The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Nothing like a little good, old humiliation to bring you back to life—or at least for a short while anyway. As weird as it is, having Jonah's parents and Grace barge in on us is probably the most I've felt of anything in the past couple of weeks, so maybe that's a good thing, even if over an hour later I still haven't quite worked through the embarrassment. Despite being gracious enough to step out into the hall so Jonah and I could fully dress, they insisted on dragging us out to dinner afterwards. I mean we're practically family so it's not a huge deal, but fuck, they caught me at full mast, how else am I supposed to feel as I sit here with them while they hash it out again?
"We're so sorry boys, we should've called ahead, you'd think we'd know better by now. We wanted to surprise you, just not like that." Lilah muses sympathetically. I can still picture her back there in the dorm, letting out a startled squeak before hurrying back out into the hall. Not Jonah's dad though, no, Jason only stood there like the proudest father in the world, hands on his hips as he nodded his fucking head.
"Not me, I'm not sorry. This could've been avoided had you answered your phone any of the five times I tried calling you." Grace chimes in with far less empathy. We already knew she was back in town for the weekend, I guess the rest was simply fate that she decided to visit her best friend before anything else and bumped into Jason and Lilah in the parking lot. She brushes her hair over her shoulder, rubbing it in with a joke, "my mom wanted me all to herself but I told her I had to come see you first. This is the thanks I get? I can't believe you let me go to voicemail, you deserved this."
"Remind me to show you how it feels when you get a boyfriend of your own." The entire table laughs when Jonah sasses her back, except for me. Whatever jolt of feeling their invasion of privacy had provided has puttered out and I'm back to feeling like I'm asleep, or stuck somewhere in the middle in some half-life. Even when Grace isn't here, Jason and Lilah try to drag us out every other weekend like this when they can, but if not for Jonah I probably would have said no to tonight. That's weird too, it's so unlike me to turn down free beer and food, and I catch Lilah watching my reaction very carefully from across the table as she sips at her water.
"Never, you know I'm way too busy to date." The conversation continues when Grace rolls her eyes at Jonah, the rest of them unaware of mine and Lilah's silent exchange. There's more laughter, but I'm not so sure what's funny about it since it's kind of true. Grace doesn't go to our school, she's a Stanford girl, so I imagine she's actually pretty serious when she says she doesn't have the time. Especially considering senior year hasn't been any easier on her from what I hear. They're so much alike in that regard, her and Jonah, taking on way too much until they're overloaded. All that stress hasn't taken away her sense of humor though, "besides, men are a handful. I mean, it definitely looked like you had yours full of Brent."
"Hey, leave me out of it!" I quip, trying to hide behind my beer after I'm thrust back into the limelight. It's probably the first thing I've said all night, and it results in more laughing from everyone but Lilah. She just watches still.
"Might as well get used to it, I'm sure it's not the last time it'll happen. I know it's not the first," Jason winks across the table at me and Jonah. Funny he should mention that, since the last time he caught us getting frisky he nearly choked me half to death. Things were different then, it was years ago, is it fucked up to say it's kind of funny to think about now? We've been super close ever since, he likes having someone to talk to about guy stuff, and Jonah's never been big into sports.
They've found plenty of common ground of their own though, and they take their turn going back and forth at each other. I'm actually relieved now that I can sit back and take a breath without having to worry about anybody looking at me, not even Lilah. It's been a lot of work trying to keep up, but I can at least be happy watching the two of them interact, having this kind of relationship with his father is what Jonah always wanted. It's true that Jason had a minor meltdown when he initially found out that Jonah didn't like girls, but after a while he came around to the idea and has been the best dad anyone could ask for.
I'm glad I get to be a part of that too, in whatever small way, since I'm probably never going to have that with my own dad. Most days I tell myself that I've given up on the idea completely, but every now and then I see these two like this and it kind of makes me miss him. Not all of him, but he wasn't totally bad, and sometimes, in taboo thoughts that are few and far between, I wonder if maybe we could still have something even half as good as this if only he could learn to accept me.
"Brent, honey. Are you feeling okay?" Lilah asks, bringing the entire table's attention back to me after I thought I was in the clear. We're not like the rest of them, she and I, we're different. She got really close to Jonah during the time he had lived with her before, and I know they have their own special thing. Yet Jonah went back to his dad, he didn't need her. But me? She was a mother in search of a son, and I was a son who needed to be loved by somebody. She's really the only mother I've ever known in a lot of ways—we're kindred—and I will always be grateful to her for taking me in after I came out and my dad didn't want me anymore.
"Just enjoying the beer," I deflect her question, holding up the bottle for emphasis. It's not a lie, as much as I love all of them it's rough having to be here right now when I just want to be alone, but drinking helps with that. Through her infinite wisdom she must have her sneaking suspicions, yet she isn't given a chance to voice them.
"I'll drink to that, let me get us another round," Jason agrees, far more oblivious than his better half as he twists in his seat to look for the waiter. After he puts in the order he slides his arm around Lilah's shoulder, "this is a pretty nice place, right? What do you think about having the party here?"
"Party?" Grace raises an eyebrow.
"Our anniversary is coming up in a few months and we're having a little get-together, nothing too fancy. And while this place is charming," Lilah provides Jason with a subtle look, making her preference clear before she focuses on Grace again. "I don't think it's right for us. We're still in the planning phase, but we'd both love to have you there."
"Absolutely, I wouldn't miss it." With an eager smile, Grace agrees. It won't be long until Jason and Lilah will be celebrating three years of being married, and while their marriage hasn't been perfect they've always been the perfect match. For the most part they're the same as before—Jason still serves on city council and has a bunch of opinions on everything, and she's not afraid to call him out on his shit when need be. Lilah still works at the high school, and the only thing really different about her is her name, she's no longer Ms. Montgomery—she's Mrs. Pierson now.
"As long as I don't have to give any more speeches, I'm good." Jonah remarks quietly, recalling the near catastrophe we almost had the day of his parent's wedding. The same as it has been, everyone laughs as the refills arrive, beer for me and Jason and wine for Grace and Jonah. Still water for Lilah though, which Jonah points out with humor, "congrats though. Three years is a long time to be married to my dad, but you might want to order something stronger if you want to make it through three more."
"Smartass." Jason reaches over to thump him on the back of the head.
"Well, since you brought it up, there's actually another reason we wanted to surprise you tonight." The room grows unusually quiet when Lilah spreads a patient glance equally between us, a joyful glow lighting her up when she lays her hand across the table for Jonah. Her lips curl gleefully the second he takes it, and like something she's been waiting to get off of her chest for a while, she tells him all in a single breath, "I'm pregnant. Your father and I are expecting a baby. You're going to be a brother."
"Holy shit. Congratulations?" It might not be the reaction his parents were hoping for, but they're able to laugh about it when Jonah stumbles in grasping the news. That's just family, we all know he's excited for them—he loves Lilah. Same as me, she's been more of a mother to him than his own mom. I'm excited too, I think, I just can't be sure why it doesn't feel quite the same. Maybe it really is because I'm struggling to feel much of anything, or maybe it's that tonight has stretched me too thin, but either way I excuse myself to the bathroom under the guise of taking a piss when they're ready to move on to dessert.
On my way back to the table I stop and watch them from a distance—talking, laughing, having the best time—and I realize how much I don't want to go back over there. I feel guilty thinking like that but I can't stop it, it just seems wrong. I wonder if maybe the real reason I'm struggling is because I don't belong. Lilah and Jason are about to have a kid, and Grace and Jonah have never had more successful futures lined up for them. They're all right where they're supposed to, all bright and colorful, yet here I am with nothing to show but this ugly little puke green knee brace.
My odds of being missed are slim, and it doesn't sit right with me to intrude on their celebration when I have nothing of worth to contribute, so instead I turn back and head outside for some fresh air. I walk just a ways passed the door to one of the benches and take a seat, finding comfort in my solitude as I stare up at the dim shine of the stars. It kind of makes it sadder somehow, like out all the places in the massive universe I could go, I choose to be here. Alone. Or so I think until I hear the unmistakable click of heels on the sidewalk.
"Is this seat taken?" Lilah asks cleverly. It shouldn't come as a shock, I'm not sure why I bother being surprised that she's here now, not when she's been watching me so carefully all night. Even so, she probably would've known to come anyway, that's the kind of person she is.
"I just needed a second."
"That's okay, it was getting a little loud in there." She sits down right at my side, a hand on her stomach while she follows my gaze to look up at the stars. We share a long and quiet moment together, the kind that we're used to, before she speaks again softly. "I'm worried about you, you don't seem like yourself."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to spoil the mood. You don't have to worry about me though, it's just been a long day." Again, I skirt around the truth by deflecting. It's not that I'm afraid to be straight with her necessarily, but now more than ever when she's about to be a mom I think she'd be capable of the kind of pity that would kill me.
"You didn't spoil anything, I'm happy you're here. But I'm not just talking about tonight, Brent, I'm talking about the last month. I'm talking about the accident." Like always she's not afraid of diving headfirst into the hard conversations, but I'm not so sure what to say. Turns out that's the problem. "I understand why you don't want to talk about it, but there comes a point where you have to deal with it."
"I am, I've accepted it, I don't know what else you expect me to do. It's not like I can change anything." I say.
"Maybe not, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier, does it?" Her eyes leave the stars in favor of my face, and she smiles warmly. "You know, there's nothing wrong with being angry about what happened. Feeling our feelings, grieving, is how we start to let go."
"I'm not angry, things just aren't the same." It's hard to explain. I guess maybe I was mad when all of this first happened because there were definitely days I wanted to lock myself in my room and break shit, but I worked through all of that. I deserve some credit, does she think it was easy trying to pick up whatever pieces were left to try and build something new? It might not be what I wanted, or expected, but I finally glance at her so that she'll understand it too. "Everything's changed."
"Not everything, you still get to be Brent." She says wisely, her free hand touching my knee. "You've got your entire life ahead of you, this one thing doesn't define who you are. I know you miss football, and I know how much playing meant to you, but you are capable of so much."
"The problem is I'm not really good at anything." Taking a look into my future, I'd guess it's pretty likely that I'll be stuck working for Bill the rest of my life. It was probably always like that before I busted my knee anyway, but at least before that I could kid myself into thinking I had any options.
"We both know that's not true." Lilah came prepared—to this dinner, for this conversation. Having lived with her for a while, she knows parts of me that I'd be embarrassed to show anyone else, so when she reaches into her purse to retrieve the leather bound journal she brought I turn red. She hands it to me, "I got this for you, I thought since you don't want to talk then maybe you could write. You can jot down your feelings, or whatever you feel like—your poetry is still the best I've ever read. You're wrong about yourself, honey, you have no idea how special you are."
"I don't really know about all that, but thank you for doing this for me." I take the journal from her, clearing my throat. If nothing else I'm aware of how she much rather prefers being out here with me than inside, being celebrated for her awesome news. Even when she can't solve all my problems, there's something about her that just makes me feel better, and I wonder if that's just what it feels like having a mom. I'm glad she'll finally get the chance for real, I know it's really all she's ever wanted. For all her efforts I reward her with a smile, "I hope you know I really am happy for you."
"Come on, they'll probably be wondering where we went. Let's get inside," she stands, saying nothing else about it as she reaches out for me. I take hold of her hand and escort her back inside, her words continuing to play at the back of my mind. What about me is so special? I'm so dumb that I'm probably about to get kicked out of college, and my greatest strengths seem to be that I have muscles and people generally find me attractive. Those are the qualifications for a good stripper, but somehow I don't think she would approve.
When we get back to the table I try to make more of an effort, smiling and engaging so that Lilah can enjoy her evening without having to worry about anything else. That doesn't stop me from struggling the same as before as I search for where I fit in here with them now, but then Jonah breaks mid-conversation with Grace to peek over at me. He almost seems to come alive when I look at him, and my heart completely stops from his beautiful expression. I may be a functional idiot, but looking at him I find that I've had the answer the whole time, that maybe it's loving him that makes me special. And, man, believe me, I do love him.