Sugar, Butter, Flour, and Love - Chapter 25: Chapter 25

"Good morning to each of our three finalists. It's been a sometimes harrowing journey of challenging confections and dizzying desserts but the best of the best have risen as the cream of the crop. Each of you are so different but should be so happy to be here," Aditya was working the room and he was full on charisma and charm.
Nearly two months ago and I would have been enchanted, but now the obvious falseness of it all just made me feel mildly disgusted. This entire show would be ruined for me forever after this. The challenges were actually challenging, and I'd learned a lot. But at what cost?
The night before I'd called Richard and complained yet again about Mel and he'd essentially told me to get over it because there were a million things he needed to deal with and my petty drama wasn't it.
I'd barely been able to relax for the entirety of the night because I was staving off a panic attack. It was difficult to relax when I felt like everything about the house was hostile in the worst possible way. In the end I'd called Trace and I was embarrassed to have to ask him to sing to me.
He couldn't see me, but I put myself on mute just so I could cry openly. I was so stressed, I felt like I was bursting at the seams and I felt like no one could really understand. My voice was a bit stuffed when I took myself off mute and told him I was going to sleep. I was glad he hadn't asked me what the problem was before we hung up. By now he knew my moods well enough to know prying would make me shut down.
"Darius, are you even paying attention?" Miranda drawled.
I blinked a few times, realizing that I'd been daydreaming instead of paying attention. Miranda was standing between Aditya and Isaac. All of them were dressed formally, her in a snug, blue, high neck, long sleeved dress, Aditya in dark slacks and a crisp white shirt with a few undone buttons and a blazer. But Isaac was by far the most casual. He was wearing jeans and a dress shirt with...sneakers.
He always seemed like bit of an oddball, but over the weeks it became more and more apparent. If the camera wasn't rolling he never talked to Aditya or Miranda though Aditya and Miranda were always chatting and sometimes even flirting. Though I knew both of them were married...
Isaac was the only one to truly talk with any of the contestants. During breaks he typically struck up a conversation with one of us over a dessert item he found interesting. He was always nice and was detailed in his feedback which each of us appreciated.
But, I was still surprised when Isaac fixed a glare on Miranda after she'd asked me if I was paying attention and even more surprised when Isaac rolled his eyes. He raised his arm and gestured to a producer. "Let's take fifteen!"
He walked over to me and put a hand between my shoulder blades, guiding me outside of the main cooking area and towards the hallways that eventually lead to the confessional suites. "Darius, did you sleep? You look exhausted. Do you want a coffee? I can get you a coffee."
I shook my head and shrugged away the feel of Isaac's hand. "I didn't sleep."
Isaac frowned. "Another fight with Mel?" He sounded profoundly disappointed.
I looked down at him in surprise. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Isaac shrugged. "Well. Richard gossips. He said you and Mel are like cats and dogs. He was supposed to be in charge of making sure any personality clashed were dealt with."
A personality clash?! Is that what all of this had come down to? Was I over reacting? Isaac made it seem like my issues with Mel were minor when they  had been plaguing me since the first week.
An ache started to metastasize in my chest as my heart beat so hard it felt like it was pumping out cement instead of blood. Even my breaths were stolen away at the reality that I wasn't even close to being understood.
There was nowhere to sit so I just crouched down until I was resting on the balls of my feet.  What a God awful mistake this entire thing had been. Tears pricked at my eyes and I breathed shakily. Get it together. Get it together. Please.
Isaac was right down there with me. "Woah, shit. Did I say something?"
I chewed on my lip and stared at the ground intently. "There's nothing wrong with coming in third, right? Maybe I should just give up now. I'm just— not cut out for this," I murmured quietly to myself, pushing past my stutter.
"Was this because of your argument with Mel?" Isaac said in a voice that sounded far away even though he was right next to me.
"He's been terrorizing me since we met. He hates me. He hates that I'm black and that I'm gay and that I'm nice. He's racist, and homophobic and mean. And—" for a second I couldn't breathe and I scraped out the next words, "I can't take it anymore."
Isaac was looking at me differently. His voice was quiet, "And what does Richard do about it?"
"Nothing," I whispered, "I've told him so many times. I've asked him if I could stay in a hotel room, but then he says it's not fair to the others who also want privacy. But, it's not about privacy. I just want Mel to leave me alone."
"I'm really sorry, Darius...I didn't know about any of this. If I did, I would have done something."  Isaac was still crouched on the floor beside me and I wondered why I hadn't complained to him instead of Mel and Aditya.
It was humiliating how much of a relief it was to be taken seriously. But it felt like it was too late. How was I going to walk back in there and give it all up when I'd come this far? "Who do I tell?"
"Darius, no. C'mon kid, you're in the finals. I'm going to do something about this. You deserve to be here, okay? I've seen how talented you are. I'm not shitting you either. Is there something I can say or do? Should I call Aditya over?"
I shook my head, not saying anything.
"Well, what if Mel wins?"
My head shot towards Isaac. "I would hate that."
"So win. You're this close already, Darius."
But this wasn't even about winning anymore. It was so much more complicated than that. "I hate this competition," I said out loud for the first time, "I hate how much I don't matter here. And even if I do go out there and lose, at least I wouldn't have let Mel win."
Isaac smiled and his eyes lit up. "As long as you agree to continue, you're not letting anyone win and you're not giving up on yourself."
I raised myself up from the ground to my full height and Isaac stood as well. I looked down at him. "Thanks, it means a lot that you seem like you care."
His brows furrowed. "I do care."
I let out a dry laugh as I walked back into the building. "It seems like you're the only one."
#
The finals would be split up into two rounds. The first would be an imitation round and the second would be a creation one. The loser of the first round would be eliminated and the final two would complete the showstopper challenge.
Our imitation challenge was a study in complexity. The mystique definitely looked Baking beast worthy. The cake had four layers in it; a vanilla marshmallow cream, a vanilla chocolate cremeaux, passion fruit curd, and a banana chocolate brownie. All the layers would be held together by a milk chocolate caramel mousse, a creamy glaze, and an orange chocolate sablé disc. A biscuit would serve as a barrier between it and the dome and it looked so incredibly weird.
The mystique dessert.
Source: /10play.au/ip/s3/2019/06/14/2606babb1446f275500e13b549f3680f-341288.jpg?image-profile=image_max&io=landscape
Inspired by: /m.youtube/watch?v=XtnZvNxrsto
Video won't integrate but it's Masterchef Australia's mystique dessert challenge.
#
In total there were about sixty four steps for us to follow on several stapled sheets of paper. I could tell it was meant to be overwhelming but difficult desserts weren't the kind of thing to give me anxiety. But, my anxiety was essentially socially oriented. What people could think of me and how they saw me were all sources of stress and it wasn't rational. Even at that moment there was the constant buzz at the back of my mind of what others were thinking of me and my actions.
I was a weird combination between anxious and angry and it made it hard to think. All the weeks being harassed by Mel had developed into a hard, yet constant, kernel of rage. The way he treated me was so deeply unfair and nothing had been done about it.
I focused completely on my task, completing the different layers of the cake first. Each layer could only be about an inch thick and then chilled in the blast chiller. I started on the vanilla marshmallow cremeaux, pushing myself into a zone of pure concentration.
I put my component at the farther upper corner of the fridge because I wasn't playing games today and if no one could reach my things then no one would mess with them.
When I closed the fridge, Mel was standing there and waiting to get into the fridge. His lips parted and he looked like he was about to ask me something but I ignored him and sidestepped him to get back to my station.
At my station I moved on to my next component, once again measuring out the height in the mould. I continued on like that, measuring carefully, putting my work in progress in the blast chiller and then continuing the time consuming slog at my work station.
"Hey, Darius, what consistency are you getting for your passion fruit curd?" Mel asked me from my right.
I stoically continued whisking my curd and when Mel tried to look around me  to look into my bowl.... I did something childish. I raised my bowl far above my head, and completely beyond Mel's line of sight.
He started to grumble but I ignored him, calling out to Aditya. "Can you tell him to leave me alone?"
Aditya looked shocked. "Darius," he admonished me, "just... tell him yourself."
I didn't kiss my teeth very often but I knew there weren't words to express myself so I kissed my teeth and went back to work. It didn't take long for Mel to slink away.
"Christ, you're touchy," Mel mumbled.
Something in me snapped and I put my bowl down so hard on the surface that a bit of the mixture slopped over the side. I turned to Mel and raised my voice in a way I never had the entire competition, "Why can't you just leave me alone?! Just get the fuck away from me!"
I glared angrily at my bowl for a moment before picking up my instructions. I tried to read the page but I was too frazzled to pick out the words. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Focus!
When I opened my eyes again, I saw Richard walking towards me. His voice carried, "what kind of self sabotage is this?"
For a second I considered ignoring him but my brain and mouth were not in sync. "I keep telling you how much he's harassing me and you never do anything about it. How are you surprised that I'm mad?" Richard started speaking but I shook my head. "I can't talk to you right now. I have too much to deal with."
I checked the consistency of my passion fruit curd and determined I could add it to my mould.  I walked over to the blast chiller to take out my mould and brought it back, carefully adding the curd. Everything looked to be cooling well and I placed it back in the freezer.
Richard was shooting me daggers, Aditya looked distinctly unimpressed and Miranda looked bored. Isaac was nowhere to be found. Mary Lou and Mel were chatting like the entire competition wasn't at stake and I was falling apart at the seams.
Next, I had to do a banana chocolate brownie and I started on that. Both Aditya and Richard came up to me as I was measuring my ingredients. For the first time I realized that the cameras were not directed our way at all. That should have alarmed me more than it did.
"Darius," Aditya said softly, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at me. "I can blacklist you out of this industry so fast it'll give you whiplash. No more reality TV for you. Is that what you want?"
Richard stood beside him and it felt like they were ganging up on me. "Aditya has a lot of sway with cooking competition shows so you should behave yourself. You're fucking up your edit right now, Darius."
I shook my head in frustration. "Why didn't you do anything when I complained about Mel, Richard?" They weren't getting the point. Not even a little bit.
Richard flinched. "I can't get involved in he said he said problems."
"I don't want to continue this conversation," I said very slowly but very clearly.
Aditya sighed. "You're digging yourself into a hole here."
I turned away from them and continued with my brownie cake before putting it in the preheated oven.
I started to turn the burner on so I could melt some chocolate that I'd then have to temper and Aditya huffed.  "Fine! After this challenge, we're going to take a break and discuss things between the two of you," he said dryly, "you don't have to be such a drama queen about it."
I turned back to Aditya. "You've been my cooking idol for such a long time and I'm happy I got the honour to meet you so I could discover how wrong I was."
Aditya flushed darkly and his voice was hard, "You really think I care whether or not you like me? As soon as this show is over, you'll be forgotten. You should feel lucky that you even got the honour to meet me."
"Noted, " I said thinly.
Aditya turned away and cursed, calling out for someone to get a refill of his usual coffee drink. Richard went off to follow after every one of Aditya's becks and calls and I checked my brownie cake.
I was losing control of my emotions and the only thing tethering me to reality was the sheet of paper with instructions that I was following. I kept thinking about why I'd even liked Baking Beasts, why I followed all my favourite bakers on social media, why I bought Aditya's cook books and all the winner's cook books, why I'd been star struck by this particular reality show.
I was here and I was, quite frankly, killing it. But none of it had made me feel accomplished or even good. The feeling of wanting to just walk out of there stayed with me as I worked through a dozen or so more steps. As much as I wanted to leave, my body was still going through the motions of wanting to stay and wanting to win.
Maybe there was a part of me that wasn't as over this as I thought.
The next thing I knew, noise started to filter into the room and I saw a stream of eliminated contestants enter the room. We were at the halfway point of our four hours and I smiled for the first time all day when I saw Ai rushing towards me and squealing.
She gave me a full body hug and that knocked the air out of me for a second and I laughed.
"Fuck, I'm glad you're here. Congrats Darius," she said gleefully. Then she spoke quietly into my side, "you gotta beat them! It seems like you're the only one who can."
Alex and Brian soon caught up and they were full of smiles and congratulations as well. It was all so sweet I started to get overwhelmed.
Alex was the smallest among us but she put a hand on my elbow. "Darius, what's wrong?"
"I had a fight with you know," I said, feeling shy. Feeling more like myself again.
"Damn," Brian murmured, "what'd he do this time?"
It was nice to have people on my side and I launched into the story while tempering chocolate. I'd never struggled with talking and completing tasks at the same time so this wasn't troublesome. It was almost cathartic to catch up with former competitors and especially ones who I considered my friends.
I finished off by spreading my chocolate into a pan. "So...now me and Mel are going to talk with Richard and Aditya after all this."
"Fuck!" Mel screamed from his station.
Every head turned towards him and I was looking for blood or a burn or something physically wrong with him but there was nothing.
Ai put a hand on my back. "I think he just made a mistake on his recipe, just keep calm." It was weird to see how me, Mel and Mary Lou each had our clusters of supporters crowding our stations. We talked a bit more before the former contestants had to move to watch our progress from the balcony.
I'd finished constructing my bunt shaped cake and started to push the cake out of the mould. I was careful and it came out all in one piece. Then, I poured a cooled caramel glaze over the entirety of the cake making sure to cover all sides and every inch. It looked great already as I placed it in the blast chiller. Still in the top upper right hand corner of the fridge.
My next steps were constructing the decoration domes and I'd already tempered the chocolate, put them in spherical moulds and in the blast chiller.
I also had to work on two discs made of chocolate and I set to melting and tempering more chocolate yet again.
I was good for time but the lack of sleep from the previous night was starting to affect me. My eyes started to droop and I swayed for a moment before catching myself. I took a few shaky breaths not understanding why I was so tired. Well no, I'd barely slept, so of course I was tired.
"Hey, Darius, you doing okay?" Isaac popped up out of nowhere.
"Yeah," I lied, "just a little tired."
He asked me a few questions about my journey so far, how it felt to be in the finals and if I thought I was going to win. I noticed Miranda and Aditya were asking Mary Lou and Mel the same questions.
My responses were somewhat automatic as I scooped my tempered chocolate into a disc mould for it to cool.
Then I had to repeat the process with white chocolate.
There were just so many steps in the dessert and I kept reading and rereading the instructions until the words were blurring in front of my eyes. I hadn't eaten anything today or drank a lot of water and I'd barely slept.
Shit.
I placed my moulds in the blast chiller and washed my hands to stop them from shaking. I was running on empty. But, I had to finish this challenge and potentially the next one. I didn't have time to be literally losing it.
I continued on with the steps, having to repeat a few because I was having trouble concentrating and the clock edged closer and closer to the end.
My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I carefully tried to arrange the dessert. It should've looked cleaner and I should've been done by now. The spheres were not as large as they should have been and the chocolate sticks were a bit thicker than they were supposed to be.
Sweat was pouring off of my in waves and I had to stop what I was doing several times to use my handkerchief and wipe my brow so that no sweat would drip onto the dessert.
Even worse, my hands were so hot, the chocolate was beginning to soften and I knew I had to just stop touching it.
"That's the timer! Hands up bakers."
I stepped back from my station, feeling unsatisfied with my dessert even though I'd done my best.
I was ushered to my confessional area and Dhara promptly drilled me. But, I was feeling so tired I started to nod off at one or two of her questions. But, I woke right the fuck up when she mentioned my issues with Mel.
"How do you feel about your rivalry with Mel?"
"I wouldn't call it a rivalry," I said bitterly, "and I don't want to talk about him, Dhara."
She sighed from behind the camera and absently patted the top of her black hijab as though a bit of hair had escaped. But, Dhara's hijabs were always sealed well so the gesture seemed nearly purposeless.
"Fine, Darius. You always just do whatever you want, anyways."
"Are we breaking for lunch any time soon? I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday and it's catching up to me."
She sighed. "I think we got what we wanted. The caterers are in the rec room." She started to fiddle with the camera and shooed me away.
I left the confessional area and made my way to the recreation room where we frequently had lunch. I was the last to get there and everyone else was already munching away on sandwiches. They looked like subs.
There were always a few catering staff there and I waited to be served, asking for multiple sandwiches and loading up my plate with sides like French fries and some mayo.
I got a couple bottles of water and sat in an available seat beside Ai. A bunch of tables were pushed together to create a really long dining table. At the head of the table sat Aditya, with Richard, Mel, and Mary Lou all surrounding him. There was an empty seat nearby Mary Lou, and she irritated me significantly less than the rest of them and she was one empty seat away from Ai so I'd appreciate that.
"Wow, that's a lot of food, darlin'" Mary Lou said in a voice dripping with judgment.
"Well, I'm sure you know why I wasn't able to have dinner last night," I said quietly, before stuffing a few fries drenched in mayo in my sandwich.
Mary Lou had the decency to look embarrassed but she didn't say anything more.
Aditya was at the true head of the table and he looked between both me and Mel heavily. "Alright, boys. Let's hash this out."
A few cameras were hovering around the room and I was disappointed that Aditya wanted to speak about our issues so publicly.
I looked pointedly at the camera. "Do we have to talk about this in front of the cameras?"
Aditya was keeping up the same suave, charismatic yet brooding mask he always had. "I think it's good we talk about it in a public setting. I understand that tensions are high since we've reached the last day of the competition but that's no excuse to be at one another's throats. You both deserve to be here and you have to leave it all on the battle field— or rather at your stations."
It became very clear to me that Aditya had no interest in hashing things out and that this was just another one of his shows at being "human."
I just focused on getting some energy back through eating and reorienting my thoughts. After today, all of this would be over. In fact, I had a late night flight with Trace which I was looking forward to even though I hated airplanes.
Trace was...honestly incredible. As soon as I started to think about him I still got flustered when I thought about the way he kissed me and how sweet he was. He was spoiling me every day and I loved it. He made me feel like all my issues were just lovable quirks which was as ridiculous as it was heart warming. And I missed him. Even now.
As soon as all this was over, I'd tell him how much he meant to me. Maybe I was even ready for the L word.
Maybe.
I just had to get through today.
#
Aditya broke apart my confection with a spoon and scooped pieces of each component onto his plate.
The layers were distinct and despite everything I'd gone through my dessert looked just about perfect. Aditya looked surprised at that, and broke apart the chocolate discs and the chocolate spheres intently.
Isaac nodded before speaking, "You tempered everything really well. It snaps very easily. All the layers are very distinct and each layer tastes well made." He stared at me. "It's shocking that you managed to make this so well on your first try. My only real critique is that your chocolate dome is a bit smudged from your fingers. It wasn't quite set when you removed it from the moulds, but regardless I'm super impressed. You really have a talent for details, Darius. And it's surprising because lots of men like to complain that because they have large hands they can't do delicate work. But, that simply isn't true. Every challenge and every week you manage to impress and I want to personally thank you for all the work you do. I'm really glad you entered this competition and no matter what happens I'm looking excitedly towards your baking future."
That made me a little teary because I knew that Isaac, compared to the other judges, always meant what we said. "Thank you, Isaac," I said thickly, "it means a lot."
"I was supposed to critique him," Aditya said glumly.
"You had something else to add?" Isaac asked sharply.
Aditya took a bite and he didn't react. "It is good... very good actually. Textures, taste. It's...essentially perfect."
Miranda added similar comments and then it was Mary Lou's turn to be judged. Her measurements weren't as precise as mine and she actually hadn't been able to remove her chocolate dome from the mould and so it was sitting awkwardly in the centre of the bundt cake.
Her critiques were not as positive as mine but still fairly positive.
Then, it was Mel's turn. His dessert was...a disaster. The glaze didn't fully cover the layers of the cake, there was some kind of ooze that was coagulating at the bottom of the plate, the dome that was supposed sit on top of the bundt cake was broken, and some pieces of the dome were thicker than the others.
"Wow," Miranda said, breaking apart the dessert and tasting. She winced. "What happened, Mel? You've done so well up until this point."
Mel's face was ruddy and he sighed. "The instructions were just very overwhelming for something I've never done before."
Miranda squinted. "Neither Mary Lou nor Darius have done this before."
"Yeah, well— Mary Lou is a stay at home mom and Darius works at a bakery. The playing field isn't even." He laughed but it was obvious that he wasn't trying to be funny.
Miranda put down her fork and looked pointedly at Mel. "Those aren't reasons why you can't succeed. Mary Lou being a stay at home mom doesn't mean that she bakes very often or that she bakes high level desserts. Darius has been working at a bakery for about half a year. More than half of that time he was a delivery driver for the bakery. So he wasn't exactly gaining an edge on you guys, either. Both Mary Lou and Darius are baking hobbyists. You're older than both of them, and one could argue you've had more time to hone your craft. Have you used all that extra time wisely? I'm not too sure."
Wow. Miranda gave off the air that she was above most things but her reading of Mel was particularly shrewd.
Mel was stammering but Miranda cut him off. "I don't want to hear how you feel like you're at a disadvantage. I want to hear about what you were able to do with the time you had. Mary Lou and Darius didn't bring you up. So, don't mention them."
Mel regained his composure and the feedback continued on. The flavours of his dessert were good even though the texture and overall presentation were off.
But it was somewhat anticlimactic when Mel was eliminated. He gave Mary Lou a kiss on the cheek and hugged her. He lifted her clear up off the ground and twirled her around a bit. "You gotta win this thing, now! You deserve it."
Right...because I didn't.
After hugging her me and Mel made eye contact and I looked away. He walked over to me and held out his hand.
"I want to offer a truce," he said softly, "you beat me fair and square. I don't want to have problems outside of here."
I licked my lips and stared hard at his hand. It wasn't immediately obvious but I had a lot of pride. Too much pride to accept a "truce" from someone who was racist, homophobic and largely judgmental. My parents didn't raise me to accept that kind of treatment from anyone and Cyrus would find this entire situation infuriating.
And I knew just by looking at Mel that nothing about me had changed despite what he had put me through. I wouldn't let anyone treat me like shit.
"I refuse to shake your hand," I said softly, staring at him hard. "Not after all the things you've said and done."
Mel's jaw ticked and he glowered at me before saying his goodbyes to the judges. I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to keep my heart rate down.
The cameras made it seem as though Mel took off his apron and left the facility but in reality he went up the balcony after all that.
Me and Mary Lou chatted for a bit as the staff prepared the kitchen spaces for the final two showdown.
"I really respect you as a baker, Darius, no matter what. I admire how steady you stay under pressure."
"Thanks," I said, wondering exactly what her angle was, "both of us did a lot to get here and I respect you as a baker, too." Kind of. Sort of. Not really.
The camera zoomed in on our conversation before the cameras panned to the back of the room where the main entrance was.
"We thought you might need a little support, bakers, so we decided to bring some familiar faces," Aditya called out, effectively ending our conversation.
We turned to the entrance and I was shocked to see Manny, Cyrus and my parents walk in. They were followed by Mary Lou's family but I was just focused on my people.
I think I ran over or they ran over to me because the next thing I knew I was in a group hug between Manny and Cyrus. Manny's leg was still broken but his right leg was in a protective boot. He was a little slower but still managed to get to me.
It was a relief to see them all, though it had probably been a long time that Manny and Cyrus had seen each other. But, the two of them talked over each other in excitement as they congratulated me.
My parents caught up and started fussing over me as well. I came from a tall family and my mother was maybe an inch or two shy of six feet, giving her a long, regal look. My mother was statuesque and had always turned heads. In part because of her height and due to the sheer force with which she cascaded through life. It didn't help that my mother was kind of beautiful, and before me and Cyrus were born she'd modelled and walked runways for "pocket cash" as she called it.
My father, was nearly the same height as my mother, an imperceptible inch taller than her. He was reserved, and slow to smile but was always softer around his family members.
Cyrus and my mother were just people you noticed. Me and my father blended into the background a lot more. My father was comfortable there and I wished I could blend in as well as he did. But that wasn't possible because of my size.
Eventually after hugs and kisses and smiles all the family members went up to the balcony and it was time to start the final round.
#
We were given four hours to create a show stopper dessert and a half hour to plan and sketch.
I decided to go for a cake that would be twelve layers with layer of mousse, a croustille, buttercream, a brownie layer and between each unique layer would be an almond sponge cake. It was ambitious and we'd actually been given one hour a few days ago to practice an element of our showstopper.
I'd opted to practice my decorating because I wanted to use blown sugar as a decoration and do over the top techniques.
But, I felt out of sorts and like I was somewhere outside my body. I was just going through the motions, answering questions robotically and banging out the steps of my cake.
Mary Lou always seemed to be closer and closer to me every time I moved or turned. Our stations were side by side and she was making a much simpler cake than me but her steps would be more painstaking.
My heart raced, quick turns made me feel nauseous and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. But, I tried my hardest to work through it.
Eventually, hours had passed and there were just ninety minutes left. I was about to get my cakes out of the blast chiller and start decorating. At this rate my blown sugar decoration would be a definite maybe because I was moving slower than I expected.
Mary Lou seemed to be in the same place as me and we walked to the chiller together. It bothered me again that I was nearly bumping into her. It was like she was constantly there.
I gestured for her to go first and she gave me an odd look before grabbing a pan.
"You've got lots of things darlin' so I can hold the door for you," she said in her sing song twang.
I nodded quickly and started to pull out my pans of almond sponge cake. Getting the cook right could be tricky so I was happy it turned out so well.
Just as I was stepping out of the fridge space Mary Lou let go of the door handle too soon making the door swing towards me and jab my elbow.
Any other day or moment it would have been okay.
It wouldn't have mattered.
But, I was already feeling sluggish and exhausted. So, I couldn't move out of the way fast enough. The angle at which the door hit me was the worst possible place. I lost the grip on my pans of sponge cake and both pans clattered to the floor face down.
My world stopped for a single, devastating moment.
The moment replayed in my mind as if it hadn't happened seconds ago. The pans hurtling until they slammed into the ground and hours of progress being thrown down the drain.
I emitted a low sound somewhere between shock and horror. Then, outrage.
I turned to Mary Lou and she looked between me and the pans. She did it on purpose. I knew she did. I tried to speak but my tongue felt foreign in my mouth and I could barely even breathe, nevermind get the words out.
"I'm so sorry, honey. I thought you were out of the way. Maybe you moved sorta slow—" Her voice sounded perfectly honest and genuine and that made it so much worse because I knew she wasn't telling the truth. I knew exactly what she was doing. It had been what she'd been trying to do to me the entire competition and I'd been too stupid to realize it.
The time in the first challenge when one of my core components went missing, the times where I'd nearly bump into Mary Lou in the kitchen and even when my components would be in different spots in the fridge.
It had all been her. She'd always been there. Hovering.
There was nothing in my stomach but I felt like I was going to throw up. I crouched down on the balls of my feet and clutched my head in my hands as I tried to not freak out.
My heart felt like it was trying to drill out of my chest and I couldn't breathe. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I needed to breathe. I needed to think. I needed my cakes.
A terrible sob broke from my throat and I realized I didn't have enough time to escape and have my panic attack in private. It was going to be right there on the floor in front of everyone. In front of all the cameras and the families and the hosts.
The only thought I could think as I started to hyperventilate was that at least Trace wasn't there to witness my total fuck up.