Sugar, Butter, Flour, and Love - Chapter 30: Chapter 30

Trace gave me a fond look after telling me he loved me and his face was still suspiciously rosy. "There's still a lot we can do today. I wanted us to take a small hike around the place and maybe go canoeing later. Have lunch back here and then stay in, cuddle and watch some movies or play some board games. I downloaded some movies on my tablet and brought some stuff."
I nodded, folding my fingers into Trace's. "That sounds good."
Trace smiled and we locked up our valuables in the car,  packed a bag of water and snacks and headed out. During our walk, Trace pointed out a lot of things to me, like what kinds of trees were at the campsite, the types of birds we might see and even information about the lake. He seemed to be quite the outdoorsman and it was nice to see.
Sometimes, I reached for Trace's hand on the walk and we held hands. The first time he looked at me in surprise but seemed okay with it. He was the kind of guy who liked touchy feely stuff even if I wasn't like that. I felt like even if I couldn't change myself I could act more on what I did feel in the moment instead of pretending I didn't feel it all it.
I was by no means affectionate, but I knew Trace wanted me to be. Except, I didn't know how to be something that I wasn't. So when there were small moments where I felt like I could express myself honestly then I took them. The forestry trail was was pretty isolated anyways and the few people we did pass didn't
concern me.
Of course, I was still anxious. It was a new, unfamiliar environment, and the reality of it being six months since we started dating was looming over me. So much had happened since then, and so much was still happening. But, I was glad I still had Trace. I was happy with the direction my life was taking in a way I hadn't been for a while.
"I forgot to tell you," I said while we were taking a short break on our walk back to the camp site. "One of the judges from Baking Beasts emailed me about a job position."
Trace was sitting beside me on the bench and his eyes widened at what I said. "Oh wow, really? Which judge? Not that Aditya asshole right?"
"No, it was Isaac. Apparently, he's opening a new dessert place in Toronto and he wants me to work for him. If I say yes then it's a really great position under a celebrated pastry chef. Apparently, she's going on maternity leave in about seven months and I would succeed her if I stay. Isaac said that even though I'm young, he saw how I worked on the show and he wants to give me a shot. The pay is...way more than what I'm making now. It's crazy...It seems too good to be true." Just like I wanted, I'd sent out my resume but all the places I was technically qualified for were nowhere near as prestigious as Isaac's new restaurant would be. Isaac was a pastry chef who had multiple Michelin stars at his various restaurants. This seemed like one of those opportunities you didn't say no to. So, why was I so hesitant to say yes?
"You think you don't deserve it?" Trace asked quietly. The words were crafted delicately and it was at odds with the low roughness that was Trace's usual voice.
I shrugged, looking away and fidgeting. "I don't know."
"Except," he said gently, "I think you do."
I blinked, sitting up straighter but looking down at Trace. "I don't have the technical training."
"Do you need it for the position you're getting?"
"Not really." Culinary school wasn't as much of a requirement as people thought it was. Or at least it didn't have to be.
"So, you'll be fine," Trace said intently, "My opinion is that you take it. I don't know all the baking stuff you did in that competition but I know it was a lot and I know you pick things up quickly. You're really good at baking and this is heaps above a neighbourhood bakery. But, it'll always be your choice." The way he read me so well almost hurt.
"I'm hungry," I said softly. I had a lot of choices to make but they could wait until after this weekend. For now I just wanted Trace to spoil me.
Trace didn't press me and I appreciated that, too. He had a pushy personality but he knew when not to press things. We made our way back to the camp site and washed up at a water station before starting lunch on Trace's portable stove top. I was feeling brave and I asked Trace a few questions I'd been too nervous to ask up until this point.
"How do you speak English so well?" was the first of many questions.
Trace laughed. "Are you saying that because I wasn't born here?"
"Kind of? I feel like I'm being racist."
"Well, my parents sent me and Nalini to an English immersion school. So half our classes were in English up until grade six. It was sort of an alternative school. Our parents wanted us to speak English but we also grew up around Bangla, Hindi, a tiny bit of French and of course Japanese."
"Oh," I murmured, "I've wondered that for a while. My parents grew up around English too but African accents are pretty heavy. And you don't even have an accent. Even Manny has a bit of an accent..."
"When I went to university in the states I practiced until the end of first year and by then I didn't have an accent. Oh...and about Manny... you've never... felt anything for him?"
"Manny?!" I said, horrified, wondering how the conversation had veered in this direction.
Trace focused intently on plating our food into bowls. "You guys seem close..." And then something clicked. Trace had definitely had a few odd reactions when me and Manny were together or even when I brought Manny up in conversation. There was no way that he thought...
"Hey," I said, "look at me when you say that. Are you...jealous?"
Trace looked up at me and his face started to burn red. "All the things you seem to like in a guy are in him. So I just can't understand why you guys never..."
"Manny has a fiancée, he's painfully straight and he's a big brother to me, sometimes an uncle. In fact, he is family. I have never had feelings for Manny. If anything...I was a late bloomer in that department. By the time I really started to notice boys I was in my late teens. I was a high school senior before I even had my first kiss.
"Oh, do you have a type?" Trace teased.
"No. I guess maybe pretty guys? But, I don't know..." Except, I knew exactly the kind of guys I gravitated towards. Confident, self-assured, straight forward, and in my eyes that made them fearless. And then it was always easy to notice guys who were pretty. I was naturally drawn to full, pouty lips, big eyes and expressions that made my heart melt.
Trace preened. "This would be a really good time to compliment me."
"You want me to tell you you're pretty?" I deadpanned. He had all the features I noticed and more but it was hard to just...say all that.
"Not like that." Trace pouted. "Say it like you mean it."
I took a moment to breathe, taking in the vision of Trace jutting out his lower lip like it was begging to be sucked. "You're...pretty, and your eyelashes are very long." And his skin was soft, and smooth and his smile was something I'd never get tired of. His eyes were two bottomless pools, and he was so much more than pretty. How was I supposed to describe something like that?
Trace huffed. "I guess I'll take it. You already told me you love me and that my ass is the fattest you've ever seen so I shouldn't complain."
"Wait a second, when did I—"
"Shh—" Trace said smoothly, pushing a bowl heaping with rice and chicken curry into my hands. "Eat your food before it gets cold."
I started to munch away, enjoying being so close to Trace and the light teasing. Today was the kind of day where my anxiety felt like something that could be conquered and as long as I felt able I would try to conquer it.
#
"We don't have to do it, it's okay," I stammered out softly, looking down at Trace. I wiped the sweat on my brow with a handkerchief and tried not to seem so freakishly nervous.
Except I was freakishly nervous and I felt like fucking freak who couldn't even calm down for a single second on a mini vacation with my boyfriend. I couldn't do it. It was beyond me.
There was a line up of people waiting for kayaks. It turned out the camp site offered both kayaks and canoes but finding a boat that could fit my size was troublesome. Trace was irritable because he was wearing shorts and people were staring openly at his prosthetic. I'd never seen him wearing shorts outside before but whereas I was noticing the perkiness of his ass and the thick musculature of his thighs others were noticing his prosthetic. He had grumbled that if we were going to be so close to water he had to wear his water friendly leg, and it would be easier to swim in shorts than pants.
So we were standing there and waiting for the workers to find a kayak that could fit the both of us, but mostly me, properly.  The wait and the stares were making Trace straddle the knife's edge between rudeness and polite irritability. At one point he turned around and glared at some people and that stopped the stares for a little bit. But only a little.
It felt awful to be stared at for how tall I was and I hated how people were staring at Trace so openly, and if they weren't staring they were whispering. It was supposed to be a good day, but I felt like I needed to get away from all those people. It was just becoming far too much for me.
"Oh! Here it is!" One worker on the dock said, pointing out to the water. Another uniformed worker was kayaking towards the dock with a kayak that looked much longer than the other ones they had alongside the shore.
It was a young woman who paddled over to us. "We store some of our speciality kayaks in a storage cabin on the East side of the lake. This kayak hasn't been used in a while but it's in really good condition." And then she was at the dock and climbing out of the boat.
The kayak looked a lot less scuffed up than the other ones and it didn't have the little holes that people squeezed their legs into. She'd called it a sit-on-top kayak and I was glad I didn't have to squeeze my legs anywhere. My thighs were big like the rest of me and as soon as I saw other people getting into kayaks I'd been worrying that I wouldn't fit. There were two padded seats and I wasn't sure if I was supposed sit in the front of the back.
We were in a more Northern part of Ontario and it was more common to run into native French speakers. Both workers had French accents and I felt like I didn't want other people to eavesdrop and witness my complete confusion.
I looked between Trace and the workers, speaking quickly in French, "How am I supposed to get into it? Where do I sit? Will I fall over when I get in? Will the boat tip?"
The workers blinked for a second and one replied back in French, "Normally, the more experienced and heavier person sits in the back but the two of you are very differently sized and so you should sit in the back. Have either of you kayaked before?"
"I've gone a lot of times, and I can give him direction so I can sit in front," Trace said in English, "it will be fine."
We got into the kayak and I was really nervous about it tipping over, but the workers and Trace helped me in and I could just feel all the terrible stares. I was sweating but I was afraid to reach for my handkerchief and tip over the boat. But then Trace got in the kayak and he instructed me to start kayaking with him.  He set the rhythm and we were finally away from all the gawking. I relaxed more and more the further out we got.
And then I really started to look around and I noticed the breeze in the air, the way everything smelled like nature and how perfectly the water reflected the bright blue sky. It was sort of amazing. Just me and Trace where everything was so calm and still.
I watched the strong line of Trace's back and his powerful arms as he paddled slowly. His short sleeve shirt showed off his muscles and I got the sudden desire to kiss him. He turned his head to look at me from his peripheral and there was a smile on his face. The ball cap he was wearing was low on his forehead and his hair was in very small tie at the back of the visor.
"Did you hear what I said?"
"No."
"What are you thinking about?" He called over.
"I wish we were facing each other," I said, finding talking to Trace's back not only distracting, but somewhat rude.
Trace pointed out to a more deserted part of the lake. "Let's head there! One- two, three, four."
I followed his rhythm and Trace sang softly until we reached our destination. Although Trace had such a beautiful voice he rarely sang or hummed. I'd always wondered why.
"Why don't you sing more?" I asked once we reached the spot Trace had pointed out.
He turned around in his seat until he was facing me and shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I think because my mom always liked to sing a lot at home and I got used to listening more than joining in." Trace rolled his eyes. "She's a bit of a diva... "
"Are you close to your parents?" I asked.
He nodded, raising up his knees until he wrapped his arms around his shins. "That's why I want you to meet them. But, my dad is like a love sick puppy around my mom so it can be pretty annoying. Their relationship kind of changed after they seperated."
"They seperated?!"
Trace sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's a long story, but yeah. After my accident my mom felt a lot of guilt and she isolated herself but when they got back together my father dotes on her more than he ever has and he works fewer hours and does a lot of work from home so he's around more. My mom does a lot of voice acting nowadays and has an annual concert but otherwise has a lot of free time."
"Hmm," I murmured, "what do you think about marriage?"
Trace looked right at me. "I want to get married."
I flushed, looking away. Trace seemed like he was telling me a lot more than he was saying and I didn't know how to handle that conversation. I squinted at the glassiness of the lake. "I want to get married some day, too. Something small...maybe at a botanical garden around lots of flowers."
"That sounds nice," Trace said softly. When I looked at him he was giving me an odd look and so I looked away again. "Am I being too intense?"
I shook my head. "I'm just— being awkward."
"I don't mind if you're awkward, Darius."
"Sometimes, I think you're too nice to me." I blurted out. "I just can't understand it."
Trace made a pained nose at the back of his throat. "You don't have to understand it for it to be what you deserve. You're very special to me."
I made a noise that wasn't anything like human speech and Trace laughed.
"Are you hungry? I brought some sandwiches." He changed the topic smoothly.
I grabbed one of the wrapped sandwiches and started to busy my mouth with the food. He seemed relaxed as he looked around the lake. "I'm gonna buy a cabin some day so I can just escape from the city whenever I feel like it. I could just go trapping, and fish and grow my own plants. Just me. And you, too...if you want." Trace's face was growing pink and I wondered at the strange things that seemed to embarrass him. I finished my half of the sandwich and Trace wordlessly offered me the other half. "My parents will like you, if you decide to meet them. But they're staying with me and Nalini because I come from a family where guests are always hosted. So, I understand if you don't want to come over this week."
"I think I'll meet them..." I mumbled, "I'm just really nervous..."
"Aw, baby, you will? Gosh, Darius, you can still change your mind but thank you." Trace was all smiles and he laughed gently. "Okay, where would be a good spot?"
"Maybe at a breakfast place because that way after the breakfast is over...I can escape."
Trace barked out a laugh.
"And I guess...you should meet my parents, too. If you want."
Trace's smile was gentle. "I want that."
"Do you and Nalini do anything for thanksgiving? My family usually does something with Cyrus and him and his family fly over. Unless our family dinners are at the same time then Manny comes over, too. But my Dad always said that if I want to...invite someone then that's fine. So, this is me inviting you."
Trace leaned over to touch me and the boat started to tilt so he sat back on his seat. "Yes! I'd love to go and meet your parents! Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm so glad you asked!"
Trace seemed disproportionately happy and I didn't quite understand it but I loved when he smiled so I just smiled too.
"Oh," Trace exclaimed, pulling out his phone, "let me take a picture of you. Say cheese."
Reluctantly, I smiled and Trace started snapping some shots. And then he tossed me his phone like a crazy person and I caught it. Then he started to pose and I took a couple pictures of him. I handed the phone back to him and he started to take pictures of the scenery but I suspected he was taking more pictures of me.
I started rowing again eventually and we explored more of the lake and just talked. Trace ended up not doing much rowing and so we could face each other during our trip around the lake. He told me a bit about what his parents were like. Trace spoke of them with fond exasperation and it was interesting to see. I was thankful for the fact both of our sets of parents accepted us for who we were and that it wasn't weird for us to meet each other's parents.
#
We were on the lake for about two hours before we came back to shore and then we went on another walk. This one was a bit longer than before and quieter. Trace took more photos and after our walk he announced we'd be taking our showers and then winding down for the night. Time with Trace was a funny thing where time felt impossibly short all the time.
"Do you mind helping me today?" Trace asked very quietly as we got our toiletry bags together. "I don't really like exposing my leg to strangers. So, I just want to get in and get out, okay?"
He was stuffing things hurriedly into his toiletry bag and I patted his back. "Yes, Trace, it's okay."
We were both sitting on the floor of the tent and getting our things together. There as a cord of tension making his muscles taut but at my words he relaxed and looked over at me. "I know I'm not particularly fearless right now...but I just hate when people stare. And they stare so much."
"Trace, I still think you're fearless."
He laughed and turned towards me, cupped my face and kissed me firmly. It was chaste until it wasn't and I let Trace push me onto the floor of the tent and he straddled my thighs. He bent over and continued kissing me. Holy shit I was in love.
It was incredible to feel all of Trace's weight on me with his hips flush against my own and his hands framing my face while he kissed me. I tried not to moan too loudly but it was impossible. It was just too good, and I didn't want it to end.
Trace eventually rolled off of me and the both of us tried to catch our breath.
"Did you bring lube?" I said very quietly. I knew Trace had said he didn't have any intention of doing stuff in the tent, but maybe we could...do stuff.
Trace snorted. "You're fucking hilarious, Darius. C'mon, let's go to the showers."
My face and other parts of me felt hot but I got my bag together and left the tent with Trace.
#
Trace was already wearing his water friendly leg on our way to the showers and the experience wasn't too bad. He showered first while I held his stuff and then I showered next. Trace was right about people staring but he took it well. He just seemed annoyed.
There was a small child who actually went up and touched Trace's prosthetic when we were about to head out and Trace clenched his jaw really hard.
"That's a bit rude, don't you think?" He said very softly to the boy.
The boy blinked and his eyes welled up with tears. "Oh..." he trailed off, "I'm sorry."
Trace was not at all affected by the threat of tears. "You shouldn't touch people without permission, okay?"
"Okay," He said, skulking away. His father was in the corner of the change room just watching the entire exchange without any inclination of interrupting or correcting his son.
We left after that and Trace sighed. The path to our tent was only a few minutes walk but it took Trace at least a minute before he started speaking, "I fucking hate people. My future kids aren't gonna be anything like that."
"You want to have kids one day?" I asked in surprise. I'd never thought about Trace as a dad. Is that something he wanted?
Trace nodded. "Yeah, I want to adopt. I guess the goal is to find a kid that's mixed like me and now maybe...maybe a little more mixed than me. I don't have to be a citizen to adopt here and it's way easier. So, I think I'll stay here."
"Would you adopt a child from Japan?" I said instead of considering what he meant by 'a little more mixed than me.'
Trace smiled but it seemed sad. "It's not possible. And I'm not married, and even if I were I'd be gay. Gay marriages are not recognized in Japan. So, it wouldn't be possible. Canada is the best place for me when I consider that I'm gay and I have a disability. And...you're here."
"I'm here?" I asked and I just stopped. I could see the tent in the distance and the sun setting. But none of that mattered when Trace was right in front of me and saying things that were making me melt and burn in equal measure.
He turned to face me and he had me pinned under his gaze. "You're here." He stared at me for a long moment as if I was supposed to instantly understand what he meant. Then, he grabbed my hand and lead me back to the tent.
Once we got there, Trace started to get the fire going and got out all the ingredients for s'mores. We were going to have cold sandwiches for dinner but we'd have s'mores first. But, I was just trying to wrap my head around what Trace had said.
"Wait a second," I said as Trace stoked the flames, "what do you mean by I'm here?"
The fire snapped and a thin trail of smoke wafted past Trace's face. He fixed me with a hard look. "I mean, I already told you I'm in love with you...I can see a future with the both of us, here in the city. If you want that then I want it, too." The moment felt so significant and Trace looked so honest I had no idea what to say.
And before I could piece something together the moment passed and Trace focused back on the s'mores. It was quiet until we were munching away and the flames threw strange shadows over Trace's face.
He gave me a rueful look and frowned. "Too soon?"
I swallowed down a bit of the chocolatey goodness so I could speak. "I think I'm just surprised you said you see a future with me. No one's ever said that to me before. I think I find it hard to think of my own future when everything feels uncertain and I guess because I'm...insecure. And I used to really believe that I was meant to be alone. Everything makes me so nervous and I don't know how to put myself out there and I just thought that meant no one would want to accommodate me. But, then I met you. And it's so wonderful knowing that someone is willing to do that for me.  I love being with you. From when we first met, I feel like you see me.  And," I paused for a moment so I could speak clearly and not stutter, "I know tomorrow is our six month anniversary..."
Trace smile broadened until it filled his entire face. "You got me something, baby?"
I flushed and I was glad not only for the darkness of my skin but the setting sun. "Yeah, let's go into the tent?"
"Of course, of course," Trace murmured. But, right as Trace started to put out the fire, we heard a voice call out.
"Uh— is anyone in there?" Someone called. It sounded like a woman. "I know this is a lot to ask but can you help us?"
"Jessica, it's fine," another voice said, "We can just figure it out on our own. It can't be that hard."
And then there was yet another voice, "Sam, the sun is setting. We need to get our tent up, ASAP."
"Exactly! That's why I'm asking, Jen!"
At that moment I looked over to see a group of girls walking towards us.  They looked like they could be in high school or maybe a little older.
I stood up to greet them and they each took a collective step back when they saw me rise to my full height.
"Sorry to bother you! Never mind." One squeaked out as she started to walk backwards.
I knew how women and girls lived under a different set of rules when it came to surviving and living day to day. And I also knew it didn't help that I was tall and if they were racist it didn't help that I was tall and Black.
"Uhm," I murmured, wishing Trace was saying something, "you said you needed help?"
One girl with ice chip eyes and hair in a high pony-tail cleared her throat. "We can't get our tent up. And we figured we should ask someone for help since it's getting dark."
And it was getting dark. The fact we were well into Autumn meant that the sun was setting and fast. The girls didn't seem afraid, but they did seem nervous. So, I made a choice then to make them more comfortable even if it meant exposing myself more than I would have liked.
"Well...I don't know much about tents," I started slowly, "This is my first time going camping. My b-boyfriend brought us here and he's been here a lot. I'm sure he can help..." I trailed off awkwardly as the girls stared at me like I was speaking a different language.
"Did you just say your boyfriend?!" One girl blurted our and Trace finally cleared his throat to start speaking from where he was sitting on the log.
Trace gave them a relaxed smile after giving me a fond look. "Yes, I'm the boyfriend. Where's the camp site?"
The five girls were surprisingly very diverse. Two were white, one was Black, one looked East Asian and the last looked South East Asian.
The South East Asian girl pointed out the plot next to ours. We saw a very rough looking camp site. We started over to it and Trace started bossing each of us around right away. He gave me the task of holding the flashlight so they could see what they were doing.
The tent was almost as large as our own which made sense considering there were five of them. They warmed up to Trace right away, blathering on about how they thought camping would be fun but they got to the campsite a lot later than they'd intended and the one girl who knew the most about camping had dropped out of the trip.
They were all university students who happened to be part of an anime club of all things. That made me laugh and then five pairs of eyes tilted towards me.
The tent was nearly done by then, and Trace was building their screened in canopy mainly on his own. He wasn't even looking our way when he easily interrupted , "It's rude to stare, ladies, and I think that about does it. If you need anything just call. But try not to need anything until tomorrow morning. We'll be busy."
I handed one of the girls the flashlight and followed after Trace to get to our campsite. He grabbed my hand when I caught up to him and practically pulled me into the tent.
We dusted ourselves off and removed our shoes but Trace was talking all the while. "Okay, it was super hot hearing you tell people we're together. Fuck, that was kind of a turn on. Let's kiss a little before the gifts, okay?"
I nodded and Trace didn't hesitate to kiss me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth and cupping my face to his. His mouth moved from my lips, and down the line of my throat before Trace started to suck hard on the sensitive skin.
My voice was shaking with desire. "Are we...are we going to open the gifts?"
"Hmm?" He murmured with a brush of his lips against my throat. Trace uttered a short, yet low and deep laugh that I could feel all the way under my skin. "Oh yeah. Let's do that."
Trace breathed me in for a dangerous second and finally moved away from me. The both of us changed into our PJs but I made the mature decision and didn't watch Trace change. Yes, I wanted to see his body, but I needed to focus on the gift exchange. Soon, the both of us were on the bed.
Trace materialized a small gift bag and I produced my own.
"You can open yours first," I said in a small voice, unbelievably nervous and hoping he'd like my gifts.
"Okay," Trace said softly.
I watched, very nervously as he began to open the first wrapped gift.