The Alpha’s Curvy Cinderella - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Trigger warning. This episode does contain mention of suicidal ideation and may prove triggering to some. Please do not read if this may trigger you.
Jordan POV
It hurt. So bad. More than the usual pain. The pain that was inside of me. The knowledge that I wasn’t seen fit to attend a ball but rather had been asked to help instead. My lower lip quivered. I felt myself wanting to cry big hearty tears of sorrow but I held it inside, watching as everybody left the room, wanting to sink down onto the floor in despair. To distract myself I grabbed a broom and blindly began to sweep, the floor already clean, as my father walked by, without even shooting me a second glance. I couldn’t believe that this was all his doing, that he’d volunteered me, without my knowledge, but did it matter? A few tears trailed down my cheeks. Any ordinary girl would have wanted to attend a ball, dress up for the occasion, and feel beautiful for just one night. Pictures of myself, dancing with unmated males entered my mind and I swallowed hard, devastation sweeping through me. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. Couldn’t they see, the hurt they were inflicting on me? Was I invisible? I wanted to scream, but I pushed it back, back inside, where it belonged.
Was I ever going to find my mate? I felt stricken as I pictured myself wearing a uniform, offering drinks to the guests, looking unattractive, and finding the other half to me, only for them to take one look and reject me, right there in front of everyone. It would be humiliating. It caused a whole new set of worries to flood into my mind. I put the broom back in its place and headed downstairs, to my room, carefully shutting the door. I looked over at a photograph of my mother and me sitting on the broken bedside table. She was holding me in her arms, I was but a baby, but the way she cradled me, the way she looked down at me with a wide smile and love in her eyes, I could tell how much she had cared for me. There was nothing there but unconditional love and I reached out to touch the picture.
“I wish you were here” I whispered, my voice cracking slightly, as I sat on my bed, my voice filled with pain “I wish Father knew I didn’t mean for you to die. If I could change that day…” I trailed off and gave a sob, full of regrets.
“Mother, you were the only one who loved me and now you’re gone” I choked out “What if my mate rejects me? Will I ever know what love feels like again or is this my life now? To be hated and despised forever? Father hates me, my sister hates me, and the pack hates me. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s worthwhile living anymore” I admitted, my voice hushed and teary.
I wiped my eyes, glancing out the window, the sun beginning to set, and the moon was high in the sky. I gave a bitter smile. “I know the moon goddess is supposed to grant us a mate that loves and adores us,” I said quietly, looking upwards as though I could speak to the goddess directly “but sometimes she gets it wrong. What is her plan if my life is already miserable as it is? What if my mate rejects me, or worse, ends up being just as bad as everyone else is?”
I sucked in a breath. I could feel the hopelessness gripping hold of me. My lower lip quivered. I wanted nothing more than to feel my mother’s arms around me, holding me tight and assuring me everything was going to be okay. I wanted the love that only a mother could give. I sniffled.
Luna Mary hadn’t meant anything malicious in asking me to help, I thought sadly, but it showed how much I was taken for granted in assuming I wouldn’t be asked to the ball as a plus one or that I wouldn’t have wanted to attend. Could I blame her? I blamed the pack for their disdain towards me for being bigger than the average shifter. In the human world, I would be seen as curvaceous and perhaps even pretty.
I contemplated what tomorrow would bring, dread rising inside of me. Another day at school, bullied and tormented. Another day of the same old story. Sarah was going to love teasing me about working at the ball. I had no doubts she would be attending and I had my suspicions about who she would be attending with. It was no surprise. Everything always came so easily to her. Boys flocked to be by her side. She was popular and pretty. All she had to do was snap her fingers and they came running. It sounded mean and petty and I tried to stop those thoughts but they just kept coming, my bitterness evident. I couldn’t understand how somebody so mean and vicious could capture so many guy’s attention. What was I lacking? What was I missing? Were men so shallow that they immediately judged a person based on looks alone? What happened to it’s what inside that counts?
I stood up and went to the bathroom, staring morosely into the mirror. Thoughts flashed through my mind. Bad thoughts.
Dark thoughts. I could see my life and the abuse, both from my family and from the pack members continuing and my chest tightened. It would never end, I thought as my throat closed up and panic seized me. As long as the Alpha and Luna remained oblivious, lost in their little world of pure happiness and bliss, the abuse would never end. I would continue to be beaten, hit, spat on, insulted and the list went on and on. I felt as though I couldn’t stand it anymore, the feelings overwhelming, my mind feeling as though it was splintering.
I stared at the mirror. One punch, I thought mildly to myself, almost lost in a trance as my thoughts took hold of me. One punch is all it would take to shatter the mirror into a dozen pieces. Pieces that would be more than long enough to do what I needed. All I would have to do then was grab one of the pieces that was sharp enough to dig into my flesh and make me bleed. One long slice, diagonal. I wasn’t naive, I knew exactly how to do it. It wasn’t the first time I had considered it. I had done my research. But this was the first time I had gotten close to doing it. The mirror was shining beneath the light like it was beckoning me. I licked my lips. The girl in the reflection looked half-mad, her hair was disheveled, and her eyes were red and weepy. Her complexion was pale, bruises littered her arms and were hidden beneath her clothes. I reached out to touch the mirror, feeling how cold and smooth it was. The girl in the reflection stared back at me, looking like a ghost, with a sad smile on her face.
“Just one cut, done right” I whispered, my voice shaking “and all of this could be over. No more pain” I said thickly “No more having to take it.”
I held up my hand, slowly closing it into a fist, my hand trembling violently. Nobody would hear me if I smashed the mirror. Not with the door shut. All I had to do was thrust my fist forward. I closed my eyes, took shallow breaths, and then let out a cry of devastation and frustration as I sank to the floor and hugged myself, sobbing wildly.
“I can’t do it” I wept, the dam inside me bursting “No matter what they do to me, I still can’t do it. I just want to leave” I whispered pathetically “I just want to leave and never come back.”
Why couldn’t I just end my pain?
I shook violently, my tears continuing to flow down my face as I rocked back and forth, my hair covering my face. Time passed and eventually, I had exhausted all my tears, my head slowly coming off of my knees as I wiped my eyes. I had lived to see another day, I thought, getting tiredly to my feet and avoiding looking at the mirror which seemed to mock me, but at what price? What would tomorrow bring? I felt empty and numb, as I staggered woodenly to the threadbare mattress and sank down onto it. too exhausted to do much more than lay there, with nothing but a thin blanket to cover me. I shivered, my hair clinging to my face, and stared up at the ceiling blankly. Nobody would ever know how close I had come to ending my own life tonight, I thought, but then again, why would they have cared? I closed my eyes resigned, and rolled onto my side. Sleep was long in coming and filled with nothing but nightmares, the kind that left you restless and caused you to to wake up screaming.