TAMING THE PLAYBOY ALPHA - Chapter 100: Chapter 100

: BEAUTIFUL
"What the hell Adam!" Xena yells once she successfully rests her butt on the back seat again.
The sudden halt had thrown the both of us forward, crashing into the seats right in front of us.
I rest back, rubbing on my sore neck that had been twisted painfully from the collision my head had made.
"Ouch." I say, rubbing the top of my head as well
"Sorry, guys. Something suddenly... jumped into the road. I had to hit the break."
I sit up, peeping forward from my side window and seeing nothing but an open road ahead of us.
"I don't see anything though." I say.
"Yeah, it jumped out as fast as it had jumped in." He explains.
"I'm definitely driving on our way back." Xena says, leaning and huffing again.
Adam doesn't protest and gives in quite easily to Xena's request.
The journey continues without a hitch just like that.
"Back to what we were saying." Xena resumes once again, excitedly turning to me.
I had hoped she had forgotten the awkward conversation she had brought up. To my dismay, she hadn't.
Just then, I feel eyes other than hers on me and I look forward to the front of the car and I swear, I just barely catch Adam's eyes on me from the rear view mirror ahead.
"C'mon, Freya... spill." Xena says again, pulling my attention to her again.
"We just hung out, nothing more." I say.
I feel too cornered to go into in deep details, especially with Adam sitting right here and being able to hear our conversation.
Plus, I'm not ready to be pushed into defining whatever we have.
"I really thought you didn't like him that much, but you're constantly proving otherwise."
"I admit, I didn't like him that much but then, he started changing because of you and when you were gone... Freya, he was a complete utter mess. The Silas I knew would have never done all this for just some random girl. I think he really likes you."
Her words fill me with some kind of warmth.
I mean, I knew he had some kind of emotional inclination towards me, but hearing someone else point it out made it feel more real and not just a figment of my imagination.
Silas likes me, and I like him too.
"And judging by the subtle blush going on, I know for a fact you like him just as much... after months of being in denial." She points out, squealing again.
This time, I shove my face into my palms, feeling too embarrassed to look up at her, especially knowing Adam is watching.
"Xena!"
"It's okay, I approve."
"We're not dating, Xena. We're still just friends." I point out, trying to calm my racing heart.
She shakes her head in disapproval, grabbing me by both my shoulders.
"You can't be just friends with someone like Silas. Trust me, he's going to want to claim you as his - one way or another." She points out.
For some reason, I only feel more anxious. He would have yesterday if he wanted to do that, and even if he was waiting for the right time, I don't know if I'd be able to handle the pressure.
"Yeah..." I say, trying to force the excitement she so desperately wants to see in me.
"We're here, guys." Adam says, just as we pull in to the parking lot.
My eyes move to the rear view mirror, meeting his just briefly before it shifts away and he steps out of the car without another word.
Why do I feel like he's not happy for some reason?
He walks to the other side, pulling the door open for us to step out. As I do, he averts his eyes, looking away and subtly falling behind Xena and I as we walk in.
As soon as we walk in, I'm ambushed by the sight of lavish display of items in each store. Dresses, shoes, bags, anything a teenage girl obsessed with the latest trend would ever dream of... and the light in Xena's eyes is enough to let me know what's about to go down.
Just when I try to walk away stealthy, she grabs on to my hand tightly and drags me along.
The hours that follow simply consists of us going from store to store, buying a lot of clothes and shoes, things that Xena believe would suit me because I was in no mood to play dress up.
Mostly because she keeps picking out armless dresses and my arm right now is filled with marks of abuse.
I don't want anyone staring at me weirdly.
Just as we walk into the fifth shop, I run towards the first free chair I see behind a few clothing racks, letting out a sigh of relief.
My feet and lower back hurt, and I'm exhausted.
Adam, who's been following us around and being perfectly quiet, drops right next to me, chuckling at my disposition.
"It's' not funny, Adam. I'm absolutely exhausted."
"Yeah, I can see that, but Xena's too excited having you around to notice." He points out.
Yeah I know that. She's having so much fun running around and mostly taking out things that would look perfect on me, and even while I continuously refuse to try anything on, she doesn't nag.
"I know I agreed to this, but I'd much rather be on my bed right now." I explain. "Xena's just handling everything the best way she can. Trust me, she's terrified right now, that you might shatter into a thousand pieces." "You're being awfully understanding, especially since she's been so mean to you since last night."
"I get how she feels, we all felt that way, Freya. Worried and scared, just different ways of showing it."
"Yeah, I'm kind of grateful that you're not dragging me around to do some crazy things." I chuckle dryly.
I look up at him to smile but his face turns serious again and hardened.
"Remember what I said yesterday, about not holding back anymore...? That's my own way of coping with this."
"What do you-"
Before I can complete my question, Xena pops up from nowhere again.
"There you are, guys. Freya, I found this dress that you absolutely have to try on." She pulls out a tiny looking dress that shows the same amount of skin I feel no confidence displaying.
"I told you, Xena, I'm not comfortable with trying on anything like this."
"I know that your especially self-conscious about that, but I don't care, and I'm sure Adam doesn't. No matter how many scars you have, you will always be the same in my eyes."
I sigh, still unwilling, but she gives me those darn puppy eyes that tug on my conscience. I look to Adam for assistance, but he pleads with his eyes as well.
Damn, this traitor.
"Xena is right. Don't let what happened stop you from having fun. It's just us, and we love you no matter what."
I bite on my lower lip.
"Fine, give me the dress. I'll try it on."
Xena squeals excitedly, handing me the dress while
Adam smiles widely.
The damn bastard.
But I can't help but smile back despite how annoyed I feel.
I make my way to the dressing room, very slowly, I might add. As though there's an ambush waiting for me on the other side.
I give a glance back to them, suddenly feeling like backing out. But Xena waves over to me, letting me know that she's not letting me sneak out of this one.
Fine.
I step in and after a few minutes of figuring out the head and bottom of the nude colored dress, I finally finish trying it on.
It's beautiful; the comfy elastic material, and it has a low neck that goes deep, stopping right between my boobs where my non-existent cleavage should be. Some skin on the side shows and the arms are pretty short.
It's gorgeous, but...probably not for me. Maybe it would fit someone a bit fuller and less skinny, with no purple tinted bruises. With a less shaggy-looking uneven hair and tired eyes. Someone with more confidence and a smile on her face.
Someone that's not me.
I feel bile rising up in my throat, and I know for a fact that there's no way I'm stepping out.
"Freya... you done?" Xena calls from the other side, still waiting.
I stare at my body silently, for the first time hating everything that stares back at me.
"I-I don't think I can do this."
"Freya..."
"No, Xena... you don't understand. I'm not who I used to be, I'm an empty shell of who I was. I can't be the
Freya that you want me to be."
"What do you think I want you to be?" She asks quietly from the other side.
I can already imagine the look in her eyes, hurt and sadness.
"You want me to be strong. You want me to forget my trauma and go shopping and watching movies on N** ***x with you. You want me to try on dresses and smile and have a good night's sleep." I pause, catching my breath once the tears begin running out of me.
She remains silent on the other side, and I suddenly feel like she hates me now, but I can't not tell her what I feel.
"I can't do any of that. I can't suddenly feel better because you missed me, but I also don't want to feel pressured into getting better faster because you are worried." I say, sniffling.
I've ruined the entire day. I've ruined everything with my unpredictable emotions and anxiety that just keeps popping out from nowhere when no one needs it.
And now, they're going to be so quiet around me and be awkward.
"Freya..." She starts. "Freya, I'm sorry for making you feel like you have to be a certain way so I won't be stressed out. No matter what you say, you're the only one that should be considered in all this, and I'm really sorry."
"Xena, I'm not..."
"It's fine. Even if you decide to end it here, nothing is going to change. I would still be ecstatic that you're back. Do you want to change into your clothes?" I pause, sniffling. She says it's okay, but I still feel bad.
I look at my skinny form again. It's ugly still, but I want her to at least see one of the dresses on me before we leave.
"I'll come out and show you just what this one looks."
There's silence on the other side for a while before she responds.
"Okay, that's your choice."
I nod even if she can't see me.
I take in deep breathes, smoothening out the edges of the dress over and over again, reminding myself that
I'm fine before I finally step out. My heart is pounding so loudly in my ears that I can hear nothing else, before I look up at the both of them to gauge their reactions. They both stare at me wide eyed and speechless for the longest time, and I begin to feel terribly anxious again.
Why aren't they saying anything? "Guys? Is it that horrible?" "N-No..." Adam says, rising to his feet and walking closer, standing right next to Xena that remains speechless.
"It's just... just..." He struggles to find the right word.
"It's beautiful." Xena says with a smile and residue of tears in her eyes.
A shred of guilt runs through my chest, briefly knowing I had probably made her cry from earlier.
But she's smiling so brightly that I can't help but blush.
"Yeah..." Adam says, stepping even closer to look at me.
His eyes seem hazy with emotions.
I feel extra self-conscious, feeling his gaze move over my entire figure and mad me crouch my frame in an attempt to hide myself.
But he chuckles suddenly, brushing my cheek softly so I can look at him again.
I look into his eyes and there's a spark there, soft and beautiful. I don't remember ever standing so close to him before.
With a gentle voice, he leans even closer again and whispers.
"You're beautiful."