Shut Up & Listen - Chapter 41: Chapter 41

July 16
9:42p
Cole
"Yo, earth to Cole!" I looked up from the paper I was writing on to see Cobe standing in front of me. He sat down on the couch beside me, mad close. "I ain't seen you write in a while. What you writing?" Cobe asked, Kofi walked in to the living room after him and sat on the other couch and turned on the tv.
"Nothin', just jotting down some shit."
"Lemme see" he persisted, attempting to take the paper out of my hand.
"It's private, nigga. Damn." I folded the paper up and stuffed in the pocket of my cargo shorts. Cobe rolled his eyes and put his attention onto the tv, but he was still extra close to me. Kofi, probably noticing my irritation asked, "How you feeling?".
"Fine."
"Ok."
"What you up to while you here?"
"Really just chillin'. Ma said if I stay home I gotta work, so I came here instead. She just want me out the house honestly. She got a new man."
"Nephew, stop telling that woman business."
"Shiii we ain't wanna know that anyway, Oz. He coulda kept that to his self."
"I'm just saying, cuzzo. But Anyway, what time you leaving for work?"
"I don't work there no more."
"What happened? You quit?"
"Nah, I got fired. Missed to many days."
"Boy, you just went back to work last month. How you miss that many days?" Oz came around the corner from the kitchen, butting into our conversation. Of course Cobe just had to say some slick shit to get Oz on my case. Instead of minding his business he said, "You know how he is. Priorities all fuc- messed up." Catching himself from cussing in front of Oz.
"Oh, the pop star got ya mind all wonky?"
"She's RnB not pop." I defended her, because I knew what was gonna come up next. Any time any body says Jemaika's name something like, "She not gone be anything messing with that stuff." follows and I hate that shit.
"That's all rumors. You don't even know her." I mumbled sulking back into the cushions of the couch because anytime drugs are the topic, my name is gonna be next.
"But I know you. Always gotta be like whoever you closest too. Ain't that always got you in trouble before? You just ain't ever gone learn are you?"
"Whatchu talking about?"
"You don't want to do this right now in front of everybody, Cole." Shady ass. I don't know why he don't just out right say what he wanna say. I know exactly what he talking about, but I bet he won't admit it out loud.
"I don't even know what you talking about, Oz."
"Okay." He said, with a half smile, watching me. I sat back, arms folded, eyes glued to the tv to avoid Oz's gaze until he left the room.
Everybody in this house acts like they're just too damn perfect. Too fucking happy. Too fucking chill. So fucking fake. I ran out of the shit Jemaika gave me but I remembered that Oz had a surgery last year. That nigga be on his holistic healing shit so I know he ain't take them pain meds which mean he prolly got a few full pills left somewhere in this house. I went to the bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet only to find dusty old toothbrushes and useless shit like bandaids and peroxide and multivitamins.
I went to the hallway linen closet and looked in all the containers and drawers. These niggas really fucking suck, bro. I shook my head and went to lay down in Cobe's old room. I laid on the bed thinking where Oz would've put his pills at then it hit me. I had to wait until everybody was occupied to sneak into Oz room to look for
"What is you doing in here, Cole?" I jumped and turned around. Oh, it's just Cobe. If I just relax, he won't say nothing right? Just play it cool, you good.
"Nothing, man. Whatchu doing in here bruh?"
"Oz told me to get sumn. What's behind ya back? You stealing?" He started reaching for it so I moved away, inching towards the door.
"The fuck I gotta steal fo?." My defenses was high because this nigga knows exactly what I'm in here for. He be knowing everything, I hate that shit.
"Show me then." He was calm, but serious. He was still trying to grab it from me, but I kept moving away from him. I heard Oz complaining, "All I asked for was my damn charger. If I knew you was gone take that long I woulda got it myself." from the other room.
"Cole." He warned, clearly getting more irritated by the second. He moved closer to me until he was had me cornered up against the wall.
"Just get the damn charger and go." I snapped trying to push him way but he just moved my hand and kept moving closer.
"The fuck. This ain't yo room, nigga." He sneered.
"It ain't yours either, Cobe." He looked me up and down before he reaching behind me to grab the charger out of the wall. He backed away, slowly.
"Aight then, don't say nun when Oz start looking for whatever you stealing."
"So, what? You a snitch now?"
"What I'm snitching on if you ain't stealing, bitch."
"Nigga, you gone stop saying slick ass shit to me. I know too much about you, bruh."
He looked down shaking his head.
"Fuck outta here, Cole. You messy as hell. You need to take yo ass back to yo own damn crib. You got plenty of shit to get you high til you die over there."
Cobe turned and was almost to the door until I said, "Aight, then. I will. And don't come around asking fo no dick, bitch."
He turned around and looked me dead in my eye pointing at me saying, "Nah, bruh. That's what you do now, BITCH." He yelled the last word and it caught me off guard because he'd been kinda calm this whole time.
"Stop all that damn cussin' in my house! And bring me my damn charger, Kwabena!" Oz yelled, cutting the convo short.
"I'm comin'!" He yelled in response to Oz. He turned back around and was almost out of the room but stopped to tell me, "Meet me outside right quick. We need to talk."
"About what?"
"Just meet me outside." He demanded.
After that, he left, slamming the door behind him. I could hear Oz complaining about Kwabena slamming doors in his house. I shook my head at him, but I was stuck. I leaned up against the dresser for a second just think.
I feel dumb. It's not like I be wanting to have to do stupid shit like this. If it was last year when I was just taking pain meds... I could've stopped anytime I wanted. But now... .
Fuck it, I'll just take a few to hold me and put the bottle back. Then I'll go home and get my own shit later. Yeah. Yeah, aight.
I put the pills back where I found them and snuck out of Oz room going straight into the bathroom. I put my hand up to my mouth but I stopped when I caught my reflection in the mirror. This shit look dumb as hell.
"Well at least I ain't a crack head." I told myself before swallowing the pills and dipping my head under the faucet of the sink for some water to make the meds kick in faster.
I walked past the kitchen and out the side door looking for Cobe. He was sitting in the front in a lawn chair. I sat in a chair beside him waiting for him to talk.
"Well... what's so important, nigga? You wanna lecture me again or sumn?" I asked, making note of his bothered expression and eyes that couldn't focus on one thing.
"How come the only time we not fighting is when we fucking?" I rolled my eyes at his question.
"Who's fault is that, Kwabena?"
"See... I"
"What y'all doing out here?" Kofi yelled from the driveway, standing by the side door.
"Nun, just talking." Cobe yelled back to him.
"Oh." He went and sat on the front porch, so we had to talk low so his nosey ass couldn't eavesdrop.
"Like... you stay acting like you didn't start this shit." I said. Cobe lit his blunt and I watched his lips part and and close around his joint. His eyes caught me and I looked away.
"It aint like you stopped me." He said once he was done.
"It ain't like you asked me, my nigga. You knew I was out of it, bruh." I rebutted in defense of my actions, or lack there of.
"You said you was fine."
"I was fucked up."
Kofi came standing between us holding his hand out to Cobe for a his joint. He looked at both of us after taking it then walked back to the front porch and sat on the stairs.
"So Whatchu you tryna say? You think I took advantage of you? That's not what happened." Cobe spoke low, not to let Kofi hear our convo.
"I ain't say that."
"It was mutual. You kissed me back."
"Man, whatever. If that's all you wanted to talk about, I gott-"
"And you kept kissing me, nigga. And every time I did something, you never rejected it."
"You-"
"Aye, light this shit again, cuz. It just ain't burning' right." I scrunched my face at his lame excuse to come back over here. "Nigga, gone man. Can't you see we tryna talk, Kofi?" He just looked at me and walked away.
"And you sucked my dick. I didn't even ask. So how you gone say I took advantage of you?" He whispered through gritted teeth once Kofi was out of earshot. But I heard his footsteps letting me know he was coming right back. I chewed my thumbnail watching Cobe try to stay cool.
"Aye, I gotta go somewhere tonight, can I borrow your truck? My car been acting up so I don't wanna take it too far out."
"Yeah, Kof." He responded looking away from both Kofi and I.
"Thanks, cuz." He stood there looking up at the sky then back at us because I was starring at him. "Oh, My bad." He chuckled walking away. I looked back at him, not turning around until he was back into the house.
"You not listening." I picked up where we left off.
"So, I should've never kissed you? That's how you feeling? You wish it never happened?" Before now, he wasn't looking my way so I didn't even notice how red he was turning. It's been a while since I could see what he was feeling on his face, in his expression, in his tone. I could've stopped there, I probably should have, but I just... I wanted him to feel that shit. I wanted him to feel how I felt when he was talking out the side of his neck that day. Shit, I'm just being honest, it is what it is.
"I know you do. Since everything is always my fault, right? Just like this? What's going on with us is my fault too?"
"Why you always gotta turn shit on you?"
"This time, it's all you bruh. You clearly just said everything is my fault. And you said that shit before."
"I told you I didn't mean all that shit I said. I was mad."
"That's bullshit. You keep acting like I'm what's wrong with ya life yet you won't let me be. And that's some fucking bullshit, Cobe."
"Yeah, alright" he dismissed.
"Yeah it is right, nigga. The fuck."
"This isn't even what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Then what, nigga?"
"I just wanted to check up on you. You seem like you might be getting out of hand with this drug Shìt so I-"
"You used to be the only one who didn't think I was a fuck up. Now look at chu. You just like everybody else. Well, I'm good, bruh. I don't need no help."
"I just see you changing and it ain't good. I swear I don't think you a fuck up. You just not in a good place right now."
"Don't you think I know that shit? I'm not as dumb as you niggas think I am and I don't need you to fake care."
"I'm not gone just sit here and watch you jump off the deep end, bruh." He rubbed his chin and looked away. "I know I ain't been around, but before I left, you was good. You wasn't taking no pills, you barely even smoked weed anymore. And you was happy. You was in a good place."
"Then what happened?" He turned back to me, an expression in his eyes I'd only seen a few times before, hurt.
"Don't put it all on me, Cole. I know I don't mean that much to you." He spoke quick and sure, yet I could tell he was hoping I'd tell him he was wrong. I've noticed a few things.
"Everything..." I mumbled.
"What?" I slightly shook my head no, not wanting to repeat what I said. "You took pills from Oz room didn't you?" He asked me.
"Man... what I really want, I can't even get right now. That shit Oz got is lightweight, nigga." I started playing with my hair.
"I can't believe she really got you doing that hard shit, Cole. Fucking cocaine and shit? Or is this really my fault forreal?" Cobe asked, looking at his phone to seem less bothered by my words.
"Is what your fault?"
"Drugs... you getting high off your ass on that real shit."
"The world don't revolve around you, nigga... But know, when it was just you and me a lot, it helped. I ain't even need all this artificial shit. I guess I getting was high off something else." He sat quietly, hopefully thinking about what I just said. He better be, because I'm never saying that shit out loud again.
I watched his brows furrow and his eyes close for a second before he turned his head to make eye contact with me.
"Why you ain't just tell me how you felt. I really thought that..."
"You thought what? That I was just out here sucking on niggas dicks? I ain't gay, so that was your first clue, Cobe."
"I'm just saying if I knew that you was thinking about me like that I-
"That's the thing. I wasn't thinking like that. It was just a natural thing... it just kinda happened and I didn't even realize until..."
"Until I left you." It was quiet between us for at least thirty seconds. I could tell this conversation was making him feel some type of way, so I tried to change the subject.
"I didn't take the pills. I put them back."
"Why?"
"Because, I don't know."
"You do know."
"Fine, then. I realized that everybody been on my ass about shit they've never even seen me do. So, I been thinking like... you're the only person who's ever seen me do it."
"So."
"Sooo. I don't wanna give you Shìt else to snitch on me for."
"I'm a snitch?"
"How else anybody know that I was going thru some shit? You was the only one there, Cobe."
"Cole."
"See. You and me supposed to not do that shit. I would never do that to you."
"I didn't know what to do... you was going cra-"
"Crazy? I'm the crazy one? Shii, you the one calling ME crazy??" He rolled his eyes and pulled out another blunt from his pocket. He huffed and sparked it. He looked at me but didn't say anything.
"I'm confused now, Kwabena. You saying you did snitch on me and you saying you told them niggas I was crazy when you be having fucking panic attacks and flashbacks and Shìt, my nigga? You keep fucking secrets from everybody, every fucking body and you decided to tell mine? My only muthafuckin' secret, dawg? Are you serious?" He continued looking at me without saying anything. He didn't deny shit nor did he defend his mental health. A truck pulled up in front of the house, taking his gaze away from me.
"Thats my ride." Cobe said and collected his shit. I looked in the window trying to see who it was but it's hella dark out here. When he unlocked the door for Cobe, the light came on and I stopped him after seeing who was in the car.
"You can't be that stupid, nigga." I said to Cobe knowing he had to have enough sense not to go back to a nigga who would threaten him with a gun.
"It's not even like that. We just chillin, Cole."
"You ain't just chillin, with him. You fuckin him."
"Get the fuck on Cole. Mind ya damn business." He mumbled.
"You got that ghetto ass nigga pullin' up to Oz house. You know he be watching his cameras."
"Wow you really tryna act like you ain't doing shit you shouldn't be doing right now?"
"Seeee fuuck you."
"Fuck you too."
"Dumb ass." I mumbled, watching him cross the street. He started to the truck but turned around and walked back until he was standing in front of me.
"Hold up. You never answered my question... do you wish I never kissed you? Everything would be the same as before?"
"Nah. Cuz then I never would've seen you." He looked me up and down then down at the grass like he was thinking about something. He tucked his bottom lip in and nodded to me before turning around. I stayed outside and watched as he walked to the truck. Mo and I locked eyes while I watched and he nodded at me. I shook my head at him and got up from the chair and walked back into the house.
"Cuzzo, I'm bout to head out. You riding?" Kofi said as soon as I came into the living room.
"Yeah, Kof. Lemme grab my shit."
"Cobe left?" He asked while locking the side door. We walked over to Cobe's truck and I got in the passenger seat.
"Mhm."
"Damn, I wanted him to come too."
"Why?"
"I got a friend I wanted him to meet."
"How the fuck you know so many people out here?"
"Nigga, I got peeps all over the world. I could go to China and be taken care of. The world is too big to be stuck on one continent. I'm for sure not about to limit myself to one city."
"So you global now. Aight, kid."
"Damn, the k word?" He gripped his chest with faux hurt in his voice. I ignored his antics with a slight chuckle.
"Where we going? You buying me sumn to eat?"
"Hell nah. You the celebrity. You should be buying me food, homie." I laughed and agreed.
"This ain't no weird hippie rave shit is it?" I asked once I considered the nature of Kofi and his friends.
"Nah, it's a kickback. Well it's a lil bigger than a kick back but it's still gone be chill, I swear."
"I can't do no wild shit no more. Tryna clean up my act na'mean?"
"Nigga what? Okay, bruh." I turned in my seat to face him, giving him a 'what that mean' expression.
"I'm Just saying. This is just how you are, dawg. You always been wild as hell." He laughed, but that shit was lowkey hurting me.
"You too Kofi?"
"Aye. It ain't shit wrong with that bro. You a good ass person in my book. Stop listening to all these niggas telling you otherwise."
"You tryna make me cry huh?"
"Wow, I really hope you ain't high right now."
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Who told y-"
"You know how Oz is."
"I fucking swear dawg. I'm bout to fucking move to a new country. Niggas stay in my damn business."
"That's just family, Cole."
"It don't feel like it. Not no mo. Everybody just stay on my ass."
"I feel you. But you know Oz, bruh. He been thru it so he just tryna help you out."
"I'm good on that, forreal." I mumbled to myself. He turned on the radio and we didn't say much else until we got to his friend's house.