Sugar, Butter, Flour, and Love - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Seeing Trace on the computer screen had inspired a fierce longing in me. It was like telling him about my anxiety made me feel close to him in an entirely new way. He'd seen pieces of me I hadn't shown anyone and... I wanted him to see more. He was someone I could be vulnerable in front of and it wouldn't embarrass me. It sucked that our chat was so short and I felt like there was so much more to say.
I laid down on my bed, and pulled the bottom of my shirt up to scratch at my stomach. My hand was warm and for a moment, I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like if I were with Trace and if was the one touching me. I thought of the way he kissed me and how confidence seemed to radiate through every one of his actions. Like the way he told me things were okay, and especially in the way he touched me as if he'd already mapped out my body a thousand times before and was excited to make sure he knew every muscle, swell and scar.
I wished I'd kissed him even longer at the airport. Long enough that the taste of him would always stay with me. But, really I wanted more than just lingering kisses...Why did I feel so hor—
"Darius, we're trying to vote on what we movie we should watch. The TV downstairs has Netflix and—" Ai had burst into the room and started chattering on but then she stopped. She looked pointedly at my hand low on my stomach and then she paused in the doorway. She turned her head quickly to examine an invisible piece of lint on her shirt as her cheeks bloomed red. "Sorry, I'll knock next time." She closed the door so quickly it thwacked against the door frame.
I looked down to see if I was having a largely male problem but, no, I wasn't. My legs were splayed a little wide and my hand was a little too low on my stomach but I was decent.
Hurriedly, I fixed my shirt and stood up. "I wasn't— Ai, come back! I wasn't doing anything."
But it was too late and the embarrassment had already set it. My face burned as I looked in my area of the room for my crochet styluses and some yarn. As much as I would prefer to be alone I had to go out and be normal. I'd get a couple laughs at my crocheting but as long as I could keep my hands busy I could definitely socialize.
After gathering my things I went downstairs and planted myself on the corner of the couch while pizza was ordered and some contestants argued over what movie to watch.
We settled on two movies before Richard visited the house and explained the bus would be there at 4AM the next day to take us to our next challenge. There was a collective groan at that and we changed our plans for the night. Now, it would be just one movie and then an attempt at sleeping around 7:30PM.
Throughout the movie I noticed Ai and me getting weird looks. More than one person had asked me if we were really sleeping in the same room but I hadn't connected the dots until Richard asked to speak to us privately when he visited the house just before bed time. I grew more concerned when he asked to speak to us alone in our room.
He looked flustered; not making eye contact, and swallowing frequently. Sheepishly, he opened a plastic bag he was holding and held out a box. I looked down at his hand only to be disturbed by what I saw. I cleared my throat. "We don't need that."
Ai looked around me and her eyes narrowed. "What the fuck, Richard? What the hell are you giving us condoms for? I'm gay and I have a girlfriend."
Instead of replying Richard looked at me as if I was forcing Ai to lie. I sighed. "We're both gay, and I also have a boyfriend."
Richard's hand went limp and he put the box back in the bag. "You didn't write that on your registration form." He almost seemed offended at not knowing something about my life.
"Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?" Ai cut in. "Anyways, if we have to wake up at 3AM then I want to get some sleep. Goodnight Richard!" Ai ushered him out of the room and promptly closed the door. "Fuck, he's so annoying."
After he left, I got ready for bed while Ai showered. Eventually, I sat on the edge of my bed and covered my face. What. The. Heck.
He'd held out a box of condoms like the two of us were most certainly sleeping together. Even if both of us were straight or even bi, why would sharing a room imply that kind of intimacy? Was this all because I hadn't yet told everyone I was gay? Would people keep thinking me and Ai were an item? I hadn't even considered something like that would happen. Ai was my friend.
Ai was still showering but she surprised me by poking her head out of the bathroom. Steam clouded out of the bathroom and it didn't seem like she was wearing a towel. She reached her arm out to signal to me.
"Hey, can you pass me a pad?" She gestured to her bed area but I didn't see anything. "The second drawer of my night stand."
I went over to it and opened the drawer to see...girl stuff. Oh wow...there was so many things. Tampons, pads, pills, and a hot water bottle container. I grabbed what looked like a pad and shuffled over to Ai's outstretched arm and handed it to her awkwardly.
"Thanks!" She said, before closing the door.
Well, maybe I couldn't blame people if they thought we were sleeping together. I mean, there I was touching Ai's lady stuff... I took a deep breath and started to head down to the kitchen for a glass of water. I stopped at the top of the winding staircase because it sounded like people were talking. I wasn't sure if I wanted to interrupt or not, but their voices carried enough for me to comfortably eavesdrop.
"I really thought I'd win that challenge. My kids love my whoopie pies,"  Mary Lou said bitterly. Except, she didn't bring up how her chocolate cookie sandwich with a marshmallow icing filling was too sweet. I mean, most kids liked sweet things but our desserts were supposed to do something interesting. There wasn't anything interesting about an overly sweet dessert and that was what the judges had said in not so many words.
Mel's voice was deep and carried even more than Mary Lou's. "Well, obviously the big guy was the one who ended up winning. He works in a bakery for Christ's sake. He's probably gonna coast through tomorrow, too. Then he gets to come back here and sleep with a young, pretty thing by his side."
A pit fell in my stomach when Mary Lou laughed. "He hasn't worked in a bakery long enough for it to make a big difference when he bakes. Not to mention where I was raised the only time you share a room with someone of the opposite sex is when you're married. It's inappropriate."
"At this point it's just a honeymoon for the two of them. Did you see him help her with her dish? She definitely had time to scoop out the dough onto the baking sheet. Of course it's easy to bat your eyes at the biggest guy here and get help."
Mary Lou paused. "He is really big..."
Something shifted in the air, and it was disconcerting.
"I wonder how they do things," Mel continued in a low voice, "I mean, the beds are so small. And she's pretty small, too. He must be a beast in bed."
Mary Lou made a disapproving noise. "Mel, I— I don't think that's appropriate to say. My room is right next to theirs and I never hear anything. And she's got a girlfriend, right? A woman wouldn't lie about being a lesbian..."
Mel scoffed. "Oh come on, some of my students are one thing one day and another the next. People can be confused."
It was getting hard to breathe, and I tried to remind myself to calm down but it was too late and I'd heard too much. Somehow, I felt like I was going to throw up. My anxiety hadn't caused nausea since I was a kid but what I'd heard was so messed up. Why were they discussing me like I was some kind of animal?A beast? Is that how people saw me?
I couldn't listen to anymore and I went back to the room. Ai was finished changing and she was reclining on her bed. Her face looked glossy from some special skin care creams and she looked sleepy, but relaxed. She said hi to me but I went straight to the bathroom and promptly threw up into the toilet. My stomach was in knots and tears were streaming down my face.
Somehow I was remembering when I was a teenager and confused about so many things and basketball had been a refuge.  Me and my brother were always part of basketball teams and eventually joined the Ontario basketball association which was for top tier players. We'd even been part of the Canadian national basketball youth teams and competed internationally. Those experiences had been amazing except for how people spoke about the players.  Most of us were kids and they talked about us like things; remarking on how happy they were that we were growing, wanting us to be big but not too big, and treating us like commodities.
I didn't know why Mel's comment made me remember all that but I'd hated the way high stakes basketball turned me into a thing instead of a person. It propped up Black hyper masculinity like it was the only thing to be. It turned us all into brutes, beasts and not beings.
Yeah, if I'd entered the NBA I wouldn't be able to be out but I'd also turn into a thing. Signing away my youth and physical health to be commodified wasn't worth it. Cyrus had been lucky. Him being a top tier player afforded him a level of humanity that a lot of other players didn't get. He had always been vocal to a fault but he was skilled enough that he got away with a lot.
But every now and then I still perused the basketball forums and the language some people used to describe players was so racially loaded it made me sick. All of this was making me sick.
I was still throwing up and Ai had entered the bathroom. Her voice was strained with concern. "Shit. Are you okay, Darius? Do you want me to rub your back?"
I raised an arm and shook it. The thought of being touched only made me retch harder. The taste of bile and pizza sat thick on my tongue and clogged my throat as I tried to breathe. But all I could smell was the vomit as it slopped and plopped into the toilet bowl. My heart was thundering hard enough in my chest I thought I would soon throw that up, too.
"Alright, I'll go get something from the medicine cabinet and some water." Ai closed the door and scurried off.
Eventually the entirety of my dinner was sitting in the toilet bowl and my throat was raw from all the retching. The nausea left as suddenly as it cane and I closed the toilet bowl before flushing and then I went to the sink to brush my teeth and gargle mouth wash. I felt disgusting.
My panic attack happening while I threw up at least killed two birds with one stone. Though, my stomach felt painfully empty and I didn't trust myself to eat.
I went out towards my bed and laid down, feeling defeated. My thoughts ricocheted in all sorts of directions. How would Trace react if I had a panic attack and threw up? He'd be embarrassed and ashamed of me. I curled over on my side and hugged a pillow to my chest. I had no idea what I'd do if I threw up tomorrow. It would be so incredibly unsanitary.
Ai came back and touched my back briefly. "I made you some chamomile tea, but I'm not sure if you like it with milk and sugar so I brought some milk and sugar with me."
I turned over. "That's really nice of you, Ai," I said quietly.
"Did something happen?" She said softly while setting the tray of tea, milk and sugar on the night stand table.
I debated telling her for a second before I just confessed everything I'd heard. I tried not to cry and I managed not to even if my voice warbled occasionally.
Ai's voice was quietly shocked. "He called you a beast? Holy shit."
I'd sat up and crossed my legs on the bed but I nodded tearfully at what Ai said. I took a tentative sip of the tea and it was immediately soothing to my throat. "I haven't heard comments like that since I was a kid but it's still so dehumanizing."
"People have said stuff like that to you before?"
"Yeah, all the time. Sometimes as a compliment but plenty of times in a negative way. I know what I look like but it's unfair."
"Well, let's tell Richard. Mel deserves to get in trouble. He can't talk about you that way, Darius."
The idea of drawing attention to myself made me feel sick all over again. "No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I said uncertainly, "if it happens again, I'll do something about it. But, not right now."
After that we turned out the lights and went to sleep. I spent hours staring at the ceiling, and thinking about all the years I'd had to endure being judged on things out of my control. It was my reality, and it shouldn't have affected me so deeply. Sometimes it didn't. But sometimes it was an old ache that would resurface. I'd feel it under my skin, pushing against my nails, stuffing my throat and clogging my nostrils. It pretended it was my anxiety but it was deeper than that, yet somehow complemented it so perfectly.
If my anxiety was in my head, then how often I'd been misjudged because of my appearance was like a rope of thorns squeezing against my lungs: this near constant almost puncture I could do nothing to get rid of. And no matter which way I tossed and turned, that choking sensation would never cease.
#
"Alright Darius, which team do you want to be on?" Aditya gestured at each of the teams and I swallowed uncomfortably.
I should have been ecstatic. The next challenge was a team challenge that would take place at a bakery. This was literally up my alley! There was no way I wouldn't crush this challenge. Except I'd have to be on a team.
One team had Ai on it and being around her had the side effect of making me feel comfortable. But, Mel was the team captain of the orange team, and we hadn't spoken since I'd admitted I was gay. The comments he'd made the night before had ruined my evening, given me a fitful sleep, and made me feel terrible about myself. I was already conscious about my size, but now I felt like a freak show exhibit. I knew that I had no real control over my height and how big I was but it still bothered me that people looked at me and decided who I was.
The other team was the blue team and had Mary Lou as the team captain. Hell would freeze over before I would work under Mary Lou. The comments I'd overheard from her hadn't explicitly dehumanized me but something about her still rubbed me the wrong way.
"I guess I'm choosing the orange team," I said softly, hoping that I was making the best choice. The best thing I could do for my anxiety right then was stay nearby someone I was comfortable around like Ai.
It was almost 5AM and we were standing in the front entrance of a somewhat-famous bakery Baking Beasts would be doing a one day takeover at. Over the next hour one of the head patisseries gave us a tour of the facilities as well as some detailed descriptions of how to operate relevant equipment.
Some of the equipment was similar  to what we had at my workplace but I still took notes throughout the tour on a small notepad and I sketched out a map of the facilities as well. A few other competitors were taking notes but I could clearly see that no one's were as detailed as mine. I retained information more quickly by writing it down so I probably wouldn't have to reference my notes again. But it was nice to have them there in case I forgot or had a brain fart.
Once the tour was over we assembled in our teams and discussed a menu. We needed to include at least one pizza and one meat pie so we decided on a chicken meat pie, and two different kinds of pizzas, consisting of a veggie option and a meat one. For the other menu items, Ai volunteered to spearhead making chocolate chunk brownies because it would be easy to make a lot at once. Then, we decided to have mini raspberry lemon tarts and Mel really wanted to include apple turnovers on the menu.
I disagreed with the last pastry because making light, and crispy apple turnovers took more prep than we had with everything else. We'd have to core, peel, slice and dice the apples. We'd have to make a crazy amount of puff pastry dough which needed to be chilled before we could use it, then we'd have to cook the apples in some sugar and cinnamon before allowing them to chill and then stuff them in the pastries. I wasn't sure if it was worth it. But, I wasn't the team leader so I didn't say anything.
There were about ten of us and Mel split us up with two people per dish. He put me and Brian on the pizzas though I felt like I would be more of an asset elsewhere. I tried not to think about how he shuffled the two gay guys off together and away from everyone else considering the pizza oven was in its own part of the bakery.
Brian was a bit of a chatterbox and I had to instruct him gently on how to knead the dough for the kind of pizza we were making. He was glad to take my advice and I was glad he was willing to listen. There were a lot of mini pizza doughs to make while we got to talking. To my surprise Brian was an architect and looked a lot younger than he was which ended up being early thirties. He missed his husband and their dogs more than he expected.
"How long have you guys been together?" I asked while dusting a bit more flour onto my workstation.
Brian flushed. "We're high school sweethearts actually. Not together for all these years but sort of that person I kept coming back to. After university we sort of fell back together. Freddy's very sweet."
"Wow, so you've known each other most of your lives?" That sounded really romantic.
He smiled softly. "We were lucky that way. What about you? Anyone waiting back home?"
I took a moment to collect my thoughts. "Yeah. I started seeing this guy recently and just when things were progressing I got into the show. I miss my boyfriend a lot more than I thought I would. It's weird not knowing when I'm going to see him again." I'd thought that talking about Trace would make me nervous or stutter but thinking about him made me happy. We'd left off on a good place and I wished I could give him a hug for being willing to accept me.
Brian briefly stopped kneading before he continued. "Oh. So you're—"
"I know it's not super obvious but yeah I'm gay."
"Oh God," he groaned softly. He almost sounded guilty.
I looked over at him. "What?"
"I feel awful. Me and some of the others have been gossiping about you and Ai. She's always all over you and you share a room. We thought maybe she was secretly bi and she's been cheating on her girlfriend and then some of the moms agreed that you would be very tempting. And wow, I'm going to stop those rumours right away."
"Oh God," I echoed. "Rumours? About me? And Ai?"
Brian's face was red and he stopped any semblance of kneading. "The next time me and the girls get together I'll set them straight. Wow, the whole time there have been three of us who are gay. It's nice to know I'm not on my own."
I laughed at that. "I should've said something earlier I guess. But for now I just want to get through this and get back home."
We got to a point where we'd prepared more than enough pizzas and Brian handled the last dozen while I went out into the kitchen to see how others were doing. I was surprised that Mel hadn't even checked in on us once. This was supposed to be a team challenge and he was responsible for our success.
Ai and another woman, Manpreet, were mixing the batter for the brownies in a giant electric mixing bowl and it smelled amazing. Ai gave me a quick grin and a thumbs up when I passed by.
Two other contestants were working on the lemon tart; a middle aged accountant named Adam, and a nurse practitioner, Ashley.
Everything was going almost too smoothly until I happened upon Mel, and the smallest contestant of all, Alex. To my surprise and horror, Alex was crying and Mel's face was red. The closer I got the more I could hear Mel seething, "You need to cut and core the apples properly or else we won't finish on time!"
Alex was whispering, "I'm sorry, there's just so much to do. So much to do." It looked like she was about to start hyperventilating and I leaned down slowly in front of her so as not to spook her.
"Alex, why don't you take a break? Grab some water and eat something?"
She blinked her big eyes at me and her lower lip puckered. "There's just so much to do." Hesitantly she looked towards Mel but when she saw his dark expression she turned away.
I knew that normal people liked physical contact so I raised my hand and patted her on the back. She seemed to relax slightly. "It's fine, take a breather and then go help Brian with the pizza doughs? We were almost done over there. I'll core, and slice the apples."
She swallowed audibly. "Okay." And then she quickly ran off, with a camera close on her heels. I couldn't forget about all the cameras everywhere but I tried to focus on the things that were under my control.
"Do you see what this says on my apron?" Mel said sharply.
I didn't like confrontation so I just ignored him. Instead, I picked up the knife Alex had dropped and continued peeling the apples. There were a lot of apples left but I knew my way around a knife so if I stayed on task we could catch up. Except, Mel wasn't taking the hint and he went so far as to wrap his sweaty palm around my wrist.
"I'm talking to you, Darius!" I looked down at his pale hand against my brown wrist and I didn't like it. His fingers dug into my skin as he continued speaking. "Just because you're big and tall and you think you know your way around a bakery doesn't mean that you're the leader. My apron says team leader for a reason. You can't just tell Alex to go and take a break when we've got so much work to do. If I wanted you to help me with the apple turnovers. I. Would. Have. Asked."
The entire time I was just staring at his hand, still touching me, still squeezing me. So incredibly wrong. "I'm going to count to five," I said very, very slowly. "If you're still touching me when I get to five, we're going to have a problem." I lowered my voice, "Do you want us to have a problem, Mel?"
Mel frowned and worry began to show on his face.
"One," I said softly, trying to breathe slowly. Unbelievably, I was feeling the beginnings of a panic attack. My options were limited. Whatever my actions were they could be construed to be violent with the camera right there and with the magic of editing. I hated being put on the spot. I hated the way Mel was talking to me but more than anything I hated being touched. "Two," I said while looking into Mel's eyes. A beat passed and his grip loosened on my skin. Halfway through "three" he let go and shrank away from me as though I'd struck him.
I felt like I would start shaking soon. Touching was the one boundary that I could relax around certain people who I trusted. Having it so suddenly violated made me feel sick and embarrassed that something so small was affecting me.
I rubbed my wrist awkwardly and it felt like it was made of pinpricks and needles. I needed somewhere to breathe and I murmured something incoherent before seeking out and finding the bathroom.
The first thing I did was wash my hands for several seconds and try to count. It was coming. I could feel that terrible tightness in my chest and my heart starting to beat a mile a minute. Everything had been going so well up until this moment. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It hadn't even been twelve hours since my last one...
It got hard to breathe and I sat down on the bench in the room and clenched my hands over my thighs trying to count to ten. Eventually, the air felt like it was actually starting to get to my lungs and I stopped shaking. I got up from the bench and went to the sink to wash my hands again. Panic attacks always left me feeling mentally and physically exhausted, like I'd just gotten through a thick piece of fog and was heading straight for another.
But there were hours of baking left to do and it was unlikely that I'd have another panic attack. For me at least, it was rare if I had multiple attacks a day. Even if one of my stressors was present, I could normally get through it
I took a couple more deep breaths and went back out into the kitchen. Everyone on my team looked at me, and I tried to ignore the stares. Mel was still peeling and coring apples but I could see that he was very slow and that was probably part of the problem.
I took a big bowl from a shelf with other kitchen materials and fit as many apples as I could into it. Then I put the knife and corer on top and went to another area of the kitchen. I refused to be around Mel.
"You okay?" I heard Ai say from beside me.
I shrugged while taking out the pits of the apple and proceeding to peel the skin off. "Let's not talk about it." I looked into the lens of a camera before shaking my head.
Ai seemed to understand and she went back to her brownie station. To my annoyance, Mel came up to me next. I stared hard at my apple.
He sounded a little sheepish. "Hey, things got a little heated there."
I stared even harder at the apple.
"Darius?" He said softly.
I continued to ignore him and eventually he got the hint and finally left me the fuck alone. I couldn't be bothered to deal with Mel. Not even a little bit.
The next few prep hours passed by quickly, and Brian and Alex came to help with the prep for the apple turnovers once the pizza prep was done. It was time consuming to get the apples down into small cubes, have the puff pastry dough prepped and ready with enough time to cool in the fridge and the eggwash which would complete the look.
But, eventually we did as much as we could and once it was an hour until opening we starting putting things in the oven. It was a rush of movement all over with Mel telling us what to do and me still being quiet but innocuously correcting little mistakes. Like making the apple turnovers more uniform, or helping apply egg wash to the meat pies. Mel was doing a lot more ordering around rather than guiding.
He left briefly to set up the price points for our menu and while he was gone, they all came up to me.
"Are you okay, Darius?"
"What he did wasn't right."
"You should tell one of the producers."
"As soon as this is all over I'm going to give him a piece of my mind."
"I can't believe he's a teacher."
"We tried talking to him after you left but he just wouldn't listen."
All the comments were surprising to me. I looked down at our little group. "I just wish he hadn't touched me," I said quietly, "you know?"
"He's an asshat," Ai declared. "If he tries to bother you just let me know."
I laughed. "And then what?"
"I'm not sure yet, but I'll figure something out."
Sooner rather than later it was time to start selling and Ai and Mel were assigned to the front of the house. We'd gotten a good number of our dishes to be out on display but the pies were taking a bit longer than expected. I helped Brian with the pizzas and circulated around to help with whatever needed to be done.
The selling hours were brutal. It was pandemonium in the kitchen. Running, cursing, burning, rushing. At one point Mel messed up about a dozen orders and I had to replace him at the front of the house. I wasn't exactly charismatic but my voice was clear and my writing was neat so I wrote the orders and called back to the kitchen and delivered the boxes of orders to the customers. My bakery training kicked in and I stayed at the front of the house until time for the challenge was up.
After all the customers had left and the money we made had been counted the judges assembled us to announce the winner.
Aditya cleared his throat. "One team managed to sell more orders and make more money because of an efficient prep time and how quickly they got orders out. Blue Team, you are—" he paused dramatically and I felt my stomach sink. "—not the winners. Which means: Congratulations Orange Team!"
It was all worth it! Our team jumped and down in delight and we all high five-d each other. Except Mel, I ignored his high five.
After that we got bundled onto the bus and headed towards the cooking facility for our confessional sessions, and for the losing team to compete in a secondary challenge. I felt more relaxed than I felt all day and soon I fell asleep.
By the time I woke up we were at the cooking facility and quickly herded over to the confessional area.
When I got into the room Dhara was fiddling with a blue clip that held her bright organge hijab in place. She smiled when she saw me. "Lots of juicy stuff today, Darius? I heard you and another contestant got into a 'situation.'"
I sighed. "Do we have to talk about that?"
Dhara went behind the tripod to adjust the height of the camera. "You know we do. Just take a seat and we can get going."
I settled into my seat with a huff.
#
After my confessional session was over I went up to the balcony with the rest of the orange team and we watched as the blue team started the challenge. They had to make a soufflé which seemed impossible given the small time constraint and the fact they must have been exhausted after the day we'd all had.
Mary Lou looked upset that she hadn't been able to lead her team to victory but I was glad she was down there fighting for her spot in the competition.
I watched with the others as the contestants did their best to make soufflé. It was nail biting to watch them rush and then camp in front of the ovens to be sure thst it was rising correctly. The minutes  blurred until it was time to be judged and of course Mary Lou's dish was perfect and the person with the most deflated creation was promptly sent home.
After that, we did another confessional session. When I came out of the room there were a few producers and production assistants waiting outside.
Richard stood in front. "Darius, can we talk about what happened today?"
I sighed as the few people came into the confessional room. They didn't seem to notice or acknowledge that Dhara was still there.
I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned. "I'm really exhausted, Richard."
He nodded. "We just want to resolve this as soon as possible. Mel has complained that—"
I blinked several times. "He complained?"
Richard continued on. "He complained that the two of you have been having some communication issues. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault but I just wanted to ensure that you guys can keep it cool back at the house."
I stared long and hard at him unsure what, exactly, he wanted from me. "I'm not the problem, Richard. I'm not the one who makes derogatory remarks when gossiping with other contestants. I'm not the one who physically grabs other contestants. I'm not the one who implies that being gay is just a phase and fans rumours that they're sleeping with their roommate. I've been keeping it cool. This—" I gestured down at my body harshly, "—is me keeping it cool."
Richard's brows furrowed. "It's only been a few days. How much has happened?"
"I just don't want him to talk to me."
"Okay, okay," Richard said softly. "We'll talk to Mel, but remember that we don't want anyone hurt."
"You think I'm going to hurt someone?"
Richard hesitated. "What? Of course not. I'm just the peacemaker, Darius."
I scrubbed my hands down my face. "I'm just so exhausted. Are we going back to the house?"
He nodded. "Yeah, everyone else is on it. We didn't mean to hold you up."
Richard moved out of the way and I left the confessional room feeling irritable but mostly tired. Half of my problems right now could be solved with a nap and as soon as I got back to the house that would be the first thing I did.