Teach Me to Please | Please Me #1 - Chapter 52: Chapter 52

I sat in History on Tuesday by myself. I didn't get many stares or comments anymore, but I knew my old reputation no longer existed. Forever gone was Sienna the 'mean girl', now I was kind of a nobody, but that's not to say I didn't mind it.
I liked the no drama life. No stress. No gossip. No worries. I liked doing my own thing.
The only problem I had was Roman. He wasn't in school on Monday, and he wasn't in school today either. I didn't want to think it had something to do with me, but I couldn't help it. Was it about me? Or was I just being self-centred? It might've been about Skye. I missed Skye, it felt like I hadn't seen her in ages.
"Sienna?" Mr Dennis approached my desk. I looked up from writing my notes. "Your pop quiz." He smiled and placed the paper down on my desk. I sneaked a peek a noticed the mark. B+. A freaking B! "I've been really impressed with your improvement. Well done." He noticed my happiness as I looked at the grade.
"Thank you!"
"I heard you're going up for a UNCCH scholarship. Good luck, I have faith in you." He smiled softly again and patted my desk before walking away.
I got a B+! A freaking B+! I could almost celebrate!
However, the only person I wanted to celebrate with was Roman. Yet, he was nowhere. My mind suddenly flicked to Rya, and concern spread through me. She still wasn't in school and it was the most un-Rya like behaviour I've ever seen. That was why I approached Mr Dennis after class because I knew that he was Rya's Homeroom teacher.
"Mr Dennis." I asked cautiously. He looked back at me from his computer and smiled with a nod. "I know that you're Rya's Homeroom teacher and I was wondering if you've seen her lately."
It wasn't like I hadn't at least tried to reach out to Rya, I had. However, she never answered any of my text messages or calls. If Rya was still mad at me, she would've replied super bluntly. Instead she didn't reply at all.
"She was in Homeroom yesterday morning, but she seemed rather busy. She wasn't in today although. Is something wrong?"
I shook my head, "No, not really. Just wondering." She was in yesterday but not today? What the hell? This didn't just seem like a sick-bug or an ignorance to me or Christopher. It just seemed... weird.
Nonetheless, I left the classroom and headed to lunch. I couldn't help but try to look out for Roman and the disappointment and anger I felt bubbling in my veins made me slump down in my seat and sigh when he wasn't there.
Everything felt so off, and I had no idea what was going on.
I decided to push the strangeness back in my mind and focus on my book, occasionally checking my phone to see if I got any notifications. None. Like usual nowadays.
I had to admit, I liked my alone time, but the vacancy of my best friend was starting to get to me and all I wanted was Rya here to gossip and chat to. Maybe even not chat, just have her presence. She was my best friend, and she always made my life that much brighter, something that I so desperately needed right now. She was also good with plans. I had no doubt that if I told her about this situation, she would have come up with the best plan. Yet, she wasn't here, and every moment without her felt a little sadder.
I finished my book and looked up. The gossip had stopped, and now I felt completely invisible to the rest of the school. Of course, I still got nasty glares. Mainly from Nikki and her new posse which used to be my old posse.
I soon realised that girls who only cared about status followed like dogs to a bone. And, damn, were those girls true bitches.
My eyes wandered over to the cafeteria door when none other than Leah walked in. Great, just my luck. However, she looked a little different today. Heavy bags rested under her puffy eyes, her usually down and wavy hair was tied up into a messy bun, and her whole demeanour seemed... tired.
I observed as she entered the cafeteria and looked around. My eyes caught Adam looking at her. He didn't look good either. Tired eyes, unkept bed-head, and stubble beginning to grow on his jaw. Okay?
I witnessed as their eyes met and it looked like Adam was about to get up and talk to her before Leah turned on her heel and left in a hurry.
Okay? What the hell was that?
Deciding to ignore it, I finished the rest of my lunch and got up to go to the bathroom before lunch ended. After I did my business, I heard someone enter the room and place a tray down on the floor. When I stepped out and looked down, I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Pipa?" it was Pipa Walshaw, a.k.a my original tutor, a.k.a the girl with an excessive collection of kitten sweaters.
She looked up at me through her glasses and smile, "Oh, hi." Her braces glinted in the bright, bathroom lights.
"You okay?" I looked down at the tray of food in front of her.
"Oh yeah." She replied. "Just eating lunch."
"In the bathroom?"
"It's what I usually do." She shrugged and picked up her sandwich. She ate her lunch in a bathroom? I wanted to say 'gross' but, in a way, I was sympathetic. The cafeteria was definitely a jungle so to speak, it was full of cliques and communities, and when you didn't belong to any of them, or you didn't have the courage to sit on your own and do your own thing, I could imagine it being a very brutal place to be.
Especially if you were someone like Pipa who I had no doubt was a target to some of the classic jock bullying. No one could really reach you in the girls' bathroom.
She pulled a book out of her bag and began to read it. I noticed the cover.
"If reading could banish the idea for even half an hour, it was something gained." I quoted without even thinking. I really needed to stop doing that.
She looked up at me confused, "What?"
"The book." I pointed out. "Mansfield Park."
Her eyes lit up in surprise, "You've read it?"
I chuckled lightly, "I've read pretty much all of Jane Austen's books."
"I didn't pitch you as a classics reader." She furrowed her eyebrows and I chuckled again.
"Why? Because I used to be popular?"
She shrugged her shoulders, "Well... yeah."
I shook my head with a small smile and decided to sit down opposite her. "People's character don't just run on the simple basis of black or white." I began to explain.
"But I just thought... I don't know, you never really cared about school and all of that so how could you like reading."
I saw her point, not many people knew I was good in English based on my previous failures in other classes. "That's fair." I agreed. "But no one ever bothered to ask if I liked reading, I feel like everyone just assumes."
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Pipa's eyes quickly lit up in guilt.
"No, don't be!" I waved my hands about. "I'm sure you get it all the time. The assumptions."
She frowned a little and looked down at her sandwich. "Yeah... Chad Willman once told the whole football team I ate math textbooks." Okay... weird, but I could imagine how horrible that must've been for her, especially since Pipa seemed like a very sensitive girl, and I had no doubt Chad and his pea-brained buddies knew that too. Dicks.
"I'm sorry." I apologised. "You don't deserve it."
"Why are you being so nice to me?" she finally asked. "Don't people like you hate people like me."
I found a will in me that was screaming to confess. "I never hated you, Pipa, I was just scared."
"Scared? Scared of what?" she narrowed her eyes in confusion.
I took a deep breath, "Of myself. Of being myself. That whole 'mean girl' persona I used to have? That wasn't me."
She stayed silent for a few minutes, taking a couple bites of her sandwich. "What d'you mean? You were the coolest. You were literally the most popular girl in school!"
"Gee thanks." I rolled my eyes taking notice to the past tense tone even though it was all true. None of that existed for me anymore.
"I-I mean, you were the girl everyone either wanted to be or wanted to be with. You still kind of are if I'm being honest, but you had everything any girl could ever want." I saw what she meant. I did have it all; the looks, the clothes, the friends, the boyfriend.... the power. But I didn't have me. The true me. That was what made it all utterly hopeless.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked when I didn't respond to her.
"Sure." I sighed.
"Why did you give it all up?"
I titled my head to the side and pulled my brows together. "What do you mean?"
"What I mean is," she took another bite of her sandwich, "You could have easily tried to fight for it all back and be the bitch you used to be, why didn't you?"
I didn't think about that. Why didn't I? Why didn't I storm into school the next day looking like hot shit and being the worst and biggest bitch I could ever be.
Because that's what got you into this mess in the first place.
And I wasn't happy being that girl. Not one part of her made me pleased to be myself. It made me hate myself.
I held myself together before letting it all out, "I used to look in the mirror and hate myself because that girl wasn't me. Now I look in the mirror and love what I see because that girl has never been more me."
It was the truest statement I had ever said. Life wasn't about reputation or popularity, nor was it about status and personas. I didn't know what came after this life. If there was a bright light or an abyss of nothingness. Everyone had different views and beliefs, but for me, I didn't know, and because I didn't know, I wanted to live this life as the only life I would ever get. I wanted to live it as me.
"Yeah, but you're hot. So of course you're going to see something you'd like." She muttered sadly under her breath. I had a feeling that almost everyone didn't like the way they looked, with the world and society we lived in, it was hard to. Yet, everyone had different reasons. Whenever I looked at myself, I saw my birth mother – a woman I never knew and never will. It hurt.
Yet, I felt like in Pipa's case, it stemmed down to trying to follow the typical beauty standard. Everyone was beautiful, we all just had different features of it. Different ways of beauty.
"You are beautiful, Pipa. You just don't realise it."
"Not with these." She pointed to her braces and glasses.
I laughed softly and shook my head, "Getting your braces and glasses removed doesn't make you beautiful, you're always going to find something else about yourself you don't like which is a criticising mindset."
"What are you saying?" she cocked her head to the side in pure puzzlement.
"What I'm saying is, beauty is a mindset. You need to change that criticising mind to a confident one. A beautiful one. And I'd rather be called 'beautiful' than 'hot' any day of the week." Roman used to call me beautiful. He always called me beautiful. I needed to talk to him.
Pipa looked up at me, her eyes shining with understanding. "I... I guess you're right. I didn't think of it like that."
"Neither did I." I chuckled. "But then I realised that looks fade, your mindset doesn't."
"You're actually a really great person, Sienna. I'm sorry for judging you." She smiled softly.
I smiled back, "I'm sorry too, but hey, one step at a time, right?"
She nodded and laughed slightly. This felt nice. Pipa was a girl I would never have even considered to be on the same radar as me all those months ago. Now, I was sitting on the bathroom floor with her realising that we weren't that much different. If the world got rid of popularity and stereotypes, I had a feeling we'd all understand each other and get along so much better.
"So," I decided to change the subject, "Who do you prefer, Mr Darcy or George Knightley?"
"Well..." she chirped and sat up, and we talked together happily for the rest of lunch, and I realised that everyone was missing out on so many friendships due to worries of judgement and reputation.
❦❤︎❦
The evening I decided to bite the bullet and try and talk to Roman. I knew that going to his house wasn't a good idea considering he'd probably slam the door in my face, and I didn't want to visit Skye and use his own sister against him. So, there was only one place left.
I opened the door to his dad's gym and walked down the dark, narrow hall. There weren't many people here today and so I quickly scanned the room for Roman only to find him missing. Great.
"You just missed him." A voice called out from the ring. I looked over to see Jesse unstrapping his boxing gloves from his hands. "He left about ten minutes ago." Wow, just my luck.
"D'you know where he went?" I asked.
"He said something about picking his mom up from work, they have a meeting at the hospital." He replied and hopped down to sit on the edge of the ring.
"A meeting?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "They've been having them for the past few days every morning super early, his parents thought it'd be a good idea for him to attend them, so he gets more comfortable about... you know."
"Skye leaving?"
He nodded, "Yeah."
That was why he left the hotel so early. He had to go to the meeting. That made me feel somewhat better but he could've at least woken me up and told me. Maybe he didn't want to. Yep, there was that.
"I take it you two are in a rough patch?" he said as I walked over slowly.
"That obvious?" I chuckled even though it hurt to admit.
He nodded and cringed a little, "Yeah, I've got a nice bruise on my shoulder to prove it."
"Sorry." I grimaced, "I can imagine boxing with him hasn't been that easy."
"It's alright." He chuckled. "People have to let things out somehow." He had a point. "How are you, though?"
I genuinely thought about that question, I've been the most okay with myself I've ever been but at the same time, I've felt the most incomplete.
"Confused." I admitted. "Sometimes I just wish people had a massive speech bubble above their heads, so I could know what they're thinking."
"D'you know what helps with that?" Jesse said as I sat next to him.
"What?"
"Talking." God, I knew he was right.
"Why d'you think I'm here." I shrugged and let out a long breath. "I fucked up really bad." I suddenly confessed.
"What did you do?" Jesse asked, pulling his eyebrows together.
"I... I tried to protect him from something but all I did was cause more damage." A lot of damage, damage I was afraid would never be repaired.
"You do know you don't have to protect everything in your life, right?"
"That seems to be all I'm hearing at the moment." I sighed and frowned, looking down at the floor.
"Hey." Jesse nudged my shoulder with his lightly, "Roman's a smart kid, I'm sure if you explain the situation to him, he'll understand." He had a point, especially if I truly was trying to protect him like I was, I just didn't go about it the right way, but I've learnt and I'm still learning. I needed him to see that.
"Thanks. I just... I tried to talk to him before and it didn't really go... as planned."
"You mean you argued?"
"Argued and... and, well more." Was I really admitting to Jesse that I had angry sex with Roman? Seemed like it. Besides, Jesse wasn't that old, it didn't feel weird.
"You mean you had angry sex?" he easily connected the dots.
"It was a bad move, wasn't it?" I cringed back.
He laughed and shook his head, "You're talking to a guy that's been in a five-year relationship, those kinds of things happen, but it's how you deal with it afterwards that shows all the difference."
I nodded thoughtfully and leant back a little, "So does that mean you want to give me some more advice?" I asked hopefully because, hell, did I need it.
"Oh no. Nope. I'm not going there." he shook his head firmly.
"Why not?" I pouted disappointedly.
He looked back at me and chuckled, "I am not being your all-knowing Yoda. You kids can figure your own shit out."
"Wow, thanks." I rolled my eyes.
He chuckled again and nudged my shoulder. "But, I have to say, you've really grown up, you know."
I turned to look at him and titled my head to the side, "Really?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "I mean, I'm no old man, I'm only twenty-seven, but gone was the girl who walked into this gym in her mini-skirt and high heels pretending she was better than everyone else."
"That girl wasn't me." I shook my head, "And what d'you have against mini-skirts and high heels, huh?"
"Nothing." He held his hands up in defence. "It was just an interesting choice of gym attire." He teased and I laughed.
"Yeah, and now I'm the girl looking like an idiot because she's broken the heart of the guy she really liked." I offered up a sad smile and he gave a sympathetic one back in return.
"You're still a kid." He reminded. "And kids do stupid things. Sure, some of them are unforgivable but sometimes there are ones which can be forgiven, and you shouldn't let those ones define you." Could I be forgiven? If I explained everything to Roman, could he forgive me? I wanted him to. I wanted him to understand. I knew I wasn't perfect, nobody's perfect, and I was still trying to fix the crumbles of damage weighing me down. I knew there was no way for someone to be completely and absolutely perfect because what humans would we be if we didn't have flaws? Yet, I wanted someone to see my flaws and tell me they're okay, that we can work through them, that we were a team.
And that person was Roman.
"And, if you ask me, I'm sure Roman's made and will make mistakes in the future too. Relationships are about learning. You know, the whole trust and communication thing? The only reason a mistake should pull you apart is when it's so vile and disrespectful, you find your whole worth disappearing. However, even though I don't know the full context as to what you did, I'm pretty sure that it wasn't done maliciously."
I sighed, "True."
"And you can tell a lot from a person by how they act in an argument, and from what I'm seeing, you're learning and you're trying to make things better the right way."
"Thanks." I smiled softly. "Although, that kind of was a whole all-knowing Yoda speech, you know." I grinned to myself.
"Fuck off." Jesse laughed and playfully pushed my shoulder. "Girl, I don't need this shit. I've got dinner with my in-laws tonight and I'm already shitting bricks."
I laughed, "Good luck."
"Thanks." He rolled his eyes and got up. I followed and brushed down my leggings. "Also." He abruptly turned to me. "It may not be the perfect setting as such, but Roman was talking about a party Thursday night. Why some idiot would have a party Thursday night I don't know."
"It's out school's Senior Skip Day on Friday, so that's probably why." I explained.
"Fair enough." He shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he's going to be there, so if you get him alone, maybe then you can talk."
That was a good idea. Sure, a party wasn't the right setting, but it was better than getting a door slammed in my face. Maybe if we went upstairs or outside away from everyone, we could really talk and figure things out. It was certainly better than nothing.
"Thanks." I spoke. "Really, Jesse. Thank you."
Jesse turned back to me and smiled softly, "You're a good person, Sienna. Don't forget that. I'll see you around."
I nodded and turned on my heel to walk away. "Yeah, see you."