The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 14: Chapter 14

Here I am again, at one of those crossroads. It feels so much like after I busted my knee, not knowing what's going to happen but knowing enough to realize my life won't ever be the same after today. The difference is that this time I don't have a whole entourage to support me in the aftermath—even if it had only been for a short while then. Maddy was nice enough about it, Devin too, but they're not really who I care about. Shockingly, Jonah hadn't seemed all that surprised to hear the news, and while I thought he might come over to help me through the roughest part of it, all he was able to manage was a video chat. I actually started to think he'd make me do this alone too, but at the very least he sent in reinforcements.
"Calm down, honey, you're starting to give me anxiety too. Whatever happens, we'll figure out where to go from here. Together." Lilah balances her fingers on my leg, stopping it from bouncing up and down anxiously. The dean was a real hard-ass when we first met him this morning, he basically rattled on about how many chances I've been given and how disappointed he is that I wasted each and every one of them. This woman sitting next to me now, bless her heart, did her best to convince him of why I should be allowed to stay, what all I've accomplished. Admittedly the list isn't very long, but the important thing is she tried.
"They're going to kick me out, you know that." I lower my head into both hands so I won't have to face her. In her line of work she has to be more aware than anyone of how this goes, but she sits out here with me now, in our distinct kind of quiet, to stop me from imploding while her husband goes another round with the dean.
"What did I just say? Let's not panic yet, he seems like a very reasonable man." She insists with her militant optimism, placing her hand firmly on my arm, right above the wrist. "No matter what though, you have to remember that you are more than any one thing—your life doesn't end today."
"But it's not just today," my frustration comes through, "it's every day."
"How so?"
"No matter what I do I can't keep up, I don't know why it's so hard for me. Like, I've been busting my ass for over a month trying to get better grades, and this is all I get? Why am I so goddamn stupid?"
"Hey, you're not stupid." Her voice raises to match mine, her firm grip locked tightly in place. "Everybody's different. I see hundreds of kids every year, each with their own unique needs, and I promise you that there is no one, right answer."
"Then how else do you explain it?" I look at her, eyes filled with a contempt she doesn't deserve. I was so scared to come here today, of the unknown, and the only thing she deserves is my thanks and respect. She has that too, it's maybe just a little harder to show at the moment. She wants to help me feel better, I'm not blind, but she was also the one who had to intervene all those years ago when she basically forced Jonah to tutor me so I wouldn't fail senior year in high school—whether she wants to admit it or not, she knows the truth almost as well as I do. Before she can debate it further the large doors we're seated in front of swing open, and Jason emerges into the hall.
"Well? How did it go?" She asks immediately, her hand finally slipping away as she rises for the verdict.
"He really didn't want to, but I finally got him to come around. He's willing to let you retake the exams you failed." Jason delivers the information directly to me. His pragmatism—much like Jonah's—is the perfect foil to his wife's optimism. I have no delusions that his clout from being on city council and a prominent member of the community played a big role in the dean's turn of heart, so I should only be thankful for him too, but I end up fumbling for the right words to express that.
"That's such great news, thank you for talking to him." Lilah steps in, offering her husband a quick kiss as thanks. A subtle glance back my way to see how I haven't left panic mode no doubt provides all the information she requires. She tells him, "I think I'm going to stay here for a bit, with Brent. Why don't you go on ahead?"
"You know I'd stay too, but I have to get back to work. You two will be fine without me?" First Jason checks his watch, pressed for time, then gazes equally between us. That says a lot, that despite how busy both of their own lives keep them, they carved out these few, precious minutes to waste on me. This—showing up today—was important to them. How important was it to Jonah? Jason rubs my shoulder affectionately as he serves up a sympathetic smile. "Try not to think too much about it, it'll all work itself out, you'll see. If you need anything just call, I'll come running."
"Have a good day at work," Lilah dispatches him swiftly when I prove incapable of the simple thanks he's owed. I do appreciate him, but, I'd be lying if I said I also didn't hate every minute he had to fight my battle for me—the both of them—I still don't want anyone's pity. Regardless, she doesn't say too much about it, she only gives me that knowing look of hers before linking her arm through mine. Together we step back onto campus, back into the sun where we can begin a steady walk to the frat house.
"I already know what you're going to say." I take the onus to break the silence when she fails to. That seems like a fair trade for before.
"Do you?" She checks me over for a moment before turning her face back towards the sunlight. She hums contentedly, the corners of her mouth crinkling up. "I wouldn't be so sure."
"You're going to say you're worried."
"Good guess. I suppose that's very true, but maybe not for the reason you think," Lilah remarks, her softly spoken nature only adding to the comfort when she tightens her hold. "I've been watching closely the last couple months, and I can't help but notice all this pressure you've been putting on yourself. Lately it's seemed to be worse, and I don't think that's fair to you—I think you're being too hard on yourself."
"I don't get what you mean," but I do. It's impossible to hide anything from her, it always has been, and I think again about the story of the boy with his finger in the dike, and how heavy my shoulders have been carrying the weight of the world. I've always wanted so much out of my life—to be worthy, to be deserving—yet every day it feels more and more like I just can't get anything right; with my dad, Bill, Jonah, or my grades. That would take a toll on anybody, sure, but I've gotten along fine. Look at every way I've bent to become whatever's needed of me, so where's the credit?
"I mean ever since your accident you've been walking around like all the light's just drained out of the world, and it scares me. It's never easy having to walk away from anything you love, and I know trying to relearn what you like and how you belong are just as hard. But like I told you before, you're still Brent." Unlike so many, she doesn't treat me like I'm blind. "You have to look for the good in all this—it's a new beginning, one where you get to find new passions and dream new dreams. I would love to see you write again."
"Even if it doesn't look like it, I am trying. I just need time." I level with her too. The truth is I already have that, I have passion, I have a dream—I have that thing that makes me special. It's Jonah, and maybe part of what she's sensing has to do with my insecurities surrounding him. Is that what he's done with this competition, has he found a new dream? Is that why it was more important than coming out here today for me? It all hits too close to the things I don't want her to see, so I deflect. "What does any of that have to do with exams?"
"This pressure you put on yourself, this pride you have about doing everything on your own, isn't working. It won't. If you want to move on to the next chapter in your life you have to take a step back and ask some really tough questions of yourself. And you have to ask for help."
"Haven't I been doing that? I got Maddy to tutor me."
"That's not the kind of help I'm talking about." Lilah pulls her arm away, all that comfort going with it. Instead she stands directly in my path, the sun lighting her from behind as though she's some kind of savior when, in reality, all she brings is another cross for me to bear. That's what sets her apart from everyone else though, even when the words are hard to say she won't shy away from them. "Madison reached out to me, now that you mention it. I thought it odd to hear from her after so long, but she had some concerns of her own."
"What kind of concerns?" Again, I already know. I'm well aware that Maddy blames herself for what happened with my exams, before I even agreed to this sit down with the dean today she had come up with her own list of ideas to make things better, but I could tell something was off. This? Calling Lilah? I don't know how to feel about that.
"We all just want what's best for you, honey. You told me in your own words that it feels like you have to work so much harder than everyone else to keep up, don't you ever wonder why that is? I think you should seriously consider getting tested for a learning disability."
"I don't believe this," despite the fact that I can clearly hear everything coming out of her mouth, I still struggle to make sense of it. All the hard work I've done to make it so far, to keep her or anyone else from smothering me with their pity, and this is what I get? Will I ever be good enough? "How can you say that to me, you of all people? Do you really think I'm that dumb?"
"Listen to me, whatever the case may be you are not dumb. You have always been so intelligent, Brent, it's just a matter of how your brain receives and processes information. That's all this means, but we won't know for sure unless you decide to get tested." She continues to speak softly, sweetly. "I understand that it's a lot to take in, but think of what a benefit this could be—you'd be entitled to the kinds of resources and accommodations you've never been given before, the kind your mind may need."
"If I had some kind of disability, don't you think we would've found it before now?" I dig my heels deeply into denial. "I'm literally about to graduate college!"
"You'd be surprised, there are overwhelming statistics that show so many people don't get diagnosed until much later in life—some not even until they're thirty or forty. You've made it work so far with this incredible support system who loves you, but there may come a day when that's not enough and I don't want it to suddenly feel like the ground's come out from under you." Denial or no, Lilah persists in dragging me into the light. "There's this dear friend of mine, she's an excellent educational psychologist, and normally she doesn't do this but I talked it over with her and she'd like to meet with you."
"I didn't ask you to do that, I don't need to get tested." The pulse behind my ears thrums loudly, and I don't realize how upset I am until she reaches out and I jerk back instinctively. She sees this, and becomes even softer somehow before she touches my face.
"It's only an idea, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. How about this, can I at least send you the details so you can think about it? Then I won't bring it up again, we don't even have to give it a second thought. Whatever you decide, I'll be here to help you figure out what happens next, remember?" The corners of her mouth crinkle up again as she smiles, linking her arm through mine once more. There's still a type of comfort to it, though it's much colder now, and just like with Jason earlier I don't know what else to say to her. I'm glad she makes conversation about far simpler things for the rest of the walk back to the frat house.
After she leaves me there she sends the information for that appointment anyway, and I stare at it for longer than I should before I attempt to bury down all the worst feelings with a few drinks. What would be so horrible about learning I really am stupid when I've known it all along? Wouldn't it help to get all that special treatment? I guess it's the same reason I can't stand her pity, everything has already been taken from me while I stood by and watched helplessly, but this last little bit that I have left—my pride, my dignity—how can she expect that I would be so eager to surrender it willingly?
It's true what I said, I only want to be worthy, but all I feel is like my good will never be good enough and that makes me want to drink even more. I'm unable to see whatever new dreams Lilah has convinced herself are waiting right over the horizon for me. I've peaked, I can admit that, everything I was good at or loved is behind me now except for Jonah, but I'm rapidly learning that I can't hardly hold onto him either. But I'm trying to, desperately. It's no wonder Jonah was able to find his own new dreams so effortlessly, the appeal of getting to go so far away in search of something fresh that still means something must be hard to resist.
This one, measly hour left until I have to go to work is the only respite I have to shove all of these bad feelings that only appear to be compounding into a box. I probably shouldn't be drinking like this before I go to the garage, but Maddy's right, this is how we Fox men deal. Who knows, maybe she's right about everything, I've never claimed to know much, but there's something I was right about too. The unknown prevails and I haven't got the first goddamn clue what's going to happen with Jonah, or this thing with my dad, but a change is coming—I can feel it—and things will never be the same.