Silent Lies - Chapter 42: Chapter 42

I sit at my desk in my room, writing so much in my journal-the one that Admira had gotten me-that my hand hurts. I write down every single thought; good, bad, random, whatever. It's definitely what has helped me most, writing everything down in a journal.
I keep thinking about therapy, whether it could be good for me or not. Mom's mentioned it to me a couple times, giving me many options of things to do. I'm just not sure about it.
Me and mom have talked more and more about everything-how she left, dad, all of that, I mean. I'm not sure I can just forgive mom considering she left us, but she is proving that she's still a great mom. Even with the facts that she had another family for five years and never mentioned me or Hadley or dad.
Or maybe I can forgive, just not forget, as the saying goes.
Mom's the only family I actually have-now apart from the amazing friend group I have, including my boyfriend, Admira, then Divine's family, then Mason and Noah's family. I do have so many people in my life now actually, it's crazy. I couldn't be anymore thankful than I am now.
To think just some months ago all I had was Divine, but I had to push her away at times with how scared I was.
Dad is going to prison and I feel at peace for once in my fucking life. At least I hope he's going to prison, my worries ruining this peace I have. There's too much evidence to keep him out of prison, and everyone keeps telling me he is going to go, but I'm just scared.
The trial is supposed to be this week, on Thursday I'll be missing school for it. I've been trying to prepare myself for it, knowing the I'm one who has to go up and talk and all of that shit. I've met with our lawyer going against dad a couple times with mom now, who's prepared me for what type of things I could be asked. Divine and Adrian might have to go up as witnesses as they've seen me hurt the most, but they're hoping there's no reason for it to go that far.
I don't know how I'll do it though. Dad is going to be in that courtroom, watching me finally be able to expose him after all these years. Talking in the same proximity is going to terrify me, even as I keep practicing some of the things I'll have to say by myself to prepare. It'll be a miracle if I don't have a panic attack up there.
I'm honestly kind of stressed now. I don't mention that to anyone at all, though. I'm going back to school tomorrow and I'm terrified, for some reason. It's just school but considering I've been out for a few weeks now, it's a lot to handle. If I even slightly mention being stressed with the trial and then school, mom will keep me home even longer. I have to go back eventually and keeping me out even longer will just make my stress even worse.
I could go back to school after winter break in January, as mom has told me that, but we also have exams and I also have to retake my SAT before winter break, so I have to go back. The SAT and exams are also adding even more stress to me, that I also don't mention. I glare at all the papers shoved to the end of my desk used to study for exams and SAT's, also everything I've been catching up with in school.
Ugh.
I push my chair back, groaning as my stomach continues hurting as it has been since I woke up this morning. I don't know what's wrong and I hope I'm not getting sick as my back also aches along with my head. I have to go back to school tomorrow, I can't deal with this.
"Hey, baby." I jump when someone's-Adrian's-arms wrap around me after spinning around my chair. I wrap my arms around his neck, only just now hearing more voices downstairs after being focused on my journal only.
"Hi." I pull him down into a kiss, feeling him smile into it. I stand, really pulling him into a hug.
"How're you this fine morning?" I grin as I pull away, leaning up to kiss him once more.
"I'm good, just don't feel too good physically." Hopefully I'm not sick because my dumbass just kissed him, twice.
"What's wrong?" He frowns, his hands resting on my waist.
"My stomach hurts, my back feels like someone's punched it a billion times, and my head hurts." He pulls me into a hug again, kissing my head. "How're you this morning, though?"
"I'm great. But let's find something for you, there should be ibuprofen or whatever somewhere?" I nod, knowing I should've taken something way earlier.
I follow Adrian to my bathroom, taking the bottle of ibuprofen I kept after dad, after getting out of the hospital again, out of the medicine cabinet, and taking a couple of the pills. Before we leave my room I put my shoes and socks on, only grabbing my phone then putting my journal away. We're going over to Divine and Admira's house.
"Come here." Adrian feels my forehead, worrying if I'm actually getting sick. It is that time of the year, and the weather changes every other day so it could be possible. "You're not warm, at least." I nod, not feeling like going back to find a thermometer. I'll know when I'm actually sick.
"Let's go," Danny drags the words out, Noah right behind him. These two are getting closer and closer.
"Ashton's already at Divine's house, Danny could be too but he came for Noah." I grin at Adrian's words, wondering about them. I'm not at all sure if Noah likes girls or boys, or both, but they're becoming way closer than what friends do. Even best friends.
"Love you guys." Mom hugs me and Noah, both of us saying the love you back, as she says goodbye to Adrian and Danny.
During the short car ride over to Divine and Admira's house, I tune out the guy's conversations and watch the road, unable to focus on them with my stomach cramping more and worrying about school tomorrow then the trial.
"You okay?" Adrian asks before we walk into the house. I nod, hoping the ibuprofen will kick in soon.
I'm grateful I'm using ibuprofen solely for normal reasons, no longer because my dad would abuse me.
"Hi, Liv!" Divine's hugging me the second I walk through the door, Ashton right behind her to hug me.
"Hey, Olivia," Admira says next, walking over to pull me into another hug.
We all greet each other, taking our time as we put away shoes and coats. I follow Admira back into the kitchen for a drink as she's making lunch-homemade pizza.
"Are you ready to go back to school tomorrow?" Hiding the truth from Admira is way more difficult than it is to hide it from mom. Admira knows me too well, mom on the other hand, well... she left. She hadn't seen me for years so she has to learn my lies and truths again. In a way, that's nice.
"I don't know," I admit, drinking down a strawberry kiwi capri sun quickly as I would when I was a kid. "I'm scared and stressed... But I've got to go back eventually, I can't keep staying home no matter what school and mom says."
"That is true, but you also don't need to go back until you're ready. Don't push yourself, love." She pushes her braids back, walking over to me. "You are more important than some grades. You've got to put yourself first."
"I know. But now that dad is actually gone, now that he can't ever get me back or hurt me, I feel like I actually have a chance in life. I only have a little bit of school left so I need to go. I'm not risking anything." She smiles, leaning down to kiss my head.
"You always had a chance in life, Olivia. You are such a strong and smart girl, the strongest I've ever met." I'm thankful as everyone else is in the living room, giving me and Admira plenty of privacy as we get into this conversation. "I've never been more proud of you than I have been these past few months. It doesn't matter if you miss another few days or weeks of school. Everything will work out for you, in its own ways, no matter what you do."
"The trial is stressing me also," I admit to her, knowing Admira is the one person I can tell anything to apart from Adrian and Divine. "I don't know how I'm going to do it... Dad is going to be in that courtroom, in the same proximity as me. I might be expected to talk in front of a judge, the lawyers, a dang jury. I don't know if I can do it... I've only just started talking more to Mason and Cassie. That's too much for me, I think. Maybe I'll make more progress by Thursday, but still."
"Olivia, I know this does not help much at all, but it will be okay. Your... dad won't be able to do a single thing to you. He'll be charged with even more if he tries. And as far as you talking goes, do not stress it. If you're not ready then, you can always write your statements down." I hadn't even thought about that, now feeling like an idiot. Writing was what I always did, it is dumb how I didn't think about that. The judge would have to understand, I hope.
"I didn't even think about that, writing them down." I roll my eyes at myself, closing the space between me and Admira to hug her. For the few moments I'm in Admira's arms, all of the stress and worries go away. "Thank you."
"Why're you thanking me, love?" She pulls away from me, pushing back my hair.
"You've done so much for me. You've given me a place to stay, so much reassurance, so much more I'll never be able to fully thank you for." She shakes her head, shutting me up.
"Do not thank me for that. I will always be here for you, Olivia. Until the day I die. You're practically my second daughter." And she is practically my second mom.
"Are you feeling better?" Adrian asks when I sit down next to him on the couch, wrapping an arm around my waist.
"Nope." I rest my head on his shoulder, seeing the frown taking over his lips.
"Plans for after school tomorrow?" Ashton asks, changing the subject between me and Adrian.
"I say going skating again sounds fun?" Adrian says, making me groan at the memories of how bad I am at skating.
"Again?" Noah asks, as he wasn't here when we went skating some months ago.
"We all went skating before you moved here. Olivia is terrible at skating." I flip Danny off, happy as Admira calls us for lunch, still hungry even as my stomach cramps for unknown reasons.
"She wasn't that bad," Adrian defends me. Everyone gives him a look like 'Yeah, right.' I glare at all of them. "There's always worse..." I glare at Adrian now as he sounds unsure, everyone laughing.
I get up from the couch a little later after I'm done eating, where we're all watching whatever on Tv. I head to the bathroom, pulling my hair up to have one less thing to deal with as I still feel like shit, then actually use the bathroom.
Only to find out one thing I really do not feel like dealing with right now.
My fucking period.
Motherfucker. Why now? Of all times?
I remember getting my first period at 14, not knowing what to do without mom or Hadley. Dad was no help, obviously. Divine was there at least, helping me as she'd gotten hers already. But since then, I've only gotten a few periods. Not because I'm pregnant, thank god, but because of how life had been I'm sure.
I rarely got to eat, my body was always injured in some way, I stayed in a constant state of fear and anxiety, all thanks to dad. I'm sure that's all affected my development in many ways.
At least I know why I feel like shit now, I guess.
I bundle up toilet paper, not having anything due to not being used to having a period, resisting the urge to cry. I don't even know why I want to cry. It should be crying of happiness, as I know my body really is doing good, but I also don't feel like dealing with this.
I check the bathroom, seeing if Divine or Admira have pads or tampons around but there's none. Divine might have some in the bathroom connected to her room, but I'm not just going to go snoop more than I already did.
I wash my hands before walking out of the bathroom, seeing Divine sitting on Ashton's lap happily. Admira must be back in the kitchen.
"Divine," I call her name to get her attention. She looks up, asking me what. I just nod my head to her room, thankful as she gets my hint, getting up and following me to her room. "Do you have any pads, or tampons?"
"Of course I do." She smiles, happy to hear the news with my body doing great. She goes to her bathroom and comes back out with both options for me. I thank her over and over. I'll just need to go to the store before I go home later.
"What's going on?" Adrian asks me when I sit back down cautiously after using the bathroom again, terrified of bleeding through anything.
"Nothing." I kiss his cheek, making him flush, going back to watching whatever sitcom is on Tv.
"Mom, can I take the car tomorrow?" Divine asks Admira as we're all figuring out plans tomorrow. With me going back to school tomorrow now, there would be 6 people in Adrian's car. That won't work everyday in a 5 seater car. Divine's already said she'll get Ashton, of course, then Danny. Adrian has it easy when he can pick me and Noah up together.
I've got to work myself up to getting a job, then my permit at least, and soon a car. I wish I was still a kid.
"What else are you getting?" Adrian asks, following behind me as I walk towards hygienic isles, a bag of cool ranch Doritos in my arms along with twizzlers.
"Where's Noah?" I ask, searching for which pads or tampons to buy. I don't know what to buy, which brands or anything. Noah's probably stuffing his own arms with snacks also.
"I think he's looking at the stuffed animals like a child." Well, I stand corrected. "Is that uh, why you've not felt good today?" Adrian points to the box of pads I hold, and I nod. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just bleeding and cramping, it's okay," I say casually and Adrian holds back a laugh at my casualty, I can tell, not knowing what to say or do.
I'm glad to now know my boyfriend isn't immature. I've heard plenty of guys around school be disgusted when girls even slightly mention their period, as if it's not the most normal thing. It makes me want to punch them and if they'd say anything remotely close to being disgusted if I were to mention periods while I'm on mine I probably would.
"D-Do you need anything else?" He asks as I walk out of that isle, on my way to find Noah so we can go home. Adrian's staying the night, even with school tomorrow.
"I've got everything." I see Noah walking towards us happily, a giant stuffed panda in his arms.
"I'm buying this," he says, walking past us to check out.
"Okay, you do that, child." I have no room to talk though, as I'd gotten seven stuffed animals at the boardwalk date me and Adrian went on, and as I would've gotten that stuffed panda also.
I take both bags after paying, taking Adrian's too, not used to being able to use both hands. It's so damn nice to finally have my cast off. We three walk out to the car, heading back to mom's house.
"Hello, Adrian," Mason says as he walks into the kitchen, seeing me and him setting the table for dinner.
"Hi, Mr-"
"You have got to stop that Mr stuff," Mason scolds him and I grin, seeing Adrian flushed. Mason helps mom finish dinner, leaving us alone.
"What do I wear to school tomorrow?" I groan later, when me and Adrian should be sleeping by now. My nerves are keeping me up while Adrian stays up with me, even though I know he's tired.
"Why are you worrying about that right now?" He rubs his eyes, raising an eyebrow at me as I look at the clothes in my closet.
"So I don't have to in the morning?" I say in a duh tone.
"Anything you wear will look fine, baby." He sits up in my bed, trying to assure me. I've never worried about what clothes I wore, not when that was the least of my worries, but it now being something I can worry about now is pretty nice. Even if it's annoying.
"Yeah right," I mumble, looking through shirts.
"I mean it. You could wear a trash bag and still manage to be the prettiest girl in the universe." I grin, butterflies making me nauseous when his arms wrap around me from behind. "Here-" he pulls out some worn out graphic t-shirt, and a pair of baggier jeans with some rips, it going together perfectly, "wear this."
"Fine." I take the pieces of clothes, walking over to put them on my dresser. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he says enthusiastically, taking my hand in his. "Let's go to sleep."
"Okay," I drag the word out, needing to lay down as my stomach begins cramping, again. It'd gone away for a while, but now it's back. Yay.
"What's wrong?" Adrian asks, seeing me curled into a ball after he turned the light off. "Is it your period again?"
"Yeah." I groan, happy to feel Adrian's arms wrapping around me from behind. My back is to his chest, his face going to the crook of my neck where he lightly leaves a few kisses, not helping with my stomach. His hands brushes my lower stomach, going to my hand but I push it away down back to my stomach. The warmth his hand provides feels perfect, although an actual heating pad would do a lot better, I don't have one. Adrian can take over a heating pads place for the night. "Keep it there."
"Why?" Adrian asks, confused.
"It feels good." I keep my hand over his, taking all the warmth he provides, thankful when he pulls the blankets over us.
"Okay then." He laughs, not daring to move his hand even a centimeter. "Goodnight, baby."
"Goodnight," I say back, feeling more tired than ever now.
I contemplate a few other words for a few long minutes that feel like hours, keeping me awake. My feelings for Adrian are so fucking intense now, this isn't some oh, I like him. Our relationship isn't just some high school one either, it's become way more than that, in just a little bit of time.
I'm sure a lot of people say that about their high school relationships, but I really mean this. This sure does not feel like a regular ole' relationship. But I also don't have any other relationships to compare this to so... whatever.
"I love you," I whisper to Adrian, my entire body flushing when the words leave my mouth, meaning them.
He's already fast asleep, though, as I hear his soft snores and soon his usual mumbled sleep talking. I can't tell if I'm relieved or sad at that fact.