stardust | park seonghwa - Chapter 43: Chapter 43

AS soon as I'm out of the elevator, I can feel the sweep of early morning wind blow through the walls. When I glance at the receptionist table, I see the usual security guard leaning back on his chair, hands tucked into his uniform pockets and snoring the night away. The night is still pitch black outside, they say hours before the crack of dawn is when the night is at its darkest. But in the shadows, I see the silhouette of a familiar figure.
When the doors open, he pushes himself off the wall he was leaning on and I'm met by the presence of Seonghwa.
He still looks very much the same, except for the visible circles under his eyes and I can tell he was exhausted. His hoodie was thrown on hastily, messy hair and oh my God, he's wearing that ridiculous rubber ducky pyjama pants.
Yet, he's as ethereal as ever. It's probably because of how absence makes the heart grow fonder but even though a couple of days isn't very long, I swear he grew a millennia more beautiful. I blame the Witching Hour for making him look like this; moonlight shining down on his face, the soft breeze picking up strands of his hair... what is this witchcraft?
Seonghwa greets me with a soft smile ghosting his lips; the smile was tired, relieved, happy, confused but it welcomes me with open arms.
"You scared me," I hear him whisper on my neck.
"I know, I'm sorry," is all I can say. I was frightened too.
Humans make rash decisions when  they are, I'm sorry I worried you.
My arms that are around his waist tighten a little and I can hear Seonghwa's little thoughts as if he's speaking them. He has questions, of course he does. If I were ever in his place, I would already be asking a million questions a minute. Seonghwa allows me to take my time, it still amazes me how incredibly patient he is. He's so perfect and yet, he was never meant for me.
A constricting feeling slowly wraps around my throat and I choke back a sob. Seonghwa grows concerned as he tries to pull me off, probably going to search my eyes for answers and ask me what's wrong. Instead, I hug him a little tighter, savouring the feeling of home for a while longer before I brace myself, hoping my voice will work with me.
"It's okay," he tells me. Seonghwa caresses my hair, each stroke filled with love, so much it breaks my heart.
"Do you want to go somewhere warmer?" he asks, chuckling, after I had managed to sneeze a few times in a row. "Like inside, maybe?"
"It's just a hayfever," I tell him, "I can't stay inside... it's too cramped."
Wrong, that's not the reason. If something goes wrong, I have no place to run away but I can't tell Seonghwa that.
Minutes later, we are at a nearby park, sitting above a picnic blanket Seonghwa had retrieved from his car on our way here. Out here, I feel a lot calmer. Somehow the sounds of crickets and the distant whirring of engines of faraway cars makes me relax, it feels a lot easier, the pressure going away with the honking that sounds every once in a while. We sit on the grass by a garden lamp, I swear I can hear an owl somewhere. It sounds a little creepy but somehow, it only makes the atmosphere better. We pay no mind to it.
"So uh... a-about that day... uh... Seonghwa," I start, playing with the edges of the box of tissues he managed to bring as well. "I-I'm sorry. You're probably confused but I had to, I'm sorry."
Seonghwa doesn't say anything for a while, the silence is wrapped with uneasiness but I try to focus on the sounds of the crickets instead.
"Oh... we're―you weren't sick?" he asks, "I thought you were sick... now I'm confused?"
"Yeah about that, I wasn't sick?" I say, furrowing my brows as I concentrate on my words, "well... technically not yet because after that this came." I point at my nose, sniffling. The corner of Seonghwa's mouth tugs up, amused.
"Truth is..."
"Take your time," Seonghwa tells me, "I'm not going anywhere."
"I―" my heart jolts when Seonghwa takes the tissue I have crumpled in my fist away, replacing it with his hands and massages my knuckles.
"―Hwa, you do know that tissue's dirty, right?"
He shrugs, "you just look like you needed someone to hold your hand?"
Although I can feel my cheeks heat up in an obvious blush, I still can't shake off that he picked my tissue out of my hands like it's nothing. It makes me twist a face but Seonghwa smirks at me playfully.
"But my nose?"
Seonghwa chuckles. "Ef-why-eye, snot isn't going to kill me or you, tsk. If you want you can always shove it up your nostril?"
"No."
"C'mon I've seen you tissue-nostriled a million times through winter," he assures me, "so you want it or no?"
I shake my head. "Okay," he nods, continuing to rub comforting circles on the back of my hands. "You were saying?"
I take a deep breath while Seonghwa nods at me to go on with a reassuring smile.
"That day... or night? When we did the uh... thing... did you see anything? Like anything that caught you eye or something like that?"
Seonghwa looks genuinely confused. "I saw you, if that's what you mean?"
"No, like," I sigh, "something that's colourful, bright, or anything that's flashy?"
My heart is hammering out of my chest now as Seonghwa seems to be deep in thought. The air has suddenly gotten a bit chillier now that Seonghwa's fingers had stopped circling my knuckles. He tilts his head to the side, narrowing his eyes a little as he thinks.
There are obviously two outcomes to this and although it's very unlikely, the chances of him not seeing the mark is still there. But the last time I checked, he had perfectly functioning pair of eyes so there was no way that he missed it. Absolutely no way. Nobody could miss a mark the size of star marks. Unless he completely ignored it or that it somehow magically disappeared... but surely he would've mentioned something if he saw.
"No..?" he bites his lip, "was it something I should've been aware of?"
Well, I guess this is it.
"My star mark, Hwa," and I swear hearing me finally say those words to him feels so surreal because I never thought I'd gather up the courage to do so, and to him specifically. For a second, I feel the world spin and there's a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach but I swallow down my nerves to try and keep a clear vision.
"You have a... star mark?" My head shoots up at that, confused.
"What do you... of course I do, did you not―?"
Seonghwa cuts me off with a shake of his head.
My hand reaches for the back of my left shoulder out of reflex, feeling it burning a little warm under the pads of my fingers. That is, before I can a tingle on my fingertip as my muscles feel a soft pressure on the place where the star is embedded on my skin―San. He must've felt that too and Seonghwa, he looks very much confused. A gust of cold wind sweeps the air and I let go of my mark, encircling my arms around myself.
When I see Seonghwa's eyes, they flash a faint blue, a small window opening to the many emotions running through his mind. I can tell he's conflicted; Seonghwa is playing with his fingers, letting his hair fall over his eyes and his avoiding glances. This time, he's pretty easy to read. He wants to say something.
"I know it's kind of obvious, but I know about yours," I tell him, nodding at his own left shoulder. "It was the reason why I left that day... childish, I know but I don't know... I felt really overwhelmed then and needed a lot of time to think. Asides from you, my star mark was everything I could think of back then and maybe I got a little too set into the idea of you being my star mate, I didn't really think what I should've done if you weren't. It's my fault, I'm sorry."
"And before you say anything," I add on quickly as soon as I realise Seonghwa wanted to speak. With a deep inhale, I reveal to him what I thought I'd never say for as long as I've known him.
"I know who your star mate is," I bite my bottom lip nervously as I wait for his reaction.
This time, he's unreadable―he's silent and visibly frozen. I feel my heart drop to my stomach then, my mind panicking at the way he reacted. Maybe that was a bad move and I shouldn't have done that. Or that I'm too selfish―you know, maybe I am. Does that make me a bad person?
I try to look at everything else that is not him, but it's hard when all around you is the night and there's nothing left to see but of the moths crowding the garden lamp. However, the more I stare at the little creatures, the more I think of all the times Seonghwa and Yeosang and their little ways to comfort each other, showing they care, without even knowing who the other was. Suddenly, I feel small.
"That's―Hyeshin, are you for real?" is the first thing Seonghwa says. It shocks me more than it hurts my feelings knowing that he doubts me. Does he not believe me? My brows furrow at that.
"First of all, if I'd known you had yours, I'd stop and ask! Star mates are important to some people and even though it may not matter as much to me, I still didn't know how they stand with you and now knowing that it means alot..." the brunet messes his hair in frustration.
"My star mate, whoever it is, and I touched in... I don't even know where," he scoffs before leaning back on his arms, staring at the sky (in which ironically, looking up at the stars).
"It was a busy day, there were so many people, there's no way you could know. It was so long ago, none of it really matters anymore because what are the odds? That I find that someone out of the hundreds of people I passed by that day. All I know is that they're alive and well, that's good enough for me. You saying you know who mine is when I don't even know―I dunno... I understand but..."
I pick at a loose thread on the blanket. Seonghwa lets out a humourless chuckle.
"That day I was so scared, Hyeshin," His tone is rising now.  "I wondered all night what I could've done to make you run away like that. I thought about every single second of the previous week, the previous day! I tried to think of every sentence I said to you to know what I did wrong. At first I thought you were suddenly sick and wanted to leave soon but when you left with San―"
Seonghwa pauses, letting out a short exhale. "―When you left with San, it hit me once. It hit me second when I couldn't reach out for you, and I spent all night at your door, blaming myself for what happened even though I didn't even know what was wrong!" He glares at the ground.
"So, really, I seriously don't know what you're trying to do here. Don't make me any more confused, please, don't muck around."
"I'm not! I'd know my best friend's mark anywhere!" I say out of nowhere.
The man in front of me visibly chokes on air, eyes widening at my sudden burst. "W-what?" he manages to splutter out, "what do you mean 'your best friend'?"
There's no turning back now. Oh and the saying was wrong, by the way, a ten-second courage doesn't exist―they need to last way longer than that. Especially on nights where thoughts have been clouding your head, out in the park in our thin coats and early morning dew that are starting to seep through the fabric of the picnic blanket. You can't hide, there are no distractions and okay, I might have been responsible for wanting to do this right here right now but I wish my courage would last way longer. Is this why people call it the spur of the moment? Because if it is then―
"Hyeshin, what do you mean by 'best friend'?" Seonghwa says once more, tone stronger than the last and stopping my endless thoughts from stretching a lot further than it needs to be.
Oh God, can he get anymore stupid? I only have one best friend, he should be able to connect the dots so why is he still asking?
"Hyeshin."
"I―"
Words get stuck in my throat, squeezing my airways as they try to escape. My jaws clamp shut, and I want to say it so, so badly but why isn't my body doing anything? All I do is clench my fists, chew on the inside of my cheeks and lower my gaze.
On the way here, I imagined it in my head; what I will do, what I will say, how I will handle things when I finally get to this point. However, what went on in my head ends up a complete 180-degree switch to reality as I find myself almost shaking―I want to tell him, but I don't want to. I have to tell him, but I can't. From this point on, I realise, what he will say will decide what happens in the future and even though I was brave for a second, the fear manages to slip back into me and it blurs my vision slightly.
That's when Seonghwa's hands cup my cheeks, thumbs pressing on to my eyelids to shut them. He caresses them softly, wiping the un-shed tears along with his strokes. I feel him shift closer. Now, we are knee-to-knee and even though the night is cold, his hands are warm, just like how they've always been. He's so inviting and comforting―why?
"Hey, hey, baby, it's okay," Seonghwa sounds much softer now, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to go off like that. Please, take your time."
I don't comment on the nickname. Contrary to how I'd usually react, hearing that now brings a cocoon of safety and warmth around me.
After a long inhale, I open my eyes and take his hands away from my cheeks, holding them tightly in mine. "Yeosang, Seonghwa," it's a little shaky but he hears it. "Your m-mark is also... his..."
Seonghwa's soft yet confused expression doesn't waver, as if urging me to carry on, like he knows I have some more to say.
"I don't know it's just..." a choked sob breaks loose from me and so I bury my face in my hands. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry for him. You two had it for such a long time and in just months, I took you away from him and―and―that's unfair to you. I have no right to do that. I'm so―I'm really, really sorry for keeping you from him. Him from you. And that would also mean that, you know, I've kept myself away from San."
The man lets out another puzzled hum. "San?" he gasps lowly, "oh my God, is he your...?"
I shrug. Yeah.
"I hurt you, didn't I? Because of this?"
He once again takes my silence as a 'yes'.
"Then I'm the one who should be sorry. I know you must've thought we were star mates and I'm sorry for lifting your hopes up. You must've felt betrayed. I'm sorry."
I wipe my tears with the back of my hand. "Why are you apologising? You did nothing wrong! It's all on me for being an idiot."
"But I still hurt you, didn't I? My mum says I have to apologise when I hurt someone, even in situations like this."
"Shut up, don't apologise anymore. It's my fault. We don't choose who our star mates are, we were never born from the same star, Seonghwa, this is on me. I'm sorry."
Seonghwa frowns. "I know we're not," he says defensively, "at least, I know that now. I didn't know you cared about it, I simply thought you didn't have it."
"Then what happened?"
He sighs, "there was nothing on your shoulder, okay? If there was, I would know and I would remember."
"Although, if I remember right, your eyes were a brighter blue than usual... you know, they say in some circumstances, your mark can temporarily fade," Seonghwa continues, eyes searching for mine, "so, is there something that maybe you're not telling me?"
There was, actually.
My arms enclose around my legs that are brought up to my chest, lips trembling and it's not because of the cold. I let my head drop to my knee, keeping my eyes shut knowing very well I shouldn't be crying again but I am. The feeling of guilt is just too heavy, too hard to ignore and even if I want to lie to him, I can't.
"I'm sorry, I just―" my voice is barely a whisper. I'm not sure whether or not Seonghwa can hear it but if he can't, I pray to the Lord I don't have to repeat it. "Just thought that maybe it didn't matter, you know? I have you, you have me and this shouldn't matter but then I remember all those times he could feel you write stuff and finally knowing it's you... I feel like I'm taking you away from him. Especially both yours and Yeo's, as well as mine and San's are amare marks."
"That morning, I did notice a lot of weird prickling feelings and maybe I did realise my mark is a little faded off." I chuckle under my breath, shaking my head, "it's funny because Yeo swears he doesn't care because it's been years but I still see the excitement when you write him a good night."
After that, neither of us say a thing. I know this time, he can tell my smile is forced. But he ignores it and doesn't say a thing. Instead, he lifts his hand to stroke my hair. I feel it trail down the side of my head, his thumb leaving traces of his touch across my right eyelid, the apple of my cheek and the angle of my jawline before he pulls me close.
When his lips brush against mine, nudging hesitantly, it feels like coming home. It probably doesn't make sense, but his kisses feel like a mix of soft grey and deep blue. The second time, he kisses me a little deeper and a soft sigh escapes my lips. It's like he catches my exhale, giggling softly to himself and to that, I feel myself redden in an obvious pink that's thankfully hidden by the darkness. I realise that I've missed him, I missed this. Through his little pecks, I know he's telling me that we're okay. There was nothing to be afraid of. With that in mind, I let one last tear roll down my cheek, my hand finding the one he's leaning on against the ground and let it rest over it. This time, I'm relieved.
"You," he says against my lips, "you, you, you, you. You hear me, Cherry?"
I nod, feeling our foreheads press against each other and once again, I'm welcomed by the familiar map of the stars in his eyes. Right then and there, the love I have for him grows even larger than I thought it ever would. I feel content, happy with what I have and if this is how it's going to go then who am I to complain? I let go of my guilt, feeling a surge of positive energy in my veins as I do so.
However, as Seonghwa leans in closer once more, I feel an annoying itch at the back of my nose. That results in the brunet to yelp away as I flinch back to let out a sneeze. We're both silent after that, biting our lips to hold ourselves back from laughing and when I find out that my breathing is clear again and I don't feel like I have to sneeze every 5 seconds, I let it out.
It feels nice, Seonghwa and I giggling together like this again, him squeezing me in a warm hug, all happy smiles and pretty laughs. Even though it's cold out, where we are is warm but that's probably just the aura that Seonghwa already naturally radiates. I feel giddy knowing that he's willing to share that warmth with me.
"God, fuck the stars, okay?" he whispers when we embrace, "it's you and me now. It's not like it's gonna kill us."
"Technically, it can," I say in a matter-of-factly way, watching with amusement as Seonghwa pouts. "But I've let go of the guilt, so I'm not dying on you any time soon. Hopefully."
Seonghwa smacks my arm playfully.
"Let's forget about universes yeah? We can worry about that in the morning, next week, month, year, maybe in the next life or something because I swear Hyeshin, I love you and I can promise you that."
"Ew, you're so cheesy," I grimace.
He simply grins boyishly, pressing a chaste kiss on the crown of my head. "Shut up, you love it. Come on, let's head back inside, I'm kind of tired. I haven't been able to sleep lately because of a certain someone and I need someone to hug."
Seonghwa smirks because he knows his remark made me blush, so I tell him he's lucky that I'm not strong enough to kick his ass off to another universe.