Silent Lies - Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Pain surges through me making me want to scream as I'm shook awake by dad. I open my eyes that are blurry and hurt from the amount of crying I've done. I look up at him and he looks pissed, fear takes over me right away.
"Aren't you supposed to be at school, bitch?" What is his obsession with calling me 'bitch', out of all things, why can't he just say my name? "Not going to answer me?" He drags me up by my arm making me cry out in pain, and he smirks.
Smirks. He enjoys this so much, it makes me sick.
I land on the ground when he lets go of my arm, all of the air being knocked out of me when his foot makes contact with my ribs and stomach, thank fuck he's only in socks and not his steel toes. I look up at him through my now very much more blurry eyes, vision nearly completely gone, he's still wearing this sadistic smirk.
I so desperately want to fight back, beat the living hell out of him for the years of abuse that are still continuing, for dragging Hadley over the edge to the point she took her life, she was the only hope I had left and now I'm just here, living somehow. I would fight back, if I didn't have to worry about also being beaten to the point of nearly dying, and if I wasn't so weak from all of the abuse.
I'm not weak mentally or emotionally, just weak physically I mean. Sometimes though I do think I am weak mentally because of how much I break down and relapse, but I'm still here attempting to fight so that counts for something, right? But I have no idea how much longer I can take it, I need out and away from all of this.
"Why aren't you at school?" Is it not obvious?
Well I don't even know why I'm not. I should stop talking. I guess I forgot to set my alarms and have slept way longer than I usually would, it's nearly eight in the morning. I don't think I can handle going to school anyways, for one I'd get there very late, two I'm in too much pain to even be able to handle it.
"Fucking answer me!" Mentally, I roll my eyes.
I haven't talked in years, you'd think he'd understand by now but nope. I just gesture over my body to attempt to say I'm in too much pain even though I know he will not care at all.
"You're lucky I don't have time for this shit. Stay home, but you're going Monday, bitch." He mumbles the last word as he walks out of my room and I sigh in relief.
I lay on the floor for a bit, hearing the muffled sounds of dad calling school and telling them I won't be there, listening to the front door shut as he heads off to work. I don't really understand why he cares about if I go to school or not, it's not like he cares about me but nice.
When I sit up I groan, all the pain being way too much. After ten minutes I manage to lay back down in my bed. I grab my phone not expecting anything new but I see that Divine has texted a few times.
Divi<3 : Are you feeling better after yesterday?
Divi<3 : Are you coming to school?
Divi<3 : Liv, you okay?
Divi<3 : Text me whenever you can, please, so I know you're okay.
They were all sent in the span of two hours and now I feel bad knowing she's probably worrying her ass off. I quickly text her back saying I'm sick, but also okay, and that I won't be at school.
I set my phone back on the desk that's directly by my bed after setting an alarm so I don't ruin my already messed up sleep schedule anymore, and so I'm up before dad gets home.
Waking up to the alarm I set, I groan for what seems like the millionth time today when I turn over to turn it off. I stare up at the ceiling trying to figure out what to do now. The pain is better than earlier, only because I haven't moved much in the last hours but I know once I'm up again I'll want to lay right back down again.
Sometimes I really do think about the options of what I can do about all of this, I mean of course I do but I've been failed so many times I don't think of what to do and just deal with it all while hoping it won't become too much.
It already is too much, is the thing. I'm aware that I shouldn't have to go through all of this, no one should. But, of course some people do, it's so shitty but it's how this fucked up world is and life. There will always, unfortunately, be people like dad in this world. It's just how it is and has always been. I don't know why people become like dad, or worse. There will never be a perfect world or life or whatever, it'd be nice if there was though.
Perfect life for me would just be so simple. Mom wouldn't have left, dad would still be my protector, Hadley would still be here being my best friend. I wouldn't have this huge secret that destroys me more and more, literally. It's all such simple things everyone should have in life but it's all I could ask for. I'm not asking to be rich and have everything in the world and things like that, I just want my family back, that's all. Why can't I just have that?
I always see on shows, movies, the internet overall, that people who are going through similar situations as me need to "just tell someone." I wish we could but it's way easier said than done.
I have told someone before though is the thing. The school's resource officer. He asked a million questions barely wanting to believe me, it seemed like. He did the worst thing to do when someone tells you something like my situation, called dad, the culprit of the abuse. Dad denied it all, of course, and he seriously believed it. I said I had bruises to prove it all, but he wouldn't let me prove myself, which I shouldn't have had to prove myself at all but I was willing to.
The whole situation was a disaster. "Said," I was writing the entire time I mean. Frantically writing down everything that dad had done making the handwriting look like a five year old's, all while completely breaking down.
The second he picked the phone up I knew he didn't believe me, not after the millions of questions. You'd think the one question, "who is abusing you?" Would've been enough and let the real cops deal with the rest but nope.
The days, weeks even, after it were the worst. I think I'm bad now, it was horrible then. I should've been hospitalized but yeah right dad would never allow that and I didn't have the stability to sneak out and walk to the hospital. I missed many days of school and I'm still confused how I managed to survive those days, but I did.
There's also the option of running away, but me and Hadley have tried, I've also tried myself after Hadley was gone. It didn't end well of course. Dad had caught us and me those times. We packed bags, I packed bags on my time by myself, thought he was asleep but no he caught us and me. Just the fucking luck me and Hadley had, and I still continue to have.
The abuse for that wasn't as bad as when I told the officer, but it was still bad enough. The abuse shouldn't happen at all.
I could just not come home one day from school. But I have nowhere to go, I'm not ready to tell Divine and she'd be my only option. I also just know my luck, dad will find me whether on his own or by reporting me as missing, something like that.
There's also this one option, the one I think about the most, suicide. I've been so, so close to it somedays I wonder why I didn't do it. There's this cliff I've managed to go to some nights when I am able to successfully sneak out, which is rarely ever, where I've thought about jumping at. It's super high up, I'd die instantly. It's a way better option if you really think about it. A quick death by suicide, or a slow and suffering death by my own dad.
In Hadley's note though, she asked me to stay no matter what. She said I'd get out of this, that she'll be watching over me making sure I do. I want to believe her, believe I'll get out of it but like I've said, it's just too much at times. I think Hadley is the only reason I'm still even here, or she was at least.
Hadley would always try to take all of the hits from dad, protecting me. She'd do anything to protect me. I don't know how she didn't die sooner from dads abuse cause she always got it way way worse. My eyes tear up just thinking about it all. I really wish she hadn't left. Things would be a bit easier with her here, not wanting her to protect me but to just be here so we'd both have someone.
I have Divine, but she doesn't know about dad or anything so I can't really talk to her and cry to her about this stuff. I also don't think I could leave Divine, she's the tiny bit of hope I may have still. I try so hard to hold onto it.
I try to get out of my head and not think about all of this, I mean it's quite hard when the pain is all I can feel making me think about it all still. I get out of bed which I instantly regret.
I sit down in the chair by the desk, giving myself a few to get over the excruciating pain as much as I can which isn't a lot. I grab my bag for school and grab out whatever homework I have to get done, knowing I'll have a lot more Monday since I missed today.