, that must be Daryn."
Watching Alina walk out of this room without looking at me again reminds me so much of the past, it's perspicuous that she is perturb. Sometimes I wish that I was able to read her mind to know what she is constantly thinking of, the troubles she thinks of so I can reassure her, the explanation to what influences her choices, what I can do to make her feel better. Well, attempt to do.
Being around Alina right now just sets something off, for example, not knowing how to act around her when every second I want to let out my frustration that isn't going away. Joining the group downstairs I heard Alina giving instructions to Daryn for Leo, my parents were already at the place helping Aviana set up everything accordingly. Lending her assistance removed some of her stress that was growing if she didn't think she would be fully prepared to attend to guests on time.
"Make sure Leo is in bed before ten-thirty, and no sugar after nine. That should be it, we're going to leave now." All the directives were simple enough for her.
A thumbs up from Daryn assures us that she understood, "bye buddy, see you tomorrow." Bending down time hug and kiss Leo before leaving since we won't be able to tuck him in tonight.
"Bye baby, behave yourself." She kisses his cheek.
"I know mommy." He tells Alina, "come on Daryn! Let's go play with my rhinoceros!" Dashing down the hallway with Ollie chasing after him.
I called Ben telling him we were ready to go, he pulled up to the front porch and opened the door for us. Walking over to the other side I got in myself while Alina who was taking a little more time then me due to her heels, was getting in from the closer side where he held the door for her.
The emotional strain between us was intolerable that Ben was uncomfortable too. I saw the way he shifted in his seat readjusting every few minutes or so. The location was stunning, a huge garden just outside with a fountain complimenting the floral outdoor decor. The fairy lights wrapped around the two columns with a flower vine made it more elegant. There were multiple people exiting the car and entering the building, they had to walk through the crowd of reporters at the front that were speaking to Aviana.
"Nathan!" My sister squeals when she see's me, rushing over to me as she leaves the reporter mid-way in between the questions. "Alina!" Her hug pulls the two of us together.
"This place looks amazing!" Alina tells her admiring the scenery.
"I know right! Me and the team spent awhile adjusting things to make it perfect." Pleased with what she has accomplished, "mom and dad are already inside, go take a look around guys. I'll be in soon."
The inside was beautiful with the silver chandeliers above us, flowers found on every table of the room and most of the decorations were white and grey. "I'm going to sit down." She leaves me quickly looking for the table with her name.
of me wanted to bring her around to speak with the people who I recognize, the other wanted me to let her go and to forget a little bit. I still love her, my feelings haven't changed. The thought of never having more children just hits right in the gut, my whole life I had pictured a huge family with loving kids. Having each other as support for each other, to have everyone's backs just like my siblings had.
It's been years since we've discussed bringing lives into this world and expanding our family. I'm just frustrated, I have this emotion or multiple that I can't articulate which is driving me insane. It's a mixture of things, every time I look at her just reminds me of it.
"This is my daughter Sabine, I was hoping to introduce you to her tonight!" Mrs. Caddleton, the annoying woman that constantly craves for status and money tells me. Her daughter beside her is decent, but I'm not really attracted to her and Sabine is just always playing dumb. Too unintelligent for my liking. If you're ever looking for someone to have an intellectual conversation with, Sabine is never the way to go, the only things she's smart about is the guys she picks.
"My apologies, unfortunately I am not interested Mrs. Caddleton," trying to walk away she interferes.
"Wait, but Sab—" I cut her off tired of this, I have a wife and she is getting on my nerves. How many more people must come between me and Alina? One after one they keep piling up. What in the world is happening? First Luc, then Sarah and now this.
"My wife is waiting for me, I am asking you politely to step aside or I will call security." Not today are they going to piss me off. Mrs. Caddleton was surprised by the mention of 'wife'.
"You wouldn't go to extreme measures, it's a—"
"I would Mrs. Caddleton if you keep harassing me." Lady just leave me alone and run along! I don't know how her husband dealt with her for so long, a humble man, and she was the total opposite. No wonder why he passed away so soon, from things I've also heard is that she's talks to much. Probably talked her husband to death, poor man...
She huffs, "you're generation isn't so rude these days. Come along Sabine." Her daughter followed her.
Walking over to the direction of where Alina was she was sitting alone in the corner, her own bubble or world replacing the scenery as she twiddled her fingers. Every few seconds she would twist the ring on her finger whenever she was pensive, the crowd of people were socializing on the floor. Music playing in the background to avoid any awkwardness, with songs that ranged from pop, R&B, and many other genres that were deemed suitable for this setting.
There she was.
My lovely wife, someone who wouldn't belong to anyone else except me for as long as we are alive. Yes, things are wearing thin between us with the whole baby argument, but I know that my life has started with Alina bringing me exhilaration and will end with her still fulfilling my heart. If there ever came a time where we would part ways, we would always know that we were each other's first love's.
I thought I wasn't ever going to get married, with my friends the day before we met. What I told most of them when we hung out is that I wasn't going to get married at all. That is, until the mother of child had met me. Standing there with her innocent eyes, with the soft creases on her face when she was shocked then laughed. Wearing her baby blue button down dress, a necklace trailing down to the v-neck of the dress. It's still my favourite one out of them all.
She didn't even notice that I took a seat beside her, the startled flinch meant that her attention was somewhere else. "What.. are you doing here?" Alina asks me slowly trying not to provoke any emotions which would lead us to walking away.
"I just wanted to sit beside my wife, that I love..." Soon I'll accept her choice, for now I need to process it and it will be fine. Kissing her cheek she smiled then looked back at her fingers, it seemed like the wedding ring was mocking her about my love for her. Possibly trying to doubt her. "You know I love you right?"
"Of course... I know that." For some reason I wasn't buy that response.
Kissing her cheek again, "I really love you, do you know that?"
Looking at me, I saw how much our baby talk was hurting her, one glimpse of her eyes and I could read her easily. "I know Nathan."
"We'll get through this. I know we will." I smile at her trying to get her to smile instead of the frown she's been wearing since yesterday. Tonight is about her, Alina should enjoy it herself.
"How do you know? How can you be so sure?"
"Because we're Nathan and Alina." I smile smirk at her.
That answer was able to get out a laugh from her, "let's forget about it just tonight. Worry about it tomorrow or later."
"Do you think we can talk about it tonight..?" That certainly wasn't what I anticipated.
"I think I'd like to." I kiss her on the lips tenderly appreciating this moment. "Now, let's go have some fun before we go home." I take her hand in mine to lead her to the dance floor, all it took was the situation with Mrs. Caddleton to make me reminisce on the past with Alina, why I was grateful for her, the good memories and exactly why I wouldn't leave her now.
Without that happening it wouldn't of allowed me to put my frustration aside and to enjoy my night with her, dancing, giggling, and just being in the company of the other. In our own calm environment isolated from the problems.