Shattered - Chapter 55: Chapter 55

I started this story with a bang and now it's going to end with a bang. I'm not spoiling anything, sorry, a few of you been asking me questions of what's coming. Please don't take it to heart that I am not telling you. Just want you to enjoy the ride!
Love you guys!
It's been three weeks since the burial of my father, speaking with specialists we have now established that I am now in the stage of acceptance over his death. They have been keeping in touch with me just to make sure that everything is alright, when you pay a lot of money you hope to get the best treatment.
That's what I have been receiving, it's noon which means that lunch is coming then dinner. It's just counting days for however long this lack of my dad's presence will last. Nathan has been going into work for business conferences and meetings for his upcoming projects in Dubai and here. Most of his schedule is filled with preparations while working closely to Larissa, my paranoia has been driving me insane and I don't want to be the jealous type that prevents their husband from doing anything.
Late nights at the office spending his time working with her, coming home to sleep with me and not having any conversation about my dad was scaring me. Why isn't he speaking about anything that happened?
The blazer in his car would still haunt me every night and pictures of him being with her made me feel upset, being able to imagine them together so easily was the most horrifying part. If you think of all the traits they have in common it would make sense, they work in the same environment, they understand the work stress, she is beautiful, she is sweet and kind. Larissa made some food and brought some over after my dad's burial. She seems like the perfect choice for him now. It's also saddening when you realize and noticed that you haven't had any sexual intimacy with your partner. It's been what? A month now?
Remembering how me and Nathan had gotten to where we are, the one thing that I mustn't do is assume all these things about him. Predictions are getting more difficult to shut out from my mind with my constant overthinking of him and it's like walking on glass that is bound to into an uncontrollable mess. Sitting in bed in shorts and a tank top just feeling partially empty inside, my emotions have been fluctuating a few times, overall it had to do with all the grieving.
My therapist has recommended me to try to take up a hobby to help express how I feel, drawing has made its way into my routine although my art products aren't the best. My first session with her was just me sitting in the room not saying anything just staring at my hands away from her, when seeing a professional, being vulnerable to someone was the hardest obstacle to overcome. Seeing her more throughout the week from Nathan's insistance helped break the ice, I started to let my walls crumble for her to hear me out.
Being able to relieve myself of the heavy weight that was compressing me every second of the day was relaxing, there were tears that were shed and she was there to assist me every step of the way.
With conversations that began mainly about my father soon turned into discussions about work, kids, my life and one of the most important people in my life, Nathan.
By the time we had gotten to the eighth session she was caught up with our whole life story, telling me to discuss my paranoia with him which was harder then you would expect.
Trying to let something out is definitely easier said then done.
Grabbing my sketch pad and pencils to quickly sketch my thoughts, the end result was two rapidly sketched people. A woman most likely representing me in my situation looking at the man who has his back facing her. If someone asked me to explain what's going on, that's what's happening, a perfect canvas to illustrate it. The perplexity in my shoes, wanting to speak up yet only being faced with a barrier.
Tidying up my items and placing them back in my drawer out of sight, going downstairs to find something to nourish myself I forgotten that Ollie was her until he came to my side rubbing himself against me. The little fur ball was growing so fast that he was no longer the tiny little pup that he was when we had first gotten him.
Grabbing the chicken that was leftovers from yesterday to add to the salad that Nathan had left for me, I was trying my best to stay healthy and to get back on track. Eating alone in the house with Ollie staying beside me, our house was very dark lately with everyone being cautious of their movements.
Today will be different. After finishing the food that I wished I enjoyed when eating it, taking my time to bring my dish to the sink to wash it instead of leaving it for the maids. My retreating self has been very thankful for them while my mental state was far from stable, and it was time for me to clean up.
Deciding to take the rest of my hours before picking up Leo to rearranging all of the kitchen first, organizing the pans, pots, utensils, cooking equipment and seasonings. Putting the utensils neatly in the drawers making it more convenient with the pots and pans in the cabinets in designated locations to make it our life easier.
Cleaning the whole kitchen took a lot of work, but it did pay off, the shiny clean counters and organized area spoke for it. Moving over to Nathan's office to sit in it for the first time in awhile, what I didn't expect to see was the box of my father's possessions. It hadn't even occurred to me to look for it after the funeral, being so caught up in the emptiness.
What scares me about looking deeply inside and rummaging through the boxes will be the items that I would find, I wasn't too sure if the trip down memory lane would be a good idea for how I am right now. Isn't it ridiculous that his own daughter, the closest to him can't even go through his possessions if not she'll break down at the mere site of something that will stimulate a past memory?
Being alone in this large house with only Ollie here to witness me breakdown seemed like a good private moment to take the time and finally do this. Taking a seat on the ground beside my father's box, Feeling nervous already before even touching anything in the box. Approaching the bin closer reaching the proximity of it, a hesitant feeling was about to stop me, but it was time for me to come face-to-face with the thing I feared most.
The sadness of remembering.
After working so hard over the past weeks to be able to talk about him without breaking down with my first achievement that was for filled with people around me, this has to be my battle, believing that this will give me some closure for the future. I look into the box to find some of my childhood toys, picture frames of me and my dad that I have never seen, two sealed envelopes and a photo album.
Taking the toys out one by one checking out their quality since they are pretty old, they all still looked good as new. The album and the photos in the frames will most likely be on display, we had taken the pictures when we went to the beach and build a sandcastle together, we flew a kite together, got to go on a boat.
Some memories that were forgotten were now remembered as I decided to flip through the pages of the photo album he has left for me. Most of these pictures are ones that I don't recall taking, it was when he was out of rehab after fighting for so long. He looked happy— with me.
Letting out a sigh closing the delicate album softly while accepting the sadness, feeling my emotions.
Instead of crying profusely it felt different.
No longer did I take the blame or think of the what if's. My father wouldn't want that for me, sometimes it would scare me that he would be forgotten but in reality since he meant so much to me and love me. The memories with the feeling of love will stick forever, he will be remembered by the ones who loved him.
Opening up the letters choosing a random one to read first, one taking out the thin sheet of paper I held it in front of me to read. It was a letter for me.
Dear Alina,
you are probably reading this due to the circumstances of me passing... This letter was written long ago when my first doctor appointment of the year wasn't the best. With the doctor telling me that my health wasn't in the best condition and it scared me at first, but then again there comes a time where one of must go. You were my little ray of sunshine in the most darkest times where we fled the toxic atmosphere, always working hard to make me proud which you have accomplished even before school.
I want to apologize for leaving you, although I have accepted possibilities of what could happen. Again, let me remind you, I don't want to see you sulking or crying over me. We have been blessed with good memories of each other, let those memories keep the light in. The other envelope has my will which states that my money will be going to Leo for when he grows older, some of it will be going to Skye for her to enjoy going to see places we had planned for. The house is to be sold since no body will inhabit it and it was pretty plain and simple to do this. It was easy.
Also, please stay away from your family. I know you have a tendency to get sucked right back in without any intentions. Just keep your distance to be safe.
Sincerely, your father.
Taking the other letter to look inside making sure it was his will, I got confirmation when peeking at the words at the top of the page. Something that I will have to speak about with my lawyer.
The alarm on my phone goes off telling me that it is time to go pick up Leo. Deciding not to drive today I decided to call our driver to pull the car around, grabbing my things to rush off I left Ollie sleeping in his bed.
Getting to the school like usual was actually quite nice watching the kids playing all happy, bringing a real genuine smile to my face after frowning for so long. "Alina!" I look to my side to see Luc wave to me with his arm around a beautiful woman's waist. Her long blond hair in loose curls that swayed back and fourth from the slight brush of wind.
I smile kindly, "hey Luc," not as enthusiastic as he was.
"How you feeling these days?"
"Better then before," I tell him, even though he has wronged me in a very disgusting way. How he is now is completely different and turning to him to speak about losing my father was kind of helpful. Luc knew what it was like to lose someone so close to you because he has been through it.
"Amelia is excited to spend some time with Leo for his birthday," Savannah, Luc's wife tells me.
"He's been talking about it a lot, with Kyle and Johnathan coming over as well. They will have a blast." Me and Nathan changed up the plans to have a smaller gathering while I still deal with the death of my dad. I hated coming in the way of Leo's happiness, but it really was hard for me to have a huge celebration with so many guests.
"They are the four musketeers if you asked me." Luc shrugs his shoulders smiling at the children enclosed in the school yard.
The bell rings which sends the swarm of kids running to grab ahold of their bags in order to leave. Our kids weren't the ones running towards us, they were the group of friends that couldn't get enough of each other. I wish that when I was that age there would of been friends like that for me, people who I could trust.
They were still talking to each other until they saw their parents waiting for them. A huge smile on Leo's face made me feel happy that he was happy to see me, when my life is falling apart he would be my light and thing keeping me grounded. "Mommy!"
He runs into my open arms and jumps wrapping his tiny arms around my neck to hug me, "hi baby! How was your day?"
"It was good! My teacher gave me a sticker, look!" Leo points to his arm where there was a dark blue star sticker.
"That's amazing! You were good?" I ask him.
"Mhm," he nods then runs over to the car where Mr. Ben was. "Come on mom! Let's go show Ollie," he waves me over excitedly.
"I'm coming," looking back over to Savannah and Luc who makes eye contact with me. Waving them goodbye as they do it back.
Rushing over to an overjoyed Leo who was already in the car waiting for me to get in to leave. "Daddy's coming home later?"
"Yes he is," he looked a little devastated ever since Nathan has been needed at work for long hours with a full schedule barely being able to see us.
"Can we go see him?" My little man tries to ask me in hopes that my response would be the one he was looking for.
"Maybe not today, next time we could surprise him at work. I'll have to ask your aunt Catherine for his schedule to see when he doesn't have a meeting before we could go hang with him. I'm going to find out when, is that okay with you?" With Nathan being busy I think he could really use the time off to destress himself, he was working really hard and I could tell that he is getting tired of this routine.
"We'll get to see daddy at work! Yay! I want to make cookies for him, and we can make cookies for everyone!" I don't think Leo realizes that we aren't prepared to make that many batches of cookies for the whole company, making enough for all of them would take at least a few days of baking.
"We can make some cookies that we can bring in, but there won't be enough. Just make some for auntie Catherine and your dad."
"Can we use the animal cookie cutters?"
"Yes we can."
Entering through the front door of the house taking our shoes off our feet before walking around, Leo follows me to the kitchen where we see Ollie drinking his water. Once our puppy catches sight of him he was already running over to Leo with a wagging tail, "look Ollie! My sticker!" He tells the little dog.
"Leo if you need me, mommy is going to put some boxes away in my room." After unpacking his school bag I make my way to Nathan's office to bring my dad's boxes upstairs to our bedroom.
They weren't as heavy as they were perceived to be, filled with many items that were light. Walking all the way to my bedroom with two boxes made me realize that I was so unfit compared to three weeks ago, my faltering breaths were a result of that.
Putting the boxes down in the corner of the room to go back and sit on the bed staring at the picture of me and Nathan that faced our bed. It made me smile, our wedding night was something I'll never forget. From previous events, I know not to assume the worst but I can't help it.
In our society it is not uncommon to see adultery after awhile in marriage which was the most scariest part. I really didn't want to question our marriage and sometimes being alone makes your brain work in overdrive. Thinking of the worst result instead of the optimistic side.
Every love story comes to an end.. is this mine and Nathan's end?
Hey... you coming home early tonight? -Alina
An immediate reply from him rang through my phone.
I'll be coming home for dinner, I'm going to pass things on to Larissa to spend time with you and our little man. -Nathan
Again.
That name that drives me over the edge.
Larissa.
You know what? Right now she is not my priority, it's most likely just work associated stuff. Ugh! I groan out loud annoyed with my running thought that don't seem to be stopping anytime soon.
I just want Nathan back, I want our lives to go back to normal where he wouldn't avoid me like the plague. Yes, we spend time together, but there is the invisible tension. The lack of touch was making me deprived from him, sad and the loneliness accommodated my already uneasy feeling.
My finger was started to get irritated when I spared a quick glance at it, trying my best to stop twisting my ring but my mind was controlling me to keep doing it.
Turning my head to the side where somebody knocked, "Mrs. Peterson!" One of the maids called, "you have a visitor, she said her name is Reina?" Great, I thought I got rid of her.
"Uhm.. send her up please."
I get up going over to the window to look outside at the unknown car which was in the front, most likely belonging to my sister. What the hell was she doing here? She made my anger boiling over the limit by just her presence in my home, the door to my bedroom opened meaning that it was her that came in. Keeping my back facing her to maintain a calm state yet my words did the complete opposite.
"Why the fuck are you here? I told you to leave me alone and get out of our lives, you keep coming back like a fucking parasite that won't let get. I'm sick and tired of your bitchy and rude attitude towards me and my family. I wish you would just leave and never come back, all you ever did was make my life worse!" I seethed with anger being done with all this crap that she is making me deal with.
Something hit the floor that wasn't too loud which made me turn around to see the most heart wrenching sight. Leo with tears in his eyes with his rhinoceros on the ground.
My mood changing rapidly to a loving one towards him, "Leo, mommy didn't mean that. I wasn't talking to you.. mommy loves you a—" his quivering lips made me stop. What have I done?
He runs out to heading to the direction of his room, if he ever felt upset he would just lay in bed and cry. Better then what most parents had to go through with their own children.
I felt sad.
Guilty.
It wasn't supposed to be him at the door, "smooth move Alina. I thought you were the best mom to that little boy," Reina comes into sight.
"Why are you here now?" I snap.
"Just wanted to say goodbye before I leave back home, I have to say, you are one incredible mother. A mother who is destroying her child mentally and causing him pain, wonder if he'll still love you the same way before your little rude rant happened." She says throwing in my face the fact that I hurt someone who I love the most in the world.
"It was by accident." Not knowing why I had to justify my action.
"Oh," she laughs wickedly, "I heard alright, best speech ever especially coming from someone like you."
"This is none of your business!" Screaming at her only made her satisfied.
"Can't you see that every single thing that makes you happy, you tend to destroy it? I mean," she huffs our, "look at your son. Perfect example of that, look at Nathan, oh wait you can't because he's not here and probably fucking another woman."
"He wouldn't do that to me, you don't know Nathan like I do." Telling her fuelled her but it was my need to have my explanation out that was going to cause more pain.
"We all know someone like Nathan, the hot, sexy, cute billionaire. All the money in the world and by chance, what do you think? Chose you? You can't possibly think that he would be with a fucking idiot for the rest of his life, you're just as broken as I am and you are so blind that you actually think he loves you. He's going to leave you, men like him always leave the one who loves them the most behind. You'll never be enough, look at mom and dad, perfect example!"
"You can't say that Reina! You have no idea, never lived with him or anything. He is different," my voice was calming down because of my self-doubt.
"That's what they all say, 'he's different', in the end we all end up heartbroken."
"I think you should leave, you've already said your goodbye."
"You're trying time destroy me too? Just like you did with your son? It's inevitable Alina, karma's going to bite you in the ass." Her heels click as she walks away leaving me alone in my room feeling a sense of relief with a lot of pain.
I hurt Leo.
The one person who shouldn't ever feel this way, going to his room where the door was closed shut. I knocked on it in hopes he would speak to me, "Leo? Can mommy come in baby?"
No response. Deciding to enter myself it was him crying on the bed with his back towards me, the sniffles and sobs gave it away which made me tear up a little from the guilt.
I move over to his side of the bed to crouch down to his level, "mommy didn't mean what she said, I didn't mean any of it and I'm not even mad at you." A few more second and still no response as he stared at me, "I'm s-so sorry baby, I didn't mean to hurt you the way I did." I stroke his cheek gently which he grabs and removes it, I did a lot of damage today.
"I hate you mommy!" He screams which makes me fall back, as he turns to avoid me.
"I-I'm sorry—" no words came to mind that would make him feel better.
"Go away!" He yells at me again.
I hurt the most innocent child.
Leaving his room to go downstairs at the same moment that Nathan walks into the house after coming home from work. Our son hated me. My heart was clenching in pain from the sounds of it.
"What's going on Alina?" Nathan asks me as he takes in my appearance of sadness.
"Leo hates me." Was the only three words I said without elaborating.
"What did you do?" He furrows his brows at me.