Silent Lies - Chapter 49: Chapter 49

"Are you ready?" Mom asks softly from beside me as I suddenly think that therapy isn't for me. I mean, I never thought it really was, but I wanna try it.
I don't know why I'm so nervous when all it is is therapy. Maybe it's the fact that I'll be talking about my feelings, to some random woman I've never met until today. But it's only half an hour, once a week, this being my first session. But moms already said if I don't like it today, I don't have to go back. Hopefully I do like it or it'll be a waste of time.
"Yeah..." I actually don't know but I don't tell mom that, even though I'm sure she gets the hint as I pick at my nails.
But then I see the ring and fidget with it instead, swiveling it around my finger, smiling at the memory of how I got it and who I got it from.
Me and Adrian said I love you to each other.
I've been so fucking happy since Christmas Eve, I'm not sure the smiles have left my face since then, apart from today when I went back to school. School will ruin anything. And now therapy.
My relationship with Adrian is the best fucking thing ever. I've always thought people saying they felt sparks with the one they liked-loved, in my case-was cliché as fuck, but me and Adrian definitely have those stupid sparks. I couldn't be happier with Adrian.
New Years was amazing, too. We just stayed in with all our friends at Ashton's house, but we made it funner than anything else would be. We ate junk food, watched movies, played bored games and argued over them, then watched the ball drop, and watched more movies. But the moment the ball dropped was the best.
New Years
"Five minutes!" Danny reminds us as if the Tv screen isn't right in front of all of our faces, showing how much time until the new year begins.
I never cared about the new years. It used to only mean I made it through another year of dad's abuse, survived it somehow, but now I can say I've survived it all and won't ever go through it again. I can have my first year without any of his abuse at all. So, I'm actually excited, especially being with all my friends.
I do worry about when dad gets out of prison. 8 years... I'll only be 25 by then, 26 maybe. I know it was said that when he gets out, he's not allowed to even be near me-pretty much a restraining order-but still. It's scary. His apology seemed genuine but again, it could've been one hell of an act. I know by then, though, I'll be further in with my healing.
If he even comes near me, I'll handle it. With violence, if needed, because I won't allow him to hurt me in any way ever again. He could say whatever words he wants, but I know better. I don't care if it's my dad saying those words, I won't let it hurt anymore, because he's a low life speaking such words to his daughter. He has no room to talk. If he raises a hand to me also-violence. I want to take some self defense classes or something someday, because dad isn't the only fucked up person out there unfortunately and because I'm worried for the days he gets out of prison.
"What're you thinking about?" Adrian asks just as Danny tells us three minutes. Adrian's face is covered in worry; I'd been zoned out, thinking about dad.
"Nothing." I come back to reality, telling myself to not let dad ruin my happiness right now, leaning in to kiss Adrian's cheek and lean into his touch.
"Two minutes!" Ashton throws a pillow at Danny.
"We call all read the Tv, Danny." Danny scoffs, sitting back down next to Noah.
"Any New Year's resolutions?" Divine asks us all, no one answering as they shrug. My only one is to just actually live my life now that I've got a chance.
"One minute!" Danny stands up again excitedly, ignoring Ashton, as we all also stand. Adrian's arm is around my waist, his need to always have me near him being fulfilled while my stomach collects butterflies.
"Ten." Time moves slowly now, just seconds away from a new year.
"Nine." Danny and Noah are super close, looking adorable together. They've not officially started dating yet but they're close to it.
"Eight." Divine and Ashton are close, Divine's new butterfly necklace she did love from Ashton like I told him she would shimmering from the light.
"Seven." Adrian drags me closer to him.
"Six." Nostalgia sweeps over me, remembering how me, Divine, Hadley, mom, and dad would spend the new years, wishing life was still that.
"Five." Hadley should be here, excitedly going into the new year with me.
"Four." I don't think about the sad facts as Adrian lifts my chin with his finger under it, as it's getting closer.
"Three." My heart thumps so loudly as Adrian stares at me with nothing but love.
"Two." His lips are so close.
"One." So, so close.
"Happy New Year!" And they're on my lips, kissing me harder than ever, leaving me breathless.
Woah.
It's quiet when we pull away for air, making me shocked Danny's not complaining about the PDA, he'd call it.
It's because Noah kissed him, so he doesn't have room to talk.
"Fucking finally," I whisper to no one, earning laughs from everyone but the two still kissing, as they agree.
"I love you," Adrian says to me, making me smile and blush up at him as I lean in to kiss him again.
"I love you too." So fucking much.
Present time
"Your session starts in less than a minute, Olive," mom drags me back to reality. "If you're not ready today, you don't have to go. Okay?"
"I'm ready, just nervous." I take a sip of my tea, nodding to myself as I say it's okay over and over.
"It'll be okay." Mom rubs my arm, leaning over to kiss my head. I nod again, finally taking off the seatbelt as mom follows suit, getting out of the car, walking to the reception of the office with me, filling out paperwork, and introducing me to Dr. Molloy.
I nod or shake my head through introductions; shaking hands, names, our times and sessions, all that. Right away, I can tell Dr. Molloy is safe. She gives off a good vibe, a safe, mothering and nurturing one. Her black hair is in a bun atop her head, her glasses complimenting the green eyes just right, as her formal slacks and button up shirt make her look intimidating also, but she's not as she talks.
"I'll be right out here." Mom gestures to the waiting room with a warm smile, and I nod, following Dr. Molloy into her own office.
"So, Olivia, how're you today?" Her smile is warm just like mom's as I sit down in the comfy chair across from her desk as she also sits, getting into just today. Because of my nerves making me late, we have maybe twenty minutes of this session left.
"I-I'm okay..." She's my therapist, I won't lie now. I don't worry about her reporting everything back to mom because I'd already been told many times this is confidential, unless I mention wanting to hurt myself or someone presently of course. "Just... nervous, I don't know. How are you?"
"I'm good." She doesn't write every little detail about me down, yet at least, which makes me feel better. "Why're you nervous?" She gets right into it, starting small.
"This i-is my first therapy session." I shrug, keeping the words going. I've been talking a hell of a lot more lately, to more people, just about everyone including teachers at school, but that doesn't mean it's easy. "And... talking. It's... It's difficult? With someone new, I mean."
"Do you want to talk about why it's difficult?" She keeps eye contact with me, something I'm unable to do as I look around her office. Her office isn't bland or anything along those lines at all; it's filled with bright colors, bookshelves on both sides of the office, books filling every space possible on the shelves. There's cute plants; some fake and some real. The window in the back is huge, letting enough sunlight in that the need for the light above us to be on isn't there.
"It's a long story," I finally answer her. I don't know why I say that, I'm going to talk about it at some point because he is the whole reason I've started therapy.
"You can start whenever and wherever you want with that story, Olivia. We can talk about bits of it every session, or every other, or just when you want to. Okay?" I nod, trying to think of what to say.
"Can we just... talk about other things u-until I'm ready?" I thought I was ready to spill it, even in the first session, but here we are.
"Of course we can." She thinks for a second. "Tell me about school. You're seventeen, correct?"
"I am." Eighteen in April. I wish I was a kid still, a little kid.
"So you're in your junior or senior year?"
"Senior." She pauses each time I answer, as though she's storing all the small facts about me in her head and not a notebook like I thought she would.
"How is that going? You have less just four months until you graduate, that's gotta be exciting, isn't it?"
"I don't know." I stay honest. "I-I didn't think I'd make it to this point in life, really. So it's scary. I don't wanna go out into the real world yet."
Bills, jobs, taxes, moving out, college, so much more, ugh.
"I do hear that a lot." She'd faltered when I said I didn't think I'd make it this far in life, but doesn't push me, making me happy I, for once, sound like a normal teenager.
"But I've made a lot of good friends this year, and got a boyfriend, so it's easier with them." I go on before she can. "They make it easier than it ever has been, funner."
"What're they all like?" She smiles when she hears all that.
"They're amazing. There's Divine, but I've been friends with her since we were really little, but then we made all these other friends. Starting with Adrian." Talking about them is easy, no nerves being present while doing so. "Adrian's my boyfriend, the first one to talk to us, who dragged along his other two friends, Danny and Ashton. Then Noah came along, and now he's my step brother." Her eyebrows raise, taking in bits of this story.
"Step brother that quickly? Wow." She keeps pausing like she's storing everything in her head.
"Well, his dad had been dating my mom for a while, then they moved up here." If I tell her mom left, then she'll think badly of my mom. But I'm also here to try and heal more. "My mom... she uh, left. But she came back, and Noah moved to our school so that's how we met him. Mom came back, took custody after my dad, and that's how he became my step brother." I rush everything out.
"Your mom left?" I nod. "Lauren, the woman who walked you in, that's your mom? Isn't she?"
"Yes. But... it sounds bad, and it was, but we're making things work." I don't know how to explain everything. We're down to maybe ten minutes left. "She left my dad because they'd been fighting a lot and he cheated, leaving all of us. It's not an excuse but... she's doing good. It's okay."
"Where is your father now?" Shit.
"He's in prison."
She studies me for a moment before asking, "How's your relationship with your father?"
"It's terrible." I look down at my lap, fidgeting with the two friendship bracelets from Danny.
"Do you want to talk about that?"
"Not yet..." She nods, not pushing me or anything.
"Tell me about your boyfriend, Adrian? Is he good to you?" That immediately lightens my mood.
"He's so good to me." I smile finally, looking up and finding her smiling also. "He's amazing. He's helped me so much since he came into my life... He really saved me, him and his friends, Divine too. Noah wasn't there when these things happened, besides for one." When dad almost killed me. "But he's also helped me a lot."
"Saved you?"
"Like... things with my dad were getting bad, they'd always been bad but... I was starting to get pushed over the edge." With the look on her face, I know she can tell I mean suicide. "And dad was worse, like, almost killing me on his own." Well, I'm talking about him now. "Divine had been catching on but I denied it all the time and pushed her away because I didn't want her to know but then Adrian came in and helped even when I didn't want it. His friends too."
"I'm really glad you have them, then."
"I am too." I smile to myself at remembering some memories with them, my friends.
"Is talking about certain topics easier for you? If it's something you enjoy, I mean." She caught on to how easily the words flowed for me then.
"I think so, I'm still figuring it out. Like, I'd been selectively mute? But not just that... It was like I couldn't talk at all. I couldn't get the words out. I thought I'd have to trust someone to talk but I trusted Divine and didn't talk to her? It just became scary. But it's getting better. I'm talking to more and more people, working on it, so... yeah." I stumble over words and rush out more explanations, watching as she nods, seeming to understand.
"Selective mutism is a severe anxiety disorder."
I nod. "I definitely have anxiety." I also laugh, humorlessly.
"Was there any reason you became mute?"
"My dad." He's the cause of everything. "He made me scared, more scared than I ever should've been. Scared to just talk."
"What were you specifically scared of?" She asks everything so softly, cautiously, making sure I know I can change the topic if I want to.
"What would happen if I-I told someone what he'd do to me. He was um... abusive." Her expression remains neutral, but her eyes tell me how much she feels for me. It's always the eyes. "I tried telling once on my own, and when my sister was still alive we tried, but every time ended badly and no one ever believed us. When Hadley, m-my sister, died... I just stopped talking. It was easier that way. Then talking became hard, even when I tried."
"Do you think it's your fault?" She delves into a darker topic in my mind.
"I used to, or I did at first, I don't know. I'd go through periods where I knew it wasn't my fault, but then I'd go through periods where I did think it was my fault. I was always having a conflict with that part. But now? I know it wasn't my fault, anything that happened to me. I know I didn't deserve it."
"Good. I need you to know that it is never something that is your fault or something you deserve." Telling her everything is nice.
"He'd call me a lot of things too. It wasn't just physical abuse, it was emotional too. I'd believe things he'd say at times but then other times I didn't because I knew I wasn't those things but then I'd always, like, think it's my dad saying these things, it has to be true. But same with this, I know I'm none of those things at all now."
"I'm proud of you. You seem to have already made a lot of progress on your own, that is amazing." Having a therapist tell me that makes me feel good about myself, because you know, they know more psychological shit or something I don't know how to explain.
"I'm trying my best." It's the truth.
"And that is all that matters, that you try." She looks at a clock and I know our time is almost up. Shockingly, I don't want it to be. "What do you want to do with these therapy sessions?"
"I guess I just... want to make more progress in healing? I never thought therapy was for me, but why not give it a shot? I want to find like... I don't know. I haven't really thought about what I want with these sessions specifically." I shrug and she smiles.
"How is it doing for you so far now? Will I see you again next Wednesday?"
"You will," I say without hesitation. "It's only one session... but I think this can be for me." Never did I think I'd speak those words about therapy, I wasn't expecting this to go so well.
"I am so glad to hear that." She stands and so do I. I wonder if I can get longer sessions. I only selected half an hour because I didn't think I'd want to talk so much, but it's also only one session so I might end up only talking for a few minutes other times. I don't know. "I can't wait to see how you progress with these sessions, Olivia."
"I can't wait either." We walk out of the office, mom standing and coming right over. Dr. Molloy knows mom left so she falters, but says nothing about it. Confidentiality.
"How was it?" Mom asks, looking back and forth to me and Dr. Molloy.
"I'm coming back next week." That puts a smile on moms face.
"Oh, good." Mom hugs me. I spot who I assume is Dr. Molloy's next patient, an older man who looks like he's just got off work. All kinds of people go to therapy, with so many different reasons. It makes me happy to see other people trying their best, I assume.
"Here is my number. You can call or text for anything at all, Olivia." She hands a card over to me. "You can schedule an emergency session if you need one before our already scheduled ones, okay? They may just be over the phone, depending on when you call." I nod, thanking her. "I'll see you next week otherwise, then."
"Thank you." We say our goodbyes, me and mom walking back out to the car.
"Can I change sessions to be an hour long? Or like, forty five minutes or something?" I ask as mom starts the car when I dig through my bag for my phone.
"I'm sure you can. You liked it that much?" Mom smiles happily at the news when I nod. "I am so proud of you."
"I feel so stupid now. Why was I nervous?" I shake my head at myself, checking my phone. The last text from Adrian pops up about him coming over, and then our group chat blown up with questions about homework we already received even when it was only our first day back to school after winter break with new classes for the semester.
Ugh.
"Nerves are normal, Olive. You're not stupid." I smile at mom, texting Adrian that we're on the way home so he can come over.
The drive is quick thankfully, as me and mom just talk a little bit more about how therapy went. I'm grateful when I see Adrian's car pulling up just as we get out of the car, wanting to see him as if we weren't just at school together a couple hours ago.
"I'll be inside," mom tells me when she sees Adrian's car, walking ahead of me as I nod.
"He wanted to come see Noah," Adrian says as Danny also gets out of the car. Him and Noah finally made it official today, I'm so fucking happy for them.
"I'm sure he's up in his room," I tell Danny as he whizzes past me, excitedly thanking me.
"Those two are practically already in love." Adrian shakes his head, walking over and pulling me into a hug. God I love our hugs.
"It's adorable though." It truly is. I grin as Adrian pulls away, leaning down to pull me into a kiss.
"How was therapy?" He asks me, dragging his thumb across my bottom lip. Oh my god.
"It was actually really good." He pulls me into another hug.
"Good. I'm glad it was." I tell him about some of it, as I just stay in his arms, enjoying his warmth as it's cold out. He listens to every word I say as always, telling me how proud he is of me.
"I'm proud of myself, too." We pull away finally, even though I don't want to.
"You should be." He kisses me again, this kiss making my mind go hazy. Things have changed since we said I love you, in the best way possible of course. Somehow, we've managed to grow an even stronger connection. I'm still asking myself how it's possible.
"I'm cold, let's go in." I take his hand in mine, dragging him to the door and to the kitchen so I can grab us drinks and a snack.
Mom and Mason are at the table, mom already settled on working on stuff for work. Cassie's doing her homework in the living room. "Door open, okay?" Mom reminds us, me and Adrian both nodding.
We walk upstairs, stopping by Noah's room but leaving when they're both concentrating on some video game and not paying us any attention. Adrian sits on my bed as I pull out my homework for school. My new classes aren't too bad so far, and I can actually start fresh and try this semester so I have decent grades.
"I can... give you answers for Spanish and finances." The easy classes, sort of. "Good luck with chemistry."
"Good luck with biology, and math." We're both terrible at completing homework together, looking through the group chat and getting whatever answers we can, while also constantly getting distracted.
"Adrian-" he keeps kissing me, pulling me onto his lap. "We... need to do homework, remember?"
"Not really." He kisses my neck, my eyes fluttering shut, but I push him away.
"The doors open." I don't let him kiss me even though I so badly want him to, pretending I care more about homework. He flips us over after grabbing all our papers and setting them on my desk, going to shut the door after and locking it. "My mom-"
"She's busy with work, remember?" He grins as I roll my eyes, getting back on the bed and settling between my legs, kissing me again.
"Homework?" I ask breathlessly.
"We have all night." True.
He kisses my lips for a few, slowly trailing his kisses to my jaw and neck again. One of his hands grips my hip, keeping me close, while his other holds him up so he doesn't fall on me. He's kissed me like this before once or twice, but never has it felt this good. A moan slips past my lips when he kisses the absolutely fucking perfect spot, making my eyes widen.
Adrian stops kissing for a second, looking down at me with a smirk. Asshole. He kisses my lips again, pretty much telling me how much he enjoyed hearing that from me.
"You're gonna leave hickeys if you keep-oh." He chuckles softly into my neck after I pause, another fucking moan slipping past my lips when he knows where to kiss me to earn that. "I hate you."
"Yeah, okay." He kisses me hard, his tongue finding mine. What the fucking is happening, because damn I love it.
But I push him off me when I hear someone coming up the steps, rushing to unlock the door-mom will knock first, at least-running to sit in my desk chair and pretend to do homework as Adrian laughs at me. His face is flushed, just like mine.
"Olivia." Mom knocks.
"Yeah?" I play innocent, as if we weren't just making out. I want to do that again.
"You guys decent?"
"Yep." I fix my hair, scribbling on my homework as the door opens.
"What happened to keeping the door open?"
"We forgot."
"Sorry, Mrs. Ford," Adrian chimes in just to charm it all, laying on the bed like nothing was happening.
"It's okay, but you should know by now not to call me Mrs anything." Mom walks away, going to grab something from her room and going back downstairs afterwards.
"No-" I push Adrian away when he tries kissing me again, making him laugh. He is so needy. "Homework, for real."
"Fine." He collapses back on the bed as I stay at my desk so we don't end up making out again, Binx helping with that as she jumps onto my lap.
"I love you," Adrian tells me with a grin, his lips swollen I now realize. I'm sure mine are too. Damnit, mom definitely knows we didn't forget.
"I love you too, asshole." He shakes his head with a laugh.