Summers & Starbucks - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

Kaiden
We reach my house and Nathan stirs awake at that exact moment, still groggy.
"Ugh, I feel like shit!" he moans, leaning on me when I help him out of the car.
"That's what you get for doing weed," I mumble, supporting his weight.
Everyone is waiting outside.
"Fucking hell Summers, what did I tell you about drinking?!" Max snaps, eyeing Nathan's delirious state.
"I promise you we will win tomorrow okay? If we lose, I will do anything you say Maxie!" He giggles, pulling Max's cheeks. Bella laughs.
Daniel is carrying Raven who is passed out, looking impatiently at me to open the door.
Max, Bella, Luke and Alex leave for their respective homes. Apparently their parents had told them to come home, no matter how late. Thankfully they were all sober.
Everyone else follows me inside, Nathan woozily holding onto me. I take him upstairs and make him sit in my room.
"Wait here. Don't fucking move okay?" I warn Nathan. He hiccups but nods, sending me two thumbs up.
I go to the others. Daniel puts Raven in my parent's bed and I lock the door to the room. Ryan, Daniel, Aaron go to the guest room. I bid them a goodnight.
"About time!" Nathan laughs, sprawled upside down on my bed. "Where were you?"
"Managing my guests."
"I need to change... clothes," he says. He stumbles into my closet. I follow, not trusting him to stay steady.
"I would sell my soul to have this house!" he laughs.
It's amusing seeing him this wasted. I know he's going to have a horrid hangover tomorrow. I watch him struggle with the door and shake my head.
I slide the door open and he whistles.
"Oh, so that's how you do it! Fancy doors!"
He pats them like a dog. I laugh and hand him his earlier clothes on a hanger before turning on the shower. He happily thanks me. I keep the bathroom door open, for fear of him falling or damaging something.
I swear I didn't peek!
Soon, we're both showered and changed.
"Ah, bed!" he laughs, falling face first on my duvet. "It's so soft, I feel like a princess! If you die, leave this bed in your will for me, okay Kai-Pie?"
I laugh, falling into bed as well.
"You dumbass, gave me a scare. Who told you to wander around the streets?"
"I was running!" He giggles like a kid, sliding a finger down my nose. I scoot away immediately, feeling sparks run down my spine.
Fuck, Nathan don't do that.
"Running from?"
"Everything," he whispers, turning away. "Myself, my life, Bella."
"Bella?!"
"I was terrified she would tell everyone so I ran. It was a stupid mistake!"
"Tell everyone what?" I press.
I hate that I'm taking advantage of his drunk state to get information about him but if he's sober, all I'm going to get are a bunch of lies.
"I can't go through that pain again," he says, confusing me even more.
"Again?"
His eyes fill with tears and he turns his head away. My stomach clenches at the sight.
"Nathan, you're not making any sense. What happened? Why are you crying?"
I grab his shoulders and turn him to face me. His hair falls on his face and I push them away, raking my fingers through the soft curls.
"Kaiden, am I not good enough?" He asks suddenly, a haunted look in his eyes. "Am I not good enough to be friends with, to be loved, to have a happy life? Do I not deserve it? Am I such a bad person?"
His voice cracks. I grab his hands in mine, rubbing circles on them. The sudden shift in conversation worries me.
"No! No, of course not! You're amazing and kind and brilliant! You're a great person, Nathan!"
"You're lying to me, aren't you?" He laughs and it's so devoid of emotion, cold and hollow.
"What? No. Nathan, you deserve all the love and so much more. You deserve happiness and good friends. And you deserve all your grades and a successful life!"
"Then why - why do I have to fight for everything?" he asks quietly.
He sits up, pushing his hair back in frustration.
"Hm?" I frown.
"Why does the thought of hugging my own father feel alien to me? Why does the mere thought of asking my mother for something give me panic attacks? Why did the only person I ever loved, completely desert me? The fault has to be mine, right? I am the problem," he says, voice cracking and he looks away again.
What do I say to this? I cannot begin to comprehend his situation and his feelings.
"My mum and dad are separated. Mum thinks I'm a waste of space. I'm your fucking kid for fuck's sake! Why do I have to keep proving that I'm worthy of your love?" He groans.
That's why he never mentions his parents. I wouldn't even have found out about his mum ever if I hadn't showed up at his home. I can't for the life of me imagine living in a separated family or having unstable parents.
"I'm so fucking tired. Of the taunts, the ignorance and the expectations. I want to end everything. This pain and all the sadness inside me. I want it all to stop."
His sounds exhausted.
I don't want to think about how many times this thought has crossed his mind. His words break my heart. I squeeze his hands, trying to push my own tears down. The one time I want to be strong is the one time my tear ducts won't co-operate.
"Why am I even telling you this?" he laughs dryly. "You don't even care. Nobody cares. You, with all these words and promises. In the end, when we finish school, you will leave too."
"Nathan, listen to me! Look at me."
He looks up, so vulnerable and.... broken.
"You're going to get through this. You're strong and you have to get through this! Not for your parents or that person who left you, for me! Can you do it?"
"For - you?" He asks, eyes bloodshot from unshed tears.
"Yes. Because I will be here whenever you need me, okay? I will never abandon you and I promise to not intentionally hurt you," I smile, begging him to listen to me. "But you're going to have to stay alive and fight. For me!"
"Why? Why do you keep being so nice to me?"
There's that stupid question again.
"Can't you see it? You idiot, I've already told you. I'm not being nice to you. It's something that every human deserves. This is how normal people behave with each other. This is how friends are supposed to be, this is how a family is supposed to be!"
My whole face is wet with tears. I feel all of his pain and it hurts to know he thinks that he doesn't deserve anything good.
"This is how you deserve to be treated everyday! With respect and kindness and love and care. Not abused or manipulated and abandoned over selfish reasons!"
"It hurts so much, you know?" He sniffles, his head falling on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him as tight as I possibly can.
"It hurts everywhere. There's a gaping void in my chest and nothing seems to ever fill that."
He pulls away from my hug.
"I am tired of holding on."
"You don't have to be strong anymore, Nathan, it's okay. You don't have to have it all together. You can let go," I whisper, running my fingers through his hair.
His head lands on my shoulder again.
I think my words have the desired effect because the sobs that rack his body, make my chest ache. I'm so thankful there's no one around to see him crumbling. My shirt is soaked with his tears.
I don't know how long I stay there, just holding him.
He cries and cries.
It's like everything he's been holding in, every rejection, every insult, is released.
His sobs turn to sniffles eventually, until he completely stops, his head buried in my shoulder. His breathing evens out and I shake him a little.
"Nathan?"
He's passed out.
I sigh, gently laying him down and put the blanket over him. He looks peaceful, his lips and nose red from the tears.
I change out of the soaked shirt, feeling drained. The clock tells me it's nearly 4 am. I get into bed beside him and push back the few strands of hair on his face.
"I promise you, you're always going to have me, no matter what."
I really hope I can keep the promise.
I wake to someone shaking me. I open my eyes, blinking rapidly to adjust to the dark room. My arms are around Nathan, his head on my chest. He's hitting my arms.
"Kai, I have to pee!" he groans. "Let go of me!"
I sit up, releasing him. He gets up and runs to the bathroom.
I yawn, stretching. I turn on the night light. It's almost 6 but still dark out. Nathan will probably have practice matches today, before the final game. At least it's a home game so they don't have to travel.
He comes out of the bath, sporting terrible puffy eyes. He falls into bed again, staring up at the ceiling. I walk to my bathroom, brush and freshen up.
"Good morning," I mutter tentatively, wiping my face with my towel. I wonder if he remembers anything. "You feeling okay? There's water on the nightstand."
"Morning."
He sits up and downs the entire thing in one go. He's in pretty bad shape if his blank stare is any indication. He probably still has a lot of alcohol in his system.
I sit on the bed, rotating my stiff shoulder.
"I'm sorry about last night," He says quietly, voice hoarse. "I shouldn't have dumped all of that crap on you. It's not your burden to bear but... thank you, you know, for being there."
I nod, turning to face him.
"I'm glad you told me that. You don't have to think about whether or not it will be a burden to me. You can talk to me anytime, okay?"
He sighs, hiding his face in his hands, then sits upright, facing me.
"You understand me. Even if you don't, you make an effort to try. I meant what I said that day, Kai. You make me really happy and I hope someday I can return that feeling."
His voice is nearly gone from the crying.
"You do. Ever since I met you."
"What?"
"I wasn't in the best place mentally when I came to that camp. But it changed because of you."
I had not imagined I would be telling him these things like this, hungover in a dark room, sitting on an unmade bed.
"Meaning?" he whispers.
"You were the sole reason I could make it through my spiralling thoughts. You made me feel like I wasn't just my fat. That I mattered even otherwise."
His eyes are wide.
"I was bullied in school last year by my ex."
"I know," he sighs. My eyes widen.
"I don't know the details but I know what happened. Raven told me."
Oh.
"Yeah, so because of that, I had serious self esteem issues and I had planned to spend the summer in isolation at the camp."
He nods, telling me to continue.
"Until I met you. You were so annoyingly happy and you made sure I was present in everything. It felt like you missed me when I didn't attend camp events. I felt like I mattered. You made me look past my flaws. You helped me find happiness in being as I was and yet made me change. You're the sole reason. So actually, it's me who is returning that feeling to you."
"You're kidding?"
"Nope, completely serious. You're like sunshine, even if you don't realise it. Only when I focused on you, did I understand the darkness. That's what makes you shine more, because you're kind and loving despite everything in your life telling you not to be."
His eyes shine with unshed tears. I smile.
"Aw man, don't go soft on - mm!"
Oh my fuck.
Nathan's kissing me?!?!
I blink. He really is. His hands are caressing my jaw and his mouth is against mine and... Oh my god, is this happening?
He pulls away, eyes wide, going red.
No, no, no wait! Don't stop!
"I'm - I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that!" He stutters, moving away rapidly.
The adrenaline in my veins is going to make me faint.
"I must still be drunk, I'm so sorry Kai!"
Say something Kaiden, you dumbass!
I stare at him, unable to form a coherent thought process. He did not just kiss me. He did right? Am I dreaming? Fuck this is all a dream. A fantastic fucking dream.
"Kaiden?!" He shakes me.
Not a dream!
Not a dream?!
"You - why?" I stutter, touching my lips.
He blinks before getting up, slamming the door of my room, leaving my sight. I don't follow, too stunned to move.
Nathan Summers kissed me?!?!?!
I bury my face in a pillow and scream. I should have fucking kissed him back! I should have told him I fucking liked him.
I don't think I can stay away from him after that.