Straight Boys - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

I had a lot to think about.
First of all, what the fuck?
Second of all, what the fuck?
I stared after Corbett Connors as he walked back into the corridor of straggling teens rushing to class before the final tardy bell rang. He slipped in between two girls, barely brushing one of their bags and quickly - almost nervously from the uneven step sizes he took - strode to his first class. He, maybe trying to use his manipulative skills on me, turned his head just the slightest bit and made eye contact with me; me, who was still stuck in that odd corner of our school with nothing but a janitor's closet to the left of me, and a storage closet to the right.
He narrowed his eyes, but his whole face screamed relief for some reason. And then he faced forward and turned down a different hall and out of site.
So I had a lot to think about.
What was wrong with Corbett? Why did he act like that?
What was he thinking?
No, more importantly, what was he going to do?
I sighed in annoyance, crossing my arms. I dropped against the wall behind me in utter defeat, not knowing what I was going to do. I couldn't really do anything as of right then. I couldn't make myself go to class, so I was going to miss it, and all because of that prick. I didn't care that I was going to be late to class, though. Maybe my teacher would understand. I was having a crisis here!
Corbett Connors had video evidence of me and Zachary Rogers kissing. He could blackmail me. Well, isn't that what he was doing now? He was definitely blackmailing me, and maybe Zach as well. Oh God, what was I going to do?
The bell rang, and it rang slightly louder than it had ever before. It was probably because I was agitated, angry, annoyed, whatever you could call someone who was about to have more mental breakdowns in a hallway, than they had ever had in all of their life.
I was very susceptible to mental breakdowns these past couple of months, and I was starting to hate it. I hated losing control, being so vulnerable.
Slowly sliding down the white bricks, I took a much needed seat in that fucking corner, and, with my legs limply stretched out in front of me, I dropped my head into my hands; as if holding my own thoughts would help me to pick out the best solution among the disarray and chaos clotting my mind.
Corbett Connors knew everything.
Corbett Connors was a whirlwind I would probably never understand; and that little chat we had a minute or two before only further proved that fact. He was a landmine I didn't know I had stepped on until he showed me how explosive he seemed to really be, how so lost and untouched he was until I took a step in the wrong direction and he blew me to fucking pieces.
Corbett Connors was obviously unstable, and even I could see that in the way he so suddenly changed his facial expressions and emotions like he was trying not to show me what really was going on.
What really was going on?
All I knew - or didn't really know per say - was that, if Zachary found out about how Corbett Connors held me, held me seemingly so lightly like - and as I come to think of it - like he was afraid, would he really care like I cared so much that he runs back to Taylor Haynes every day, leaving me behind to breathe in his dirty dust of second thoughts and secrets?
Would he go crazy like I do every single time I see him and that scanty girl kiss because he somehow saw Corbett Connors trying to kiss me? Trying? He barely kissed you, yet that's still a kiss, isn't it?
Sighing for a second time, feeling my heart palpitate nervously, I let go of my face and let my head bang against the bricks uncomfortably.
Corbett Connors was going to kiss me for real!
I was so confused.
And the fact that he told me Zachary was the reason he got suspended because he told Mr. Johannes everything that happened in the cafeteria was, well surprising. So I guess I knew that much.
I guess I also knew Corbett Connors wanted things to go back to the way they were. Don't we all, though? He wanted it to be when Zachary and I hated each other, though. I didn't want to go back to that. Not ever.
But... was he giving me a choice?
He was going to use that video somehow, in some way, and I was fucking shaking thinking about the consequences that would ensue if he ever showed anybody that video.
Zachary would know the whole truth, and from what happened when he was sober and we kissed alone... I don't know.
His relationship with Taylor would most likely fall apart in all the wrong ways. They shouldn't have to break up like that. That's no way to end things, to find things out.
People would probably start talking shit. I never minded them doing that it the past, but kids can be mean. And when you yourself are still trying to figure shit out, with all these troubling insults and odd looks being thrown your way, nothing would ever help, only drag you down. And if they talk shit about me, then they would be bound to talk shit about Zachary as well. Everybody loved him - surprising, right? - so would they still love him if they found out that he kissed a boy? Not everyone is open minded at all.
And since this was such a close-knit school, all the parents knew each other and each other's kids, they would most definitely find out. My dad would know that I so blatantly didn't just like girls, but boys, too; and this was not the best time in his life - in my life - to be throwing questionable things out into the open.
This time, a pained sigh left the back of my throat. It hurt because of all this thinking.
Thinking is a dangerous game to play when you are in trouble.
But, unbeknownst to my own, imploding self, the sound was louder than just a sigh - maybe it was a cry for help - and it danced down the hall, bumping into the ears of Zachary Rogers. And before I knew what was happening, hands were frantically sliding me back up the wall and his voice was screaming at me.
I couldn't hear him, though. I couldn't hear anything, I was so far gone.
I hadn't noticed it before, but I was losing sight of what was right in front of me. My vision was tunneling and the reason I had sat down in the first place was because my legs were numbing, they were shaking, and so they couldn't hold me up.
I had been shaking the whole time since Corbett had left.
And since my first sigh, I hadn't breathed back in. I had breathed all the air left in my lungs out.
Was I having a panic attack?
I looked up at Zach, only being able to see the flawless skin of his face, his dark eyes and moving lips, every other part was black or blurred. I was unable to hear my name shoving its way passed his teeth and trying to wake me up. His hands, which were holding me up against the wall, pushed me further back against it, almost painfully crushing my shoulders. It was because I couldn't hold myself up. And when I tried again to breathe, a sudden wave of nausea crushed my insides.
I helplessly tried to breathe in and out, in and out, steadily, but my throat was closed for business. My throat was aching, burning, contracting as I tried to breathe. I couldn't breathe. God I couldn't breathe!
I was having a panic attack.
My eyes started watering and this spin took over my head, doubling my vision. I had to try really hard to focus all my strength and attention onto the boy in front of me trying to wake me from this drowning trance. I was too broken to help him help me, though.
Too much shit had definitely gone on in my life and I was finally breaking. How lovely.
Zachary kept saying something, but my ears were the dams and his words were the water that wasn't able to flow through them. I tried to listen, but it was like my body was rejecting anything I tried to get it to do. Lift my arms? Not a chance. Stand on my own? No way! Breath in? How do you do that? Say something? Can't. Try to do anything close to fix whatever the hell was happening to me? All attempts to do just that were not working out. I could just barely tell, if I paid long enough attention, that Zachary was starting to get frantic; he didn't know what to do.
I tried to tell him not to worry, even though I had never really had a panic attack before, but my voice was stuck beneath the lodged air. I must have looked like a blubbering fish, with my mouth opening and closing silently. It hurt trying to get myself to talk, so I stopped trying all together.
Zachary looked worried, looked helpless. He just didn't know what to do, and neither did I. I had no fucking clue how to calm down, and that only worsened the attack.
What had Corbett Connors done to me?
Or better yet, had I been trying too hard to hold myself up for too long, that I had finally reached that tipping point? Had I lost all my strength because of one measly party?
Then, like he had no other choice, Zachary gently moved one of his hands from the vice-like grip it had ahold of me, and so slowly, so softly, he roamed his fingers over the curve of my neck. He cupped my jaw ever so slightly, his palm an the cusp of gripping onto my face, but not quite there yet. His other hand, which was holding all of me up, let go of my shoulder, and it caused my body to slump down; but he quickly stepped forward to use his own body to hold me up. With his other hand now free, Zachary ran his thumb over my cheeks, prickling my skin with each swipe. Both if his thumbs caressed my face with a protective-like feeling to their touch; and when I looked at Zachary, I could feel my heart rate slowing and limbs floating. His soft features were so calming to look at, so familiar, and then I could feel the film covering my senses slowly lifting, my vision clearing as he cleared the untouched tears lining my eyelids.
". . . ndrew. It's okay, Andrew, you're alright. Calm down. You're alright, buddy. Everything is going to be al... right." I could now hear the echo of Zachary's voice, and the feeling in my limbs started to come back to life.
Painstakingly slow, one of my arms rose up so that my shaking hand could grab ahold of Zach's forearm. My other arm played follow the leader, and then I was gripping onto Zachary for dear life.
His eyes were wide, but he had forced this calm look over his features, and it worked in calming myself. His lips were parted, and even with all my senses diluted, I could still feel his anxious puffs of breath leaving his own lungs. "You're okay, Andrew. No one is going to hurt you again. I'm here. Just breathe. Please, you gotto breathe, or you'll pass out, okay? Breathe, Andrew. Breathe. I'm right here. I'm not gonna leave you. I'll never leave you again."
And like a switch, my lungs turned on and I took in a deep inhale of air. It hurt to breathe, and the sudden intake of oxygen made me weaker than I thought. Maybe my body was in shock. It was so shocked, it shut down and Zachary had to push further against my body to catch me.
And then I started breathing in more, taking breath after breath in to my lungs to try and kick start some semblance of normalcy. Zachary, finally seeing me breathe, exhaled his own breath in relief, dropping his head against my shuttering shoulder. "You're okay." He mumbled, barely lifting his head away from my shoulder to hold his eyes to mine, his eyes so close to mine. His body so close to mine. His heart so close to mine. His words so close to reality, yet I still couldn't believe him. I wasn't okay. Nothing was alright. He was never going to stay.
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Oh my gosh. Surprise...
Take a shot everytime you read the word Breath(e).
Just so all of you know, this is how I kind of pictured last chapter's part where Corbett was just barely kissing Andrew and then Andrew was like "Fuck you, no." Just almost like this but there are some differences.
VVV
This gif is from HIStory 2: Crossing The Line. It's a Boy Love web series that is the first ever gay show I watched and my absolute favorite. The English subtitled version can be found on Youtube. There are like 8 episodes that can definitely all be watched in a day because they're all less than 30 minutes. Gaaaaaahhhh I love that drama. Hmmmmmmm
But anyway I'm sorry. Panic Attacks are rough and there are all different forms of panic attacks. I know I have very different kinds of attacks, some where I hyperventilate and have to stick my head in a pillow to literally stop myself from breathing too much, others where I'm sitting on the floor of my bathroom next to the toilet because I feel like I'm gonna throw up, but I can't because I'm too busy suffocating from lack of air, which is because I cant breathe out, I'm just breathing in because I cant do anything else. Those ones hurt the most.
So yeah. I dont know if any of you have ever had an attack like Andrew's panic attack, but that attack was justifiable right? Blackmail is serious and Andrew had been through so much already.
I hope you guys didn't hate it.
As always, questions, inquiries, theories???
And the questions for today:
Did you believe the words Zachary was saying to Andy?
How did Zachary find Andrew anyway?
What is Andrew going to do after going through all the shit Corbett could cause? Will he stay or will he go? Will he ignore him or confront him?
Has the story progressed like you thought it would? How did you think this story would have been like?
And finally, do you think Corbett will show everyone that video he has?
This story is at it's like halfway point I think. Oof. Idk. I have to find the climax and add in more about Andrew's mom. We're getting there.
As always LIKE and COMMENT please!!! I am a whore for you guys' love. You all are lovely so it's a plus (: