stardust | park seonghwa - Chapter 40: Chapter 40

WHEN I burst into my room, I see San's silhouette from behind the curtains, looking below. He looks preoccupied, swinging his crutches next to him and humming a happy tune.
But I don't greet him. I know he's turned away from the window now because of the loud sound I made as I came in. His eyes I feel against my back as I gather every one of my belongings and shove them into my bag. He is confused and to be frank, I am too.
There are too many noises in my head to fully comprehend that San has been calling my name several times now, each time getting more and more concerned. That is, until San places his hands on my shoulders and turns me around, forcing me to face him and calm down for a moment. I've never seen him look so demanding before.
"Hyeshin!" he calls with a firmer tone, eyes searching for mine and I cringe when his they flash a soft pink. "You need to calm down! What are you doing? Where's Seonghwa hyung?"
No, it's still dizzying.
"Hyeshin!" he pauses.
"Focus on me... slowly, slowly..." San's voice is a little distorted in my head but I still hear him.
Go away!
What I want to say doesn't slip past my lips, stuck annoyingly at the back of my throat. However the tighter San grips my shoulders, the clearer my thoughts and I'm able to process my thoughts a little smoother. He counts me down, guiding me through my controlled breaths until I don't feel as though the thorns climbing up my neck was going to suffocate me any further.
Okay, maybe I thought I was prepared... but unexpectedly (or as expected, rather) I was never ready.
I knew beforehand that whatever the result was going to be, whatever mark was on there, either way I would be shocked all the same and it will both impact me greatly. For months and months on end, secretly as I lay awake on the verge of drifting off to sleep, I would play the roles in my head: what would happen if he has my mark and how I would react... what would happen if he does not.
I knew I overestimated myself by a long shot. Turns out, I was never ready after all and now I wish I've never had the desire to know. Yeosang was right, sometimes it's better to stay clueless. I wish I listened to him more.
My thought process replays the scene I saw and I still remember my own consciousness yelling loudly inside my head. Those are not my colours! They are not my constellation, not my star! Why are they not my star! And how it felt to have my words taken straight out of my mouth, my head spinning and it was as if everything in me had left my body. If it wouldn't for me sitting on the bed, I'm sure I would've lost all strength in my legs.
That would mean... San... that means―
With those thoughts ringing loud in a messy jumble of noises in my head, I start to make more sense of how easy it is to focus when San touches my hand, holding it tightly in a safe hold. Slowly, the dark fog in my mind completely disintegrates and my vision returns in bright colours. A subtle way the universe tells me that I should've realised sooner.
"Hyeshin, fuck, you don't look so good, oh my God," San's voice sounds more airy than I remember it to be. "What's wrong?"
"I want to go home," I say without thinking.
In his eyes, I can see the curiosity build up but I find myself sighing in relief when he questions me no further. Instead, after a momentary pause of him thinking, San stands up and offers a hand to me. The world around me spins for a split second but I take it anyway.
Everything is in a blur. I don't know for sure if it's my vision or it's just the really hazy state of mind I'm in right now. By the time I can get a sense of where we are, my bag is already taken from my hand and we are out. My subconsciousness feels grateful for San as he leads us out of the resort, saying a quick bye to Yoonjin as we rush past her in the parking lot. She's confused, I can feel it.
"Is she okay?" I hear her voice faintly echoes in the spaces between the haziness.
"I hope so," San holds my hand tightly, the fog clearing up almost immediately at his familiar sound but not so much. He keeps me there, making sure I don't dive too deep into my own self-disarray. "She'll be fine."
"Where's Seonghwa?"
The name brings a hitch to my throat. San seems to notice, glancing at me worriedly before placing an arm around my shoulders. He must think I'm going to faint because I must admit, I must look like it; I can feel the loss of colour in my face, the trembling beneath my feet even in addition to the feeling of being unable to move, like I'm glued to the spot.
San squeezes my shoulder reassuringly. "He's still in his room..." another worried glance, "I think we should be on our way. She has somewhere to be and Seonghwa was taking a long time so she decided to go with me."
I can tell that he reasoned with something completely off the top of his head; his voice is always fast paced and tuned into a higher pitch whenever he does that. It makes me grimace internally... how did I get too selfish and didn't notice?
Thankfully, Yoonjin doesn't dig for more information and leaves us be, back to her cheery bouncy self.
There's a million questions running through his mind, but he stays quiet and doesn't voice a sound. Instead San gets me comfortable on to the passenger seat and hobbles to the other side, throwing his pair of crutches along with my bag in the backseat and finally sits next to me.
How he can drive so soon after the accident, I don't really know, but I figure that sometimes you just got to do what you've got to do.
During the drive, I start to come terms with reality.
There's a part of me still in denial of course. As if when I go back and see Seonghwa, I can rub off the colours off his shoulder and see mine instead. But you can't change it, nobody can even if you'd go as far as trying to erase it from the bones. So another part of me is starting to realise that this is real; that if I'd pinch my hand, it will sting and―I momentarily take a glimpse of San whose eyes are focused on the road―his hand will hurt too.
"You've been looking my way for a scarily lot of time," San raises his brow, "I'm actually genuinely a lot more concerned now, Hyeshin are you sure you're okay with going home with me? We can always head back 'cause we're not that far away from the resort so if you want to go with with Seong―"
"―it's fine, just... drive. Don't crash."
"Yikes, geez... okay," San laughs airily in a way that somehow makes me feel a little better, "since we're out here so early in the morning, I'm assuming you haven't gotten breakfast yet despite the morning person you are and judging by the way you were rushing earlier, your mind was too preoccupied to think of eating so... noodles?"
And even though I've started to really let it dawn on me, I'm still not used to how San just knows. Even without him realising it. Another lump of guilt forms at the base of my throat.
"Yeah," I force up a smile. If San knows I'm faking it, he doesn't show it and instead goes on a ramble of a list of good noodle houses that he knows.
For now, I need to keep my mind off Seonghwa, the mark and everything that I'd left behind at the resort in order to calm down and gather myself together. I'm not entirely sure that having San next to me is a very good idea but his voice keeps me away from those thoughts and the small feeling of guilt.
It was only then that the suddenly overwhelming wave of emotions and confusion finally hit me; seeing the beach we were at yesterday passing by through the windows and when I look through the rear mirrors, I can still see the the tip of the resort houses by the hill. So I press my back further into the seat, allowing myself to feel as small as possible.
Then San slows the car down, taking advantage of the almost deserted seaside road, and lean forward slightly. Of course, I face away from him. He must think that I don't want him to see me cry but he's wrong, I'm not going to cry. However, I can tell that he was more worried than last time.
"I won't push you or anything, Hyeshin but you look like you're going to cry," San says softly. I bite my bottom lip. "So please cry, I... don't hold it in."
At first, all I hear are the soft noises of the ocean waves. My vision starts to blur in a watery distortion when I notice the silence in the car, cursing under my breath. What was once was fields of grass and the endless sea turn into a marble of colours. To hold myself back, I scrunch my brows into a frown as hard as possible―I can't let San see me cry.
San's hand reaches up to my head and strokes my hair. "It's okay, let it out."
That's when a choked sob lets itself free from the back of my throat and I curl into myself.
Hearing San repeatedly chanting 'it's okay' hurts me more and I so badly want to say sorry to him. But I can't. I'm scared that if I do, it won't be as sincere as I want it to be.
San doesn't know why I'm like this. I look at him through my glassy eyes, his eyes flash yellow. He's so patient despite his worries, my heart clenches at the thoughts of how he deserves so much better and how hard it must be for him when he finds out, the stars should have done him better.
My heart hurts for San as he takes my hand and rubs soothing circles on the back of my palm.
My heart hurts for Seonghwa with all the unspoken words that the universe seemed to pull away from me the second I saw the colours on his shoulder.
Another sob escapes my lips, tears streaking the sides of my face and I want to hold it in so bad but it hurts my lungs so much. San has completely stopped the car now, clicking my seat belt off to help me run oxygen into my lungs and helping me wipe away the evidence of heartbreak from my cheeks.
With a staggering breath, I remember the other reason why my heartstrings are slowly pulling apart.
They ache for Yeosang, and for the nebula he and Seonghwa both share.
After all that, I still have the audacity to feel my heart hurt for myself and the way I still love Seonghwa despite him never being written in my galaxy, me never being in his.
I'm really that selfish, huh?