The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 16: Chapter 16

Even a week later things are still tense with Jonah, I don't know, we've been talking about a lot of stuff since that hideous meltdown, but I feel like mostly we're avoiding the subject. I thought some of the tension would be alleviated when we moved back in with his parents until next semester starts, but it hasn't. Jason and Lilah are great though, they've been trying to get me pumped for my make-up exams now that the date's been set, despite how hard it's been to get motivated for much of anything—especially their anniversary party tonight. All my shit is still packed away in the corner where I left it, which was probably a dumb choice since I can't find anything halfway presentable to wear as I dig through the bags.
I've got like ten minutes before I have to meet Jason downstairs, and it only now dawns on me that I probably should've started getting ready sooner, but then, I can't be too hard on myself. After the kind of month this has been it was nice to have a day like today, nobody but me and Jason watching the game while Jonah and Lilah went on ahead to get everything set up for the party. I really like hanging out with Jason, and for just a few hours it was like old times again. Things may not be perfect, but I guess they're the best I can hope for right now—much like the only somewhat wrinkled dress shirt I manage to produce from one of the bags.
Each of my ten minutes is stretched thin while I work quickly to make myself presentable, but inevitably I wind up in the bathroom, standing transfixed in front of the mirror while I take a hard look at my reflection. What an incredible sense of dissonance it proves to be too when I fail to recognize it, I mean, I know I've put on a few extra pounds since I stopped playing football, sure, but mostly it's in the eyes—they're darker somehow, like a light has gone out. Honestly it's unsettling, but hearing Jason call up the stairs serves as a reminder that I'm out of time.
We're quiet in the car but that's okay, it's not an uncomfortable silence. Jason has always been reserved, and when he speaks it's always careful, always precise. That's probably what makes him so good at his job, and what got him reelected to city council. I'm sure it's what makes him such a good husband and father too. But I know firsthand that he wasn't always so perfect; even with a divorce under his belt it took almost losing Jonah to make him wake up and change. He's better for it, and I start to think that maybe I could learn a thing or two from him.
Tonight won't be some magical departure from my reality, I can tell right as we arrive at the venue. No matter how bad I want it I feel like an alien, out of place, stuck in the in-between—moving neither forward or back. It's weird setting aside all the real life stuff to play pretend for even this one night, and them trying to fit me into their shiny, happy world still makes me feel like an imposter. But I can be whatever they need me to be, so I stich on my happy grin before following Jason inside.
"There's my handsome guys," Lilah purrs when we enter. They've spared no expense to celebrate their anniversary, and I'm blown away by how beautifully she's decorated the space. It's not nearly as beautiful as she is tonight in her best dress, and after she's greeted us both with a peck on the cheek I notice just how much she's starting to show.
"The place looks great, hon. Anything you need us to do?" Jason asks, slapping me on the back.
"Why don't you go check on Grace and Jonah before one of them falls off the ladder?" She smiles, directing our attention to the affable pair as they attempt to hang the banner. Jason, overtly concerned, rushes to their aide, while I glance back at Lilah to find her watching me. Her smile grows, "help me in the kitchen?"
"You really thought of everything, I'm impressed." I trail closely behind her. There are a ton of caterers, and she's paying them a lot of money, I'm sure she doesn't have to be so anxious, but she still insists on overseeing every final detail. That's just her though, and unlike her husband I bet she's always been this same, amazing person.
"Well I am trying," her eyes scan the room intently, looking for anything out of place. Yet there's only one thing that doesn't belong here, and she finds it easily enough when I'm fixed in her sights again. "Thank you for being here tonight, it means a lot to me."
"Don't mention it, seriously, I wouldn't miss it for anything." And I mean it. After all she's done for me the least I could do was pull myself up out of my pity party long enough to support her on her special night.
"I know." Lilah brushes my hair back gently, "I just don't want to overload you, I can imagine you've got plenty on your mind as it is between school and work. If at any point this gets to be too much I want you to pull me aside, I'll take you home."
"Why would I do that? I'll be having way too much fun out there. Besides, you've got all those fancy, rich friends to impress, I think you should be worried about them." It should be so masterfully easy to play off, and with anyone else it might work, but my attempt to put her fears at ease fails when she sees right through it.
"Believe it or not this whole thing was Jason's idea, I've never really been one for big crowds, so please, give me an excuse to leave." Lilah leads with a joke. She's been planning this whole thing diligently for months, yet I don't doubt anything she says when she gets more serious. "I don't care about any of this, that's not what's important. You are, and all I want is for you to be happy. You've got a lot on your shoulders, god knows I see it, but you don't have to pretend to be so tough all the time, honey. Sometimes it's okay to not be okay."
"I get that you're only looking out for me, but you don't have to—I can deal with work." That's the closest I'm able to come to the truth without lying again. She's such an incredible person, and it makes me feel guilty that she's back here doting on me when this whole evening is supposed to be about her. That's why, even though I still hate the idea, I take the heavy so she won't have to. "And as for school, well, I've been thinking a lot about it, and I decided to take you up on that offer to meet with your friend. To get, uh, to get tested."
"Are you sure that's what you want?" She redirects, no doubt suspicious at my sudden turnaround. I'm not totally sure but I don't think I have much choice. I said it myself, some things are worth changing and I don't want to stay like this forever, so why fight it? The nod I give her in response, my only answer, does exactly what I hoped for—I see the relief wash over her, freeing her up to enjoy an occasion that she is well deserving of. "Then I'll call her first thing tomorrow, you focus on having a good time tonight and I'll handle the rest."
"That I can do." My patchwork smile returns, and as much as I dread the thought of getting tested, there's this tiny part in the back of my brain that thinks this is maybe the right step. With my life spiraling out of control, this is one thing I'm in control of, that I get to decide, and it's like that weight she could see on my shoulders is lifted just the slightest bit. It's a conversation for a different day though, so I clear my throat in hopes of getting her back on track. "Can we get out of here now? You don't want to be late to your own party."
"No, we wouldn't want that." Another easy joke escapes her as she follows my cue, continuing to stare at me for a while longer. When she's finally had her fill she reaches up to put both hands on my face, kissing my forehead softly before stepping back and offering one last, fleeting comfort before she sighs and exits the kitchen. Despite what she said—about not having to act so tough—it feels selfish taking a few more minutes to get my head together, but I wait until I've barely convinced myself that I can make it through the night to head back out to the main hall where everybody else is.
It isn't long before the bulk of the guests start to show up then, and even though I'm not the most sociable person these days, I play nice while Lilah tows me around by the arm to introduce me to her friends. A feat which is far more bearable after a couple of drinks, I might add. The party goes off without a hitch, and while it wasn't anything I'd been expecting, I'm pleasantly surprised when I have a decent time. Maybe it is all pretend, but the world stands still with me for once so I can put it out of my mind. It goes on that way for an hour, and right after I've excused myself from a boring conversation between Grace and Jonah to go over to the bar, Jason stands erect in front of the whole crowd to give a toast to his wife.
Lilah looks on, tears in her eyes while he recounts all the most beautiful things about her. It's like I said though, Jason has a way with words, and even I feel something move within me as he celebrates the vast love he has for her—something more than just the bad feelings I've grown accustomed to. Instinctively and without my permission, my eyes keep finding their way back to Jonah, and even though he watches his dad proudly I still can't help but feel my own vast love for him. The atmosphere and alcohol is my own personal and deadly combination, because even with everything else between us I fully realize, as if for the first time, exactly what he means to me.
After Jason finishes his speech the guests all go back to dancing, and I half-expect Jonah to pull Grace out onto the floor again now that their uninteresting conversation is finished. Already I'm working to come up with elaborate ways to separate them, like telling her that Devin's showed up to look for her so she'll go hide in the bathroom or something, but it turns out all my mischievous plotting is for nothing when Jonah starts in my direction. I'm a bit nervous that he'll ask me for that dance instead, but I've had a couple of beers and I'm sure I could find the nerve.
"Trying to sneak off?" His arm snakes around my waist and he pulls me closer, speaking lowly into my ear, "it's getting kind of loud in here. You want to go outside?"
"Gladly. Let's do it," I say, towing him at my side as we slip through one of the side doors onto the patio. The night air, cool and liberating, feels good on my skin, and I appreciate it more than I ever have after being in that room with all those people. I appreciate a lot of things more tonight. "I'm surprised you didn't want to keep hanging with Grace."
"Meh, I'll see her tomorrow. I wanted to be with you."
"So why didn't you ask me to dance?" I tease.
"Because I know how much you hate it." He flexes, proving just how well he knows me. I don't really hate dancing though, I'm happy for any excuse to be closer to him, it's really more about being on the spot like that in front of everyone. Apparently I'm like Lilah in that regard, it's awkward and I have two left feet. He surely knows that too, and we stare at each other for a long second before I cave with a quiet laugh.
"Fuck it," the music is still plenty loud out here, so I move in closer to him and put one hand on his hip, offering him the other to hold. Without a word he melts into me and we just dance, without a care in the entire universe. For whatever reason I'm still deep in my feelings, and I'm all too aware of how familiar this all feels—dancing out here with him all alone, at night. It's just like our prom, and even back then when I already loved him so much I had no idea how much more fiercely I would grow to love him now. It makes me reckless, "do you ever think about it?"
"Think about what?" Jonah asks dreamily, his voice sounding loudly now that his head is rested on my shoulder.
"Your dad, Lilah. Like, what if your mom hadn't left him and they'd never met?" Back inside, during his speech, Jason had called her his true love and I felt that. But what makes it true, how did he know it wasn't like any other love?
"I'm not really sure, but I think they still would've found each other eventually." The notion spills from Jonah so naturally while I cling to every last thing he says, like it doesn't even demand consideration. "I think we all have someone like that out there, you know, someone who shares a part of us."
"You mean like soulmates?"
"Maybe, I don't know what you'd call it. My mom left my dad and he got through it, but I don't think he would've been able to if they were meant to be. I think when you find that person you just know, because you couldn't imagine your life without them—like it would literally kill you if they were gone, and you'd do anything to grow old together. It's the kind of love people die for, or the kind that you feel so much that it hurts."
"Sounds like you've given it some thought," I murmur, considering his definition of true love. We're both so young, yeah, and we were definitely younger than any of our parents when we got together, but I'll be damned if we don't check all these boxes. I've had plenty of relationships before, I even thought I loved Maddy once, but nothing has ever come close to feeling like this, like what I feel for Jonah.
"That's because I have." He kisses my neck sweetly but it doesn't change a thing—even after our argument and all my insecurities, I already know he feels it too. We've still got a million things to figure out but I'm certain now, more emphatically than ever, that through all the unknown and things I can't control, this is where I'm meant to be. This is my destiny. I can't be sure why I hadn't thought about it before when this is obviously the road we've always been headed down, but here, tonight, with his heart beating right next to mine under the stars, I realize just how much I want to marry this boy.