Summers & Starbucks - Chapter 29: Chapter 29

Kaiden
I step back to run but my back hits a wall. An evil glint is in his eyes and I realise has me cornered. He steps closer and a cold feeling on my stomach makes goosebumps rise everywhere.
He runs his hands on my torso, leaving a trail of paint. The coolness goes from my navel to my sides, making me shiver again. His fingers skim my chest.
He looks up, straight into my eyes, his fingers lingering on my V-lines. I look down and my shirt has ridden up to my chest.
"What- what are you doing?" I whisper, skin feeling like it's on fire despite the cold of the paint. My voice sounds foreign, low and husky.
"I don't know..."
My heartbeat rises to a crescendo. I know he can hear it.
"Fuck this."
He grabs my shirt and kisses me. Hard.
Stars explode behind my eyes.
This time, I'm kissing him back. I kiss him feverishly, like he's going to disappear. I can't get enough of him. No girl even came close to this feeling. Nothing has ever made me melt, sending heat right down to my fingertips.
He pins me to the wall, hands above my head and grabs my jaw, making a sharp pain shoot to my skull.
"Ouch," I whimper in his mouth and he pulls away.
Holy fuck.
I slide down the wall, burying my head in my hands. I feel like I touched a live wire, my ears are ringing.
I don't think I've ever felt like this before, not even with Sam.
"I'm sorry it was - "
Fuck no, not again. No.
I stand up quickly, glaring at him.
"Don't fucking say that again! Don't tell me it was a mistake. If it was a mistake, you wouldn't have done what you just did!"
I still have goosebumps from where he touched me, if not a semi hard-on.
"I got caught up in the moment. It doesn't mean anything."
Ouch. How dare he?!?
"So, you kissed me a second time because it doesn't mean anything to you?! Please tell me, why the FUCK should I believe that?" I yell.
He pushes me against the wall, pressing a palm to my mouth.
"Stop yelling! If my mom hears, I'll be in deep shit!" He snaps with so much venom, I fall silent immediately. I don't want her to come in at all, for both of our sakes.
"You should go."
"What?!" I laugh in disbelief but my eyes are stinging with tears.
"I mean it. We should stay away from each other. You should stay away from me."
His voice is devoid of emotion and he's looking at the balcony door. He makes me want to slap him and then kiss him senseless.
"You've already said that! And I was trying my goddamn best to stay away Nathan! I haven't initiated anything so don't fucking tell me to stay away because I am not the one who has to stay away! It's you!" I snap.
"You're the one confused! And I won't stay away. Not after....this! Who the fuck do you think I am?!"
I am so close to yelling but I don't want to get in trouble either.
"Look at me when I speak to you, goddamit!"
I grab his hand. He jerks back, annoyed. He has some audacity.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?! Stop being toxic! Stop fucking with me and my feelings because you're unsure of your own!"
He makes a tsk sound. I push him by his shoulders, my temper rising even more.
"What happened to you being straight, huh?!"
He's not even fighting back but he grips my wrists tightly. How can he be so fucking neutral?!
"Am I supposed to believe you?! All you've done is lie to me! You reject me, then you kiss Theo and now you kiss me again?! Newsflash Nathan, straight guys don't fucking kiss other guys!"
He lets me go, eyes wide. I massage my wrists, the red mark stinging.
"Theo -?!"
"Your drunk ass was blabbing about doing weed with some Theo that night. And guess what, everyone saw you kiss him! You weren't exactly keeping it a secret! If it's him you want, tell me. Be man enough to fucking own up to what you want. I'm a person, not your fallback option!"
"Kai - " He whispers, sounding strained.
"What?! WHAT is so hard about being honest?!"
"Everything."
"Are you confused? Is that what it is? Because that's understandable, but what you're doing to me, I won't stand it anymore. Sort your shit out."
I can't fucking believe I'm justifying his actions right now. I must be losing my mind. But... what if I'm seeing things wrong? He doesn't tell me shit so I'm just assuming everything.
"Theo kissed me. I don't even remember it."
"Bullshit."
"What's the point of me telling you things if you don't want to believe me?" He asks quietly, making me shut up.
At least he's talking.
"I don't really remember anything from that night, just bits and pieces about me crying to you and the next morning me kissing you."
He sighs, sitting down on the floor in the middle of the room. He drags his hands down his face.
"Ugh, fuck. Did everyone really see that?!"
"No, it was just Bella," I sigh. "And I saw the video on her phone by accident."
"What the fuck?! She made a fucking video?!"
"It wasn't intentional. She was filming Max and the others dancing and you're in the background. I recognised you. She hadn't even noticed."
His face clears. He sighs again, like he's struggling to get the right words out.
"So, why did you kiss him?" I ask.
"I didn't. I'm sure I didn't do it on purpose, I must have been too wasted. Trust me, the last thing I would do is kiss a guy in public. I don't want it to bite me in my ass."
I sit down opposite him. For once, I'm knowing things from him instead of finding out by coincidence.
"I'm sorry I lied to you. You don't deserve it Kai. I know I'm fucked up and I know you think I'm taking you for granted."
"That's what it feels like when you push me away repeatedly and then kiss me and act affectionate."
He reaches out and grabs my hand. The dragons in my gut return with full force, fluttering and this time, breathing fire.
"You're right. You've always been right. But I am not taking you for granted, I swear. Do you know how fucking annoying it is when you find out everything I try to hide?! It's not fair because I can't read you like that!"
I smile a little. He looks genuinely upset.
"You don't have to read me because I don't have anything to hide from you. You're always second guessing my motives. It is, frankly, quite insulting."
"It's a habit." He sighs, running his fingers through his hair.
"All of my feelings are always used against me, Kai. I struggle with being honest because everytime I am, I'm afraid that the consequences are going to hurt me. It's better to pretend to not feel anything at all except anger."
Oh.
It makes sense. He has trust issues deeply rooted, so much so that he doesn't let anyone close to him at all.
It's probably because of his mum. Having a parent who continuously insults your passions, it would make anyone just stop expressing any interest in them. Nathan's... just a kid.
"I didn't... I don't know, how to talk about things that bother me. God, I sound stupid. Do I even make sense?"
"It's okay to not make sense sometimes," I mutter. "But I understand now. I'm sorry I push you to tell me things all the time."
"That's just it Kai! You don't push me, you just ask about things you have already found out! It's terrifying. Even more terrifying when you're nice about it, despite me being an asshole to you. Nobody has been nice to me before, not without having an ulterior motive."
There are so many layers to his thought processes. It must be exhausting, constantly measuring your thoughts, reactions and responses, fearing that being yourself is going to explode in your face.
"I sound like a stalker," I frown. "I don't actively try to find out things about you, okay? Most things I've heard from someone else. I just ask you directly because I don't believe things unless I've seen them myself. You're new to our school and it must suck to be where you don't know anyone, and have people be horrid to you over some rumours. So well, I don't want to believe false trash that's why I keep asking you things but you just lie or fucking run away everytime !"
I look into his watery eyes. His bottom lip is quivering slightly.
"Because I'm scared Kai..." he whispers.
"Of me?"
"Of... I don't know!" He huffs. A tear runs down his face. I reach out and wipe it away, feeling a constriction in my throat.
"I'm scared so I run. It's better for me. I want to stay away from you because if you..." He shuts his eyes, more tears falling. He wipes them hastily.
"If you get any closer, you're going to get sucked into my trauma and you don't deserve that. You don't deserve my damage or the emotional baggage. I'm... I'm not important enough to waste your time on me."
"So why - why did you kiss me Nathan? Do you think that's going to make me stay away?" I whisper in a shaky voice. "I already told you that I like you. I hadn't even dared to admit it to myself till you kissed me."
His breath hitches. I look at our still entwined hands, his fingers rough against my own. My bruised knuckles look startlingly blue against his golden skin.
"I kept telling myself that I should move on. I kept it to myself all through the summer. I left camp thinking I'd never see you again. And when you came here, I was over the fucking moon! I wanted to know you more. I wanted to be your friend. I had to convince myself that I was okay with being just that - a friend. Trust me that's the hardest shit I've ever done!"
I inhale deeply. It feels good to get it off my chest. His eyes are wide.
"I wanted you to like me. When I realised you were nothing like the person I met at camp, I wanted to dig deeper. I wanted to keep you safe and happy, even though I didn't know how. So I did the only thing I could think of."
"Returning the favour?" He asks.
"Fuck, don't think of it as a favour!" I groan, facepalming. "Are you understanding what I'm saying? I don't want to fix you, I just want to be there for you but you don't even let me do that."
"Kai..." He trails away.
"You don't deserve anything you're going through. I just wish you would understand that I'm here, I'm not going anywhere and you can come running to me without question anytime!"
"Why?!" he asks. "Why do you... care?"
"I just do, okay? Just please don't push me away or act hot and cold because it means you don't respect me enough to tell me the truth. If you don't like me, tell me. Just don't mess with my emotions. It's not fair."
He falls silent, scrutinizing me.
"I'm sorry Kai. I got so caught up protecting myself that I didn't realise how shitty I am being to you."
"Thank you for saying that. I'm sorry too, for being annoying and for not respecting your boundaries. Should we... start over? No lies, no secrets?"
He smiles a bit and it warms my heart.
"That sounds nice."
"Friends then?" I stretch my hand out, smiling. He shakes it but doesn't let go.
"But Kai..." he says softly.
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to be just fr-"
The door opens and he drops my hands like hot water, moving away from me. I stand up, my heart thundering.
"It's late. If you're staying for dinner, make something for yourselves. I'm going out with a friend," his mother says. She looks at the wall, raising her brows.
"Did you draw all of that?" she asks looking at me with her dead grey eyes. "Is that why you're covered in paint?!"
I had forgotten about that. I must look like I murdered someone, all doused in red paint.
"Yes ma'am," I mutter, ears going hot.
"Hm. Well, I'll be going. Come around again sometime, maybe you'll be a good influence on Nathan. Goodnight."
She leaves, slamming the door shut.
It's dark outside.
I check my phone. Aside from a few notifications from Instagram, there's a cheeky DM from Sam.
"Fuck, it's almost nine! I should be getting back."
Nathan stands too. He doesn't meet my gaze, fidgeting with his hoodie sleeves.
"You were saying something?"
He looks up.
"What? Oh, nothing, nothing, we'll meet tomorrow in school?"
I nod.
"Nathan, I'm sorry you go through that. I hope you heal. And it's okay to share things with me. I promise you whatever you tell me is safe with me. You're safe with me."
He nods.
I pack my things and leave, bidding him a goodnight. He doesn't follow. Zeus licks me when I pet him downstairs.
I get in my car and put it on auto, sighing.
I understand him a lot more now.
It must be so hard, carrying all that burden of thoughts all the time. I'm determined to show him that he's a great person. I just wish he would believe it himself.