The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Quiet laughter echoes down the hall while I stand outside Jonah's dorm, waiting to knock. So many people are glad now that break is ending and all their friends are trickling back to campus, but I'm not one of them. It'll be harder to ignore Maddy now—though, to be fair she gave up on trying to call me a week ago. I know it's still shitty what I'm doing to her, but I haven't yet decided how to handle what she told me. Work's not any easier either, I thought when Bill got back I wouldn't have to worry as much, but seeing him again, even after just talking to him not that long ago, I can't get over how thin he looks. It's scary, and suddenly I'm right back to being in the unknown.
Having these last few weeks to escape my reality with Jonah was so important, I fucking loved it, but now that that's ending too I don't know what to expect. I'm glad that I proposed to him when I did, because even though he rushed back to dive headfirst into all his responsibilities here I'm comforted to at least have that to hold onto. I guess some things have to change, and others really should, but I'm hoping that out of everything else, Jonah and I are the one thing that can stay the same. That hope propels me up to the door, but when I go to knock, it opens all on its own.
"Jesus, you scared the shit out of me. I didn't realize you were going to drop by," Jonah chuckles, ignoring the start it'd given him to find me right outside his door. "You should've called."
"Probably, but it was a last minute decision. Devin won't shut up about his date tonight, and if I had to listen to him drool about Grace another second I think I would've literally murdered him. Since prison doesn't sound like a fun idea, I thought I'd come see if you wanted help unpacking instead." The excuse is flimsy—as true as it is—but I use it to my advantage nonetheless as I lean forward with both hands on either side of the doorframe, trapping my fiancé.
"Have you even started unpacking your stuff yet?" He calls me out, amused with himself. In my typical fashion all my shit is just sitting in the middle of the floor in my room where I dumped it, but I'll let it sit there all night if it means I get to spend it with him. Unfortunately he has other plans, "see, looks like you've got plenty to do to avoid Devin. Ironically I'm off to help Grace pick out an outfit for their date, you know how picky she is, it took her all day to decide whether or not she wanted to press her hair."
"Do you have to? She's old enough to pick out her own clothes," I've still got Jonah trapped, and I try to lure him away from his best friend as I move in even closer until I can feel his breath on my lips. He's tempted, I can see that well enough, but ultimately it's clear he won't abandon her. With a sigh I relent, "or maybe I could come with."
"You? Talking about clothes? What did you do with the real Brent?" He makes another joke to smooth over the fact that I'm not invited. "This is her last day before she heads back to school, I was kind of hoping it could be a me and her thing."
"Well what about after then? We could watch a movie or something." The rational part of my brain understands its okay for him to want time alone with his best friend, but the other, much bigger part, is still fighting more irrationally to hold on to what we'd been able to have over break.
"That sounds amazing, and normally I'd be all for it, but ever since I got back things have been so crazy and I'm still trying to get caught up on so much. We'll find some time to spend together, I promise, just bear with me. Okay?" Jonah tugs on my arm gently, removing it like an obstacle. I'm sure he notices the disappointed look I don't try all that hard to hide, so he purses his lips sternly. "The good news is the deadline for the competition is next week and then it'll be done, and that'll be one less thing I have to worry about. Until then you'll hardly even notice I'm missing, now that Lilah's in charge of the wedding I bet she's going to keep you plenty busy."
"You need all that time to work on your competition? A whole week, that's like," I reel, admittedly a bit surprised. I guess I hadn't realized this New York thing would still be all that important now that we're engaged. I don't point out that he's still managed to squeeze Grace in despite his apparently busy schedule, yet I also don't give up completely. "Maybe we could at least pick a couple nights after I get off work to hang out. I get that you've got a lot going on, but I want to be with you."
"That's sweet, but we were together for the whole break, I've got other stuff I have to worry about too—and so do you." He let's me down in the nicest way possible, doing what he can to be reassuring in the process. "We're so close to graduating, these next few months are going to be rough, but it'll be worth it. We're going to have to learn how to be, like, I don't know, adaptable—especially if I end up getting this internship."
"Wait, hold on. What do you mean?" As surprised as I already was, I'm actually floored when he makes the statement so matter-of-factly. I thought we were on the same page. I thought when he said yes that day on the football field we had committed to a shared plan for our future. It had been so certain, I don't understand how we got back to this, to him wanting to leave on his next adventure to a new place with new and evidently far more interesting people. I clarify in disbelief, "you're still planning to go? What about me?"
"I thought about asking you to come, but I know money's tight and everything is so much more expensive out there." Oblivious, Jonah answers like he truly doesn't see the issue. He's not the stupid one in the relationship though, how can he pretend like this doesn't go against everything we decided?
"What about the wedding, Jonah? We're getting married." Or so I thought. I say it more plainly now so that it can't be mistaken, and he cocks his head to the side as if finally detecting the off note in my voice.
"I know, and if I win we might have to push the wedding, but that'll just give us more time to plan it." He speaks calmly, but me? I can't decide how I'm feeling, I thought that getting married was something important and sacred—not something that could be pushed aside when it was convenient. I struggle to come to terms that this doesn't mean to him what it does to me, but he's still just as calm. "Don't worry, I meant everything I said about what you mean to me, and I can't wait to marry you. But think of what a huge opportunity this would be for me, how much I could learn! We'll make it work like we always do, I'm sure you and Lilah would have it all figured out for us when I got home."
"Yeah, I know, but," how do I tell him the rest? How am I supposed to ask him to stay when this is something he so obviously wants? How could I ever be so cruel to beg him not to go? How can I tell him I want him to pick me? What good would it do to say anything, when at the end of the day this isn't enough. With so much to overload my sensibilities already, the most vulnerable and honest question tumbles out. "What am I supposed to do without you?"
"You won't be without me, and of course I'd miss you like crazy every single day, but we would talk all the time and we'd video chat before bed. This is a good thing." Who is he to decide that? I fear that any second I'll say too much, or the wrong thing, but before I do Jonah glances at his cellphone that's just started to vibrate. "There's no point in talking about it right now anyway, who knows what'll happen. I better get over to Grace's, and you should really start unpacking. I'll call you later, how about that?"
Jonah thinks the bone he tosses at my feet is some prize, he fails to notice how I'm not jumping for joy when he kisses me quickly and hurries on his way. Meanwhile I still don't know how to feel, I can't blame him for having dreams, and I can't even blame him for wanting more than the simple life he'd inevitably have stuck here with me. Was I seriously stupid enough to believe asking him to marry me would make him stay? Did I think I was owed? I think back to Maddy, about how sometimes there aren't any good choices, and how I still don't know where this anger is supposed to go, but all I know is I'm getting tired of having to take the hurt.
I'm tired of a lot—I'm tired of people looking at me like the has-been with a fucked up knee, I'm tired of all the secrets with my uncle, I'm tired of feeling guilty about Maddy, and I'm tired of feeling like my good is never good enough. Mostly I'm tired of feeling tired, and of this half-life. I had thought this thing with Jonah would change all of that, but to say I'm disappointed wouldn't do me any favors. With nothing left I return to the frat house to follow his orders and unpack my things, but not before I stop to grab a six pack of beer. I drink each one quicker than the last, ripping all my clothes out of the bags just to throw them around.
I end up opening the bottom drawer of my desk to put something away, and I rediscover the journal Lilah had gotten for me. I'd nearly forgotten all about it, despite her repeated attempts to get me to use the damn thing, but I don't even know what I'd write now. My mind's not clear enough, it's plagued with doubt and despair over Jonah, how can he look me in the eye and pretend that things will be better in one week? What happens if he gets that internship and that one week becomes one year?
He's the love of my life and I want to see all the potential in honing that beautiful talent of his, but I would do anything if it meant he wouldn't leave, because for as rational as that part of my brain continues to be I will also always be something else. A coward. I throw the journal angrily across the room where it knocks a bottle seated on my nightstand to the floor with a calamitous thud. The ensuing silence is crippling, and I take another drink of my beer to make it not seem as bad.
"So, I think it's safe to assume that now is a bad time," Devin remarks from over by the door. I have no idea how long he's been standing there, but by the way he sizes me up, I can guess it's long enough to have seen that outburst. "I was going to ask if you thought I should bring protection tonight, but goddamn, what's got you so uptight?"
"I'm just tired." I tell him the truth, the kind he can only begin to fathom.
"Is this about Maddy?" He asks, waiting until I do a doubletake before he frowns disapprovingly. "We're supposed to be best friends, fuck you for not talking to me, asshole. She came by here earlier asking about you."
"What did she say?" I growl, confronted with those ugly things.
"Nothing, she wouldn't talk to me, she hates me. You know that." He answers candidly, perhaps a bit shocked by my ardent reaction. Again I'm stupid for leaping to conclusions, why would I think she gave up just because she stopped trying to call? She's not going to allow me to avoid this forever, and while that was never my intention I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with her hurt when I can't even handle my own. Devin preys on that, "I'm not an idiot, man, I can tell something's up—she had that same look you got right now. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." I can't make it any clearer. He's a good friend and he means well, but what good would it do to unload any of this on him? He wouldn't understand it, and it's just going to kill me that much more to have to go through it all again. He doesn't like my answer, so he stands over there in the brand-new jacket he went out and bought for his date, passing judgement. I don't like being looked down on much either, so I sit straighter in my chair and act like I'm okay, "go get ready for your date, Dev. Don't take protection, that's not what she's after tonight—just go, and charm her."
"Dude, no, I can't leave you like this. If you need me more I can blow her off, it's bros before, well," he shrugs. He's been chasing after her since they met, it was a full-blown miracle when she decided to actually give him a real shot and go out with him. How can he even think about giving that up? "Before women who I adore and respect. The point is you're my brother and I'm here for you."
"I don't want you to do that." As always there's that fine line of pity, but, I don't know, I'm also not in love with the idea of being alone with myself right now.
"Too bad, I've made up my mind. Give me five, I'll be back." Devin takes off his new jacket as he retreats, undoubtedly off to call Grace. Just like with Jonah I can't ask him to give up on something he really wants, but unlike Jonah he's willing to anyway. I'm more important. I still don't know what good it'll do to tell him any of this but it looks like I won't have a choice. I'll have to tell him about Bill—about how I'm afraid this thing with him is serious. I'll have to tell him about Maddy too, and all those ugly things I had forced her to tell me. And then I'll have to tell him about Jonah, and how despite my best attempts to keep him here, I finally have to consider the very real truth that he might leave.