The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Even after what I thought might turn out to be my darkest day, I'm glad to know I've still got a shot at escaping this half-life. As a result of that sweet gesture from my equally as sweet boyfriend I'm ready to pull the trigger on the proposal. The timing couldn't be better either, my make-up exams are only a few days away now and I'm in desperate need of something good. Being dyslexic hasn't revealed itself as the great evil I'd so feared, but I'm not willing to let my guard down yet. It's still coming. There are far too many things to keep me in this godawful place—the in-between—but I don't want to think about them. All I want to think about is Jonah, and the plan I have to ensure he'll always be mine.
"I'm not saying your love isn't eternal or some shit, but this is a huge decision." Devin prattles on, the way he has been since I asked him here over half an hour ago to look at rings. They're just photos on my screen right now, and most of them are probably way out of my price range, but nothing's too good for my Jonah—I only want the best for him. Discouragingly, Devin has been less than receptive to the idea. "Forever's a long ass time, like, if you say you're going to love him forever you'll have to mean that for the next sixty, seventy years!"
"Call me a romantic, but somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem." I say, lowering my voice so that our conversation might not carry as far. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to ask Devin to come over to the garage, but with being on break there weren't a lot of options since we definitely can't talk about it at the house. Most of the guys here are pretty cool about everything, I think, but we've already attracted enough attention holed up here in the break room, the last thing I need is for someone to go running back to tattle to my dad. While he's been strangely decent lately, that would signify a nightmare I just don't have the constitution to deal with.
"Fine, but I still think you should at least wait until after graduation." My best friend insists.
"I need you to have my back on this, man. I'm not crazy, I hear what you're saying, but I'm going through with this whether you're with me or not. Just, I'm kind of hoping it'll be with me because I was thinking of asking you to be my best man." The bait I dangle in front of him proves to be effective, I can see him rethinking his entire argument. Good, I would hate to waste what little bit of time we have bickering about semantics. The garage is about to close and Lilah will be here to pick me up soon, I want our last few precious moments to be productive. To seal the deal, I force his hand with a simple truth. "Plus, you'll get to be that much closer to Grace."
"That's low," he rolls his eyes. Still, he bites the hook when he pushes my hand out of the way to scroll back to one of the rings I'd already passed. "Here, he'll like this one, there's not a lot of fuss."
"What would you know about it?"
"More than you apparently. I've dated plenty of girls like Jonah, they're not all into the big and flashy. It's in the poetry, bro, trust me." Devin is convinced of the ring he's chosen. The more I look at it, the more I realize he's right—when it comes to Jonah it's never been about what's on the outside, it's the symbolism, the heart. It helps that I can picture him wearing it too and it brings a smile to my face.
"It's perfect." I agree, filled with an insane amount of unmanly giddiness. It's hard to contain when everything is coming together with Devin giving in, and the ring being in a shop less than an hour away from us. This is the first time since I busted up my knee that I've actually been able to look forward to my future without wanting to vomit, the first time I've had any sense of purpose again. The past few months almost feel like a bad dream—like the kind of nightmare I'm avoiding with my father—but it's over now and I can finally wake up.
"What's perfect? Me? Because I already know that." Maddy's lilting voice gives her away even before the staccato click of her heels fills the room. Clearly she hasn't learned anything from her prior visit, because she's even more dressed up than before—a fact that doesn't go unnoticed by the two other guys hanging out back here. "I'd say I don't want to interrupt, but that would be a lie."
"Whoa, wait a minute, you didn't mention the evil bitch queen was going to be here." Devin sneers at her when she joins us at the table.
"Oh, Devin, I hardly noticed you there," she smirks, speaking louder, "how's your micropenis?"
"Funny, real funny. What are you all dolled up for, going to work your usual corner?" He fires back, pretending like he hasn't been gutted even as his cheeks grow redder. When she only laughs he turns to me again, "good luck with that one, I've got to get going. Text me later?"
"You don't have to leave, Dev." I offer him a sympathetic hand.
"No, it's fine, my mom will be expecting me anyway."
"It's a miracle you ever made it out of her basement in the first place." Another wisecrack comes trickling from Maddy's lips, earning her a loathsome glare before Devin goes, surely off to lick his wounds. Once we're alone I just look at her and shake my head, but in place of contrition she just laughs again. "I'm sorry, I can't help it, it's just too fun."
"You should cut him some slack, he's a good guy." I tell her.
"A good guy? No such thing, men are all trash." She plops her purse down on the table with an audible thump.
"Damn, I'll try not to take that personally."
"You're gay, it doesn't count." Again she speaks with the same nonchalance while rummaging around in her infinite bag of treasure, and though she obviously meant anything but, I think I take that even more personally. "What were you and the hairy wonder talking about anyway?"
"Me and Devin?" Busted. Hearing her really acknowledge my sexuality for the first time feels like a big step—as emasculating as she makes it—but even after all the baby steps before it I still can't be sure where we stand. I decide to feel her out, "we were talking about Jonah."
"Boyfriend trouble? Can't relate, seeing as you've failed to find me one yet." Maddy remarks sharply, only half joking. "Thankfully I haven't been holding my breath though, I've been chatting with this super cute guy online, with the most amazing abs, and I'm finally going to meet up with him. Hence my favorite dress. You like?"
"It's definitely something. But hey, by all means, if you've got somewhere to be don't let me keep you."
"This may come as a surprise to you, but I did actually have a reason for stopping by, dingus." Her next stab at humor fairs better than the first. Eventually she manages to find what she'd been digging for in her purse, and I look over at her with a furrowed brow as she sets the notebook down on the table. Next to that she sets a pack of index cards, and a set of highlighters. "I thought since we're not going to have time to study until the day after I'd give these to you now. Last night I did a ton of research on dyslexia, and I know this isn't the answer to everything but all the stuff I read acted like this was a really good place to start."
"Did you really do all that?" I don't really know how to feel about it. On a day where she would normally be all about meeting a potential date, did she really take the time out to put this together? "That's honestly kind of amazing."
"I know, you're like, ridiculously lucky to have me. I also learned some tricks that are supposed to help when we're studying, but we'll have to see, since you're obviously still struggling to grasp the concept of common sense if you're asking your braindead friend for relationship advice." From sweet to sour, Maddy demonstrates that there are plenty of pieces of her personality that remain predictable. "I bet he's literally the worst boyfriend in history."
"Devin can be a lot sometimes, I get that, but he never meant to offend you. He is a good guy, I can vouch for him," again I defend him, yet I hesitate to correct the rest of the narrative when I still can't decide what being honest would mean with her. Maybe it's the strangely thoughtful gift, or just that it wouldn't make sense to lead with dishonesty when this thing between us is only now getting back on track, but I'm compelled to tell the truth. "What we were actually talking about was how I'm going to, um, ask Jonah to marry me."
"Wow." The singular and underwhelming response is the only one she gives initially, but I try to keep an eye open for any indication of what she might be thinking while her face cycles through a series of complex and incomparable emotion. Though I can't make sense of most of them, I certainly recognize the disbelief she settles on. "You're kidding, right?"
"Not you too, I need somebody to be on my side here." This is supposed to be a happy thing, it kind of sucks that all my friends can't get on board. "Devin's already been saying what a bad idea he thinks it is."
"It makes me throw up a little in my mouth to say this, like actual bile, but I can't believe I agree with him. On anything." Maddy frowns. "I'm not trying to be a bitch, but have you thought it all the way through? You've got school to worry about, and your uncle, and you were saying how Jonah might even take off to New York. What happened to that? People change, relationships change, and sometimes the person you thought you'd spend your whole life with suddenly goes away. I don't think you should do this."
"How can you say that? I realize I've got a lot of other shit going on, but you don't know anything about me and Jonah's relationship—you don't know what it's like when you really love somebody." For some reason her objections stings worse than my best friend's, but when I speak, when I defend my choice, she looks as though I've just stabbed her through the heart.
"And how can you say that? I guess I'm the one who should try not to take that too personally. Whatever, it was only a suggestion, I'm late for my date." She stands in a hurry, obviously pissed for some reason that's beyond my understanding. Maybe I'd ask her to stay, like I had Devin, but I feel sort of weird about it too. Instead I let her go, giving nothing more than a quick acknowledgement when she stops beside me on her way out to touch my shoulder softly. "I hope you know what you're doing. Don't forget about our study date, I'll see you then, Brent."
I dwell on it more than I should after she goes. I take into account all her objections and all of Devin's too, replaying them in my mind throughout the rest of my shift and in the car ride home with Lilah while she makes conversation—totally unaware of my plan. Right as we pull into the driveway I get a sweet text from Jonah, nothing special, just a few words to say how much he's missing me right now, even though he's supposed to be having girls' night with Grace. They're back to being inseparable with everyone home for break, but between that and working on the competition he's been diligent in trying to find time for us to be together.
How this is all going to work when we go back to school I'm not sure, but I'm avoiding the thought. I only think about the now, and what I want and what feels good. It stays with me as I sit quietly on the couch, mindlessly pretending that I'm watching TV with Jason and Lilah when all I can focus on is this one thing. Another text comes through after a while, this time from Devin, setting our plan in motion to go pick up the ring tomorrow. Regardless of what else I'm unsure of—the unknown—I still know I'm at least sure about this. After the show ends I sit forward, clearing my throat to draw Jason's attention before he can run off to bed. It works too well when he turns the set off and glances over curiously.
"Before Jonah gets home there was something I wanted to talk to you about." Realistically everything I need to say is to him, but Lilah sits at his side, collateral damage, an aggressively more curious look in her eye as she rubs her growing stomach. It all makes me nervous, so I stare at the floor to ground myself. "This is probably going to sound crazy, and I don't know, maybe it is, but I think if you hear me out you'll agree that this is a good thing. I love Jonah, so much, probably more than I've ever loved anything, and I, uh, well, I want to ask him to marry me. And I want your blessing."
"That's a lot to ask, I'm not sure what to say." Same as everyone else, the announcement takes him by surprise. Not Lilah though, she only continues to watch me closely. He looks over to her, perhaps seeking her buy in, but when she offers no insight of her own he exhales loudly. "I know you love each other, and I know you probably have the best intentions, but you're both just kids. Marriage isn't easy, even for Lilah and myself, it takes constant work and I worry about either of you getting hurt."
"I don't expect it to be easy, but look at everything we've already been through together. Even at its worst there'll never be anyone else I'd rather figure it out with—he's all I ever think about. Now that we're about to graduate I can't think of a better reason." I protest. Neither he nor Lilah found much luck in their first marriages, so I get where he's coming from, but it's like Jonah said—whether it's the first or second time around, none of that matters when you've found your person, the one who shares that special part of you.
"You're sure you want to do this? You're already such a big part of the family, you don't have anything to prove." Jason feels around, searching for more of an answer than there is.
"I do." I say the words without irony.
"What else is there then?" He resigns, going quiet for moment. "If you want to marry my son then I'm not going to stop you."
"Maybe we should take the night to talk things through," Lilah interjects quickly, seemingly surprised by his response. "We don't want to go rushing into anything."
"What rushing, who's rushing? They're not teenagers anymore, Lilah, you honestly don't think they're going to do what they want regardless of what we say?" After he addresses his wife he turns back my way. "You said you love Jonah?"
"You know I do." It's not even a question.
"Then that's all I care about. I'm not totally on board with the idea but you're two of the most stubborn people I've ever known, so if you can promise to take care of him and treat him right, I'll give you both all my support." Jason forsakes whatever reservations his better half is obviously feeling when he stands up, extending his hand. He's a military man, old-fashioned, this is an agreement between gentlemen, and I clamber to my feet to nod my head solemnly, agreeing to those easy terms. Lilah still sits there quietly, watching as we clasp hands. Jason smiles, "good. Brent, you have my blessing."