Straight Boys - Chapter 43: Chapter 43

Andrew's POV
I felt my eyebrows fold together as I studied Corbett Connors in front of me.
"Tell that to Mandy."
Mandy Hartfield? As in the flowery, nice, sweet girl that has a crush on me. The younger cheerleader that has never said a word of hate about anybody since I've come to know her. The same girl who is Corbett's family, his blood? That Mandy?
"If this is some joke you're pulling, Corbett, I swear to fucking God. If you've just been yanking my chain this whole god damn time, I'm gonna lose it. Mandy? Mandy? Seriously, that doesn't even make sense! She's- She's- She's Mandy for christ's sake! She once begged me to go to Homecoming because she thought it would make me feel better! She doesn't - she wouldn't. . .," But as I kept staring into Corbett's almost black eyes now, even I stopped believing the words that were coming out of my mouth.
Corbett wasn't laughing, he wasn't looking like he'd just been caught telling some huge lie. No. He looked serious, but most of all just beaten down and broken. He didn't look like the manipulative, overbearing jock that bullies his way through school. He looked different.
He looked new; or maybe it was just me actually seeing him and not just looking through him.
I guess when I had opened my eyes to the boy in front of me, I had really opened my eyes. I was really understanding everything.
That time Mandy told us she used to be close to Corbett.
All the times she and Zach have ever been around each other, and how he always had that look in his eyes; like he really understood Mandy and her intentions.
His sarcastic remarks.
The little things she does that surprise me every single time: the way she can down a bottle of jack and not feel anything; or the way she can be so aggressive around Gretchen Yondi.
I was finally sort of getting it; or at least I hoped I was.
Mandy Hartfield showed everyone at school what she wanted us to believe she was; but from what I was hearing from Corbett Connors - a guy I had literally no reserves about punching the day lights out of ten minutes ago - that person was the exact opposite of who she was to an extent; and I was suddenly believing him.
Should I believe him?
The evidence was substantial . It had so many things backing it and holding it together that it was hard not to believe. And it was making me want to kick my own ass for not seeing it earlier.
And again I was back to Annie's stupid words! This grand old life lesson that's so fucking cliche I should have known better, but I didn't. I was just too blind, too wrapped up in myself to really see with my eyes and not just look.
People truly aren't what we always see them to be. We can't judge a book by its cover. The oldest trick in the book.
And I should have fucking known.
I was so awe stricken with myself that I couldn't help the snort that came from the back of my throat, and I couldn't help the sensation that was building up in my stomach, causing my mouth to sting with the acidic burn of bile, and my lips to twitch uncontrollably. It was this feeling - this incredible feel of maybe empathy for how Corbett was feeling - that I couldn't control my next move. It felt like I was going to die.
I felt so lost, so confused with these waves of emotions, that I couldn't stop the watery laughter from spilling out of my mouth. I was stuck in the cafeteria all over again, getting my ass kicked by the boy standing in front of me and just completely losing it and laughing like I had nothing to lose. I was laughing, but not at anything. Not at a joke or some stupid, masochistic belief that I harbored about myself. I was laughing for no other reason other than being so completely livid with myself.
It was this gut wrenching laugh that started in my stomach, climbing itself through my throat, choking me with its tight hold, shaking my knees, and locking my fingers into a perfect picture of strain and tension. If anybody else was around, they would have stared at me like I was crazy.
Because I felt so crazy. I was crazy to believe that anything in my life would be so great - that some girl I had put in this pretty and prestine and innocent picture was actually someone I didn't even know; that I was a poor judge of character, and everybody I had ever thought I had known ended up being someone I would never have guessed because I was too blind, too caught up in my own little bubble. That that dumb jock I used to hate was actually someone I could end up being really close to; and that thick headed boy I always saw as some manipulative bully was actually dealing with his own shit.
Everything was changing. Everything was becoming so clear, yet so fogged that I couldn't see where I was going anymore. One moment I'm on the road to graduating and leaving this school behind and all these idiots, the next I'm on the verge of losing half my family, people keep popping into my life, and they're all becoming people I never thought I would actually be able to see, that I would actually get so close yet so far away from them as well.
I didn't know what to think anymore, how to process anything anymore. Everything was becoming so hard to figure out, too hard to handle, too much to take in all at once.
Event after event, shock after shock, moments like these coming out of nowhere - when I didn't even know these people past what I thought of them - it was becoming all too much all at once. And as I doubled over, my laugh was suddenly sounding more like a wild wail, and had I suddenly fallen to to my knees on the sidewalk? Was I crying? I could feel my cheeks dampening with the tears that seemed to be leaking from my crinkled eyes.
Why was I crying? Why was I on the ground?
Why did everything have to become so complicated so quickly?
I just wanted my life to go back to normal.
No more Corbett Connors telling me his deepest darkest secrets.
No more Mandy Hartfield pretending to be someone she wasn't, befriending me and being friendly towards me when I have hardly known her, out of the blue and like all this is going to matter after I graduate in less than a year.
No more Zachary Rogers and his bipolar moods, his sudden friendship and something more mixed in; coming onto me and making me feel weird feelings.
No more Taylor Haynes.
No more Gretchen Yondi.
No more Annie O'Phanny.
No more hospitals.
No more of anything!
"Andrew?"
I heaved at the sound of my name rolling off of Corbett's lips.
"Are you alright?"
I inhaled, exhaled, and inhaled like it was habit - seeming to be something I had been doing a lot lately - and felt myself start to tremble from the sudden information overload I was feeling. It was all too much, all too fast.
I could feel the panic in me rising to the surface. And it was weird. I knew none of this was as big a deal as I was making it out to be. I just couldn't help it. I was done with all these changes going on in my life, one happening right after the other and virtually giving me no time to cope and prepare for the next big thing to happen. I couldn't control anything anymore.
As I felt my back arching with the onslaught of nausea, this sudden pressure at the base of my shoulder blades had the muscles in my back tightening and my shoulders hunching. I froze.
"I -," the pressure rose and the heat of Corbett's body leaning closer to mine felt both warm and uncomfortable.
"Andrew!"
"Corbett!"
Then the pressure was gone and the coldness was all consuming. Distantly, as I clenched my jaw and fell forward onto my fists, I could hear footsteps running towards me and Corbett. There were more than one pair, and as I shakily lifted my head to see who was coming to watch this terrible display of weakness, all I could make out was old tennis shows and a pair of tie-up boots. Then I was back to leaning against the concrete because the nauseating feeling of shivers were running up my spine now and my throat felt itchy like I was going to throw up. I could only makeout bits and pieces of the three above me and they yelled at each other.
"What happened here -"
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't beat your -"
"Like you could, you jackass! Look at you! You're bleeding all over the place like some freshman and you can barely stand there without leaning against Annie like a -"
"Would you both please shut it! Andy looks really sick! We need to -"
"That doesn't mean I can't! Look what you've done to him! You're lucky I haven't already -"
"I was just telling him what I should have told him in the beginning! Before -"
"Oh God! Why didn't I just walk away when I had the chance! It's like I'm surrounded by a bunch of testosterone junkies! It's sicken -"
"What'd you tell him! That you're gay and your cousin is a two-faced witch who always has to have her way? That's real smart! Can't you see he's already in a bad place. Why'd you -"
"I had to! I told you, didn't I? We used to be friends, but I didn't even like you then, yet I still told you because you told me you're secret, so I had to tell this to the actual person I -"
"Wait wait wait. You knew? You knew everything from the beginning? Yet you didn't think to tell me, or - or Andy, or anyone?! You let all of this play out a-and you knew the whole time? What the hell is that about? What are you even playing at? Why -"
It was all too much.
Inhaling again, and again, and then exhaling once more, I licked my stinging lips and tried to yell at the three of them, but the only thing that came out was a pained mumble ". . . S-Stop. Stop it. . ."
But I was enough to get all the voices to stop at once. It was a rippling silence, and as I lifted my head up again - that tight feeling still straining my whole body and my insides and making me feel like I was about to implode - I could see everyone looking down at me in surprise after their philippic of one another.
"An -"
"- drew."
Zachary and Corbett threw daggers at each other when they both called out my name together. I narrowed my bleary and tear drowned eyes at the two boys above me, then at Annie.
"I've," I pause to take in an unsteady breath, "had enough of this. Please, stop." All three of them glanced between each other before Annie spoke up finally a second later.
"Andy. . . You don't look well. You need to go to the hospital." I shook my head.
I was done with hospitals.
No more hospitals.
"She's right, Andrew. I don't think your body can handle having another panic attack as big as this one is within a week of the last one." Zachary. I clenched my jaw harder at his voice.
He knew.
He knew something as big as Corbett's secret this whole time; and he acted like it wasn't even that big of a deal.
Scrounging for any ounce of strength and dignity I still had left, I picked myself up off the ground, using Corbett's car for support, and I gave Zachary the hardest glare I've ever mustered. Zachary's eyes widened in astonishment.
"Get away from me." My voice sounded hoarse, almost sad. I was sad. I was sad beyond belief; sad that my mom wasn't getting better, that I didn't know who Corbett really was like I thought I did, sad that I was feeling things so out of the ordinary and that I trusted Zachary, and it was just plain stupid. So stupid. I didn't want to see Zachary in that moment, mainly because he was the catalyst for everything else that has been happening to me in my life.
It was fucked up when my mom and sister got into an accident.
But it's more fucked up that I was centering my attention around stupid teenage problems like suddenly befriending the guy I had hated for most of my high school career and not really taking the time to understand him more, just letting everything happen. It was so fucked up. I was so caught up in all this, this drama and trying to understand my changing feelings and everyone else around me, that I was fucking killing myself trying to go back and forth between my emotions at school and at home.
I didn't want this life anymore.
Everything was too complicated, too much.
Too much.
I didn't want to see any of them!
"I said, get away from me! Leave me alone! All of you!" I threw my hand up like I was going to slap at them, but my arm was too weak. I was too weak.
Everything was just so draining.
All of it, it was so draining. It was draining the life out of me, little by little, until it finally emptied me dry of everything I was had.
I was so tired.
And before I knew it, the world was spinning. It looked like that Van Gogh painting, the one with the swirls and the beautiful night sky. It was a slow spin, a real drawn out swirl of everything escaping my body all at once, until the spinning images turned black and a high pitched scream followed the sound of my body hitting the pavement.