The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 2: Chapter 2

There's this funny thing that happens when you get hurt. People change, they start watching what they say around you, or acting different, or in my case, they just stop coming around altogether. Not the people I really care about, never them, but my so-called friends, the guys from my team—even some of the guys from my frat house. And what really pisses me off is that they think I don't notice, that just because I'm dumb means I'm blind or some bullshit. Maybe they think they're doing me a favor, I don't know, it's not like I want their goddamn pity anyway, but it still sucks. At the end of the day I'm probably just a fucked up reminder of something they'd much rather forget.
Good for them. I can't be so lucky. I saw a lot of friendly faces that first week in the hospital with their balloons and their well-meaning wishes, but that was over a month ago now and it's been crickets ever since. I'm supposed to be moving on—don't dwell, everyone says—it could've been worse after I got sacked by that three-hundred-pound steroid gobbling douchebag. I didn't blow my knee out, that would've been the worst case scenario, and the doctor says I should even be able to play again in a year. Obviously he doesn't realize how pointless that is for me.
Life goes on though, it's not interested in stopping on my account, so instead of sitting around and crying about it I'm pushing right along. After a crippling month I'm finally done with physical therapy, today was my last day, and now that I've been weaned off the crutches I'm hoping that things might start getting back to normal. Or, as normal as they will ever be from here on out. I still don't think I've fully processed that I won't be able to play football, but I'm trying not to think about it, I'm trying to focus all my energy on figuring out how to fill my new abundance of free time.
Jonah was awesome the whole time I was laid up, I seriously don't know what I would've done without him, but having him by my side really put into perspective how divided his attention has been since we started our senior year. It wouldn't be fair to keep making him tutor me, so now that my last class is over I'm hanging out in the student center instead of getting ready for football practice like I would've been before the accident, reading over this list of tutors posted on the bulletin board. Definitely not my idea of fun, but I've got to somehow find someone competent enough to get through to my dumbass, while also being affordable on what little I earn at my part-time job.
Easy, right?
"What's up, homo?" A boisterous voice cuts through the normally quiet chatter of the student center, much to the disdain of literally everyone. That voice belongs to Devin Roberts, the towering six-and-a-half-foot wall of meat that stalks towards me, throwing his arm around my shoulder when he's close enough. Oh, and he's also my best friend. "Would you believe I've never actually been in here before? How the hell did you get here, bro, this place is for nerds. What happened to you meeting me after class?"
"Try checking your phone, Dev. I texted you." I say dryly, a little embarrassed for him to catch me like this. He's kind of a moron, but he's a good friend, and like Jonah he's been diligent in trying to make himself available to help me through this—as if that's what I want. Like I said, I'm not blind, I can tell he's trying too hard. I sigh, telling him a small lie to preserve my dignity, "I'm trying to get this stupid tutor thing sorted, Jonah's been up my ass about it."
"Oh, what are you complaining about? I hear that's how you like it anyway." He takes a cheap shot, clearly hoping I'll be drawn into our usual banter. Any other day I might be, but right now all I can muster is a playful shove for his efforts. The least I can do is cut him some slack, he's always had my back—we've been close since we joined Theta together, years ago. It's kind of weird now that he's president of our fraternity because seriously, who thought it was a good idea to put him in charge of anything? Regardless, he's still as devoted a friend as ever, "you okay?"
"A little annoyed that you keep asking that, but yeah, why wouldn't I be?" As if I've done something to royally piss off the universe, there's a sudden surge of excitement in the room when a few of my old teammates pass by. The salt burns in my wound knowing that it could've been me getting pumped for the game next week—should've been me—but instead I'm here. I've got to remind myself to man up, that's all, so that's what I do as I readdress my best friend. "I've just got to get my grades up before I flunk out."
"Don't be an asshole, I'm only trying to help. You know, now that you're a cripple I could totally take you, keep it up." Devin teases again, relentless in his quest to get a smile out of me. After plastering on that stupid, familiar grin of his he turns to peruse the list with me. "Fine, I'll help, someone has to stop you from making a huge mistake. This whole list is a pile of garbage! Trust me, I've slept with most of the girls on here, you don't want to get anywhere near them. Like her, she's a biter. Or her, too clingy."
"It's not like I plan on sleeping with them, dipshit."
"Like you could do better?"
"Fuck you."
"I bet you'd like to, but this ass is off limits." Somehow he manages to drag me into the sparring match he was hoping for, providing him with a triumphant smirk when I chuckle. Once he's pleased with himself he can be more serious, "look, if you're really that desperate I can hook you up with my ex's roommate, I hear she's been doing tutoring on the side for, like, super cheap."
"No offense, but the last time you tried to help out it didn't go so well." Believe me, the stories I could tell are endless.
"What? When have I ever steered you wrong? Don't answer that, just think about it. Now can we go, please? We've got to get stocked for next weekend and honestly this place creeps me out—there's so much learning going on." A mischievous expression befalls Devin when he reminds me of yet another event I'm not looking forward to. As the coolest fraternity on campus, the honor of throwing all the after-game parties has always fallen to Theta Theta Tau, and as Devin's wingman, I have the honor of helping him get it all set up. Before I follow him back to his car I grab a couple of numbers off of the bulletin board to be safe.
I used to love going on these runs, I don't know, but maybe that was because these parties would be a reason to celebrate coming off of a fresh victory. Like it or not, I have to face that life as I know it has ended, and all I have to show for what it used to be is this hideous puke green brace the doctor gave me. My knee still doesn't feel a hundred percent and I guess this is supposed to help with that, but how am I ever going to move on when I'm saddled with this fucking thing to make sure I don't forget? As soon as Bill lets me I'll get back to work, I think that might make all this easier—having that normalcy—but until then I have to try putting it out of my mind.
Devin tries to make it easy, for the whole rest of our excursion he doesn't say anything else about my accident, no matter how badly I know he wants to. Instead we exchange witty remarks and argue over music—he likes country, which is godawful—and we drive around to every last corner store to load up on an insane amount of beer and snacks. Despite this persistent need I've had lately to be alone, I am grateful for him, it's kind of hard not to laugh when he's around. Still, when we get back to the frat house I leave him to do all the unloading by himself so I can hurry over to the campus bookstore.
"Believe it or not, I was actually just thinking about you. Walk me home?" Jonah's face begins to glow when he steps out of the bookstore to lock up. No matter how shitty my days are, they always end up alright as long as I get to curl up with my favorite person in the whole world at the end of them. I wonder if he feels the same way while he looks at me with tired eyes from a long shift, holding out his hand patiently. There are no options, I am drawn to it, drawn to him; like a moth to a flame, by some gravitational pull, by a kismet scheme I have no control over. My hand fits perfectly into his, two pieces of a whole, and once our fingers are locked tightly together he pulls me along with him. "How was your day?"
"It was decent, nothing really to tell. I drove around with Devin to get ready for the party next weekend." I shrug it off. I've been very careful with Jonah, more so than anybody else since he's the one person I really care about treating me different. He used to think I was so awesome, but now? His is the only pity that would be worse than death for me, so I try not to let him see.
"Let's just hope he didn't talk you into day drinking again. How was physical therapy?" His hand still feels so warm and comforting in mine, but his eyes don't hold the same effect when he looks at me expectantly. I scoff and offer another shrug, not really wanting to lie to him but not wanting to tell him the truth either. He seems to accept this, "that good, huh? I know it hasn't been easy but I mean, at least it's done."
"That's true, now I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things." I smile for him.
"See, I told you it would get better." Hearing that must come as an immense relief to him, I can see the weight lifting off his shoulders when he comes to a full stop to look right in my eyes, serious. The road to recovery was rough for a while there, I'll never know how he didn't get sick of me, but he's stayed diligently at my side. I feel like I should kiss him for that now, he looks like he wants me to, but when I start to lean in his phone buzzes loudly in his pocket. He laughs quietly at the cockblock before taking out his phone, checking to see who might dare interrupt this moment.
"You should probably get that." I tell him, catching a glimpse of his screen when he fails to hide it well enough. He tried, but he has to know I saw it, I guess he must think I'm blind like everyone else and for him—only him—I'm willing to be. It's none of my business why he doesn't want to talk to his mom. They aren't close, they never really have been, and even though she's made more of an effort in the past few years to correct that I respect Jonah's choice. After all, I know better than anyone what it's like to have a parent who can't be bothered to give a single, solitary fuck about you.
"It's not important." With a deep breath, Jonah shuts the phone off and tucks it away, seizing the opportunity to move in close. Both his arms wrap around me, palms flat on my back, and he tucks his face into my neck as he clings on for dear life. It proves what I said, because all my problems suddenly seem to fade away now that I'm here with him, in his arms. Whatever else I have to face pales somehow, and I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels it when he tightens his hold after a quiet minute. "I love you."
"I love you too." Another smile crosses my lips as I kiss the top of his head. It smells just like him, the scent of my Jonah. Going on five years and I would recognize it anywhere, it's on all my shit. Even when we get really busy and I don't see much of him for days at a time I can trust that when I put my face near my pillow I'll be able to smell him. I'm already in a better mood.
"Good," he laughs lightly, beginning to move again, but with a slower pace so he can drag it out now that we're so close to his dorm. "I was really hoping we could do something next weekend, I forgot all about the party."
"Well what about this weekend?"
"Grace is going to be here, I promised her we'd hang out." The thought seems to have him torn, and with the right pressure I could probably persuade him to ditch her, but I don't ever want to come between their friendship. Besides, they were together way before I ever came into his life.
"Then we can just skip the party, it's no big deal, I don't mind." And I don't, I would choose Jonah over anything else. We've spent a lot of years together, I'm sure he can tell how serious I am, because despite the fact that we've reached his door he lingers longer than he should, the tips of our fingers just barely clinging together.
"No, I think we should go, it'll be good for you, we'll make it work. Besides, there's plenty we can do right now to spend time together." Yet again he knows all the right things to say, the side of his mouth tugging up seductively as he pulls me into his room and over to his bed, both hands starting on my belt while I use mine to grab his waist. We haven't really had sex since the accident, it just seemed like it would be too difficult with the rigid brace I had before this one and how sore my knee was. There was other stuff we could do, sure, but it wasn't the same, I missed this, and the thought gets me excited quickly as I feel him work his way down to my crotch.
He pushes me onto the bed and steps back to slide my jeans to my ankles, stopping when he spots the puke green brace. I'm not exactly self-consciousness about it, not with him, but it's still so goddamn ugly and I start to feel like maybe I should say something. Finding the adequate words is a small struggle, but before I can even begin he touches it softly, glancing up at me as he presses his lips to it tenderly. Then he moves up to kiss my thigh, and then he leans forward and pushes himself up to kiss me fully.
Remember what I said about the lack of privacy sucking ass? I start unbuttoning his shirt when he climbs into my lap, but I barely manage to get it undone before we're interrupted. Believe it or not, this isn't the first time we got caught up and forgot to lock the door, and it wouldn't be so bad if it was only Jonah's roommate, but he's also let in a very shocked Grace. Jonah just kind of looks over his shoulder and laughs a bit while she raises her eyebrows and hums sassily.
If I wasn't about to die from embarrassment already, the situation gets a thousand times worse when we see who comes piling out of this clown car next. Now Jonah takes it more seriously, hiding his face in my chest as he pulls his shirt closed tightly. What a shitty day this is turning out to be, I just wanted to chill and have sex with my boyfriend, but I can tell that's off the table now that I've never been more horrified in my entire life to see his parents.