Shattered - Chapter 53: Chapter 53

Nathan's POV.
It's been three days since Rick has passed away sadly which has taken a toll on all of us, especially Alina, she hasn't been leaving our bedroom. Wearing the same shirt during these days which was just my black t-shirt, hair tied up in a bun out of her face, has barely been eating, talking, smiling and she was starting to lose colour in her skin. Having the sun graciously shine all day with her unfortunately keeping the blinds close. I know she is hurt, we have all lost someone, I barely knew her dad but it still affected me.
Our routine has been a mess with me getting Leo to school, cooking dinner for us but Alina not eating with the two of us. I'm allowing her to grieve, giving her space that she wants and needs. I cannot relate to her emotionally about loss because I have never been put into a situation with it. My parents are still luckily here, she has been through so much during this past week. That's sounds wrong, let me correct myself.
These past few months.
Our son was even beginning to get worried about his mom who withdraw from the whole entire world to be found only in her dark cavern of sadness. The day after the hospital she was exhausted when we came home, went straight to bed and slept the whole time. She wasn't up for any talking so I took into my responsibility to explain to Leo the situation since his mom was in no condition to do so. He was still young, but he was able to grasp enough of the details to somewhat understand the circumstances.
Leo knew that Grandpa Rick was with the angels watching over us and that he loved us very much, he unfortunately isn't coming back either. I'm not quite sure how much he actually understands, also knowing that his mom is very sad and crying during the day or at night.
The funeral is happening in a few hours, I've been in contact with Skye who gave us the boxes that Rick talked about. Alina hasn't even came downstairs to touch them once, she's been so sad and emotionless these days. I have been researching and talking to the specialist that she was supposed to see soon, also trying to contacting other professionals which told me it was the process of grieving.
From the looks of things she hasn't even gotten ready for the funeral, something in me was scared to see how she would react to seeing her dad's body in a casket which no one ever wants to do. It was her chance to say goodbye which I very much wanted her to do to get some closure, her dad wanted her to be happy and she couldn't help but be devastated.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, buddy?" I ask him while eating some of the taco bowl I made which was healthy if you take away the sauce, it just reminds me of Alina when we eat something that was good for you. Her whole meal plans have changed, seeing her like this makes me kind of miss the small things she does.
"How long is mommy going to be sad?" He asks taking a bite of the wrap that was made out of the taco stuffing.
"I don't know buddy," he feels the different atmosphere in here too.
The most important thing that I understand is that people grieve differently and if you scream at them for hurting in a certain way, all it does is damage the wound further that is trying to slowly heal.
"I don't like seeing mommy sad," he tells me and makes a sad face.
We were letting him skip school today to attend the funeral, he was pretty bummed out since he wasn't allowed to see Kyle, Johnathan and Amelia.
"I don't like seeing your mom sad either, but we have to understand that she is very sad. We have to be here for mommy, can you do that?" We both really didn't know how to comfort Alina during this difficult time and wanted the best thing for her.
"Yup," he nods his head and puts the last bite in his mouth. This whole week I am focusing on her, passing most of my stuff onto Larissa to take care of for awhile until something calls for me to do.
"I'm going to call your aunt Catherine and uncle Vincent to come over, can you just open the door to let Ollie out to pee?" Asking him, he's been wanting to do more when it comes to Ollie. Allowing him to do this simple task makes him happy that he is contributing, watching him walk over to the back door he opens it to let him out.
Taking out my phone dialling Catherine's number while waiting at the door for Ollie to do what's necessary, "hey Nathan," she picks up from the other side of the line.
"Hey Catherine." I respond back.
"How is she?" Immediately knowing who she was referring to and that was my wife.
"Still the same, I was wondering if you and Vincent want to come over? Maybe you can help her get ready or talk to her, I think that if she talks to someone else she is close with she'll talk or something." Anything would be better then mute Alina who only looked sad all the time.
"Sure we can, we'll be over and I'll get her ready."
"Daddy, do I call him in now?" Leo asks me after enough time has passed for Ollie to do his business.
I nod to him then pay attention once again to my conversation with Catherine, "thank you. See you soon?"
"Yep, bye!" The call ends.
"Ollie!" My son yells out to the field until he see's the little ou who grew a bit run towards the door which was open for him. Dashing into the house waving his tail back and forth, "come on, let's go see mommy," my son suggests.
I decide to go along with him and grab a bowl that I prepped for her in case she takes it to eat. We walk upstairs with Ollie following being so loud with his paw steps. Instead of going to my room first, Leo went into his room which confused me for a second until he grabbed his rhinoceros and entered the room Alina has isolated herself in.
It was dark from our grey blinds being closed to not allow an ounce of light to come in, blankets draped over her body as she laid in bed motionless and stared blankly at us. Probably unaware that we have entered the room, she has been in her own world ever since we came home. Leo approached her hugging his rhinoceros, "hi mommy." He says calmly.
It takes her to focus on the moving tiny figure approaching her, when she realizes that it was Leo she tried to muster the best smile she could, but I saw right through it.
A smile which tried to hide the emotional pain deep down in the center of her heart.
"Hey.. buddy." She tries this time to respond with an even voice that ends up shaking slightly and sounds tired.
When I chose to move closer to her there were dark circles under her eyes that weren't there the first day or two until now, dry tear stained cheeks that I wished I could make go away.
The little was incredible with his mother as if he was experienced for this situation, helping Ollie onto the bed and climbing up himself. It was so surreal to see our son cuddle his mom, the way Ollie instinctively laid down beside her to comfort Alina as if he knew that she was upset.
I moved over to the other side placing the food on the night table then climbing in so we could all surround her when she was in the middle of the bed, coming from behind her and draping an arm to pull her close. Leo sat up criss crossing his legs, "grandpa is crying for you. Why are you sad? He's still here." He stares off to the corner of the room.
"How do you know?" Asking in bewilderment, why is he saying this. What is happening to our child?
"He's over there," he points to the wooden chair in the corner of the room which I made for Alina in the past for fun when we were still doing construction for this house, it has our names carved into it. What Leo was telling me was scaring me, never in my life would I think that my child would be able to see things we couldn't. Children are capable of seeing things us adult can't with their vision, this was not something I wanted to hear because it was a little spooky. In the future he probably would even remember this, is he trying to scare us?
"What?" Alina moves out of my grasp and propping herself up on her forearms. "Leo don't joke with mommy," she tells him seriously as her eyes tear up again.
"Look over there mommy," he points again.
"Leo, I don't see your grandfather anywhere."
"He's right there mommy! Look, he's putting his hands in a heart, like this." He puts his hands in a heart to demonstrate to us. Leo is able to see this? Holy fuck this is the weirdest and scariest shit ever, at the same time it's a little cool.
"Leo, your grandfather is gone. He's gone." Her tears slip down her face as she gets up to open the blind letting the bright light come in her previously dark cavern. "I don't see him baby," she drops to her knees and it might be too much for her. I get up to go to her, but Leo keeps talking to thin air. I am getting the chills just experiencing this. For the longest time that they have been here, Leo has never done anything scary like this. Having a kid is really creepy when things like this happens.
"I made her cry," he continues staring at the chair, "okay." He finished then goes to Alina. "Mommy, grandpa says he loves you a lot. He wants to see you carry on." Reciting the words that came from thin air, "he has to leave now, but he said he'll come to visit."
"Leo what are you saying? This can't be real," her body was shaking and this was just supposed to be a normal check in.
"Grandpa said to tell you this," he seemed a little confused. "Find the happiness." He shrugs and I feel Alina go rigid underneath me. This is all too crazy to wrap my head around, Leo can see the dead?
"G-grandpa said that to you?" She asks.
He shakes his head harshly, "to you mommy."
Alina smiles and looks to the window where there was a red bird on the balcony railing. Her body relaxed a little more she let Leo sit in her lap to cuddle her as I sat behind her. Not knowing how she'll act any moment, "do you want to hear something my daddy told me when I was a little girl?"
He shakes his head in approval, "tell me mommy."
"Well..." she begins and I listen in because it piqued my interest. "When my daddy's grandma passed away, nana Seline, he said that when you love someone a lot and they pass away. If they come to visit you, normally a red bird comes, like that one over there." She points to the balcony at the red bird doing whatever around. The story she was telling us was soothing to listen to with her angelic voice that was stable compared to earlier. "That red bird is called a northern cardinal or a cardinal, whichever you want to call it. That means the person you love is passing on a message that they are watching over you, thinking of you, or visiting you. He said if I see one, I should always smile. They are the spiritual messenger that pass along messages for the departed loved ones." It was so intriguing to hear this, no one has ever told me this story which makes it actually so interesting. "When I was a little girl, I used to see them all the time when my Nana passed away." She runs her fingers through Leo's hair.
This very odd day was like a dream but played out very weirdly, for the first time she was crying tears of joy. How did we do a whole one-eighty here?
A knock on the door breaks our little moment, "come in," I tell the other person.
"Sir, you have visitors." Must be Catherine and Vincent.
"Send them up, we'll be coming."
Not too long after we see Vincent and Catherine entered the room while Alina chose to shower to be put together for today at her dad's funeral. I was still tiptoeing around her just in case she would fall back into sadness again, it seemed like she would go on and off feeling like this which is understandable.
"Where's Alina?" Catherine asks when she enters our bedroom with a box full of donuts.
"In the shower, how's the baby?" I look at her stomach that had a slight bump to it.
"Seventeen weeks and growing strong, showing a little bit so far." She tells me then looks at Leo, "do you want a donut?" He nods excitedly for sugar, looking my way before getting a yes from me.
She bends to sit on the floor with him while me and Vincent tells me all about the pregnancy hormones that have been occurring ver often. "She insisted on having donuts on the way," he tells me.
"You got to do what you got to do," I shrug which makes him chuckle.
"How's Alina holding up now? Her dad's death was.. pretty abrupt." It was still a sensitive topic to speak about with all the pain from the past few days.
"Today, I think she is feeling better. Childhood past reoccurred today, red bird and now she's somewhat stable." I tell him not going into specifics about red cardinals.
"That's good, we were thinking of going out to eat after the funeral. Catherine has gained back her appetite this week." My good friend tells me their plans for later, asking if we want to join.
"I'll see with Alina, she hasn't been eating much or been in the mood to do anything." Barely even seeing me or Leo throughout the day unless one of us came into the room into her view.
"She's grieving. It's understandable, we just have to be here for her to help her bounce back." What he was saying were things I already knew.
"I'm just a little— no really worried about her, I could tell that she is different physically and hasn't been speaking." I confess to him something that I haven't been able to tell anyone, Leo didn't seem like the right person to speak about this stuff. He's just a kid, probably doesn't understand what's going on and he just creeped us out not too long ago.
"Isn't she going to see a specialist like you told me the other day?" He was the only person I've spoken about most of my troubles with, lately we haven't caught up with each other since our lives have gotten so busy.
"She is, she just hasn't left the house at all or gone outside. Alina's been withdrawing from everything..." it was heartbreaking to see how such a well put together woman was breaking down piece by piece.
"Talking to someone who knows a lot about these types of circumstances will be good for her."
"I hope so."
Alina's POV.
In the shower letting the hot water run down my skin until my flesh started turning slightly red from the heat, with our very odd conversation with Leo still made me upset. The moment the red bird came into my sight it warmed my heart, making me smile for the first time in three day which have been my darkest.
What didn't occur to me is that seeing that red cardinal which made me happy was only temporary, thinking that a new leaf was turning for me but I have succumb to the same pain that has engulfed me that night in the hospital. My body doesn't feel like my own, with pains in my chest from time to time just thinking about him. I'm trying to adjust, yet I already miss him.
My tears were still coming out which amazed me how much water was in me, thinking that the stream of tears would eventually come to an end. My exhaustion has been weighing on me for awhile and every attempt to fall asleep a picture of him would appear, then it led to crying. He was the one that died, but why do I feel like I'm dying?
No one can prepare you for grief because it is different for everyone, for me, it's just.. pain. It feels like somebody is crushing my chest without anything you can do to remove the weight. I lose my appetite everytime someone mentions or offers me some food, I feel bad for isolating myself from Leo and Nathan. They are two amazing boys who want to be here for me, but I keep feeling like I have to be the strong one for them, someone has to be the anchor.
Unfortunately this time, it's not me.
Talking to my family feels so hard for me to do, at first I was shocked that my father even past away. The first day was the day we stayed home altogether doing our own things, for awhile I just sat out on the balcony with a blanket trying to make it feel like he left. When we were informed it hurt so much that I thought I wouldn't make it, what scared me being at home was the emptiness in me feeling like the world didn't take him from me. It felt like he was only one call away from me, a plane ride away, a car ride away and the more it tried to process, it didn't.
My mind knew that he was gone, a weird feeling in me just didn't want to accept it and it made me go crazy. The feeling of talking to Leo and Nathan emotionless or with no emotional connect to them scared me. The crying was so bizarre and random when my emotions felt shut out, I told Leo that he was gone, but part of me still didn't believe it. I was only lying to myself.
Why can't I feel anything!
This feeling is so irritating to me! Out of all times, why does this emptiness have to happen now, laying in my bed made to think hard about this.
Did I not love my dad enough to feel sorrow in this moment?
Pushing to the point where I really do need professional help, Nathan had came into the room the other night telling me that I had an appointment and I didn't refuse to go.
Running my hands through my hair and gripping the hair on sides of my head tightly into fists, it made me physically frustrated and as tears slipped down my cheeks being washed away from the shower water, it was all infuriating where screaming seemed to help with my anger. The scream was loud echoing through the bathroom which alarmed the people on the other side of the door, "Alina, is everything good in there?" There were murmurs of the others talking behind the door with him.
I don't respond as my face scrunches in anger, I was losing control of myself. Never has that ever happened to me in my life and I am struggling to stay calm. "Alina! Talk to me, what's going on?" Nathan yells worriedly on the other side of the door and his voice was what brought me back from this unexpected rage and fury. All of the sudden the bathroom door opened closing immediately behind the person who came in, "what's happened—"
I look up to him from the ground where I was kneeling down and wrapped my arm around me with lips trembling for no reason. "I didn't mean to alarm you guys."
"Are you okay?" He starts removing his clothes until he was left only in his boxers, then he stepped in the water. "Jesus that's hot." Nathan mutters when the water touches his skin burning it, slowly moving into the water to join me. "Why are you sitting in here by yourself?" His voice in a faint whisper which soothed me into a more tranquil state.
"I was angry." Was all that came from me hoping it was valid to feel that certain emotion.
"You.. were angry? At what baby?" He moves behind me to wrap his arm around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder and the crook of my neck just listening to my words.
"I don't know.. well, I do, but... I just don't know." I sigh frustratingly to the point of tears of anger. My face was trembling not knowing what sentiment to portray.
"Hey, hey, hey, don't beat yourself up. It's okay to be confused, just relax a little bit." We sat underneath the water for a little while making me brave to tell him what was frustrating me immensely. "I don't feel sad when I should, my mind knows h-he's gone.. but it still feels like he is here. And I have no idea what I'm angry at specifically. Everything is making me so god damn angry that I can't control it, why am I not sad when I should be?
Leaning my head down to look at the water moving down the drain as the wet strands of hair moves to cover my face. "Baby, look at me." At first refusing me until her insisted, "Alina, look at me." Using his hand to gently guide my face so he would look me in the eyes, "you have every right to be feeing the way you are. Losing someone is a pain that no one knows how to deal with, whenever you feel sad, angry, annoyed, all the emotions that are negative. I want you to accept them, let yourself feel them. You don't need to always be perfect, no one is perfect." Feeling his strong arms hugging me tighter as he settles his head on my shoulder, not complaining about the heat of the water, "I'm here for you if you want to talk, share what you want when you want."
The response was so reassuring that it made me feel better about the way I was feeling in this sad time, turning off the water that has been running for awhile stopped making steam. Having barely any energy in me to operate normally, Nathan might of notice which made him treat me as a child, getting me a towel to dry off leading me to the counter, going out to get our clothes after making sure that Vincent, Catherine and Leo already went downstairs.
Bringing back the black dress that was planned to be wore by me today, taking the form fitting black
dress that went to my knees, with three quarter length sleeves. He got dressed in black suit pants and a black button up shirt, also helping me get changed when my panties set was on. "I'm still going to see... uhm, the specialist right?"
"You still want to?" He asks ask I blow dry and brush my hair.
"I'm trying to push myself to do this."
"I think that it would be good and will help you with this loss..." it was his opinion that played a role in my decision process the majority of the time.
"I'm going to try my best."
"That's all I'm asking for," he kisses my forehead, "Vincent and Catherine were wondering if you wanted to go for food after the funeral. What do you want to do? Choose what you want, I want to only do what you're comfortable with."
"We could go out just for a little bit," the funeral was planned by Nathan but he had constantly asked me what I wanted. The death of my father made me so unmotivated compared to before.
"I'll call Catherine to come up to keep you company, get ready and meet us downstairs." He leaves me while I continue to think.
My mind was running wild.