Teach Me to Please | Please Me #1 - Chapter 49: Chapter 49

I wanted to throw up.
With all the noise around me, students muttering, giving me glares, all I could focus on was Roman and the way he was looking at me.
"Roman's there and he's easy, so why not? Sometimes it's fun to pretend."
It kept ringing in my head. In fact, all I heard was ringing, everything drowned out around me as his look of utter disgust and pain swallowed me.
He slammed his locker shut and, for a moment, I thought he was going to talk to me. I thought he wanted to talk to me. Instead, he walked right past me, and every piece of my heart shattered. No.
"Roman!" I called after him in desperation. I didn't care if people were looking at us, in my mind, it was just me and him. "Roman, please!" I chased him down the halls, gradually reaching out to him. "Roman, I –"
"You what, Sienna? You what?" he abruptly turned around and snapped.
"I..." I was lost for words as every spec in his eyes bled heartbreak. I was the reason for that heartbreak. Me. "I-I can explain."
He laughed a cold laugh, "Go on then. Explain. But first tell me one thing." He pulled out his phone, so the video played in front of my eyes.
"You ever heard of acting, hmm? I was bored and lonely and needed some fun, some excitement. A challenge more like. Like as if I would want to screw someone like that. C'mon, Nikki, you know me better, I've always loved a good challenge. Roman's there and he's easy, so why not? Sometimes it's fun to pretend."
"Tell me this isn't you. Tell me this is some horrible doppelganger. Tell me you didn't say this." his eyes burned with betrayal. I wanted to tell him 'no'. That wasn't me. That wasn't the me he knew, the true me. However, I knew Roman worked off facts and the fact was that it was me. I did say that.
"... I did."
He scoffed, "That's all the explaining I need." And began to walk away.
"No! Wait!" I ran after him. "I... I didn't mean it! That isn't me, Roman, you know the real me because the real me would never say anything like that. Please, you have to believe me." My voice cracked and tears welled up in my eyes.
He shook his head and looked down at the floor, "I don't know what to believe anymore. I trusted you, I really trusted you with everything and then you go and say shit like this?" his eyes were red and burning. "You were my first everything. The first person I ever trusted to let in, to see every side of me I've been so scared to show, but I guess that was all fun and games, huh? Now... Now I'm just... I-I'm humiliated, and I don't even know who the fuck you are." He turned to stalk away. Every bone in my body begged me to go chase him.
"No, Roman, you do know me and I... I-I'm so sorry and I want to make it better. Please let me make it better." Tears ran down my cheeks. "Roman, please. We can go back to the night of the Spring Fling; we can pretend it's all okay. Please just... I-I need you." I reached up to cup his face with my palms, guiding him to look down at me.
"You need me, or you need some fun? A quick fuck perhaps?" he believed the video. He believed everything I said in that goddamn video. Yet, I didn't blame him. I couldn't even recognise myself in it, I saw what everyone else had been seeing my entire high school career. A villain. A cruel and cold-hearted villain and I hated every single thing I saw. I felt like a monster.
Roman didn't say anything as I stood still, knowing there was no chance. He pulled out of my touch and scoffed, "I really thought you were different. I guess I was an idiot, huh?" he turned and walked away, shoulders drooped, head hung low. He was hurt. He was hurt in the most horrible pain and every bone in my body shattered as tears stung my eyes and I felt like the worst person in the entire world.
I turned around to see that everybody in the halls was looking at me, eyes full of disappointment and hate. They whispered amongst their friends, giving me dirty looks and snarky remarks. I looked to my side to see Rya, she was staring at her phone, watching that video again and again. Her makeup was ruined from tears and her eyes were red and tired.
"Rya, I..." I didn't know what to say.
She kept her eyes on the video, astounded at the things spewing from my mouth. She looked back up at me, her eyes staring at me like a complete stranger. "I don't even recognise you anymore." She whispered and backed away, shaking her head in pure disgust.
I felt gross. I felt like I wanted to throw up.
It was then that I realised my worst fear had come true. I had built and empire, and now I was watching it fall.
❦❤︎❦
I'd like to say I bounced right back. I'd like to say I came back to school the next day looking like a hot bitch and showed everyone exactly what they wanted. However, I didn't go to school the next day... or the day after that.
Instead, I pretended I was sick and snuggled in my bed in my pyjamas watching Gossip Girl repeatedly.
"Your world would be easier if I didn't come back." Chuck said to Blair as they stood at bridge of the train station.
"That's true...." Blair said teary eyed, "But it wouldn't be my world without you in it."
"She wants you, Chuck! Please stay!" I cried, pulling my duvet over my head so I was completely cocooned, and my face poked out of a little hole. I watched as the scene zoomed out to show Chuck and Blair standing opposite each other before it faded out and blacked out.
"No!" I sobbed and threw my stuffed armadillo at my laptop. Just as I did that, my door opened, slits of light peaking through.
"Our neighbours are complaining about a teenage girl having a mental breakdown." My mom said as she closed the door and walked into the room.
"Tell them to suck my dick." I grumbled and wiped the tears flooding my cheeks.
My mom sighed and placed her hands on her hips, "Okay, what's wrong?"
I looked down and sniffled, "I told you, I'm sick."
"Sick people sleep all day till dinner, not throw their stuffed armadillos at their laptop because Chuck left Blair –"
"Don't remind me!" I exclaimed. I heard her sigh before pinching my cheek to make me look up at her.
"Siena... sweetheart." She cooed soothingly. "What's wrong, baby?" that was when I broke down. My shoulders started to shake violently, and tears spilled down my cheeks in a trickling rage. Before I knew it, my mom climbed onto my bed and brought me into her arms, letting me cry into her shoulder and rubbed my back. "Shh, it's okay." She whispered softly as I broke down.
"Every... E-Everyone h... hates me." I sobbed harder.
"No... no, sweetie, don't think that." She consoled.
"It's... I-It's true!"
She pulled away to look at me and brushed the hair out of my face. "I don't hate you, and I'm pretty sure Arnie doesn't." She grabbed my stuffed armadillo and held it up to her face, "I wove you, Sienna and you're my bestest fwend." She put on a voice and spread out his arms like he was about to give me a hug. I let out a little laughed through my tears and shook my head, grabbing for him and holding him to my chest.
"What happened, sweetheart? Tell me what's wrong?" My mom softly pleaded.
I took a deep breath and tried to hold back the tears, "I... I did something h-horrible, mom. To Roman and to Rya. And now they both... t-they both hate me."
My mom wiped her thumbs under my eyes to wipe away the loose tears. "What happened with Rya?"
"I made her lose her chance at getting Valedictorian." I saw the shock on her face as I said it. "I know! I'm a horrible person and now... and now she doesn't want to be my best friend anymore." I began to cry.
"Oh, Sienna..." my mom hugged me tight, "I'm sure it wasn't all your fault, and I'm sure Rya only said that in the moment. You two have been through thick and thin. I remember the days where you both used to pretend to be mermaids and have 'tea parties' in the backyard with your stuffed animals." I remembered what she was talking about and began to laugh a little again through my tears.
"And Rya used to dress Piggy up as a crab."
My mom let out a laugh, "Yes and then he ate some glitter and threw up all over the flowerbeds."
I laughed a little harder, "I've never seen anything so gross but sparkly in my entire life." I sniffled and wiped some of my falling tears.
"People say things they don't mean when they're angry, I'm sure you'll be best friends as soon as you see each other again."
I frowned and shook my head, "You should have seen the way she looked at me when she saw what I did to Roman."
My mom gave a sympathetic smile and kept rubbing my back. "What happened?"
I tried to hold back the tears as I spoke, "I... I thought I was protecting him but... b-but I only made things worse. Now I've humiliated him, and he hates me."
"Sweetheart," she sighed calmly, "I'm sure he doesn't hate you."
"You should have seen how hurt he was, mom. I feel like a monster!" now I was crying once again.
"Come here." My mom pulled me to her, so she sat back on the bed and my legs were over her lap. "Throughout life, baby, you are going to do things you aren't proud of, you are going to hurt people and sometimes you hurt them a little and sometimes you hurt them a lot." She pushed my hair out of my face. "But it's how you fix it that matters."
"I don't know how to fix it." I confessed.
She frowned and stroked my hair, "Sometimes things can't be fixed. Sometimes they're pieced together like they're good as new. Oher times they're bound together, cracks still remaining, never neglected but cared for. D'you know what those broken pieces are bound by?" I shook my head in response. "Love."
I gave her a confused look, but she continued on, "Sometimes you can fix broken things in an instant but they're never the same. They're polished down to be perfect, erasing all the past memories. Other times you have to be patient, you have to give it time. The love that binds it works its magic day by day and sometimes those cracks disappear, other times it leaves scars but it's how you care for those scars, how you take that past and remember it, learn for it, and soon, whatever it is you broke, will become so much stronger."
I listened to her words and understood them. I knew Rya would be mad at me for a while, she was stubborn and needed to cool down before I could have a real conversation with her, and I knew this because I was her best friend. And she was my best friend. It hurt so much because all I wanted to do in moments like these was call her and ask her to come round for a sleepover to chat shit and eat our feelings away. However, my mom was right about the time.
It was Roman I didn't know about. He's told me he needed time before, but we were on mutual grounds. Good grounds. Now he probably couldn't stand my guts from how much I've hurt and humiliated him. The whole thought caused a lump to grow in my throat that refused to be swallowed down.
"I don't think I can ever fix things with Roman and I." I sniffled. "I-I've hurt him too bad. I was his first everything, mom, and I've completely destroyed all that trust."
She looked at me for a long time as I sniffed and let tears silently fall down my face before she said, "You said you did what you did to protect him." I nodded. She smiled. "I don't know much about your birth mom, sweetheart, but I do know that she sacrificed everything she loved and cared about to make sure the ones she loved were safe. I'd say that's her blood running through your veins." My parents didn't talk about my birth mother a lot, on the main previz that they never knew her. However, they weren't afraid to bring her up. They weren't afraid to accept that part of me, the part that belonged to her.
"You're strong, baby, but sometimes you're too strong. You have to realise that not everyone in your life needs protecting and that sometimes they want to fight with you." She hugged me closer to her. "I know my daughter; I know the girl I raised, and I can see that something inside of you feels like you have to hide your problems from everyone you care about in fear they'd see the mess and run from you. No matter how much reassurance someone can give you, I can tell that it isn't that easy for you to believe them."
Maybe she was right. No, she was right. She saw right through me to know me in a way I never did yet everything she said, I felt. I didn't like communicating my problems because when I did, I felt like the problem. I wanted to make the people I care about lives perfect, I wanted them to feel no pain or struggle or stress, I wanted to keep things from them so they can be happy, but the moment I fell to that instinct, I made the boy I cared about most the unhappiest person in the whole world.
That was my flaw. My fatal flaw, and a tragic flaw it was. It wasn't the stubbornness or the feistiness, not even my stupid mouth that never knew when to shut up sometimes, it was the fact that I felt like whatever problems I faced in my life became a burden to those who I shared them with. I felt like a burden.
When my parents told me the story about my birth father, I could help but think that I burdened him. That was why he left. Because I was the weight of a problem so heavy, he couldn't stand to be around me. I told Rya about it once and she said it wasn't true. She told me that, if anything, I was fire. Strong, warming, and bright. She also said 'smoking hot' but that wasn't so much in seriousness.
Despite that, telling me didn't work. It didn't matter how many people told me I wasn't a burden, how many people cared for me or showed me how much I meant to them. How much we were a team. It was something others couldn't fix. No one but me could.
And, if my mom was right, broken things were bounded back together by love, so I realised, in the most cliché way possible, I truly had to love myself first.
"How did you even figure all of that out?" I asked quietly.
She smiled and kissed my hair, "Because I'm a mom and moms have superpowers." I laughed and wiped my eyes of the remaining tears. "Don't beat yourself up, sweetheart. People make mistakes, we're only human, but it's how we learn from those mistakes that makes all the difference."
"I still don't know what I can do to make everything okay." I murmured.
"I wish I could give you the answer to that, but I can't. Sometimes life just puts you through hell and you learn a lot about yourself from it."
I sighed and rested my head on her shoulder, "I feel like a loser."
"You're not."
"You're only saying that because you're my mom."
"Exactly, because I'm your mom and I raised you. I know you better than anyone else and I can tell you right now that you are not a loser. You're just a teenage girl going through one of life's many obstacles."
I blinked the tears away and snuggled into her, "Thanks, mom."
She smiled and kissed my hair, "I love you, sweetheart."
"I love you too." I muttered and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.
"Hey." She nudged me, "How's about we put on a movie? What was the mermaid one you used to love as a kid?"
"Aquamarine?"
"Yep, that one. Let's do that." She grabbed my laptop. I hugged my stuffed armadillo and held it close to my chest as she got up the movie and hit play.
"Thanks, mom." I sighed, wiping my eyes.
She looked at me with utmost sympathy and care, "I love you, sweetheart. That will never change." She snuggled into my bed as the opening scene shone on the screen.
❦❤︎❦
The next day, I went to school.
I sat nervously in my dad's car as he drove into the parking lot. Just as I was about to get out, he grabbed my hand and said, "If you have any trouble, you know I'll come and pick you up, right?"
I smiled slightly and nodded. "Thanks, dad." And got out of the car.
You know when you go to a new country for the first time and every local looks at you like some crazy tourist? That was what everyone did to me as soon as I walked in. Whispers, glares, snickers. I got it all, and even though I had only missed two days, it felt like a lifetime had past in the place I used to know so well. A place I used to own the halls of.
This used to be my empire. Now I stood on its crumbled remains and stared into the jungle growing over.
I made my way to my locker, keeping my head down, trying to focus on putting one step forward. As soon as I reached it, I packed my bags with my things and took a deep breath.
"Lying bitch." Someone coughed behind me as they walked past with their friends. The comment made me still and beg the ground to swallow me up. Don't cry. Don't cry.
I let out a shaky breath and shut my locker, trying to hold myself together. I looked around the halls, attempting to ignore the death glares and looks of disgust as I tried to find someone to talk to, someone to drag the attention off of me.
I spotted Alyse, cheer captain, by the water fountain texting on her phone. Alyse was always nice, I never once had a problem with her, in fact, I never saw her act like a bitch... like ever. Maybe that was a safe call?
I pulled my bag up my shoulder and cautiously made my way over, "Hey, Alyse!" I happily chirped, pretending like everything was fine.
Alyse's head shot up and as her eyes met mine, they widened. "Oh, um... hey, Sienna." She put on her best smile, but I knew I was fake.
"What class do you have first? I was wondering if we could walk together." Please say 'okay'. I need someone, Alyse.
"Oh, erm..." she looked around the halls and I knew everyone's eyes were on us. "Actually... I don't think that's a good idea."
"Oh." My heart sank. "O-Okay, how's about lunch then if –" a group of cheerleaders walked up behind us.
"I don't know, I'll see you later." Alyse quickly dismissed and walked past me to her friends. As they walked away, I heard one of them mutter.
"What a whore."
That hit me straight in the gut and as I looked up, everyone's eyes diverted from me to look at their friends and talk, and I could only assume the horrible things they said about me.
I'd like to say things got better, but they didn't.
When I walked into class, whenever I went to sit next to someone, they put their bag down to block that seat. It carried on till I found myself at the back of the class all alone. I had nothing to do, no one to talk to. All I could occupy myself with was the work.
Even walking down the halls between classes was a nightmare. It was full of bitter remarks, death glares and constant whispers of gossip. Even though I had missed two days of school, I was sure I missed a lot.
When lunch came around, I nervously made my way to the cafeteria, fumbling with my hands as I entered through the doors. Luckily, because of the vast number of students, not many gave too much attention to me, but the attention that was given still felt unwelcome.
I looked around the hall, trying to find a sight of Rya but she was no where to be seen. Was she not in today? No, Rya never missed a day of school. Yet, no matter how hard I looked, I saw her nowhere.
I swallowed down the uneasy feeling climbing up my throat as I spotted my usual table and froze at the image. There was Roman. Sitting there amongst some of the jocks. The same jocks that used to bully him and knock him down, they now looked like best buddies as if they praised him. Girls sat around them, but it was one girl sitting by his side, giving him constant bedroom eyes, I found my blood boil at. Nikki.
She was practically hanging onto his arm, casually playing with his hair, flirting as hard as she could. The worst part of it was that Roman didn't seem to mind. He was popular, so popular everyone seemed to worship him, and with me gone, Nikki seemed to effortless take my place. She was the head on the table with Roman willingly by her side.
Every piece in my body shattered and fell to the ground. I found myself heartbroken in every single way. Fuck, I had never felt so much pain before. I must've looked like an idiot frozen to the spot as the whole table turned to look at me.
Roman's eyes briefly met mine in a cold stare before Nikki leaned in to whisper something in his ear and he turned all attention to her.
Move, Sienna. Move.
I stumbled back a little, trying to force myself to move but I couldn't take my eyes off it. It was torture pure and utter torture, but it was all my fault. I couldn't blame anyone but myself, and that was the part that hurt the most.
"Other times you have to be patient, you have to give it time." I heard my mom's voice sing in my ears. The problem was I didn't know how much time. Did I even have time to wait? Or was it a race to get to Roman before Nikki's claws captured him forever.
I finally found the will to turn around and look away. However, as I did, I bumped straight into someone, and food spilled all down my outfit. As I looked into the eyes of the perpetrator, it all made sense.
"Oh my god, Sienna, I'm so sorry!" Leah rushed out the words as sticky nacho cheese and chilli fries splattered and dripped down my clothes and chest.
Around me, the whole cafeteria burst into fits of laughter, all pointing fingers at me. I was totally humiliated. So much so my cheeks burned red, and my eyes began to glaze with tears. I was a laughingstock. The target.
My feet picked up before my mind did and I ran out of the cafeteria, the calls of Leah falling me.
"No, Sienna! Wait! I –" I didn't want to hear what she had to say. She could only make today worse.
When I reached the courtyard, I leant back against the wall and caught my breath, tears steaming down my face. All I felt was helpless as I reached for my phone and called my dad.
"Sienna, baby, are you okay?" his voice picked up concern as he picked up on the second ring.
"Dad." I chocked out a cry. "Can... C-Can you pick me up, please?"
I'd like to add a little note to all my lovely readers and I'm kind of nervous writing it so please bear with x
I understand these chapters are sad and stressful, I mean, I'm writing them and you should see the sea of tissues around me, but I'd like to remind you of one thing, do not send hateful comments. I understand that some of you aren't happy, I understand that some of you are upset but sending threats and telling me (the author) that I'm ruining everything in the book honestly makes me so sad and makes me feel so unmotivated to continue. I can take criticism but there's a difference between constructive criticism and pure rudeness.
I love all you all and the support you have given me is insane, but I will not pretend that some of the comments I have gotten are okay. It's hurtful and discouraging. It breaks me to even write something like this because this whole journey, for the most part, has been extremely loving and positive and I'm so lucky to have the amount of support and recognition I get for this book alone. I'm sending virtual hugs and bouquets of flowers to those who are trusting me and sending me love. You guys are amazing and I hope you never forget that!
Despite that, stories have ups and down, every character has flaws. I have to put myself in that character's shoes and take all of their life into context and see what flaws arise. There are people that relate to these characters and feel connected to their issues and flaws, and for some of you to send those characters disgusting threats and say how horrible they are for their own insecurities and human flaws can really cause harm to a lot of people and you don't even know it. I have had people reach out to me about how they feel connected to certain characters whether they be Sienna, Roman, Skye, Rya etc, and that makes me feel so happy because I love the fact that my story makes people feel so comforted and represented in a world full of all wonderfully unique humans.
In addition to that, I put a note at the beginning of the book, whether all of you read it or not I don't know, but in there it said to be respectful to everyone, including my characters. You are allowed to have your own opinions, you are allowed to agree and disagree, you are allowed to not like a story or a character, but there is a respectful way to go about it.
Everyone has a different perspective, some people are more 'broken' and hurt than others, everyone has something which makes them imperfect. LOVE isn't perfect. Plus, this story is a work of fiction. Stop hating me because some things I write 'aren't realistic'. If I had to make everything in this book 100% realistic, it would be quite boring.
I'm not going to lie when I say I get numerous of hate comments on this book daily and I'm still learning to be okay with it. I mean, they usually happen within the first 10 chapters which is understandable to some extent but others tend to be really hurtful and act as if I'm a bad author for not giving my MC character development within not even the first quarter of the book. However, that is a tangent I'm not going to throw myself down because I'm so lucky and grateful that everyone here stuck around and trusted me and gave Sienna's character. All I'm asking you to do is trust me again. Please.
I hate having to rant because it makes me sound angry and I'm not an angry person. In fact, I'm literally heart broken to have to write this because I don't want to come across to you guys are spiteful or bìtchy in any kind of way. If I could frolic in a field of flowers with you all, trust me, I would and I'd bring a batch of cupcakes too! Despite that, I don't stand for bullying, I don't stand for threats whether they be at me or others, and if you don't like my book, the solution is simple, please don't read it.
I think sometimes people forget I am a real person who wakes up every morning and works on this book like it is my literal baby. I don't think some people understand how much effort I try to put into each chapter, and now I'm so sad to say that I'm nervous posting some chapters in fear that people will hate me for the content in it (the storyline I've put so much time and effort into pre-planning so I could make my updates work on a consistent schedule). If you don't like a chapter, that's okay! I definitely have chapters I don't like because they break my heart too but please think twice about the words you use when you comment. I'm still a new author on here, I'm not really used to all of this yet and maybe in time I will be, but I want to be real and honest with you guys because I see you all in the comments creating your own little friendships and giving one another the loveliest support, and it makes my heart do happy dances whenever I see the love being shared.
I'm not hurt by people not finding my book their cup of tea and politely moving on. Sometimes it's sad because i want everyone to enjoy something I worked so hard on but that's not how the world works and I accept that and I honestly hope that those readers find a book they fall completely in love with in the future!
I write stories for no money, and I do it because it's my love and passion. I just hope everyone realises that it doesn't cost a lot to be kind.