Teach Me to Please | Please Me #1 - Chapter 57: Chapter 57

R O M A N
I looked outside my window, gazing onto the front porch. I couldn't go to school today, the thought of it made me sick and so I convinced my mom to let me stay home. She wasn't oblivious to the obvious. She noticed how Sienna was no longer around, how suddenly I didn't seem like myself. Putting together the pieces were easy for her and so for me not to go to school today let her know something even further had happened. Instead of elaborating to her, I let her guess and stayed up in my room.
The problem I kept having was that everything reminded me of her. No matter where I looked, she was everywhere. When I slept on my bed, I thought back to the night of Spring Fling, even in the shower I heard her voice.
"Tell me I'm yours."
She left her sweet, citrus perfume lingering on my clothes when she went through my closet to find something to wear, my desk still kept stacks of her old worksheets, even the ledge by my bathroom mirror had her hairband resting on top of it. And I've been wearing that damn hairband on my wrist all week.
It was one of those hairbands that matched the colour of your hair, so it didn't even work my own. Instead, it just stayed on my wrist and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get myself to take it off.
She was everywhere. Every thing. My everything. I couldn't let that go. Even in my stupid dreams she lingered there.
We were in bed. We would kiss, touch, have sex, cuddle, laugh, talk, kiss, laugh some more, and every single part of it was so perfect my heart practically screamed.
The day I saw that video broke me. I didn't know how to explain it but when I saw it, everything in me felt so... betrayed and humiliated. There was this girl, this girl who I considered to be my everything, in my eyes the girl, who suddenly became something I didn't recognise. The words she said, the way she said them, it was like shots being fired and arrows daggered themselves into my heart, and they stayed there till I confronted her. That was when they got ripped out, I was left bleeding in agony.
I wanted her to tell me it wasn't true, that she didn't say those words, that it was all fake. I was so lost and confused and hurt I couldn't even think straight, so when she told me it was her, I couldn't bear it any longer. She took her words and used them as weapons and my heart was left screaming in pain on the floor.
"Tell me I'm yours."
She was mine. She was mine as much as I wanted to be hers. However, that day it felt like she ripped off those words and freed herself from whatever chains we were tied in. The worst part was that I thought she didn't want to be mine in the first place. God, it hurt.
Now, I hate myself from not being able to think straight, but I knew in the moment, everything hurt too much to process. Then came the realisation.
It was the night of the charity ball, after we had sex, and she started to sob in my arms. Sienna wasn't a fake crier, she always cried with a meaning and so much emotion it physically hurt to see her break. So, when she started crying and sobbed my name, I knew something was up.
I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the sex we had at the charity ball, I liked being in control too. The little whimpers she made for me turned me on an insane amount, and the way she begged... Jesus. I replayed that again and again in my mind. However, I was scared of being too rough... I don't know, I'd never been like that before and so I didn't want to hurt her. I always let Sienna have the lead in everything, mainly because she knew what she was doing and I had zero clue, other times because I always wanted her to be comfortable.
I was angry. When I saw her dance with that new guy, Oliver I believed his name was, I couldn't help but feel replaced. I wanted her to remember me... remember us, prove to her we did mean something, and in my mind at the time the only solution I thought of was taking it back to where we were rooted. Sex. That and the fact she looked ridiculously hot and the only thing I could think of was ripping that dress off her. I'm not proud of it.
Yet, when I held her in my arms that night and listened to her sobs as her body shook, I knew there was something more.
I had to leave early that morning for Skye's meeting but didn't want to wake her because she looked too peaceful. As soon as I got back to school, I began paying attention to everything, and that was when I caught Nikki out.
Suspicions always rose around her as it was but as soon as she mentioned my Penn Scholarship and Sienna's chances at a UNC Chapel Hill scholarship, I froze, because how would she know about that unless she did some digging, and then why would she have to dig in the first place?
Suddenly, every sly look she gave to Sienna throughout my years of observation pushed its way forward in my mind. It rippled with envy, so much so it had its own set of malicious green eyes. Sienna once told me she had built an empire and was afraid to let it fall, and I had no doubt that Nikki knew that too. I had no doubt that Nikki knew everything.
Then it crossed my mind. Maybe Nikki didn't know everything, maybe she had built enough trust in her gossip that she could put anything out there and make it believable. She was a reliable source, at least everyone assumed she was. She knew the way the school worked, she studied everyone and made the best rumours to fit, and even if they weren't true, they were still followed and believed in. She manipulated.
Sienna might have made herself the 'mean girl' persona due to insecurity, but in reality, Nikki was the 'mean girl'. Not even the 'mean girl'. The 'mean girl' was a cliché label. Nikki was straight out a horrible person.
That was why I confronted her at the party, that was why I decided to record it and catch her out. If only she hadn't of kissed me before I had the chance to leave, I could have run straight to Sienna to show her everything. Instead, Sienna burst right through the door and suddenly everything turned to shit.
I didn't want to show anyone the recording before I showed Sienna. Nikki was messing with our lives and so she had the first right to know, that was why I sent it to her. Now, I was here, waiting like a lost puppy for her to show up.
We deserved that chance. We were stilled just kids but everything about her felt eternal and I would regret it for the rest of my life if we didn't try. Yet maybe it was too late. Maybe the damage had been done. Either way, I still wanted her to know.
My eyes were already burning from staring and so I decided to move to sit on the edge of my bed. That reminded me of her too, it was the first time we ever did anything sexual, but it wasn't just the sexual part that I loved, it was the way we laughed afterwards too, how suddenly all awkwardness was lifted and I felt like I could be so comfortable and happy around her. The moment shocked me. The 'Sienna's actually pretty amazing' thought spun in my mind.
I clasped my hands together, resting them against my forehead as I looked down at my feet and closed my eyes. I wanted her here. I wanted her here so bad it hurt. Please, Sienna.
I heard a knock on my door and my mom walked in holding a mug of steaming coffee. "Hey." She smiled softly.
"Hey." I tried to smile back. The whole Skye thing had hit my mom the worst. I heard her cry most nights because of it and would listen to my dad try and soothe her. "How was Skye?" I asked as she sat down next to me. She's also been visiting Skye every single day.
"Good." She nodded. "We've been packing, and she's started to get a bit excited. You know, new country, new friends, new boys." She taunted the last bit and nudge my shoulder.
"Hmm, fun." I rolled my eyes, slightly uncomfortable with the idea of my baby sister going on dates. No. She can wait till she's 35.
"Oh, stop it." My mom read my thoughts and lightly swatted my arm. "You should stop being so overprotective. Your dad's the exact same."
"Reasonably." I added. She only scoffed and rolled her eyes with a small chuckle. We waited in silence for a few minutes, I kept thinking she was going to say more about Skye but instead remained quiet.
Then she finally said, "She's outside." I didn't have to think twice at who 'she' was. I looked back at her, not knowing what to say. "Would you like some unrequited, mother-to-son advice?"
"Do I get a choice?"
"No." she answered, and I chuckled. "Love isn't easy, especially when you're young and you're both going to do stupid things but remember that the other person is still a person and as much as you need to remember your own self-respect, you need to remember theirs too." I didn't take what she meant lightly. Could Sienna see past this? Could either of us get through this?
"I don't know what to do." I confessed, running a hand through my hair.
"Nobody does when it comes to love. Unfortunately, there isn't an instruction manual, but the least you can do is try." She explained and got up from my bed.
"I don't know where to start." I admitted.
She smiled softly and handed me the mug of piping hot coffee. "Sometimes a hot cup of coffee helps." She nodded before making her way out.
I looked down at the steaming, deep brown liquid swirling in the cup and look a deep breath. Fuck, this was going to be complicated, and I had no doubt that Sienna had enough fire in her to kill me.
❦❤︎❦
S I E N N A
It wasn't the nicest of days today. Even though summer was nearing, the sky was blanketed with white and grey clouds and the air held a damp warning to those leaving without a coat or umbrella. I wrapped my jacket around me tighter. It wasn't anything special, in fact, it was my mom's old, grey, loose cardigan but she insisted I wear it in fear I'd 'catch a cold' from the chilling turn the weather had taken.
I sat on the steps to Roman's front porch, holding my breath to keep in the nerves. After making up with Rya and us deciding to go to school, we spent the whole day in empty classrooms devising plans. You see, there were many elements we needed to be perfect before Nikki's ultimate takedown, and so we were checking down the list one-by-one, figuring out what and who we needed.
Roman and I wasn't on the list, but I couldn't hang this around any longer and the fact he wasn't at school today proved something. He was waiting for us to talk.
A deep exhale escaped my lips as a light gust of wind blew my hair out of my face.
The door opened behind me.
I turned my head to look back and there was Roman with a mug of what I assumed was coffee in his hands.
Neither of us said anything and I turned back to look down at my feet resting on the lower step as I listened closely to his footsteps and before I knew it, he was sitting next to me. Not too close, he was leaving some distance, but it wasn't so far it made us distant.
"My mom thought you'd get cold." He said and cautiously passed over the coffee mug. I looked down at it and frowned slightly. "Careful, it's hot." He quickly warned as I went to reach for it. It wasn't too hot, in fact, it warmed my hands slightly and I sighed at the warmth spreading throughout my hands.
Taking in a sharp, deep breath, I turned to look at him and in a soft, quiet voice said, "Hi."
"Hi." He practically whispered back a few seconds later.
I didn't know what more to say but bit my tongue before deciding to continue. "I listened to the audio you sent me."
His eyes studied me for a moment before answering, "You did?"
"Yeah." I nodded. "I, um..." speak Sienna. Say more. "Were... Were you really going to sleep with Nikki, so she'd stay away from us?"
He scoffed, "No." huh?
I furrowed my brows in confusion. "What? But you said –"
"I already had the recording of her admitting to everything, the only reason I said I'd do it was so she wouldn't grow suspicious. I was about to go and pretend to get a condom so I could go straight to yours and show you, but she shoved her tongue down my throat before I could do anything." That all made sense. I should have known Roman was smarter than that.
"Oh." I whispered, unsure of what else to say. Then I remembered what I had in my pocket. "I, um, I wrote you a letter." I placed down the coffee mug and fumbled with the folded piece of paper as I retrieved it from my back pocket. My hands shook as I passed it over to him, yet all he did was stare at it as though he didn't know what to do.
Anxiously, I retrieved it and opened it up myself, "I guess... I guess I should read it to you then." I swallowed hard and let out a deep breath.
"Dear Roman a.k.a nerd-boy." I cringed. "That sounded better in my head at the time." I admitted but he offered a small smile and just nodded for me to go on.
"Um, I don't really know how to start this, but I guess saying 'hello' is good enough. In all honesty, I've wrote this letter about five times, and I'm scared to mess it up again." That was true. My trashcan was now full of scrunched up papers from failed letter attempts.
"I wish there was a way for me to make this all okay," I continued. "But I guess there isn't. I've fucked up and you've fucked up and all of this is one big fucking mess."
Wow, Sienna. So poetic. Shut up, I'm trying.
"I guess the only place I can start is the video. You were right when you confronted Nikki because the reason I said all of those things was to protect you. Putting up this front is all I know how to do. It stems off of my biggest insecurity; being weak. And in that moment, all I felt was weakness. I tried to be strong and protect you, but now I realise I'm not supposed to protect everyone in my life and that some people are meant to fight with me."
I took a moment to look back at him and all I saw was his eyes boring into mine. God, they're so beautiful. Focus, Sienna.
"When I first met you, I thought we were the worst pairing in the world. I thought this whole thing would've been a nightmare and hopefully something I could forget for the rest of my life." And that was putting it lightly. "If only I'd have known that you would be the person to change my life. You would break down my walls, see me for who I truly am, and instead of running, you cradled and cared for every inch of it. I never believed that in my life I was worthy of those earth-shattering, all-consuming romances that swept you off your feet and gave you that meaning of home being a person and not a place. As much as I wanted those love stories, I never thought I was worth it. I never thought anyone could truly love me."
I swallowed down the lump in my throat and blinked back a few tears before continuing. "Then I met you. I remember this moment between us, when I told you how I didn't like learning from a 6th Grader's textbook and confessed to you how scared and stupid I felt about everything, and you crouched down in front of me, grabbed my hand and told me I wasn't. You told me that you could see through whatever I was trying to hide and that you weren't afraid of it. That was the first time I ever wanted to kiss you. Not out of the deal or sympathy. Everything in my body longed to kiss you and not even for sexual reasons. I wanted you to be close to me because you made me feel safe. You made me the happiest person in the world I remember thinking that whatever you were willing to give me, I would take."
"That was the day I started to fall for you. I liked you beforehand, everything you did gave me emotions I couldn't understand, needs I never knew I needed, but that day was the day I started to fall because I had never felt so cared for or understood or happy in my entire life and all I wanted to do was stay in that moment. I wanted time I freeze so badly because I wanted us to remain in that haze forever. I wanted us, and only us." I wiped a tear trickling down my cheek.
"I wish we could go back to that time again, but I know we can't. Everything that has happened has meant so much to either one of us and now we're stuck here. I promised you I wouldn't break your heart and I did, and I will forever be so sorry for the heartbreak I caused you. I never wanted to hurt you. You've hurt me too, though. I've not been able to sleep or eat at the confusion you left bubbling in my mind. We've hurt each other in the most ridiculous of ways and all I want is for us to be okay again."
More tears fell down my cheeks. "I... I-I want you to hold me in your arms, tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to lay on your chest as you draw shapes with your fingertips on my naked back, I want you to tell me I'm yours every second of the day, I want to watch those stupid Si-Fi movies and documentaries with you and listen to you dissect the scientific aspects of them for hours after. I want to go to more museums and bookshops, go on picnics, lay in bed talking and laughing about everything and anything."
I wiped away more of my tears and sniffled. "I want you to kiss me on the forehead like you usually do, hold my hand, wear my hairband on your wrist, let me wear your clothes because they smell like you, tell me I'm the prettiest girl you've ever seen but that I'm your pretty girl."
My eyes flickered to the end of the page. Where three simple words lied. Everything about them was so scary because once I said them, everything was out there.
I turned my head to look at him, the words lingering on the top of my tongue.
"I...I-I um... that's the letter." Was all I could say.
He stared at me for a moment longer, his eyes flickering between the now folded letter in my hands and my eyes. "Sienna..." he whispered, and I swore I saw the glossiness shimmer in his eyes. "If I could go back to that day and I freeze everything, I would too."
I took a minute before responding, happiness elating at first but a doubt sooner creeping in. "But we can't." I frowned.
"I know." He responded quietly. "I said I wanted to give us a chance, I mean it with everything in me and I will try to give you all that you want till the day you die... a little after that too."
A few tears slipped down my cheeks. "Roman." It was barely a whisper. "There's so much pain between us."
He shifted a little forward to me. "I know." He muttered. More tears slipped down my cheeks, and I couldn't hold myself together any longer. "Hey..." He gently took my hand in his and rubbed his thumb on the back of it. "Shhh..." He soothed calmly and bend his head a little to rest his forehead against mine.
"There is a lot of hurt." He agreed in quiet murmurs. "Sienna, I don't think you realise how much I've fallen for you but every single morning I wake up and break at the fact you aren't by my side, all I want to do is hold you, kiss you, show you how much someone can really care for you. You are a fire, Sienna, but I'm not afraid to burn. I want to."
That was when I understood; I was a fire, he was an ocean. He wanted to burn, and I wanted to drown.
"I don't know what to do." I confessed mumbling.
"I'll do whatever you want me to do. I've been crazy about you for so long I don't think I have a choice in where my heart takes me. It's here with you and it's always going to stay."
I couldn't decide. His breath was shallow as our foreheads pressed against each other and we locked ourselves in a moment like we always did.
"I want you." I profess, "But I don't know if the world wants me to want you."
"Then fuck the world." He chuckled lightly. "Fuck everything. If this is all I can have for the rest of my life, then let me live forever."
We could have this moment, we could have everything, but then what would there be? More pain? More suffering? Would it end? I didn't want to make us go through that again.
"I think... I think we should let go." I whispered sadly.
I felt him still and pull away slightly. "What?" he whispered sadly back.
"I don't want to hurt you, Roman. I want you with everything I have but I don't know if this time is our time."
He turned away from me and ran a hand through his hair. The expression on his face broke me. "I... I don't know what I can do to make you see that you are everything, Sienna. Please, just... just let me show you."
"I'm sorry." I cried silently. "I don't want anymore pain, Roman. I'm so tired."
"So am I." his tone got a little louder but not out of anger. "God, you're so stubborn." He muttered under his breath.
"Roman –"
"No!" he cut me off hastily. "No. Fuck, Sienna. You don't get it do you?"
I furrowed my brows, "Get what?"
"The first time I fell for you was the first time I fucking saw you!" he confessed.
I paused for a moment. What? "What?"
He took a deep breath and sighed, "You were always there. Every corner I turned, there you were, everywhere I looked, there you were again. I couldn't escape you and I didn't even try. You were mean, horrible, cruel, but I couldn't help but want to know more. Every fucking part of me was begging to get to know you and see who you truly were because for some crazy, insane reason, I knew that the girl behind the fake heartlessness and façade was the girl that would bring me to my fucking knees! And I was right, from the minute you got close to me, I felt every part of me give into you! I couldn't help it, I tried to stop it with everything I had but it kept building until one day I laid there with you in my arms and realised if I had one thing to tell anyone ever again, it would be how crazy I am for you! So, fine, give up. Tell me this isn't the right time, but no fucking time will be the 'right time' because life brings you pain, life makes you feel so weak and vulnerable sometimes you don't know if you can go on but d'you know what one of the best things about life is?"
I stayed silent.
"You get to share it with someone. And that 'someone' is you. It's always been you and it's always going to be you. So, pretend the world doesn't want us, like I give a shit about what the world wants when I could have you. You're it. You're my life... you're... you're everything."
I couldn't speak. Say something. Say something. My lips refused to move. I didn't know what to say.
He stood up and looked down at me. "If this is really what you want – truly – for the rest of your life. Fine. I'll let myself be fucking tortured because if that's all I can give you, I'll give it. All I want for you is to be happy and... and if I can't give you that, I hope someone else can. But I'll be here waiting. I'll always be here waiting. Just... just don't forget that, okay? Don't forget me. Us."
I couldn't speak. All the air had been knocked from my lungs as he began to walk back inside. And when he walked away, everything walked away.
What are you doing, Sienna?
Happy. He wanted me to be happy. He always wanted me to be happy. I had the same revelation the night of the Spring Fling and when I thought about what made me happy, it was him. Everything was him.
I wanted a life. A life with him. That was everything. I didn't want to let us go, I wanted everything with him. I was giving up because I feared more pain. This was the problem. I wanted to protect everyone. Him. I wanted to protect him. I was falling back into my own trap.
What are you doing, Sienna?
Life brought pain, life brought complete fucking misery, but if there was one person I could have fighting by my side for the rest of my life, it would be him. Forever. A little after that too.
Everything. He was everything.
What are you doing, Sienna?
Without waiting any longer, I got up on my feet and turned back to him.
"I love you!"
He froze. Time froze. Everything froze.
Holy shit.
"I... I-I love you!" I continued. "And I've been in love with you for so long I feel like I can't even fucking breathe!" I let out a sigh mixed in with a relieved laugh. "Oh my god, I love you so much Roman I think I might die." I ran a hand through my hair, "You're right, fuck what the world thinks, fuck timing, I love you and I-I want you! Every part of you! I love you!" I'm not going to stop. I can't.
He turned back to me, his expression reading nothing.
"I... I love the way you blush from your neck first you to your cheeks, I love how you run your hand through your hair when you're stressed, the way you bite your knuckles when you're focussing on something too hard or trying to hold yourself back. I love how you hide packs of Cheetos under your bed, when you wear your glasses to read because I miss them. I love when you give me your clothes, when you wear my hairband on your wrist, when you tell me I'm being too stubborn or feisty."
I could go on. It was coming out. All the months of torments and denial, I was giving in and I was falling in love with every second of it. Even as I wracked through my mind, I couldn't find a thing I didn't love. "I love you the most when you call me yours, when you call me pretty girl, when you kiss my forehead and hug me and tell me all the sweet nothings you can think of! Oh, and –"
I didn't get to finish my sentence as he stalked towards me and crashed his lips to mine. It was desperate and passionate, every part of it was seeping with the romance I could only dream off.
"I fucking love you, Sienna." He whispered and chuckled softly against my lips. "I love you so much. If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more."
The quote didn't slip my consciousness. "I think you do a pretty good job at it already." I chuckled lightly.
"Good." He kissed me again, cupping my head between his hands. "Because I'm never going to stop." He kissed me again.
"I love you." I whispered between the kisses. "I love you with everything in me."
He missed me again, filling my heart with every spec of love and affection, caressing his soft lips against mine in a battle between desperation and gentleness.
He pulled away and looked at me in the eyes, "No more hiding? No more denial?"
"No more hiding. No more denial. I'm here and I'm fighting. This is it and I... and I love you."
His face lit up and he pulled me into another kiss. "I love you too." He whispered against my lips. "So... fucking... much." He proclaimed between kisses.
"So fucking much." I whispered back. "I'm madly in love with you I don't think I can stop saying it."
"Don't stop." He smiled against my lips as he kissed me again. "Because I don't think I can either."
I laughed and wrapped my hands around his neck. Thunder crackled above up and soon rain began to pour. Luckily, we were under the roof.
"Dammit." I chuckled softly. "We missed the rain. We could've been the cliché dream."
He pulled back and laughed before something mischievous glinted in his eyes. Before I knew it, he took my hand and began pulling me down the steps.
"Roman!" I shrieked as he dragged me into his front garden and the rain mercilessly crashed down on us.
He laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Better?" he raised an eyebrow.
I pushed my hair back through my face, the rain soaking all of my clothes and his. "I love you." I whispered, standing up on my tip toes to reach his lips.
"I love you too." He smiled and gently pressed his lips against mine. "Fuck, you're perfect. You're perfect and you're mine. You're mine and I'm yours."
"Forever." I agreed happily.
"A little bit after that too." He added and kissed me again, this time pulling me up to hook my legs around his waist. I shrieked out a fit of giggles and clung onto him.
This was the kiss. His lips worked against mine, sending shock waves of adrenaline around my veins, capturing me in all the adoration and passion in the world. His hands cupped my face, thumbs brushing tenderly over the soft skin of my cheeks. I kissed him back with the same craving, desire and devotion locking up in its grasp and letting us remain there for all we wanted. The rain poured down on us harder, letting us have this moment, letting us fall in one another with every inch of love that remained around us.
In all the epic love stories I had read, all the emotions it had put me through. Nothing compared me to this. This was our moment and as much as I wanted time to freeze, I wanted to live, and I wanted us to see our forever.
Because I loved him.
And he loved me.