Sugar, Butter, Flour, and Love - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

I'd started off at Isaac's restaurant as part of the cooks making dishes for the restaurant but within a month I was working as part of a catering team that exclusively with clients to make desserts and confections for events.
I was more comfortable in that role because it was similar to what I'd been doing at Sweets N Things. But Isaac's clients were a lot more wealthy than the people who came through my old store and it was even stranger sitting down with people who made six or seven figures a year to talk about what cake design they wanted for their various events. The events ranged from baptism parties to bar mitzvahs  to baby showers to birthday parties to anniversaries to weddings and the list was endless. It made me realize how truly rich people were glad to pay such exorbitant prices and I was surprised at the staggering number of them who lived in Toronto.
Isaac's store was both a restaurant, bakery and specialty cake place all wrapped into one. I wasn't sure how he managed to work it all out but he did and we were all paid well on top of it. I only had to work four days a week which I liked because it gave me more down time.
I'd been getting used to my new job at the same time that I was planning a special getaway weekend for me and Trace. It had been stressful but today was now the day we'd be heading out on our trip.
I was just wrapping up an appointment with a client and I was antsy to get going.
The client today was a man with a shock of blond hair stylishly coiffed and who smelled of expensive cologne. He had startled upon first seeing me and kept referring to my assistant instead of me when working out the design process. It had happened before but never to this extent. My assistant, Rebecca, was a small, and matronly looking older White woman. She was motherly but whip smart and quick on her feet even though she only worked part time.
"So, like I was saying," the man called Rob continued, "it's gotta be elegant, my fiancé loves really elegant stuff. He's about to finish his residency in two weeks and I know he likes the colour purple." He wasn't even looking at me, just at Rebecca. I was scribbling down what he was saying and thinking of ideas.
"Did you look through our portfolio for any designs you'd like?" I said quietly, kind of annoyed he wasn't looking at me. "You know, number of tiers? Any things you really want on the cake? Flavours?"
Rob gave me a blank look before returning his gaze to Rebecca. "There's this cake on the website in the birthday section. It said it was for a Sandra. I want something like that but maybe more silver and gold." He held up his smart phone to show a cake I'd been lead designer for. It was a simple two tiered cake with gold and white flowers strewn about the tiers and a gold band running along the bottom of the tiers. It had been a graduation gift and we'd even sculpted a graduation cap from modelling chocolate.
Rebecca regoznized it as my work and she smiled. "We can definitely do that, do you want something exactly like that?"
He shrugged. "Like this, but not? Like, exactly the same but completely different. Surprise me. But you'll be taking care of this right?" Rob was still looking at Rebecca and my annoyance turned into embarrassment. Did he not think I was capable of fulfilling the cake order?
Rebecca cleared her throat, and looked up at me. "I'll be assisting the team lead, Darius, if that's what you're asking. I only work here part time."
The man finally looked at me, and slowly took me in. His expression was that of wide blue eyed disbelief. For some reason he was staring at my hands. "Your hands are huge, how do you manage to do everything?"
"I designed and did most of the decorating for that cake you liked," I said coldly. Ever since Baking Beasts I hated when people doubted my skills or abilities.
"Oh wow," Rob murmured, and two deep streaks of red began to crowd his cheeks. "I have to apologize then. I didn't realize. I just assumed— Fuck, I'm going to stop putting my foot in my mouth...." He took a breath and tried to compose himself. "But if you designed this then I'm fine with whatever your vision is here."
My smile this time was genuine. "Okay, them let's just discuss the colour palette you want to go with and we can finish up."
After that things went smoother and we ironed out the details before the client took his leave.
I sighed loudly once he left. "I wished they weren't like that," I said with an exhaustion that became a little more obvious every time I wasn't taken seriously.
"I'm sorry," Rebecca said with concern as she filed a distracted hand her wispy white hair. "I don't know why they act like that."
"Because they're racist? And they can't see a man in this position?" I laughed as if I was making a joke, but I wasn't.
Rebecca did the polite thing and laughed but I could tell she felt sorry for me. "Maybe we could get you a different name tag? It could say head decorator?"
I shrugged. "Maybe, but that's a problem for next week. Right now I have to pick up my boyfriend and beat the weekend traffic."
Rebecca clasped her hands together and smiled. "Oh yes. I hope you two lovebirds have a lovely trip. You just go out and skedaddle. And take lots of pictures for the memories."
My face got a bit warm at Rebecca's genuine desire for me to have a good time with Trace. I gave her a wave goodbye and headed to my locker to dress and head out.
It was hard to believe the big romantic weekend I'd gone to the trouble of planning was now here and I couldn't help but feel nervous. I'd planned and made notes and tried to make it exciting because of how desperately I wanted Trace to enjoy our weekend together.
So even as I went home, cleaned up and dragged my luggage into the car I'd rented and made my way to Trace's apartment, I still worried. Even when he came out of his unit with his duffle and a single luggage with a big smile on his face, I worried. He'd been needling me for days about where our weekend trip would be but I was silent about it.
"Is this the part where you blindfold me as we drive to our mystery destination?" Trace teased me good naturedly. His good mood was infectious and I couldn't help but relax a little. He was wearing a track and suit outfit that outlined the lean musculature of his body and he smelled like he'd just bathed in something woodsy and soft.
I snorted. "If I blindfold you people will think you're being kidnapped." I got into the car and rearranged the rear view mirror slightly.
Trace winked. "Maybe they'll think we're playing some kind of sex game."
"No one will think that."
"Okay, so maybe it's a no on the blindfold." Trace said almost glumly as he leaned back in his seat and strapped his seatbelt.
"It's most certainly a no on the blindfold, Trace." I started to back out of the parking lot and edge towards the main rod. I turned on the radio and dialled up the music.
Trace gave me an irritated glance but I could tell he was trying to play one of his games of distraction with me. It was always slow and teasing and frustrating. But, I was driving! And I needed to focus.
Trace pouted for a moment before he leaned his head back and his eyes closed until he fell asleep. He'd been working a lot on the weekends lately and I suspected he'd put in some extra hours so we could have the weekend to ourselves.
A solid hour passed with Trace dozing lightly. We were making really good good time. At this rate we'd be hours too early for our check in.
Trace woke up suddenly with a flinch and there was a panicked moment where he didn't seem to know where he was as he blinked. But then the lines in his body were no longer taut and he relaxed. A few moments of silence passed before Trace looked at me.
"You're nervous," he said softly, still sounding a bit thick with sleep, "why?"
"Well," I started slowly, "lots of things could go wrong. Like maybe there could be an accident on the highway and we'd be late or we could get a flat tire. So I made sure we left before Friday traffic and we have two spare tires." I also had emergency numbers planned in my phone and a laminated card with the information inside the car. "And if nothing goes wrong on the road then what if we get to the place and they've lost our reservations? Or they double booked us by accident. I already confirmed with them last night... and this morning, but still. And what if—"
"Darius," Trace said so softly it was almost a song and I stopped talking.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't know why I can't be normal for one weekend. I know it doesn't make any sense but it's like my brain gets so full of noise."
"It's okay," Trace said quietly, "the fact you have anxiety is okay. It's not something I could ever blame you for, Darius." The car was silent for a moment before Trace continued on in that quiet, penetrative voice, "Let's stop at a motel for a break and relax."
"But our schedule...?" I said weakly, knowing I sounded crazy even as I said it.
"We can stop somewhere really close to our destination, one of those by the hour places. Just so we can calm down a bit."
I realized the implication was that I needed to calm down and I was quiet as Trace looked up directions to a motel that was on the way and quieter still as he gave me directions to the place.
My resolve faltered and it wasn't five minutes before we arrived at and checked into a by the hour place just off the highway. I saw some long haul trucks in the massive parking lot and I wondered what people would think of two men sharing a room together.
There wasn't even a bit of hesitation when Trace told the guy behind the counter we'd only need one bed and soon we were in the room and Trace was taking off his shoes and socks.
I stood at the doorway, feeling stupid and embarrassed. What was I supposed to do? I'd never gone to a motel just to...meet a guy. Was there some kind of protocol or ordering to things? What exactly did Trace mean when he said we needed to calm down. Was that an innuendo? Would I sound stupid if I asked?
Trace walked over to me and slipped his hands under my shirt, touching my skin and letting his hands rove possessively over my body. "Do you want me to undress you?" His voice was low as he trailed his fingers up and down my skin, teasing. It seemed like the sensual mood came out of nowhere until I realized it hadn't. His hands were warm and rough in all the right places.
I shivered and then I moaned, my body becoming so hot I felt like I was burning. "I— I—please?"
Trace took off my shirt and kissed me on one pec. "There's nothing embarrassing about desiring your boyfriend." His mouth was warm and soft on my skin as he kissed me leisurely like I was a trail he wanted to take his time exploring. He bit gently into my pec before sucking against the same spot.
"But we have a schedule and—" oh, but having Trace touch me felt too good for words.
"We don't always have to go according to schedule," Trace spoke softly and his breaths ghosted over my skin. He moved a hand to my bicep and squeezed appreciatively. "Do you want me to make you feel good?"
"I guess," I mumbled, wanting him to do just that. I wished Trace could read my mind and that I didn't have to find a way to fumble out all the words I wanted to say. Sometimes, speaking felt like the hardest thing in the world.
"Darius," Trace warned me as his hands stilled, "you promised you'd try to communicate more honestly. 'I guess,' isn't an answer."
"Yes, yes. I do want you to make me feel good. But then I start thinking so much and things get lost. All I can think about right now is that I just need everything to go perfectly. This is my chance to take the lead for our dates so I need it to go well, Trace."
"I'm having fun. It's going well. But do you know what would make it better?"
I looked at him earnestly. "What? Just tell me."
"If you would just tell me what's going on in your head so I can help you."
"Oh," I said in a defeated tone. That was so much easier said than done.
But then Trace stood back and crossed his arms. "Okay. Tell me what you want us to do right now. Tell me if you want us to cuddle or nap or kiss or talk or do nothing at all. I'm okay with anything as long as we do it together. I didn't go on this trip because of what we'd do I just wanted to have some us time, Darius."
Oh. Well. His confession was unexpectedly heartwarming and I was at a temporary loss for words. Then I breathed and counted to ten in my head before finding my words. "I want you to keep kissing me like before. Please."
Trace seemed to understand my meaning because he guided me to the bed and took off his clothes until he was down to his briefs. Usually, he wore dark briefs but today he was wearing a pale blue pair that had something written across his ass that made my face get all hot.
"Oh my God," I whispered.
"What's that?"
"Why do you have that on there?" Right across his ass the words plug me up were in bold thick lettering.
"Just for fun, Darius," Trace said with a grin, "I wanted to see you blush."
"You're ridiculous," I said without any real heat.
"Let's cuddle," Trace said before curling up around me on the bed. He lay on my chest and stroked my belly. "I like how big you are."
"Big?"
"Yeah, you're tall and it's very attractive. I like knowing you're just my big, snuggly man." Trace kissed me on the chest before laying back down. "Okay, now it's your turn to say something you like about me. Go."
I laughed at Trace's silly little game, but also worried he could hear my heart beating faster at his proximity. "I like...your hair. I really like when you wear it down."
Trace kissed my chest again. "Thank you. Okay, I like when you sing. You don't do it that often but it's cute when you do."
"I like how much you compliment me," I said honestly, "it makes me feel good."
"Well, you deserve to be complimented." Trace's hand went even lower on my belly and I swallowed. I wanted his hands lower but it wasn't something I could say.
"You have a really nice butt," I almost whispered. "I don't think I've ever seen one so nice." It was perfect actually. Round, firm, and with the perfect amount of jiggle.
Trace gasped and he sat up just so I could see his grinning face. "Fuck, you are literally so adorable. This might be the first time you've complimented my ass out loud. I know I was blessed by the ass gods but I still want you to tell me your favourite part about it."
"Uh—"
Trace didn't seem able to stop from tumbling over his words. "But honestly, I'm ready to hear all about your thoughts."
"Well...I like how big and round it is. Especially when you wear tight clothing or something that shows it off. And sometimes when you move around it jiggles a bit. It's hot."
"Can we make out?" Trace said softly, his cheeks still red.
I nodded and soon he was on top of me with his hands on my chest. "Hearing you compliment me is so hot. And knowing that you fantasize about my incredible ass is even better."
I tried to correct Trace but he wouldn't hear of it and soon he was kissing my face off and nothing more. It was wonderful and frustrating all at the same time. He continued kissing me for a bit before just snuggling with me.
Somehow, I was getting more and more relaxed until my eyes were closing. Trace snuggled with me and just watched me as I inevitably fell asleep.
#
When I woke up, I felt like I'd had the best nap in the world. I didn't realize how exhausted I'd been until that moment. Trace was dozing on my chest with his leg slung right over my hip. Since he was asleep I let myself stroke his hair a bit. Okay, maybe more than a bit. Trace looked cute when he was sleeping even with half his face pressed into my chest.
It took a second but he woke up, and gave me a soft smile. "Hi," he said quietly.
"Hi," I said back, "how much time is there left on the room?"
Trace rolled off of me and picked his phone up from the night stand. He turned back at me and winked. "Not enough time for you to plug me up." Trace laughed at his own joke and I sighed, getting up from the bed to change.
"Well," I said nervously, "we'll have time, tonight. If you want, that is."
"God, you're cute. Okay let's head out, I'm curious about this surprise."
#
After a half hour of driving we were nearby our destination spot and I had to tell Trace what the surprise was. We stopped at a coffee shop where we each got a slice of their specialty apple pie and sat at a small table.
"So," I said after taking a bite of my pie. "I booked a hotel for us in this small town where we can spend the weekend together. There are some hiking trails and paths we can take since I know you like being around nature. It's not apple picking season but there's this thing called the Apple Trail where we can taste taste apple-ish things and I scheduled us for a nature hike, a cooking workshop, and a wine tasting event." I dug in my bag while I was talking to pull out Trace's copy of our three day itinerary.
He was staring at me all big eyed and he took the papers silently.
"Is this okay?" I asked him hesitantly, "I tried to think of stuff we both like and I know you like the idea of getting away—" I stopped myself when Trace got up from the table, walked over and gave me a hug.
He hugged me tight and his voice was low yet emotional. "Thank you, Darius. I'm touched by how much planning and thought you've put into this. And you're right I do like to get away from the city and this is the perfect kind of trip."
The hug was awkward with me sitting and him crouched over but it felt so good and there was a solid second where I didn't want him to let me go. He gave me a kiss on the cheek before going back to his seat.
I felt nervous but happy that Trace seemed to be on board with my plans. He paged through the itinerary slowly, running his finger across the timeline of how I envisioned our weekend.
"Wow, this hotel is pretty strict, huh?" He said as he looked at my description of the hotel's rules.
The place was once a residential estate that had been converted into a small hotel. There were only four suites in the entire place and I'd booked us their most expensive and largest King suite which had a view of a hiking and cycling trail as well as the wilderness. I'd checked google earth, other reviews from people who had stayed at the hotel and looked at pictures on the hotel website so I knew exactly what I was getting into.
Check in could only be between 3pm and 9pm, there was no eating permitted in the bedrooms, quiet hours after 9pm, no unregistered guests in bedrooms, no pets, and no one 19 or under was permitted to book or be a guest in the room. Yes, it seemed a little strict but I liked that it seemed like it would be a quiet place that wasn't too overwhelming.
We finished our apple pie and I checked off that item on my list. I had a colour coordinated duotang folder that was organized by day. We were only on day one and we'd gotten to the small town safely as well as tried their famous apple pie.
I looked up and saw Trace taking a picture of me with his phone.
"Try to smile, baby, I want us to document our weekend."
"Cheese," I said somewhat half heartedly as I forced myself to smile. Trace was right... I would have to be willing to be photographed. Memories were important.
After that we made our way out and headed to the small hotel. It was a sprawling three storey estate with a slightly Victorian inspired architecture. It looked more like a house than a hotel but the signs surrounding the building told us otherwise.
The architecture was slightly Victorian inspired and the backdrop of startlingly tall trees made it feel like it was nature's little secret. Trace commented on how cool it looked as we pulled into the small parking lot.
Once we got there there was a sign to take our shoes off at the door and Trace's good mood seemed to dip a bit. The entryway was wide and I positioned myself slightly in front of Trace so no one would have to see him methodically take off his shoes. To my surprise he pulled a pair of slippers out of the top of his duffel which he then put on. One slipper had a tight strap that looped around the back of his ankle and allowed the slipper to stay on securely.
A middle aged Black man came towards us as we entered and gave us a polite smile. "I take it you're Darius?" He said, looking me up and down carefully. I recognized him as Marcus, one of the co-owners of the hotel.
I introduced myself and the host was able to get us checked into our suite and he gave us instructions and a key to our room. Soon we were headed up the stairs to our suite, and I made sure Trace entered the room first.
As soon as he did he gasped. There was a large bouquet of roses on the bedside table and he walked over to them and picked up the card. He read it out loud, "'Dear Trace, thank you for coming on this trip with me and I hope you have a great time. Let's have a romantic weekend together. Love, Darius.'" Trace turned to me and his eyes were wide. "Aw, baby," he said softly before coming over to me. He gave me a quick kiss before taking some pictures of the bouquet. Then he held it up and instructed me to take some pictures of him with the bouquet. He was smiling so hard in the pictures his cheeks must have ached.
We spent the next hour organizing our room, refreshing ourselves and getting ready to head out to dinner.
#
The restaurant was nice, and we got to sit on an enclosed terrace that overlooked the small town. Trace was quieter than usual but also much more affectionate. He stood closer to me and I indulged in his closeness by offering him kisses and touching his arm or his hand as we talked and ate our dinner. I was getting better at the touching Trace thing even if it was slow.
And the date was fun— even when Trace took pictures and asked the waiter to take pictures of us.
When we got back to the hotel, we hurried up to our room quietly, and Trace was kissing me wherever he could reach.
"Take off your clothes, Darius," Trace said quietly, but firmly.
I fumbled with my trousers, and Trace helped me with my shirt, just worshipping my body. "You're so hot, Darius. I love your body."
"And me, right?" I said, softly, only teasing a bit.
But Trace stopped all his movements and gave me a significant look. "Of course I love you, Darius. I'll always love you. Okay?" He gripped my hips and looked up at me.
My face grew hot and I nodded. "Yes, okay."
It didn't take very long to be naked and then we were on the bed and making out. Trace's hands started to travel south when I realized I forgot something.
"Oh," I mumbled, "wait." I pushed Trace away gently and got up from the bed to rummage through my luggage. I took out a small wrapped box and went back up on the bed with it. This was surprise number two and I couldn't believe I'd nearly forgotten it.
"Oh wow, a gift? What's the occasion?" Trace tossed my boxers to me and slipped his briefs back on. "Put on your boxers or else I'm going to be too distracted to open it."
I got them on and moved under the covers. The box I'd given Trace was blue with a golden bow and he undid the bow and opened the box to reveal a necklace. It was a matching engraved necklace based on the one Trace had given me. It felt awkward that I was the only one who had the necklace and I'd saved up a bit to get a nice one for him.
Trace's eyes glimmered when he recognized it for what it was. He sniffled. "Oh, wow," he murmured.
Then, he gave me a tight hug as he spoke, "thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Darius. I'm seriously going to treasure this forever. Fuck, this is so fucking thoughtful." He peppered kisses on my face before his lips found my mouth and he was kissing me.
And did Trace know how to kiss me. His full, soft lips moved slowly against mine as his tongue sought and gained entrance into my mouth. His hands were behind my neck as he continued to kiss me. I could tell Trace wanted to touch my hair but he just drew circles around my neck and held me tighter.
Abruptly he stopped kissing me and picked up the necklace. "Okay, put the necklace on me before I forget."
The chain was a little long and I made a mental note to get it shortened but Trace was touching it like it was a dear possession.
"Okay, let's split up. You get the condoms and I'll get the lube," he said brusquely as he got up from the bed. "I want you naked when I get back," Trace called out before going into the washroom.
It only took a few minutes before Trace was back and he was as naked as I was. He crawled onto the bed, and took his time taking off his leg before finally pouncing on me.
"I'm bottoming today," Trace announced, pushing me down onto the bed. He was straddling my hips and rolling against me slowly. "And I want you to talk while we do it, okay?" He bent down and kissed me. "Don't be afraid to tell me how hot I am."
"Mmhmm," I murmured before kissing Trace silent.
#
We had breakfast at the hotel the next morning and Trace spent about half of our breakfast with his hand on the necklace I'd given him. It was sweet that he didn't even notice he was doing it.
We were showered and dressed for the day and eating breakfast. There were only two other couples staying at the hotel and we had the dining room to ourselves.
Trace paged through the itinerary as he ate. "You know, I don't see ice skating here. We passed by that rink on the way here and I think it would be fun. But..." Trace hesitated. "I worry about it being uncomfortable for you—"
"I wasn't sure if—" I paused and started over. "Well, I know there's lot of things you can do but I didn't know if ice skating was one of them and I didn't want to assume."
Trace blinked. "Oh no, Darius, I can skate." But his tone was a bit hard and I felt like he was insulted. "I went skating a couple days ago with my parents downtown."
"Oh— I thought—"
Trace interrupted me. "I meant uncomfortable for you because I don't know if ice rinks would carry your size at the rental place. And I don't like the idea of you thinking there are things I can and cannot do. I won't get offended if you ask but I will get offended if you assume."
I slumped in my chair and I felt really embarrassed about my assumption. "I googled if below knee amputees can skate and the results were really mixed but you're right and I should have asked. I'm sorry," I said quietly.
Trace shrugged. "I know that for you it always comes from a place of care so it's okay. But I was really lucky and I have a lot of leg left which allows me to do a lot of things. But anyways, can we fit in skating somewhere on the schedule today?"
There was some room in the morning and if we did it right away then there would be time. But I hated spontaneous plans. They bothered me. I was silent for a moment, and a little bit frustrated. "I guess," I said quietly.
Trace's expression changed and he leaned in closer to me and opened his mouth. But before he could say anything more people started tumbling into the dining room and the host came to collect our plates.
I searched the ice rink place on my phone to see what it was all about. It made me uncomfortable that I was going somewhere for the first time without knowing much about it. And I didn't really want to go skating. I wasn't sure Trace wanted to either. In that moment it just felt like he wanted to prove to me that he could do anything. But he didn't need to prove anything to me.
We went back up to our room to gather our bags for the day and Trace touched my arm as soon as the door closed behind us. "I feel like I've fucked up somehow but I don't understand why," Trace said softly, "can you tell me what's wrong?"
I didn't want the awkwardness or the serious conversations. I just wanted to have fun with my boyfriend like we'd been doing for the last day and a half.
I turned away from Trace slightly as I pushed some stuff into my bag. "It's nothing. Let's just get ready to go?"
Trace stepped closer to me and put his hand behind my back. "It hurts my feelings when you're not honest with me."
I froze. "What?"
"Sometimes you just...shut me out because you're hurt or embarrassed but you can tell me stuff and I won't judge you."
I turned to look at Trace and he was standing there patiently, just waiting.
"I don't...want to go skating," I said finally after long seconds of us looking at each other.
Trace rubbed my back and he didn't seem upset at all. It confused me. I hadn't exactly expected him to be mad but maybe more openly frustrated. A big part of me was user to people being annoyed when I said I didn't want to do something. "That's fine," he said softly, "we don't have to go."
I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. "You're not upset with me?"
He shook his head. "If we're being honest...I don't really want to go skating either." Trace gave me a sad smile. "Sometimes I do stuff to prove I can and not because I want to. I didn't like the idea of you changing your plans for me to accommodate me. And I definitely could have been nicer to you downstairs. I shouldn't have reacted like that."
"Trace..." I said with emotion, "that's not the reason I didn't put it on the itinerary. I just didn't want to go skating and I didn't think you'd want to go either. So I did kind of assume. And— you kept interrupting me. Sometimes it's hard for me to say stuff and if you interrupt me then it makes it harder."
Trace's eyes widened. "Fuck, you're right. I was acting like an asshole. I'm sorry."
I moved closer to Trace and gave him a hug. He made a soft noise of contentment and buried his head in my chest. We stayed like that for several long seconds before we separated and I gave Trace a kiss on the cheek before we got dressed for a walk on the trails.
We headed down the steps and we were each holding a pair of our winter boots. We settled to put them on in the mud room and Trace had a really hardcore pair of boots. He explained how they were comfortable and provided good traction when he walked. He'd been using the same brand of shoe for years.
The trail we took was really wide and we held hands as we walked together. Our breaths were coming out frosty in the air and it was kind of enchanting to walk amongst the snow capped fir trees that scraped the sky and all the bare trees weighed down by snow.
"So," Trace said after a bit of small talk, "do you celebrate Christmas?"
I shrugged, squeezing Trace's hand a bit tighter. "Non-religiously? Yeah. How about you?"
"Christmas isn't like here back in Japan. I usually get something small for my sister and my mom or... a guy."
"Have you ever spent Christmas with a guy before?"
Trace stopped walking. "Lunch and gift exchange? Yeah."
"Oh. So, it was serious?" I realized for the first time Trace had never told me anything about his exes before. Had he even had exes? He must've had exes. Trace seemed like the kind of person who was confident enough to seek out relationships and he seemed secure enough to have good ones. I wondered about how many people there had been before me.
"Is that a bit of jealousy I detect?" Trace teased and he laughed when I stumbled for an answer.
His eyes were creased in delight and we weren't watching where we were going. It happened so fast. Trace left leg slipped forward and his body just went out from under him. I grabbed Trace but there was enough momentum in his fall that he carried me down with him and we fell into a heap on the side of the trail and onto a bed of snow. Half of me fell onto Trace and he let out a loud oof.
"Oh shit," I exclaimed, "are you okay? Fuck, I think I made things worse." I moved off of him but he was just laying there for a moment staring up at me. His lips and nose were a bit pink from the cold and he was breathing fast.
I roved my hands over his body, touching his chest, his arms and then his thighs, looking to see if something didn't feel right. "Are you okay? Does it hurt somewhere? Did you hit your head? Are you dizzy? Are you cold? The snow is pretty soft but maybe that's the adrenaline talking. Say something, Trace."
He sat up and I gave him room. Finally he turned to me. "I'm fine, Darius. It's just a fall. Your concern is adorable but I'm seriously okay."
I wanted to ask him about his leg but I felt like that was going to make things worse. So, instead I helped him up and checked him over with my eyes. "We can go back to the hotel and relax the rest of the day," I suggested softly.
But, instead of replying Trace just put my hand in his and  continued walking down the trail. "I was sixteen years old when I lost my leg, Darius," Trace said quietly. He wasn't looking at me while he was talking but he was still holding my hand. "I've spent almost half my life like this and I know when I need to rest. Okay, baby?"
I knew he was chastising me in his own way and I was officially humbled. "Okay," I said softly.
"But," he said quietly as he stopped. Trace held my hands and looked up into my eyes. His lips were parted as he prepared to continue speaking. I was fascinated by the ripe strawberry red plumpness of his mouth and the faint stubble on his chin.
Before he was able to say anything I leaned down, cupped his face and kissed him. I wasn't quite sure what came over me. I just knew Trace was there and beautiful and in the moment I let my thoughts direct my actions.
He let out a surprised groan into my mouth and his hands which had come up in surprise on my chest now grasped my jacket and pulled me closer.
We kissed until Trace broke away from me with sudden suspicion. "Did you hit your head when we fell? You don't normally—"
Instead of answering I kissed him again. I didn't understand how there were times, like now, when it could be so easy. When my mind wasn't fighting me I could do just about anything. Trace stopped kissing me again and promptly turned on his heel and started walking back to the hotel. "We have some time until the vineyard tour, so let's go back to the hotel."
His sudden urgency was flattering and I laughed. "Yes, okay. Have I told you I love you?"
Trace's eyes widened. "Not often enough. Say it again."
My belly felt like it was full of butterflies and my cheeks burned but I got the words out somehow. "I do love you. I couldn't push myself so far out of my box for someone I didn't love as much as you."
Trace didn't reply but gave me a look of thankfulness and we walked hand in hand back to the hotel.
#
Trace was giving me bedroom eyes even when we were at the bottom floor of the hotel and taking off our shoes at the shoe rack. It always took Trace time because of his prosthetic and at this point no one at the hotel had actually seemed to have noticed his prosthetic except for me. Or if they had I hadn't noticed.
But right then one of the hotel owners was passing by and stopped in his tracks to stare intently at Trace's foot.
Trace was still smiling at me until he noticed where I was looking and his expression fell. He got his indoor shoes on and put his fingers through mine.
The man came up to us. "I didn't realize," he began softly, "will you be okay getting around?"
Trace's voice was hard and flat, "Do I seem like I won't be okay getting around?"
The hotel owner was clearly taken aback by his aggressive tone and I didn't want there to be issues. I put my free hand on Trace's back and stroked broad circles against  him. He relaxed and sighed loudly.
"We were just going upstairs," I said lamely.
The man blinked at us and I could see his blush crawl up his cheeks in dark red splotches. "Honestly— I didn't mean anything by it," he said loudly.
Me and Trace just rounded the corner and went up the stairs to our room. I was talking softly to him even though he wasn't saying anything to me.
"I'm sorry," I said first, "I know you don't like hearing stuff like that because you think people are treating you differently and acting like you're incapable of doing stuff. But we both know all the things you're capable of. You do triathlons, and you can skate and I'm sure you can dance, too. And he doesn't know you, Trace. He doesn't know anything about you so you don't have to pay attention to it."
Trace's expression was flat and hard and for long seconds I didn't think he was hearing anything I was saying. And then he exhaled and some life came back into his eyes. His voice was still tight when he finally spoke, "okay. Okay, I get it."
"Yeah?" I said softly.
"Can I hug you?" Trace asked instead of answering.
I nodded and before I knew it Trace was pushing me onto the bed and sprawled inelegantly against me. He was breathing slowly and it was just quiet. I turned different words, phrases and anecdotes in my mind but I realized there was nothing in that moment that I could say and that was okay.
And as talkative and chatty as Trace was he was still the kind of person who sought comfort through touch. Touch that I hadn't been giving him as much as he needed during the entirety of our relationship.
The one thing I could do would be to be there for him and that's what I would do.