Stockholm Syndrome? - Chapter 22: Chapter 22

Later on Felix and I had a late lunch that he prepared. I loved the vegetables, the fish not so much. He hadn't put anything besides a little bit of salt. I knew that was good for me, but I didn't like it. I finished my helping either way. The food kept me warm and gave me a little bit of strength.
Felix didn't feed me this time. He allowed me to sit up and eat on my own. He sat next to me and cleaned off his bowl of food. He didn't have to eat the same bland food as me, but he elected to do so. I couldn't fool myself into thinking he was torturing himself because of me. It was probably because he didn't know how to cook anything else.
I put my bowl on the small wooden table in front of us when I was done.
"That was a step up from beans and bread", I said enthusiastically.
He chuckled slightly. "You are lucky there was food here to begin with".
I looked at him in shock. "You go into town every day?"
"Pretty much. This place would probably be nonexistent if I tried cooking every day", he replied, placing his bowl on the table.
He pulled the blanket to cover us both.
"Your house...did you sell it?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No, didn't put it up for sale either".
"And the cars?" I asked, remembering that he had 7 cars including the one I'd left in the middle of nowhere. 3 of them were sports cars. So far I'd only seen the Jeep near the cabin.
"Still in the garage", he said.
"You left your house and cars? You are two states away!" I said.
"They are secure", he said dismissively.
"You must really trust your security", I said.
He gave a small assured shrug. His confidence was amazing. I suppose he had a backup plan, he had to have one. I knew his house meant a lot to him. No one would spend so much money customizing it only to just leave it.
"So why are you in Cali?" I asked, snuggling closer to him.
He gave me a closed-lip smile and put an arm around me. "I had business".
I narrowed my eyes. "What kind of business?" I asked, in a tone that suggested I thought he was there because of me.
"Art", he said simply.
"Hm", I mused. "I don't quite believe you".
He stood up and gave me a grin. "You seem to have a theory of your own on why I'm here", he said picking up our bowls and heading to the kitchen. The sun had just set, the cabin was darker.
I watched him as he returned to the living area, lighting some candles randomly placed and illuminating the room in a warm orange glow. It made the place look romantic, and just the thought of that made my cheeks burn.
He joined me on the couch.
"There are brighter lights, but I prefer the dimness of the candles. If you want bright light..." he said and I cut in.
"It's fine", I said quickly, willing the redness undoubtedly on my cheeks to go away.
He got inside the blanket and made himself comfortable. We weren't lying together now so I missed the feel of his skin against mine.
"So, why do you think I'm here?" he asked with a teasing smile.
"I don't know, it's just odd", I said.
"Unless you give me an alternative you'll have to believe me", he said.
I sighed. He wasn't in California because of me. We were right back where we started, where we rightfully were supposed to be, but it didn't feel right. I couldn't accept us meeting as a coincidence, because then everything would mean nothing. I didn't know what I wanted it to mean, but I wanted it to mean something.
"Okay", I conceded quietly.
There was some silence. He seemed to be deep in thought. I could see frown lines slowly forming on his forehead.
"Why a cabin in the woods?" I asked.
He looked at me like he was confused. "The cabin...why not an apartment in town or a hotel room?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I like the location".
"Because you are able to shoot at bottles without any interruption?" I mocked.
"Yeah, pretty much", he said.
"Gosh you are weird", I said lowly.
"That isn't so bad. You like me anyway", he said.
I had comebacks for everything. I had no comeback for that. Felix had caught me off guard with his words, not that there was any instance he'd find me prepared. He'd said the L word and I didn't spring into defense, snarky or mock mode. I couldn't confirm or deny.
He looked at me with what could be taken for triumph in his eyes. I instinctively rolled my eyes. He gave me a confident smile.
"Can we talk about something else?" I said, hoping my voice didn't come out as desperate as I was. I was in danger of turning pink. Felix's smile was just beautiful and strong. His eyes were mesmerizing.
"Sure", he said with confidence. "Let's play a game".
"Guess the killer?" I asked giving him a mocking smile.
"I was going to suggest 'guess the blushing boy' but that's fine too", he said.
"I was not blushing!" I said, enunciating every word.
"Well, considering that I never said you were, you are ahead of yourself Pancakes", he said.
I glared at him and cursed myself for being so easily provoked. Sure Felix had beautiful dark enchanting eyes and lips that looked so delectable in the light of the candles – were those candles scented? I could smell light scents of vanilla, sandalwood and pear. It was a sort of enchanting smell. My mind was slowly drifting into a haze. I closed my eyes and then the memories came back. It was the third scent that reminded me of my time in Felix's bed. I had just dumped almost all of his shower gel on me; pear and bergamot scented.
In my mind's eye I could see the two of us on his bed, kissing and moving to a rhythm that brought unbridled pleasure. I could remember how his touches had felt. I could see the lust in his eyes and remember the pleasure swimming in my veins before going all the way to my bones. I felt a new kind of weakness falling onto my body.
"Pancakes? You aren't still weak, are you?" Felix broke the spell.
I instantly opened my eyes, cursing myself yet again for that moment of weakness. I couldn't be hypnotized by a scent –seriously? Even if that scent opened my senses to a new experience and aroused me I had to snap out of it.
"I'm better", I said.
He sighed. "You should be okay tomorrow".
"Are those –Are those scented?" I asked pointing at some of the candles. There were about 5 in the room.
"Yes. Is it the scent? We can switch to the lights", he said quickly, standing up.
"No!" I said and I could swear that wasn't something my mind wanted me to say. My body was betraying me. "Um, it's fine. I was just wondering".
He sat down. "I find the scent calming", he shared.
I took a deep breath. "I think I'm ready to go to bed now".
"Oh...um...sure. Let me show you the bedroom" he said. He sounded disappointed initially, but quickly picked himself up.
We got up from the couch and he led me to the bedroom. It turned out the cabin had only one bedroom. Felix prepared the bed for me, putting an extra blanket. The light there was brighter. He said he would sleep on the couch as I got into bed.
He sat on the couch in the room. I raised a brow.
"You are still weak and I told you I'd look after you. I'll leave when you fall asleep", he said.
I turned my head to the side and closed my eyes. It was a little after 7:30 pm and my body wasn't ready to rest. I'd only decided to go to bed because of my weakness earlier. If I stayed I was in danger of doing something drastic.
Felix didn't seem to have a clue why I was running away from him and I was glad. I could not let him know he was the only thing on my mind at that moment. He had no clue just how much I wanted to kiss him, how much I wanted intimacy between us. It was a ridiculous fantasy with no explanation.
I sighed audibly. The object of my thoughts was just feet away from me. He was perched up on his couch probably feeling sorry for me. If he knew...
"Are you okay?" he asked suddenly.
I turned, opening my eyes.
"You sighed".
"I'm fine", I groaned.
"Did I do something?" he asked softly.
"You talked", I said.
"Before that. You asked about the scents and suddenly you wanted to sleep", he said.
"I'm just tired", I said softly. I couldn't tell him that his damn scented candles had made me remember the night in his bedroom.
"Okay", he said.
I turned and closed my eyes. Felix didn't leave. He didn't leave my mind either. How was I supposed to fall asleep when he was everywhere?
"You know how some people have shy bladders?" I mumbled, without turning this time.
"Yeah?" he faithfully replied.
"I can't sleep while you are looking at me", I said.
"I'm not looking at you. I'm reading a magazine", he said. "And besides, you've slept in my arms twice".
"It was different", I said pulling the blanket over my head.
"Right", he said. I imagined he was rolling his eyes while shaking his head. "The first time you'd practically moaned my name before it happened".
My eyes widened under the blanket. The cheek of that guy! It was a good thing my face was under the blanket. I was furiously blushing in embarrassment and anger. How could he just say it like that? It was as if he knew I was thinking of it.
Silence.
"You better still be alive in there", he said.
"Fuck you", I retorted.
"I'm leaving. Get some rest", he said brightly.
I could hear footsteps leaving the room after that. At the door he said, "Sweet dreams Pancakes".
I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. I didn't sleep for a while. I thought back to the moment I noticed the scent in the room. For a moment I wanted something. I just didn't know what. Or I did, I just didn't want to acknowledge it.
I tossed and turned and ended up getting out of bed. Felix wasn't in the room. I tiptoed to the living area, careful not to wake him up if he was asleep. I didn't want to deal with him. All but one of the candles had been extinguished. I could smell vanilla in the room. It reminded me of my own cologne.
I stood behind the couch Felix was sprawled on. His magazine was upside down and lying on his chest. I put my arms on top of the couch back and glanced at the man lying there.
His mouth moved. "You shouldn't do that".
I probably should have expected it. He was too alert for his own good. I had no doubt he never had a good night's rest.
"What? I didn't do anything", I said shrugging.
He opened his eyes. "You snuck up on me. Now, it might be fun to try and scare me, but I really don't want to break your back", he said. "If I just for a second thought you were someone else you'd be sprawled on the floor right now".
"Gosh man, chill! Do you even know how to relax?" I said.
"I know of one way", he said. There was a suggestive tone in his voice.
"Maybe you should call your hooker then", I said indignantly. I was about to stomp to his bedroom when I felt a hand on my arm.
"I don't solicit hookers anymore", he said.
"Again, not my business", I said. "Can you let go?"
"After you tell me what you were doing here", he said defiantly.
"I was thirsty...and...passed by to see if you were asleep", I lied.
"You couldn't sleep", he said firmly.
"Yeah well you chose to live in the woods. This place of yours is a little uncomfortable", I said. It wasn't the place. It was just him. Honestly, it was just me. I was frustrating myself. It was a good thing I was leaving the next day.
"I can keep you company if you are scared", he suggested. "I can't sing but I know boring stories that will send you to sleep".
He seemed eager to help. I didn't know if I could trust myself with him in that moment when beautiful images were playing in my head. They weren't old; they were new and had never happened.
"Okay fine", I said.
He got up from the couch and followed me to the room. "My neck is already a little stiff", he said as we walked.
"You have no right to complain. I had to sleep sitting up after you shackled me to your beloved chair", I said.
"I didn't take you for the revengeful type", he said.
"Well I am", I said pointing him to the couch as we got into the room.
"Seriously?" he asked.
"Yes. Make yourself comfortable", I said as I jumped into bed.
I turned to my side and smiled. Having Felix in the room made me feel at ease. I was yielding a little to my body's wants. There was no point in fighting with myself. I had tried that. It had ended with me going to the source of my frustration, showing me I had to stop fighting.
There was enough space between Felix and I. He was close enough for me to be assured and far enough for me to not go crazy and do stupid things.
"So besides revenge, what else do you want?" he asked
"From you?" I asked.
"I was thinking in general, but you could answer that too", he said.
I didn't think about answering what I wanted from him. I couldn't even start considering that or I'd want to kick him out of the room again.
"Get through college, find a good job, still have my friends, travel the world, take amazing pictures, maybe have a gallery, get married, have kids..." I said and he interjected.
"You like kids?!"
"Yeah. They are cute", I said.
"I like kids too", he said.
I raised my head. "You like kids?"
"What? A seasoned killer can't like kids?" he said shrugging.
"It's just unexpected I guess", I said putting my head back on the pillow.
There was a bit of a silence before he spoke. "My "target" is a 5 year old, the son of Thomas Gonzalez –a drug lord who moved into the Vasiliev territory. They want him out. He's too big to just take out. So they want his prized possession out. The man won't cave for anything except his young son".
"I don't get why they want you", I said.
"I can get into places many can't and I'm good at removing traces and making things look natural. They want Gonzalez broken and unable to point a finger at the culprits. Then they'll swoop in on his business. It's a power play", he said. "They know murdering the son will start a gang war, so they want him to die of natural causes".
"How did they know about you?" I asked. I sounded a bit like I was pleading.
"I trained in Russia. They are Russians. I had a mentor who unknown to me has been keeping tabs on me and not doing quite a good job of it", he said.
I sighed. "I hope you get out of this alive". It was only a few seconds before those words that I realized Felix was in danger. If those people insisted, he was going to kill or be killed. What if he couldn't kill them all? What if they decided he knew too much and came for him? He could ...be gone. I'd gone two months without seeing him and it had been terrible.
I built up enough courage to say the next words. "Um...I was wondering if you'd like to sleep on the bed".
I didn't look at him to see his reaction. "You are afraid I'm going to die?"
"Gosh it's so creepy when you read my mind like that", I said and only realized a second later what I had just admitted.
The bed didn't swallow me like I hoped it would.
Felix got up from the couch and joined me in bed. I looked at the opposite wall. I could feel the bed move as he adjusted his position. I felt his arm move under the blanket to wrap around my waist. I could sense his head just close to mine. I felt his hot breath when he said,
"I'm not going to die Pancakes. I promise you".
I relaxed into the intimate position.
"You better not", I said closing my eyes.
With Felix close to me I felt sleep creeping in and I welcomed it, feeling a lot at ease.
"Where do you want to travel?" he asked softly.
"France", I said peacefully.
I couldn't be sure if he'd said the next part or if I had dreamt it, but the last words I heard that night were,
"Maybe I'll take you to France someday Pancakes".