Stockholm Syndrome? - Chapter 16: Chapter 16

By the end of the next week, I had gotten 5 people mad at me. Some were incensed and some were mildly upset with me. I deserve most if not all of it. I'd gone the week in what Stella described as zombie mode. It all started on the evening I got the note from Felix.
1.Stella
Stella came by at exactly 6 pm to help me get dressed. She probably thought I was going to apply makeup too. I heard her shuffling near the door before 6 pm at which she officially knocked. She'd at least respected my 6 pm rule, which was not the Stella I knew. I guess she really wanted me to go out with Damian.
She knocked and knocked. I didn't open the door. She banged, screamed and swore before deciding to call me. I didn't answer. I let my phone ring until it went to voicemail. I just stared at it. I couldn't answer knowing I would just snap. The anger inside me wasn't dying down. It was instead growing.
Stella gave up and went home. She didn't call for at least an hour. She left a disappointed voicemail. I had stood Damian up and she couldn't believe I had done that. Her voicemails alternated from being disappointed to being worried about me.
She asked Alex to check up on me when he returned from work.
Stella and I didn't talk until she cornered me on my way home from soccer practice on Tuesday. I found her waiting at the door of my apartment.
"Finally, I was starting to wither", she said. She was sitting cross-legged at the door in white shorts.
"Can I pass?" I asked nonchalantly.
"No. We have to talk", she said.
I looked up in annoyance. "I don't have to talk but obviously you do, so talk".
"What happened on Saturday?" she asked. She didn't look like she was going to stand up anytime soon.
I didn't say anything.
"Well?" she enquired irritably.
"I didn't say I was going to talk. I said I'd let you talk. If you are done, I'd like to go inside. It's cold out here", I said.
"So that's it? You are going to ignore the fact that you stood a guy up? He waited for you. You didn't even call", she said.
I just looked at her. It was eating me inside that I couldn't tell my best friend why I was acting the way I was. I couldn't tell her about Felix or the note. It was my burden and my burden alone. It was my hands who'd unwittingly shed blood.
I couldn't tell her that. It was going to be a burden for her knowing and me telling her she couldn't do anything about it. She wouldn't understand. Or maybe it was exactly that –her not understanding why I did what I did – that scared me. I couldn't face her harsh judgment. I couldn't have her look at me with eyes that screamed "You are guilty".
I would rather have the friend that was mad at me for standing up her friend. At that time she was looking at me with disappointed eyes.
I was about to say something when the door opened. Alex was standing there with his bag on his shoulder. He had a shift at the coffee shop.
"Hey", he said awkwardly to Stella.
"Hey", she said. "Step over me".
"Are you sure?" he asked uncertainly.
"Yes. You have long legs. But I swear if you step on me I'll reduce those legs to stumps", she said.
Alex bit his lip as he raised his leg over Stella's shoulder and put it slowly on the ground. He did the same with his other leg.
"Phew, that was the hardest test of my life", he said as he fixed his bag on his shoulder.
"And you passed with flying colors. If you didn't you'd be limping to work", she said.
Alex looked at me and I looked back. He didn't smile. Neither did I. I could see him clenching his jaw slightly. Alex was one of the people that I had gotten angry in that week. That's a story that will follow shortly.
He turned to Stella.
"See you tomorrow?"
"Sure", Stella said smiling.
Alex left us standing there – well I was standing, Stella was still sitting.
"Stella please stand up", I said. It was more of an order. I'd added the "please" to overshadow the tone of my voice, but it hadn't.
"We have to talk!" she said.
"No!" I yelled. "I don't have to talk so get the fuck away from my door!"
She gritted her teeth with her eyes narrowing before she stood up in resignation.
"You know how you always said that Len doesn't talk, you are turning into him", she said before turning to walk away.
I clenched my jaw. "Don't you dare compare me to Len!"
She turned to me. "Why not? You stood a nice guy up and for 3 days you haven't called to tell him why you couldn't make it. That sounds exactly like Len. Actually, no, Len was better. At least he called the next day", she said.
"I didn't mean to stand him up!" I shouted before I could stop myself.
Stella's ears stood up in anticipation. She waited for me to continue but I couldn't. While I hadn't been able to arrest my outburst, I was able to arrest the ones that wished to follow.
Stella finally raised a brow. I didn't continue. I merely put my hand on my schoolbag strap and walked into my apartment, leaving her standing about 4 feet from the door. I closed the door behind me and heard her footsteps as she walked away. I sighed as I leaned against the door.
I didn't like pushing her away but I couldn't let her pry me open. I wouldn't just feel guilty about Felix; I'd have someone else think so too. Stella may not say it aloud, but she would think it and that would be bigger than the scolding I was subjecting myself to.
2.Damian
Damian was upset with me for an obvious reason, I had stood him up. After reading the note from Felix, I couldn't bring myself to do go out on a date and pretend I was fine. I was anything but fine. I was raging with fury. Damian became the last thing on my mind, even after he called and texted.
Stella said I was like Len. I didn't know if Len ever felt genuinely bad, but after what Stella said, I felt really bad. I'd gone the past days not caring about what I did, but when Stella compared me to Len, something inside me snapped.
I wasn't like Len. I hated being stood up and I couldn't do that to other people. I planned on apologizing to Damian on Wednesday. That didn't happen. A series of unfortunate events occurred and prevented me from apologizing.
I had decided on apologizing face-to-face. Being with Len had taught me that phone apologies always sounded insincere. The guy was in the same place as me, I at least owed him that. I hoped Stella hadn't told him I was fine because being 'sick' was going to be my excuse. Stranger or not, I couldn't tell him about Felix.
I planned to meet up with him at lunch break. He was studying the same modules as Stella so I knew his schedule. I didn't tell him about it though. I figured I would when it was lunch time. I didn't get to do that. My lunch break was taken up by finding out I had an assignment due the next week. I spent my lunch time at the library but I didn't get much done. I was comforted by the fact that that Friday was Veterans' day, meaning I had a long weekend to complete my assignment.
I moved apologizing to Damian after soccer practice. I probably would have, had it not been for Konstantin.
3.Konstantin
Konstantin had always been a thorn in my side. It was a wonder why I hadn't beat him up yet. I finally did and it was unpleasant for him.
I was not the violent type. I always thought matters could be solved calmly. I always wondered why I didn't give Konstantin a taste of my fist but I never thought I would actually do it. That was until Wednesday in the afternoon.
I didn't wonder why I didn't just do it, I did it.
Wednesday was the final day for soccer practice that week. After the next week we had our opening match against UCLA. Everyone was doing their best to be selected for the starting line-up. Some ran more than usual. Some took risks and some like Konstantin wanted to make sure certain people didn't touch the ball at all.
Everyone knew Konstantin was a shoe-in for the opening match. He was undoubtedly the best striker on the pitch. And apparently he thought soccer was a one-man sport. He monopolized scoring and took shots even when other strikers were open and better positioned. He was as selfish as they came.
That day he was on my team. He took midfielders for granted and I swore to show him just how much he needed me. Being the attacking midfielder meant I fed the ball to the strikers. I was usually the last man and played like Konstantin wasn't on the pitch. It was in retrospect not a nice thing to do and definitely not something to be done in a real match, but Konstantin deserved it.
By half-time he caught up on what I was doing and he wasn't going to let it go without confronting me.
"What the fuck are you doing out there?" he whispered vehemently as we stood on the sidelines.
"Playing soccer", I said nonchalantly.
"You do know the coach isn't going to select you if you don't pass me the ball, right?"
"I didn't know selection was based on you", I said. "Do you like own the team now?"
"I'm the best player in the team", he said sticking his chest out like a pigeon.
"You are the best striker on the team, there's a difference. You are apparently the most insecure too", I said.
"I am not insecure", he said adamantly.
I gave him a fake smile, this time facing him. "Sure you aren't".
"At least I play good. You on the other hand...with you on the team, we'll get massacred", he said.
"You'll be on the pitch, won't you? You'll swoop in like Superman and save the day, after all you are the best", I said.
"You better pass me the ball", he said.
"I'll pass you the ball when you stop being selfish", I said.
"Got a boyfriend?" he asked out-of-the-blue.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "What's it to you?"
"Just wondering who on earth would be with an assfucker like you. I know your previous boyfriend dumped you. He probably couldn't stand the cuntface you are", he said.
He was talking about Len. I didn't know how he found out and I didn't care. Len was the last thing on my mind. Felix was the foremost thing. Felix had left. He knew where I was and where I'd been but he never bothered to contact me. He'd left after what happened between us. He probably couldn't stand the cuntface I was.
Anger that had been constant for a while was growing and bubbling.
"Just pass me the ball if you want to still be on the team little faggot, okay?"
It wasn't the word. I went over it a couple of times that night as I lay in bed. It wasn't the word. I'd been called faggot before. I didn't care. I treated it like most cuss words. It couldn't have been it that made me turn and attempt to right Konstantin's nose with a punch which caught everyone's attention. It was a sloppy punch –given the fact that I never really hit many people before that – but it still did some damage.
Although Konstantin didn't anticipate my punch, he seemed to be well-versed in fighting because he immediately swung a punch back. I moved away slightly, but he caught a bit of my cheek.
I was about to swing more punches when someone grabbed me by my waist from behind. I struggled against my capturer as I saw Konstantin advancing towards me with a balled up hand. He was seconds away from hitting me when a man stood between us, with his back to me.
"Christensen, Kreisler; stop it now!" it was the assistant coach.
"He fucking started it!" Konstantin yelled.
"I don't care. You stop this instant or I'll suspend the both of you!" the assistant coach said.
I stopped struggling and realized only then that I had two teammates holding me back. They let me go and the assistant coach stepped back so that both Konstantin and I were in his view. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to look at us.
The head coach walked to us. He'd gone to the bathroom and was alerted to us by the commotion we'd caused.
4.Head coach
"I have half a mind to suspend you right now Christensen!" The coach barked.
He'd moved both Konstantin and I away from the group so we could discuss the matter privately. He didn't seem to care much about privacy anymore with the way he was barking at me.
I looked down at my feet.
"If you can't handle your own teammate, how are you going to handle the opposition?" he continued.
My reply was to raise my hand to my cheek and massage it. It hurt a little after Konstantin's punch.
"I am going to ask you one thing and I want you to tell me the truth. Why did you punch him?"
"He called me a faggot", I mumbled.
The coach looked at Konstantin. "Why would you call him that?"
"I didn't call him that. He's lying", Konstantin lied.
The coach looked at me. "Okay, I don't care who said what. I have rules on my pitch and you will stick to them or you'll find yourself off the team. Consider this your first warning. I will not tolerate something like this again", he said and looked between Konstantin and I. "You are both great players and I'd hate to lose any of you. On my pitch you better learn to tolerate each other and fast or one of you will find himself benched".
I nodded slowly. Konstantin didn't do anything.
"As this happened on university property, I am obliged to tell you that should you wish to report him to the university, you can", he said looking at Konstantin. "As a guy, I think it's petty. So what is it going to be?"
"I'll let it go", Konstantin grumbled.
"Should you wish to avenge yourself, don't do it on my pitch", the coach said.
Konstantin looked at me menacingly.
"Alright, you can go Kreisler", coach said and I wondered why he wanted to speak to me alone as Konstantin went to join the team.
The coach turned to me.
"You know why I put him in your team?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"He brings out the best in you. The last weeks you were playing like you were about to give birth any second..."
Ouch!
"...today you were great, except for one flaw. I know he has an ego the size of a beach ball but pass the guy the goddamn ball!"
"I will".
"The normal procedure is to let you sit a match, but I won't. But I swear if you get a red card for anything other than improper tackling, you will sit out more matches than is mandatory", he said.
I nodded.
"Handle your emotions Christensen. I would hate to lose my number one midfielder", he said and with that he walked away from me.
By the time I rejoined the team the coach had decided to scrap the second-half of our match, focusing on dribbling techniques. I was glad. I wasn't eager to pass the ball to Konstantin. Deep inside, I was still angry.
When I went home I forgot all about Damian and my apology. I went straight to my room, ignoring the person sitting on the couch in my living area. Right, now we finally get to Alex.
5.Alex
Alex was the one person who didn't deserve my wrath. Okay, he was the least person who deserved my wrath.
It was the day I had gotten the note. I kept reading and rereading it until I tore in into a thousand pieces. It was like I got angrier with every word I read. Stella was banging on my door, making me want to hit the door with everything that was in that room.
Stella left, but my anger didn't. So I went on a rampage. I threw things around and broke some, and by the time I was done, the room was a mess. I didn't feel good afterwards. That of course defeated the purpose.
Alex found me sitting on the couch with feathers littered everywhere. I suppose I did look like a maniac. He couldn't get a proper answer as to why the whole place was a mess and that rightfully made him angry, especially when I refused to clean it up.
I eventually did, but that didn't fix things between us. Again I couldn't tell someone I desperately wanted to tell why I was behavior like a crazy person. Alex and I barely talked and as days went by I got angrier. I was like a biochemical hazard area and by Friday no one dared step close to me. Well, almost no one.
Clark hadn't experienced my wrath but he'd heard about it. He had the nerve to come and ask me to join him and a few friends on a night-out. He'd even suggested a gay nightclub for my benefit. I said yes, hoping it could help me let out my energy in a healthy way. I didn't know it would be more than a night out. Things took a dramatic turn that night.