Stockholm Syndrome? - Chapter 33: Chapter 33

Every minute that I sat on the plastic chair felt like a decade. I was oblivious to the sounds in the hospital, which was both good and bad. In my bubble state, all I could think of was Felix and all the blood I'd seen in his chest. If I for a second got out of my bubble, I heard doctors and nurses shouting all sorts of color codes and running this way or that way with defibrillators and all sorts of machines. I was becoming familiar with what the colors meant and I didn't like it. People were dying around me.
I turned the earpod agent Marx had given me around in my hand. I took it to my ear slowly. I was hoping to hear something from the OR, but I heard nothing. Felix obviously did not have the wire or whatever he called it on him anymore. The clothes he'd been wearing had obviously been substituted with a hospital gown. I sighed.
I looked up just in time to see Stella and Clark speed-walking towards me along the corridor. I was happy to see them. I'd gone for longer without seeing them, but that time was different. Somewhere in that hospital my heart was dying. I needed to talk to someone or I risked going crazy.
The duo got to me.
Stella engulfed me in a hug despite how filthy I was. Clark hugged us both and I just broke down. All was quiet except my sobs. The hospital wasn't quiet, but for me all that existed was my friends around me and the guy whose heart I'd physically touched.
I sniffed. Stella wasn't letting go. I pushed a bit out of the hug, certain I was getting snort on her jumper. She provided me with a tissue and inspected me like a loving mother. She spotted the blood on my jean.
"Superstar what happened?" she finally asked.
"Can I tell you later? I just...my leg is fine Stella, stop trying to use your x-ray vision to see through my jean. I have a cut. It just needed stitches, that's all", I said.
She looked away sheepishly.
"Archer, you have blood on your face and t-shirt", Clark said, concerned. He was telling me a cut on my leg couldn't explain that.
"It's not mine", I managed to say.
They both looked at me with expectant faces. I didn't have the strength to admit to someone else how scared I was about Felix, but my friends' faces won me over.
"It's Felix's blood. He...um...remember the guy I told you I spent the weekend with?" I said and they both nodded.
"Some people kidnapped me to get him to do something. Things happened. He tried to save me...and got stabbed and now he's...he's fighting for his life", I said. It was the short version of events.
They didn't say anything, obviously shocked by the news.
"I love him", I said to no one in particular. "I love him so much and now he might die because I was stupid and did things he told me not to do".
That only increased my friends' silence. They obviously had no idea what things I was talking about. I could see Stella's eyes had deviated to the left like they always did when she was thinking.
"I don't under..." she started but my focus shifted.
Felix was being wheeled along the corridor. He'd been cleaned up but was still connected to some things. He had an oxygen mask around his mouth and nose.
I ran to the gurney as it passed.
"How's he?" I asked no one in particular.
"Sir, please move!" someone ordered sharply.
"I just want to know how he is", I said.
"Stable", the person said quickly.
A man held me back as the gurney moved along the corridor before entering a room. He let me go shortly and walked away.
Stella walked to me. "Is that him?"
I nodded as hot fat tears spilled. "They won't even tell me how he is".
She hugged me. I nestled my head on her shoulder for quite some time. The doctor who'd talked to me as the gurney passed walked out of the room and towards me. I thought she was walking towards me, but she just passed.
"Wait!" I yelled. "When can I see him?"
She looked me up and down. "Who are you?"
"I..." I said.
She looked at the file in her hand. "Only family allowed"
"I..." I said again, not able to continue.
"He's a stab victim. I..."
"He's his fiancé", Stella said shoving me forward. "I'm sure that makes him family".
The doctor narrowed her eyes. "How did you get that blood on you?"
"If you'd bothered reading that file you'd know!" I yelled. "Now, can I see my fiancé or will I have to sue you first?"
I wasn't even sure what I'd sue her for, but I was getting angry.
She looked at the file. "The only person I have here is..."
"Archer", I completed for her. "For fuck's sake, I gave all the details in that file. I had my hand on his heart. Not on his skin, on his bloody heart! I deserve to see him!" I was yelling and I didn't care.
A nurse walked up to us and whispered something in the doctor's ear.
"Look, I'm sorry. When we have victims of crime, we have to take extra precautions to make sure they are safe here. I apologize Mr. Christensen", the doctor said. "Felix is in the post-anesthesia care unit. He has been out of surgery for a while but he's still out. Fortunately for you, he's the only one there and the nurse has taken a liking to you so you can see him. You have only a few minutes, but if another patient is wheeled in, you'll be asked to leave".
I nodded quickly, not even bothering to ask what she meant by "...out of surgery for a while". Was Felix's surgery completed while some man was listening to my lungs? Why hadn't they told me?
"Very well, follow me", the doctor said.
Stella squeezed my hand and I smiled a little.
I followed the doctor down the corridor. "How's he?" I asked as we walked.
"He had a small laceration of his left ventricle. The surgeons were able to plug the hole. Surgery went well. He's stable. We are just monitoring him for now", she replied.
I nodded. We got to the room. It was adjacent to another OR. She opened the door and led me in. It looked largely empty except for Felix, who was lying on the bed at the far end. There was a glass room next to him where I could see a nurse going through a book.
I walked over to Felix and the doctor went to say something to the nurse, who waved a little to me. Odds are she already knew about my finger and Felix's heart. It was probably why I had been let in there.
Felix was lying peacefully with his arms at his sides. He had a nasal cannula on his face. The oxygen mask had been removed. That gave me a little bit of relief. I watched the doctor leave the room, her sharp heels making clicking noises on the floor.
I turned back to Felix.
"H-Hey", I said. It was more like I croaked. "Hey", I tried again and sniffed. "I miss you. I don't know if you can hear me, but...I want you to get well Felix. Agent Marx said they raided all the places so your plan was a success. They ended up having to kill the brothers. He called you a hero. I think you did great".
I touched his arm slowly. He flinched and blinked. Two more blinks and his eyes fully opened.
"The light is too bright", he said slowly.
His words were slow; my heart was doing more than a hundred beats a minute. I was sure that wasn't healthy, but I was just so happy.
"Hey, you are awake!" I said excitedly. "I don't think they can dim the light for you", I said apologetically.
"Where am I?" he asked.
"Hospital, you've just had surgery", I said.
The nurse walked to us then, realizing that Felix was awake.
"Hi", she said to him. "How are you feeling?"
"Like my chest will burst" he said.
"You've just had heart surgery. I'll increase your pain meds. You are stable. Soon you'll be moved to your own room", she said and adjusted some things on his IV bag.
Felix's eyes looked up at me. "You stayed?"
"I couldn't leave you", I said.
"He had his finger over the hole in your heart, in a burning building!" the nurse chirped in excitedly.
I looked at her in disapproval and she gave me a sheepish look. She walked away to her station.
"You didn't have to stay", Felix said.
"Of course I had to stay. It makes sense why you pushed me away when I was hugging you. You saw him coming and you got me out of the way. It was meant to be me lying there, not you. But that's not why I stayed. I love you Felix", I said.
He didn't say anything. He just shook his head.
Telling him I loved him hoping he could hear me was different from telling him when I knew he could hear me. He had the potential to break my heart. I'd said the words. The ball was now in his court.
I waited for another reaction, but nothing came.
"I'm glad you are okay", I said quietly.
"Archer I can't do this", he said. His voice wasn't clear, but I heard the words that froze time for me. I just stood there, not knowing what to say.
"Do you want me to go?" I finally said.
He nodded, sending a dagger right through my heart. Unlike his, surgery couldn't fix mine. The pain seared through everything in its path.
I nodded painfully. "Ok". I turned to walk away.
"I love you", he said firmly. "I love you so much that it hurts. I just can't be with you".
"Why not Felix?!" I said. My voice rose and the nurse gave me a warning look behind her station.
"I love you and that's why I can't be with you. I don't want to put you through this again. I thought about it when I heard you cry. Pancakes with me you will be in danger. I can't do that to you", he said.
"No, you can't do that to yourself. You feel guilty even though it's not your fault. You don't want to feel like that again", I said.
Having that discussion after Felix had just come out of general anesthesia was not a good idea, but the can had already been opened.
"I cannot hurt you again", he simply said.
"By not giving us a chance, you are hurting me! I'd take physical pain over this", I said.
"You are making an emotional blind decision. I am not good for you", he said.
"And maybe it is stupid, but I'd make it again. I want to be with you, the screwed up creepy you. I want you", I said.
"I've longed to hear you say those last words", he said and I saw tears trickle down his cheek. He shook his head. "But I can't put you in danger. Archer I just can't".
"What happened to biting the bullet and staying? Do you remember in your basement you said you would stay? You told me if the person you loved was in danger by being with you you'd bite the bullet and stay!" I said.
I was stubborn by nature. I just didn't know when to quit.
"That was then. We talked about being objective and being subjective and how experiences influence our decisions. I didn't know how much I'd be in love and how it would feel almost losing you. Having experienced it, it changes my view of things", he said.
I took a deep breath. Before I could reply the nurse told us Felix would be moved to his own room soon.
She left to look through her computer.
I put my hand around Felix's slowly. "When I walk out that door..." I said and looked at the door. "...I won't come back again".
"Archer..." he said but I shook my head.
"I'll give you what you want Felix", I said and squeezed his hand.
I walked away feeling sick. My legs were heavy. I couldn't cry even though I wanted to do it badly. My body felt like a million toxins were running through it. I wanted nothing but to collapse onto a bed and sleep for however long it took me to get over Felix. I wanted to erase the idiot from my consciousness. At the same time I wanted to be with him. That seemed to grow stronger the more I walked. The torture was unbearable.
"Archer, wait!"
I turned back to the person that had uttered those words. Felix was trying to sit up, something that sent the nurse into a frenzy.
"I'm screwed up and still creepy. Do you still want me?"
I was stunned.
"Ever since that night we spend together, all I wanted was to protect you from criminals, rapists, and men like me. The last thing I wanted was to put you in danger while trying to do so..." he said and the nurse tried to help him. He stopped her with his hand. "Pancakes, I've spent most of my life righting wrongs, with you I want to prevent that. But I also want to make you happy because along the way I fell in love. I've realized both are important, and I can't make you happy if I'm not in your life. I used to regard love as the worst feeling to have, but I love you. So will you...do you still want me?"
I walked back to him, with my footsteps lighter than before.
"I still want you", I said when I got to him.
The nurse was looking at us like she was watching a movie. I was certain if someone handed her popcorn she wouldn't be surprised at all.
"Then you have me Pancakes", he said and added, "...but you will have to listen to me when it comes to your safety".
"Shh, can you annoy me later? I want to enjoy this moment. And you should really lie down now", I said. The nurse agreed and helped Felix lie down.
Once again, my heart was doing a thousand somersaults. I was happy, and I was certain the smile on my face showed it. I hadn't expected Felix to love me back. I'd gone for so long refusing to acknowledge my feelings because I thought he didn't feel the same way. When I did acknowledge them, I chose to create boundaries between us so I could get over him. The moment he admitted his feelings for me was surreal. I would forever remember it, even though the words that followed were unpleasant.
He not wanting to be with me because of his overprotectiveness wasn't a shocker. Once I knew he loved me I knew it was only a matter of time before he felt guilty and made stupid decisions. I was glad he was finally letting love overrule his protective instinct.
I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "You are so cliché, but I love you".
He raised a brow.
"Waiting for the moment before I stepped out of the room? That's like a scene from a movie. But I swear I am going to make you pay for that because it was torture", I said.
He smiled a little. "I'm sorry Pancakes. I love you".
I just looked at him. Stockholm syndrome? I'll leave it for you to decide because I've made my own decisions. I loved Felix. He was crazy and creepy and screwed up and sometimes plain stupid; and I loved him. He'd crept into my heart with me unaware until I was entangled in his web of mystery and danger.
"I have a request", I said.
"From now on it's just you and I. Screw the cops and the DEA and everyone. I meant my promise to you. I made it to myself too", he said.
"It's not that. I wanted to ask you to tell me things, keep me in the loop"
He nodded right before the nurse said, "Your room is ready".
I smiled at him and he smiled back. My shoulders relaxed. Felix wasn't hundred percent okay, but he was going to be okay. I was okay and healthy. The worst was finally over. Technically, the worst had been over for a while, but when Felix chose protecting me over loving me, I had felt like my heart had been literally shredded.
"You were brave", he whispered.
"Love isn't always a terrible feeling", I said mocking him. "Sometimes it makes us stupid and sometimes it makes us brave".