Sugar, Butter, Flour, and Love - Chapter 18: Chapter 18

I—
walking down the stairs
I see him sitting there
I am lost and found
"We can't try?" Hiroto sat down beside me on his couch and leaned into my shoulder. I was still hungover and totally not ready for his sudden confession. His brown eyes were big and he bit nervously on his full lower lip. I wasn't sure if he thought I'd feel bad but I found it off putting.
Last night our friend group had gone bar hopping and I'd crashed at Hiroto's place. He was the most recent addition to our gang and someone I met at the Japanese cultural centre. He was new to the city and a cool guy so we became friends easily. Super chill. Most of my friends were queer and when we found out Hiroto was, too, that made things easier.
But the past few weeks I'd noticed Hiroto had been looking a little too intently at me and laughing a little too hard at my jokes. To me it spelled trouble. I didn't fuck friends because it blurred the lines too much. So his apparent interest in me was far too awkward for my liking.
And then after hanging out today, Hikaru slapped me with 'I like you as more than a friend."
I leaned away from his pleading eyes, not saying anything while I adjusted my prosthetic and started packing up my things. Japanese was more impersonal than English and I found myself transitioning to careful Japanese.
"I'm sorry if I made you think I had romantic interest in you. But, I have always seen you as a friend. I think that's where we're more compatible, right, Hiroto?"
Hiroto scoffed. "I understand. But I have feelings for you because you don't make things complicated. And being with a Japanese person in this country is comforting. It reminds me of home. You remind me of home."
My brain scattered and I hesitated. "Hiroto..."
"We have so much in common. Just kiss me. ...If you don't feel anything, then I'll let it go."
I sighed. "Fine."
I moved  towards Hiroto and he tilted his head towards me and our lips touched. He had pale skin, thick, dark lashes, and he was attractive, but, I just wasn't into him.
He kissed me and I was slow to respond, and as soon as his tongue started to seek entrance into my mouth I jolted back.
I couldn't do it.
Hiroto was nice, but that was it. The only thing we really had in common was our Japaneseness, and I had the sneaking suspicion I was symbolic for him. Hiroto came from a wealthy family in Japan and even though I had, too, I'd done a lot to put my own mark on things.
Being as involved as I was in video games wasn't how my parents envisioned me but I was fine doing my own thing. Hiroto, on the other hand worked at one of his dad's companies in an office position. He'd admitted freely before that his salary was more than workers who'd been there longer than him and his parents sent him a couple thousand dollars a month to keep him occupied. His condo was paid for and he just had to worry about utilities.
None of it was a problem. If he saw fit to use his parents as a bank then that was up to him, but, I felt like he let the money get to his head. He was fun to be around but not the kind of person I would want in a boyfriend.
All those thoughts raced through my head the moments our lips touched. As soon as whatever the hell that was was over, I got up. I went to the bathroom and gargled the taste of Hiroto out of my mouth before making a beeline out of the apartment.
But before I could make my exit, Hiroto stopped me at the door. It looked like he'd been crying in the ninety seconds I'd been in the bathroom. "I really care about you, Trace. I think you're hot and it's cool how you own your own company and it's not like your disability bothers me either."
I stopped, suddenly livid. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You think you get brownie points for being okay with the fact I'm an amputee?"
I'd told my friends in confidence that I'd had trouble with guys accepting me before and it could be a sore conversation topic. I didn't appreciate something so sensitive being thrown back in my face.
Hiroto covered his mouth like he couldn't believe what he'd said. A few tears dropped down his face. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that!"
I shook my head in frustration and pushed my way out of the apartment. I couldn't be bothered to deal with this shit when I was still very much hungover. As soon as I got to my place I would pop a pain killer, take a nap, and try to forget about this.
I was too impatience to take the elevator and I hurried down the hall towards the staircase. I had a shit temper and Hiroto had managed to make me feel shitty, too. I was embarrassed that I'd even let him kiss me. I nearly tripped for a second and it angered me even more. Fuck him for acting like he was doing me a favour by being into me.
I was cool, hot and interesting. I didn't need anyone who tolerated my damn amputation. Screw that. I opened the door to the staircase with a lot more force than was warranted and for a second I froze because I saw someone sitting on the steps. I blinked once, noticing the guy was big and then that something about his silhouette seemed familiar.
It reminded me of this hot baker I never seemed to be able to get my eyes off of at the bakery I frequently passed by before work. The guy was built like a brick house but had the smile of an angel. Every now and then I could make out his body from the kitchen when the door swung open but he rarely ever came out to the cashier area unless he was refilling some pastries.
I knew the shop manager through some mutual friends and I hadn't let on that I was into one of her employees because that felt wrong somehow. But I had the tiniest of crushes on the guy. It wasn't just that he was attractive as fuck with his deep brown skin that somehow couldn't match the deeper brown of his eyes, it was also his wonderfully full and plush lips and the fact he had a bone structure that could cut glass. He was tall as fuck but he was startlingly handsome. It was the kind of beauty I'm sure people would write songs about and wage wars over. The kind of beauty that was usually photoshopped and plastered on a magazine.
But the baker was real and right there and interesting. So incredibly interesting. I just wanted to know everything about him. How he started baking, where he'd gotten his tattoos, what kind of lip scrub he used to make his lips look so soft? Just everything.
But, in the moment I was so startled to see him right in front of me that all I noticed was that he looked broken somehow.
Then, I heard him sniffle and to my dismay I saw that the baker was unsuccessfully holding back tears. There was a moment where he noticed me and he stared for a few seconds before covering his face in embarrassment.
For a moment I hesitated as my heart panged in sympathy before I dug in my bag for a package of tissues I always carried with me.
"Hey dude, are you okay?" I said softly because he looked like he was about to bolt.
I tried handing him the tissues but he shook his head. "It's okay," he said in a tight voice drawn with pain. He sounded so vulnerable and I just wanted to eviscerate whoever or whatever had made him feel that way.
"It's fine. Just take a couple," I said more firmly. I wasn't about to just walk away from him when he looked so upset.
I sat down beside him and he smelled like food. It was making me hungry and I wondered what he'd been cooking. He started to dab at his eyes and I couldn't help but stare at his face. Wow, some people were really pretty as fuck and built like line backers.
I had no idea why he was there and it didn't feel right to ask. He had stopped crying, but continued to dab at his eyes every few seconds and stare off listlessly into the distance.
"I'm sorry about whatever it is you're going through," I said quietly, realizing that he probably wouldn't want a stranger witnessing a difficult moment. I gave him another package of tissues and stood up, patting him twice on his back before making my way down the stairwell.
I couldn't help but feel bad about leaving him there but I knew it was better if I left. After the first moment our eyes locked he'd looked away in what was obviously embarrassment. The both us sitting on the stairs made a tight fit and he was trying his best to sit as far away from me as possible. He was kind of massive so I didn't see how that would be comfortable. He may not have been saying it but he definitely wanted to be alone.
#
II
A voice like sunlight
Warming me up all over
He could be my sun
I wasn't really sure why I took Maureen up on her offer to set me up with a blind date. The Hiroto situation made me realize that even if I wanted a boyfriend, I wasn't really sure if the perfect guy was out there. At the very least, they had to be fine with my stump. Besides that, I wasn't particularly picky.
After running into the baker at Sweets N Things, and finally learning his name, I was thinking about him more than I should have. It had been easy to stand up for him at the bakery and the appreciative look he launched my way made me want him to never stop looking at me.
He was cute in this adorably shy way, and I just kept thinking about his smile. I wanted to ask him out but I wasn't completely sure if he was gay. There was also the problem with my leg. I wanted Darius to always look at me the way he had at the store: warm, and happy. But for all I knew he would be one of those guys who looked at me with pity and thinly veiled disgust.
But to my delight and surprise, the blind date ended up being with Darius! Sweet, wonderful, Darius who was gay. Thank God he was gay. And, his small flustering assured me he was definitely into me.
We got to know each other over the next few weeks, went on our first real date where I bit the bullet and showed him my prosthetic, and I felt like although or relationship was slow it was heading in a positive direction. I was dating this incredible man who was soft, kind and looked at me like I was the sun personified. Yeah, a guy could get used to that.
Late night phone calls were becoming common between the two of us and with each of our interactions I was learning more and more about him.
"We should go camping one weekend," I said into the phone on one of our evening calls. I was in my bathroom doing my skincare routine and I got the impression Darius was still crocheting a pair of socks for himself. The fact he crocheted still marginally surprised me.
"Like, in the wilderness?" Darius said uncertainly.
"Yeah, I've got a lot of camping gear. We could go to a campground. I have a nice spacious tent. We could have beer and burgers, go hiking." The more I was saying the more I was liking the idea. I could imagine it so nicely: Me and Darius taking a canoe across a lake, going hiking down a trail, at night we could roast marshmallows and make s'mores,and then there'd be the tent...I'd get to see what a sleeping Darius looked like. "It would be fun, right?"
"...I wouldn't want to sleep on the floor. Most sleeping bags don't really fit me. Same, for tents. But, I don't really care what we do together as long as we do it together."
My face started to heat up and I was glad Darius couldn't see me. When he said stuff like that it went straight to my heart. He was too cute. I cleared my throat so I could still seem cool. "That makes me want to see you. Are you busy tomorrow? I know this great sushi place I want to treat you to."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I enjoy spending time with you, Darius." In fact I wanted to spend more time with him than was healthy but I couldn't exactly tell him all that. It would probably freak him the fuck out, especially since how much I liked him freaked me the fuck out.
The next night I dressed casually for our sushi date but wondered about if I should wear a more form fitting t-shirt. A more form fitting shirt would make my piercings stand out. Lots of guys I'd been with had found them hot and I was starting to realize Darius was in that category.
The piercings could be a bitch to maintain but I liked the way they looked on me and even the expression on Darius' face when he realized what they were. Surprise and...something more. But I'd already told myself things between he and I would go slowly. Well, things could go slowly and I could show off a little. I chose the form fitting shirt, grabbed a jacket and left my apartment.
The sushi restaurant was a little more crowded than I expected and Darius almost seemed to shrink in the crowd. We were waiting to be seated but I was getting the impression maybe going out to eat hadn't been the best idea. I was getting used to walking around with Darius and people craning up at him like he was a giant but I could tell the stares made him uncomfortable.
Even the seats at the sushi restaurant didn't look like they'd be super comfortable for someone who had such long legs. Damn, I'd fucked up with not thinking this through.
"Hey," I said, "maybe we should just get take out and go back to my place and watch Z Nation?"
Darius' nose wrinkled a bit when he frowned and I tried not to be distracted by something so adorable. "Are you sure? You said you wanted to show me a place you like to eat at."
"I mean, it's kind of crowded, right? We'll get a big take out order from here and we can get some snacks and head to my place."
His expression eased and he smiled. God, seeing him smile was like watching a sunrise.  "Okay," he said softly, "my place or yours?"
"I have some ice cream at my place so mine."
"Can we stop by my place? I don't want to wear my jeans on your couch."
It always surprised me that Darius was so naturally polite. I wasn't sure why him telling me that made me want to pull his face down so I could kiss him but I resisted the urge and we made our way to the takeout line.
Feeling a little too light and happy I bought a sushi platter that was more than reasonable for the both of us and waived off Darius' efforts to pay. He held the bags as we made our way to the car and drove to his place.
Once we got there he hurried out of the car and went towards the bakery before disappearing through the apartment entrance.
While I waited for him to come back I wondered why Darius was so shy. I'd begun to realize that it wasn't just around me but in most facets of his life.
When Darius got back to the car with a small duffel bag it made me think what it would be like if he slept over...Fuck, I really wanted to get to that part of our relationship.
III —
His lips against mine
Setting my body aflame
I'll always want this
When we got to my place, Darius carried the sushi as well as his duffle while I switched out my legs. Once we were indoors, I pointed him towards the dish ware and told him to arrange the sushi on the coffee table so I could change.
Whenever I came back from being out all day it was important for me to remove my prosthetic sleeve which acted as a protective barrier between my leg and the actual physical prosthetic. It was kind of gross but after a long day of soaking up leg sweat, the sleeve needed to be carefully rinsed and left to air our overnight. I had a rack in my bathroom where I left it and I spent some time attending to it.
The same way I had a home leg, I also had extra sleeves. Depending on how I'd spend my evenings I may not even wear my prosthetic especially if I was chilling, playing video games or watching TV. But, I wasn't sure how used Darius was to the whole me having a stump thing so I was playing it safe. I put on the leg I used around the apartment and went back out.
By the time I got back to the living room, Darius had tastefully arranged the sushi onto different platters, and he'd changed into something more casual as well. His pants looked like...pajama pants. They had a drawstring and were blue with white stripes. His shirt was a plain cotton tee and though it wasn't skin tight it hugged his biceps.
"Oh," Darius said softly, "You changed?"
I was wearing the same shirt but I'd put on some shorts that emphasized all the right assets. I figured maybe I could get Darius to make the first move. When we were around each other there was this level of tension that I couldn't quite pinpoint. It was like things getting more physical would be almost in reach and I just wanted to get there already since it had almost been three months since we started dating.
I nodded. "I just wanted to get more comfortable. Do you want a beer or something harder?" I made my way to the kitchen and started getting a couple glasses.
"Just water, please," he replied quietly.
Right, Darius didn't really seem like a big drinker to me. I brought some glasses and a pitcher of water to the coffee table and we settled in to eat while watching a zombie movie. At first I was sitting on the floor and Darius was sitting on the couch but eventually he sat on the floor, too. At some point we started ignoring the movie and just talking.
It was so easy to talk to Darius but more than anything I wanted to listen to him. I just wanted him to tell me anything and everything even if it was about work, or some complicated baking technique I didn't understand or even about his family. There were bits and pieces that I knew but it was never enough and I just wanted to know him.
But, eventually, I was just getting lost in his mouth and his eyes and losing any interest in the conversation. The sun had started to set and it was bathing Darius in a warm yellow glow that made his eyes look like melted bronze.
He squinted against the sunlight and raised his hand up to shield his eyes. "Wow, it's so sunny."
For the first time I noticed that Darius had big hands, like really big hands. I raised my hand up to fit my palm against his.
"Your hands are so big," I said in a voice of wonder. It was actually really hot. I didn't know how to express the fact I liked that Darius was taller and bigger than me. I was a couple inches short of six feet so I was considered tall but it was nice to be the smaller one for once.
Darius laughed. "I've noticed."
"How do you manage to do all those small details when you're decorating?" I closed my fingers around his until we were holding hands. His fingers tightened around my own.
"I have no idea. I've been baking since before I got super tall and I've always had long fingers so I've gotten used to it, I guess."
I looked up at Darius. "Can I sit in your lap?"
"Huh?" He said loudly.
I shifted over on the floor until I was right beside him. I gave him a long, meaningful look. Then, I put my free hand on his knee, squeezing once. "No?"
Darius shook his head. "No, it's—okay, I want you to."
I smiled before making quick work of removing my leg and putting it on the far side of the couch. I moved myself over Darius' thighs until I was straddling his hips. I put my arms over his shoulders and got comfortable in his lap, giving him a brief hug. Darius had thick muscular thighs that could support me and it was nice to be so close to him. The most we had done was make out and this was a nice step forward.
He put his hands on my hips and for the first time I was taller than him. "Am I too heavy?"
"No," Darius said softly. I could tell he wanted to say something else but he was holding back.
I kissed his forehead before continuing, "Are you comfortable? You can put your hands wherever you want." I rocked my hips once against his just to tease him and Darius responded with a low groan. Okay, wow. That was hot as fuck.
That was all I needed to hear and before I knew it I was kissing him. Darius' hands were suddenly in my hair, stroking and pulling at the strands like they were made out of silk. He was touching me and I realized right then I could die happy if all he did was touch me. His hands brushed through my hair and traveled down my back until they were once again at my waist. He surprised me with initiative by sliding his hands under my shirt and stroking my bare skin.
For a while I'd thought Darius' nervousness was derived from a lack of experience with men, but the way he was kissing and touching me suggested otherwise.
My thoughts halted to a stop as soon as Darius surprised me with a kiss to the side of my neck.
"You can give me a hickey if you want," I murmured, wishing he would give me one. I would wear turtle necks the rest of my life if only Darius would mark me up a little. He didn't say anything and when I looked at him he was looking at my chest. "Do you want me to take off my shirt?"
"Uhh—" Darius stammered and I could tell maybe that would be too much.
Carefully, I extricated myself from his lap, to sit beside him on the couch. I put my left leg over his right thigh. He didn't flinch or react poorly at my stump touching him and that relieved me. Some guys had pretended it wasn't a big deal but would go out of their way not to touch my left leg. It wasn't the kind of thing I waited around for people to get used to. My body wasn't an acquired taste which is why I was critical of who knew about my amputation to begin with.  But, if those were tests then Darius had passed them with flying colours.
Sitting beside Darius with our thighs touching made me realize I needed to cool down. I desperately wanted but this wasn't the time. "You're into me, right?" I said without thinking. My heart was beating fast and I was breathless from all the kissing.
Darius looked at me and the smoulder in his gaze was enough to stop my worries. Then he surprised me by putting his hand over my thigh and squeezing hard. "Yes, Trace. I am most certainly into you." Wow, in that moment the nerves were gone and he looked like he was going to toss me on the couch and have his way with me. I could feel myself blushing, and I swallowed loudly.
Darius paused as the grip on my thigh loosened. "Thanks for letting us eat at your place. It's easier for me when we're one on one and I'm thankful you did that for me, Trace." He was talking but his hand was still on my thigh like a brand I never wanted to get rid of.
"It's not a big deal," I assured him. I wasn't sure if Darius noticed but he was a different person when he wasn't nervous. He smiled more, never stuttered and was more calm. "I wouldn't make you do anything you don't seem down for. If you're not having a good time then it won't be fun anyways."
He looked so incredibly thankful and I wasn't sure why. "Can we keep kissing?" he said quickly, chewing his lip while he waited for me to reply. Well, the shyness was back but it was equally as hot.
I kissed him then, just wanting to get as much Darius as I could get.
IV —
We sit side by side
But I already miss you
Is this what love is?
I stood at the airport and waved at Darius whenever he turned around but eventually he disappeared around a corner and my boyfriend was gone from sight. Damn, that's really what he was now, huh?
The idea of Darius being my boyfriend made me want to cuddle with him and watch movies all day while he crocheted something. So it sucked that we became official when he was leaving.
I started to make my way out of the airport and look for the public transit. In my rush to see Darius off I'd taken an Uber from work and I wasn't exactly making 'take uber from work' money so the train would be how I got home.
The entire way home from the airport I was online, looking up anxiety, and panic disorders. The prognosis looked shitty. Darius had really been feeling like this the entire time?
He seemed nervous but his shyness was one of the things I liked about him. It felt raw and genuine and real. Darius was polite, quiet and sensitive but then I started to worry if that was a byproduct of his anxiety and if I liked something that was heavily related to that? Was his anxiety that big a part of his personality?
It made more sense why we couldn't sleep together the one time we tried but I had seriously wanted to. But his discomfort weighed out my physical frustration. It also bothered me that I took so long to realize he was not into it. I kept going over it in my mind. Was he that good of an actor? Was I not paying attention? Had there been anything else that happened between us he wasn't into? I had to do better, because I hated feeling like I was someone he couldn't come to.
I heard the automated voice on the train say my stop and I got ready to get off. I made my way in front of the doors, before I heard someone calling out.
"Hey!" I turned to see the blond twink that had interrupted me and Darius on our date a few weeks back. It took me a second to realize it was him considering I hadn't paid him any attention the first time. He was cute in that tinker bell kind of way; like if you didn't pay him attention for his conventional looks he got annoyed and would threaten to poof into fairy dust. I raised the volume on my AirPods and ignored him. Not today, Satan.
He tapped my shoulder though and I had to stop pretending. I paused the song I was listening to and arched a brow.
"Hey," he said again with a mischievous smile. "You're the guy Dairy was with, right?"
I sniffed. "Who?"
He chewed his lip. "I mean Darius. I wanted to ask if you guys were dating?"
The subway car jerked to a halt and the guy fell against my chest, taking way too long to extricate himself.
"You know we're dating," I said in a hard voice, very firmly pushing him away.
He blinked like he wasn't used to people treating him the way I was. "I just...didn't realize Darius was into Asian guys." I could see in his face how he wanted a reaction out of me. I'm sure he wanted to go and report to Darius that I'd been an asshole. Well, I could be an asshole.
I gave him a slow, critical once over. The small smile on his face started to fall apart. "Do you have a problem with Asian people? We can talk about it if you'd like to reveal your racist views. We can try to unpack the problems right here, right now. The train's stopped. You want to talk about it? Let's talk about it."
Being half Japanese and half Bengali had sometimes been hell for me growing up in Japan. Constant questions if I was a foreigner. Gaijin launched at me like a slur, landlords trying to reject my rental applications because I looked too foreign, no one believing that Nalini and I were twins, getting asked 'why are you so dark' in teasing, biting ways my entire life. Summer was worse when I tanned and I would get the double blinks when I spoke my native Japanese. Honestly, I had been lucky that my facial features were like my mothers because if I hadn't inherited her cheekbones and monolids and I'd had browner skin it would be worse.
I clearly looked East Asian but in Japan the idea of what it meant to look and be Japanese was very rigid and I didn't quite fit in that box. So, I was fed up with people looking at me like there was something wrong. At home my parents hadn't said I was half, I was full Japanese and full Bengali. I was Noor on my father's side of the family, Ryu-chan on my mother's side, and Trace to my friends. Who I was made sense. It was everywhere else where people had a problem with it.
Being around Darius spoiled me because he didn't pry, he was always respectful and he cared about who I was at my core. He understood I was Japanese and Bengali and that those were important parts of my identity. Just like I knew he was Ewe and how that was an important part of his identity.
We'd both been in interracial relationships before but Darius had admitted he'd never dated an Asian person before. He'd also admitted he'd only ever been in four relationships before and that hadn't exactly surprised me either. He didn't seem like the kind of guy to rush into relationships. He was just a guy who was soft and pure and did not fucking deserve some random-wannabe-knock-off-puffed-up Tinker Bell making disparaging comments against him.
I fixed Jeremy with a hard enough glare that he shrank away. "Hey," he back-pedalled, "I didn't mean to be offensive."
I rolled my eyes. "Of course you didn't."
I'd heard it on Grindr and other western dating platforms. 'No rice. Not into Asians or anyone who can't pass the paper bag test,' were things I'd heard a lot. Eventually, I'd just stopped giving a fuck. If people wanted to be problematic I didn't need to take it.
Jeremy sighed. "I just— don't understand why he broke up with me. We had our problems but it was always fun. Whenever we went to clubs a lot of guys would hit on him but he was just focused on me. This big bl— ah, this big guy with me, holding my hand, kissing me. Do you know how amazing that is? And everyone always said we could have such cute babies if we decided to adopt."
And then it clicked. Jeremy hadn't cared about Darius at all. He just liked what Darius represented. It was a thing for a lot of gays; wanting to be with guys who seemed hyper masculine, who were tall and muscular, and for all intents and purposes fit society's ideal of the heterosexual male personified. Looking at Jeremy I could tell it was about race, too. People noticed how different he and Darius looked and he liked that attention. I scowled. "You're disgusting."
He blinked in surprise before rolling his eyes. "Oh c'mon. Don't act like you're not into it for the same reason I am. It's kind of exotic to be with a—"
"Stop. Talking," I cut in. I was so angry I just wanted to punch him. This small, annoying, blond insect insulting my boyfriend.
"Fine," he shrugged. "It started to lose its novelty when he was crying so much. I don't know about you but I've never seen—"
"I know what you're doing and I want you to stop. I'm glad he broke up with you since quite obviously you're a piece of shit. Get out of my fucking face."
When he didn't leave, I just started walking to the other side of the subway car. I'd always had a bad temper and having anger take hold made me feel impotent. I clenched my fists just thinking of the things I wished I could do to that guy. But, then I took a deep breath. Darius would be horrified if I did something so rash. Violence never solved much anyways. I would just focus on learning more about this whole anxiety thing and try not to miss Darius too much.
V
I want to know him
Good , bad, in between, and more
I want all of it
The screen went dark and I closed my laptop, more than a little worried about Darius. After he'd told me about his anxiety, I didn't really know how to voice that it didn't make any fucking sense for him to be on a reality TV show. But after our talk today he seemed mostly okay: still adorably shy and earnest. If he thought he could handle everything then I'd be right there to support him. But it had only been one day and there were several days ahead.
For a second I thought about the airport and the partial panic attack I'd witnessed after Darius confessed his panic disorder to me. It had terrified me. Something about him became small and dangerously vulnerable. Maybe it was glossiness of his eyes, or how still and tense he became, or the way he clutched his chest like if he wasn't pressing down on it his heart would stop beating. But all of it was heartbreaking.
In those seconds before he dashed off to the washroom a lot of things started clicking into place for me. The apprehension, the nerves, the reluctance to be around big groups or crowds, the way Darius liked planning our dates and he hated spontaneity. It had all been pointing to anxiety and I hadn't even considered it. All the little things I thought were quirks were coping mechanisms and I was clearly a source of anxiety, too.
It frustrated me that I felt like I couldn't do anything. I'd promised to go at Darius' pace but it made me feel helpless. I wanted to be a source of comfort, not someone he had to be his best self around. Fuck, everyone else could have the perfectly composed Darius. But, I was selfish. I wanted all of him: the pieces that didn't quite fit together, the nerves, that quiet almost self conscious laughter, the crocheting, the zombie obsessions, the basketball junkie, the order, the chaos, all of it.
I liked how he kept everything neat, how gentle he was, how soft his soul seemed to be, and there was something about that vulnerability that was beautiful. I would cherish it if Darius gave me the opportunity. I liked the way his nose wrinkled when he frowned or when he laughed, how he chose to be true to himself instead of pretending to be someone else for basketball, and I was more than a little obsessed with him.
Shit. The next few weeks would suck. I should've given him a longer hug the last time I saw him.
I was possessive and worried and selfish and I just wanted him to be okay. Holy shitballs. I leaned back against my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I slotted my fingers through my hair impatiently. My heart was beating hard just thinking about him and I missed him a lot already. Fucking shit on a stick, I wasn't just a little obsessed with him, I think I was a little in love with him.