Shattered - Chapter 47: Chapter 47

We have just had our three course meal which was delicious, Alina was chatting with the people who sat at our table. Just family and friends gathered together, she was speaking to Catherine, and offering advice for the questions our friend had. My mom, dad and Sam were talking about the new acquaintances they had encountered tonight. "You and that girl hit it off tonight, how was it?"
"It was nice having a conversation with her, she makes bride dresses and formal dresses for a living. Something Aviana can relate to, overall she's amazing." I look across the room to see the dark skin woman with hair braids that were pulled back into one huge ponytail, with makeup done as naturally as Alina's, where you could visibly see that she had clear skin.
"She seems interested in you man, I wish you luck." Directing my attention to Vincent, "how are things going with you? With the new adjustments to Catherine's pregnancy."
"Things are going very well, a lot of emotions happening throughout the day, and she is starting to have sugary cravings here and there." Hearing that they have to deal with this stuff makes me want to be in his position as well. Alina already and me have put that topic aside for tonight.
"How's Leo? Keeping you guys busy?" He asks back.
"Yes he is, we're trying to spend a lot of time together. A lot more family time for me then before." To be honest, it is great, I feel more in tune with myself and the others around me. Having a kid makes you reflect on yourself, thinking of your actions next and you're learning as you raise them. Not the literacy type of education, nor the math or any other subject. It's the hands on parenting course you are automatically signed up for once they enter this world.
Teaching Leo all the knowledge in my head would be amusing, he's already a smart little kid with adorable personality traits. I can already imagine the time we'll spend building tiny robots or programming. It would be bonding time for the both of us. "Our conversation topics have changed a lot," Sam chuckles.
"Wait till you become a parent and then you'll have stuff to talk about." Sam wasn't having any child yet.
"In the future, not at the moment, now will you excuse me because Ms. Talia is waiting for me..." he smiles then gets up to meet with her.
"Are you excited about the baby?" I ask Vincent curious as to how he really feels.
"Excited? Yes, of course, scared? Same thing." He tries to laugh it off. "I don't think I'll be a good dad, I'm scared that I'll suck at parenting."
"You'll be great trust me," fuck, so much baby talk is giving me baby fever. I just want to see little toes, little hands and everything that I missed out. Leo is still little, but my presence at his birth was nonexistent, the day that my child was brought into this world. A child that I love very deeply in ways you cannot explain unless you're a father. Is it normal for a guy to be so obsessed with children?
Putting my arm behind Alina she pauses from her conversation to look at me with those beautiful eyes she has, the colour coming back to what was her pale face. "Hi," she says innocently with a smile.
"Hello," my breath hitches as if we were back to the first time we met. Two young people meeting the one out of the blue. All these memories run my mind in slow motion, our long car rides with the music loud and watching her sing for me.
"What are you looking at?" He cheeks turn crimson from my long gaze on her.
"Just at the woman I am crazy for..." we lean in to kiss each other on the lips, she tasted like ecstasy, the way our tongues would moved so naturally. My hand gripping her hip bringing her body a little closer. I don't care what people think of us doing this right now, for all I care is that our worries were out the door for the night. My heart won't stop screaming inside, yet to refrain myself, I pull back.
Both of us a little breathless when we finished, everyone at the table were minding their own business. The way she smile, the way she looks had captured me deeply. I don't need more, I have the one that I live for. She is my everything, mind, body and soul. Just like I am in return, everyday together gets better and better.
We don't have the perfect relationship with arguments from time to time, but when we are in a good place it's utopia. What is the perfect relationship? No matter wheat relationship you're in, after a few months in, you notice things about the person's qualities. There will be bickering, but as long as you stand tall and put in the effort to exert through it, you'll have the best relationship. That is what I'm going to do, no more running, no more bottle up feelings hopefully...
I'm working on allowing my emotions come out which is less heavy on my shoulders these days. "Let's go dance, come on." Pulling her up to the dance floor, a bunch of couples are dancing together. All in their fancy dresses and suits. By coincidence the song 'love me tender' turns on, I smile because it was the first song we both danced to on our wedding night. The song that brings us together, it is our song.
"This is our song..." Alina reminds me.
"I know baby," I rest my hands comfortably around her waist and hips. She puts her hands around my neck, warm, soft, and gentle.
She starts tearing up in front of me with a smile, "I don't regret saying 'I do'... Even though our relationship is messy, I can never stop loving you the way I've always had." It was a very emotional moment for me too, she brought tears to my eyes which didn't go away no matter how hard I tried to let them out. "Don't let me go... please..." her emotion in her voice was raw and pure.
Let her go? What is she talking about? Resting my forehead against her's looking into her eyes that exposed her feelings with just the a glance. "I am never letting you go. You have me," using the back of my hand to trace it on her cheek then to swipe the tear away. "I love you, I love the things you are and cannot change. The truth is that I accept you for who you are, I know your deepest secrets and I don't judge you for them. Know that when I say 'I love you' it means that I care enough to fight for us. Know that when I say 'I love you' it means that you are on my mind twenty-four-seven. Know that when I say 'I love you,'" I bring her her hand on my chest. "You occupy my whole heart... Whatever happens Alina, we will always have each other in our hearts. If you marry someone else or choose another path, my heart will always hold you tight. You were the very best."
She let's out a sweet laugh wiping at her tears, "I love you baby." She kisses me with passion coursing through us, although I am normally not able to control my feelings which makes me do irrational, ridiculous and stupid things. I try my very best to get them under control, emotions don't work well for me. Constantly being cold to my employees at work makes my life easier where as in I want to be vulnerable to Alina. It's hard... but she deserves all of me and I want to give her that. She knows more then anyone which is great, but if I can love everything about her she should be allowed a chance to do the same with me.
"I love you too," we danced for a little bit just cherishing our dance. Letting us both to relax within the hold of each other, their were people staring at me, the girls were annoying. Mainly the people were shocked that I had reconciled with my pas lover, the whole city knew what had happened since I was the most richest man who lived here.
We danced some more to the next song which was 'la vie en rose' we were goofing around with each other as I twirled her. Holding her tiny frame pressed close to my body as my arms wrapped around her waist, she leaned her back into me as I snuggles my face into her neck where she had her natural floral scent that was subtle. If their was a room full of women and I was blindfolded, if someone had bet that I wouldn't be able to recognize her. I would prove them wrong, blindfold me, I would dare them. Her scent to me stuck out from the rest, the soft feel of her hands were engrained in my bodies physical touch and my mind.
No matter who would be given, I would know how my Alina would feel like, her body was memorized in my head knowing the fine details of every curve she has. Our dance had us both picturing the magical night of our wedding reception, in the lovely nature at night with elegant decorations making the atmosphere romantic. Violinist playing during the night when they were needed, us amusing ourselves in our own isolated world from the others.
Alina's POV.
This night has been unexpected compare to how it played out in my mind a few hours earlier, the scene that played itself ended with us being angry at each other. Nathan professing his love for me was not in my book... one thing that I had learned tonight is that we can't keep doing this.
Our effort has to be put into communicating with each other in order for it to not be our downfall. "Nathan, stop it." I giggle to him as he kept whispering things with his face in the crook of my neck, the stubble on his jaw tickling me with the damp air from his voice.
"You're so fucking hot, the things I want to do to you..." his deep husky voice sending shivers down my spine. Now was a good time to draw the line.
"Not the time or place, but I'm flattered." I whisper, laughing as my head found a nice comfy spot on his chest to rest gently for a little bit.
"Better for me to get it out then holding it in," his smile against my neck indicated that he was smirking out of sight.
"Whatever you say Big Boss," I rolled my eyes with no problem since my face was turned away from him.
"I'll show you who Big Boss is ton—" he doesn't get the chance to finish his statement. Instead he gets cut off from Aviana's voice that came through the speaker.
"Hello ladies and gentlemen, I hope you all are enjoying your night!" She chirps in contentedly grabbing the attention of the guests who were on the dance floor or sitting at the tables.
"She had to ruin my—" he tried to finish his sentence, but was welcomed with frustration.
"This night was to celebrate the fifth year of 'Avy's' fashion."
I chuckle while he removed himself from me to stand beside me watching her speech, his hand around my waist. "I'll guess I won't have the privilege to finish the—" I was trying to contain my laughter, "fucking shit," he muttered under his breath. "Okay, whatever you win." Talking to himself made it funnier how he wasn't even going to bother.
"I've gotten the privilege to fulfill this dream of mine which I am thankful for, every day I like to remind myself of where I am today." The speech was heartwarming, knowing that she was doing everything with passion and was grateful. Using a huge slideshow behind her as she spoke, and explaining how the Avy brand had been created. From starting off in her bedroom sketching whatever came to here mind then showing her designs to people, and working hard to achieve her dreams.
"Leo's asleep now, we'll be able to have some private time to talk later." He whispers in to my ear but when he leaves the proximity of my face, I turn to look at him. "We will get through this. Don't worry Alina," he strokes my face as I lean into his gentle touch. "It's better to start working on our mistakes then never."
"What?" Aviana says into the mic which makes us turn back to the stage where she stood.
"What the fuck?" Nathan mutters from beside me.
My blood ran cold when looking at the gigantic screen behind her. Pictures. There were pictures of me at the diner pregnant in the worn out uniform that I used everyday, some of them were of me eating the food there as well. It knocked the wind out of my lungs trying to understand why they had this on the big screen, the memories start flooding back taking me down the path of the unwanted. A small video started with playing of me in that diner, "Alina Carson the disgusting slut." Words written that were meant to hurt me which it did. I didn't even notice Nathan go on stage to help get rid of the horrid photos that were on display, everyone around me started murmuring and the gossip was starting again.
"Sorry did the technical difficulty, as I was saying, Alina had played a huge role in the..." her words started to fade from my ears as I think about what happened a little taken aback from them. Who did this?
"Alina." Nathan calls out to me which was barely even loud enough to take me out of my deep thought.
"I want to get out of here," I keep my eyes glued to the screen that had photos of me from the past.
He grabbed my hand leading me towards the exit doors as the whispers began to get louder, some of them even turning into laughs and it hurt me. Why would someone want to do this? "Don't listen to them Alina," he hurry's us out.
"I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." I rush off to the bathroom trying to grasp everything around my head. The voices of the guest taunting me every step of the way.
I look into the mirror in front of me, it's like I can see her all over again. The pregnant woman that I used to be with no one to help, everyone just saw the disgusting person that I used to be and are now able to associate a bad image with me. Most of them don't even know about our child. "Alina, are you going to come out?"
The voices faint from the shock, i just wanted to curl up in a ball on the ground not having to face the world who awaits me. Why does the universe hate me so much? Instead of doing what I wanted, my last ounce of confidence helped me get out of the bathroom to go home. Out of nowhere when we're walking outside towards the car there was a swarm of people holding cameras like they were waiting for us.
"Alina! Was it true you were pregnant?"
"Can you tell us what happened with the child?"
"Who is the father?"
Out of nowhere Nathan turns around, "excuse me, please allow me and my wife to get to the car. As for the child, it is mine and this woman is a wonderful mother who suffered from the consequences of my wrongdoing. I would appreciate it if you guys didn't harass my wife for trying to survive, those pictures don't define who she is or her status. Run along to ask others questions that are more relevant." It seemed like somebody wanted to create drama to turn all the cameras onto me, which I didn't appreciate.
The reporters were left with no other answer when we got into the car and drove us. It has been one of the best but worst nights ever. Every time something good is happening to me or us, it seems to always lead to the worst. I'm sick and tired of me being a bad luck charm, we can't just have one moment?
I clasp my hand together looking around anxiously as Nathan watches me observantly, in my own head I feel like I'm about to loose control. My heart is pounding as I feel it beat, my hands are starting to sweat and my chest tightens making it harder for me to breath. It's making me feel worse, the whole organized pictures and the people who were obviously talking about me. More specifically, what they saw. "Stop the car.. stop the car!" I manage to get out which makes our driver pull over immediately. Getting out of the car as Nathan follows along with me outside, it the cold air that is refreshing.
My breathing increases while my heart starts to beat faster if it is even possible for that to happen, I can't control anything, it feels as if I have no power over my body. Using a hand to stabilize myself against the car, I try start breathing more deeply and quicker but nothing seemed to be working.
"I c-can't breath." I start to freak out and start to tug on my dress. An overwhelming feeling takes over me.
"Alina, look at me." His voice rings in my ears, I shake my head not being able to do anything. "Baby, I want you to listen to my voice. I'm right here with you, I know you feel horrible, but things are going to be alright. Can I touch you?" He asks me calmly, I nod yes to him as his hand gently moves to my back gently stroking it, "listen to me baby, try to get your breathing under control. Focus on Leo who is at home waiting for his mommy and daddy to get home, let's slow your breathing down. Everything is okay," I try to focus on my breathing like he said that I didn't notice a water bottle being passed to him. "What's our son's name?" He asks me.
"L-Leo," I tell him.
"And how old is he?"
"He is four, almost five." Soon my body was able to regain control.
"What is is favourite topic?"
"Animals." What Nathan was doing helped me calm down and get me to inhale and exhale normally. The wet tears that came from my eyes were from all the anxiety and pressure. He wipes at my tears and kisses my forehead, "you had a panic attack babe, I want you to sit down and relax tonight okay? Here's the water bottle, let's go back into the car and take it easy. You're going to be fine."
We get back into the car to continue on our way home, if Nathan wasn't here to help me I don't know what would of been the end result of what happened. Things are falling out of order around here maybe it's time to take a step back or even mental health leave to better myself. These past few weeks have been exhausting for me, I've been considering actually getting professional help.
His soft touch on my skin makes goosebumps appear as we both thought about what had happened tonight. Who would do this to me? What were their motives? We haven't seen Sarah around, nobody looked suspicious at all tonight and with the looks of disgust from the higher people. The intentions seemed want a negative reaction from the crowd.
Nathan was on his phone, "Aviana is apologizing for what happened tonight, she wanted to create an appreciation slide."
"Tell her it's okay."
"She doesn't know how the pictures got switched and changed, they had ran the slideshow before they presented but it was fine."
"I don't want to go to work, I'm going to take some time off I think just until I'm ready and everything cools down..." he looks at me understandingly.
"If that's what you want to do baby, I'll be bringing more work home instead of going in all the time." He'll be home more often. I repeat in my head, part of me wanting to smile while the other just wanted to cuddle all day with him after tonight's disaster.
"Can we talk tomorrow about.. you know... babies?" Not being able to take anything at this current moment, the lampposts passing by us until we finally arrived back at Nathan's parents house. They were still at the table chatting when we left, most likely helping Aviana out with her celebration and it was upsetting that it had turned out like that.
"That can wait, let's just have a good night okay?" He kisses my temple with his soft lips that are comforting.
We both got out of the car walking towards the house, the only place where we are heading is to our room and hopefully sleep everything off. Removing my shoes to make the least noise with my heels that were coming into contact with the floor, my bare feet felt at ease from the discomfort of the heels.
Showering before changing into pyjamas, the warm water on my body released the tension in some of my muscles. Trying to scrub off all the memories of my pregnancy that weren't going away, it mentally taunt me for the rest of my life. No mother should ever have to experience that, "Alina, you okay?"
He asked me as I snapped out of my thoughts focusing on what I was doing, turning my head towards him he was staring at me from the mirror with a look of concern. "Oh, yeah. I'll be right out."
Turning off the water that was running for a long time, stepping out into the cold air made me feel awake. After all the time it took me to brush my teeth, hair and moisturize, he was already in bed. "What are you doing?" I asked when he was moving my mug that I had made him in his hands.
"You made this for me didn't you?" He asks curiously.
"Yes, but it's fine, you don't need it." Trying to take it out of his hand because earlier it he clearly didn't want it when it was found in the trash can.
"What are you talking about? I love it." His hand goes on my cheek, as a tear rolls down my eye from the corner. No more holding in my emotions, it's just exhausting to put effort into that.
"Then why the hell did you put it in the garbage?" I was angry, sad, frustrated. My feelings were running crazy.
"I didn't do that, when did I do that? It was in your bag when I was trying to find the phone charger."
"It's because you threw it out!" He didn't want it, "you didn't care! You didn't even bother looking at it..."
"That's because I had to go tend to Ollie and Leo, when I left it was on the ground beside my bag. I wouldn't purposely throw it out without looking in it, especially if it was from you." His calm voice reassured me, "I think your emotions are just heightened right now. Before jumping to conclusions and feeling upset, come talk to me. I'm here for you, you don't need to always be fine. I want you to feel great." Setting the cup aside on the table he looks into my eyes feeling sympathetic, did my exterior look that bad that it was noticeable of how drained I was?
"I'm sorry Nathan, for jumping to conclusions, and everything. I just thought—"
"You thought wrong Alina," he wipes my tears with his thumb, "I'm here forever. Although I might not always be the wisest, smartest, or open man. I'm going to try my hardest this time, for you," he kisses my left cheek. "And for Leo," he moves to my right cheek.
"I love you baby," his sweet words make me tear up again. Too much crying for me, it doesn't help how I'm an emotional person.
"I love you too Alina, now come to sleep, we can talk about things in the morning."
He pulled me to bed then wrapped his arms around me as I snuggled close to him, the warmth of his chest keeping me warm. Nathan stroked my back in an even pace that made my body relax enough to be able to sleep, as I was dozing off I could feel his lips and the constant slight shift of his body that made contact with my temple leaving small kisses on it. I was in the midst of falling asleep and being awake until his voice became fainter, was I imagining it?
My husband's sweet voice as he spoke, "I really don't want to lose you again Alina... I'm not going to mess things up and risk that again. Tonight was a mess, the pictures of you hit really hard and I think I understand why you don't want to have another child. If only Sarah had given me my phone—" he sighs. "We would of raised our son together from the start, it's my fault, I know I was an asshole. I don't need other people to tell me about how ridiculous I was, but I love you. I know you aren't awake to hear this... if you don't want a baby, I will learn to be fine with that. If we do have another baby, know that I am not leaving or listening to other people's bullshit. When you forgave me it was my second chance to be better... I promise and I'll try my hardest to live up to that." A sniffle came from him which made my heart beat faster knowing that I caused this. "Fuck, ew, I have tears." He wipes them away, "but my tears only come from you. Now that your here I finally am truly happy, I am learning about parenthood still but with you.. you'll be teaching and being able to experience this with you now is my gift. Thank you for giving me the biggest gift even though I didn't know for five fucking years. I still love you so much." He placed his longest kiss on my temple and pulled me closer to his body if that was possible. "I'm never going to let you go..."