The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

Another week really doesn't make anything easier. Bill's still dying, Maddy's somewhere in the wind probably plotting her revenge, and Jonah still won't return any of my texts. I've decided I won't send him anymore, the best thing I can give him right now, I'm finally realizing, is space. I think that will be good for me too in a lot of ways, as much as I hate every minute of this I can't deny that it's given me time to really think about things. I'm pretty sure I'm starting to figure out what Lilah meant when she said my intentions don't account for much, it's mostly what Jonah had been trying to say too right before we broke up. I did a lot of damage thinking I was helping, I honestly don't know how I didn't see that sooner.
I guess I was just lying to myself too, but as humiliating and difficult as it is to fess up to all of it, I do feel better now that I'm trying to live in my truth. Everything still sucks major ass, believe me, but I don't know how to explain it, I feel lighter somehow, I don't constantly feel sick. That's got to be worth it, and I can see that the road ahead is going to be long, but for the first time in what seems like a genuine eternity, I feel the most like myself again. In no small part, I owe it to the few people who refuse to give up on me, especially Lilah.
"Here's a list of meetings I found in the area that I thought might be good for you. Just let me know if you want to try any of them." She lays her phone down on the table so that I can take a look before signaling the waiter over. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but if I'd even suspected that facing the unknown would be this embarrassing I would've kept right on drinking. Seriously, this is the kind of shit I would've beat guys up for before, but now I have to go stand up in a room full of strangers and talk about all my dark places? It's so emasculating.
"Do I really have a choice?" I mumble absently. It's what's right, I know that, it's my fault that things have gotten to this point and I don't want to be my dad, so yeah, I'll go. This past week working next to him without Bill has been tough, he's been even more mean and spiteful than usual, but part of me has to wonder if it's because he's in a dark place too now that his brother is about to die. Thank god it's finally the weekend so I can have a break from him.
"You don't have to do anything you're not ready for," she tells me, polite enough to pretend there are still any options left. Her optimism remains as strong as ever though, and she smiles across the table before noticing the bowl of ice cream I've left practically untouched. "Are you going to finish that?"
"All the time in the world couldn't make me ready for this, but I've got to do it. Besides, I owe it to Jonah." I slide the disgusting dessert across to her so she can finish it. Pregnancy has given her some pretty wild cravings, but there's no excuse for whatever abominable flavor is in that bowl. Which is ironic coming from me, seeing as I don't have any excuses for how abominable I've been either. She takes a small bite as she watches me carefully, debating on how to handle such a delicate topic.
"Do you? I understand that you feel bad and you just want to do something to make it right, but that's not why you should want to do this." Lilah replies, slowly, her empathetic look turning into the smallest smile. "You love him, I know that doesn't just go away, but if all you're looking to do is make yourself into what you think he wants then this is never going to work. It hasn't yet. The only person you owe this to is yourself, it's time you stop trying to be what you think everyone wants and just be you."
"But what if that's not enough?" Humiliating or not, she and I have already come this far together, and I owe her too much to sugarcoat it now. I get this strange pinching in my chest when I ask it aloud, but I force myself to be painfully honest. "I mean, what if I'm not enough?"
"Is that what you believe?" Taking another bite of her ice cream, she eyes me intently.
"I don't know." Again, it's the most honest answer I can give. Not that long ago I would have told her yes, that I was nothing more than a piece of garbage, and part of me still feels that way. But she's been here, and Devin and Bill, and there's something new in me that I hadn't had before—that I haven't had in a while. Hope. "Everything that went down, it's so messed up. You said yourself the reasons don't matter, so it's just on me. What kind of person would do what I did?"
"Someone in a lot of pain." Her empathy continues. "That doesn't excuse what happened, which is why I said you do have to take responsibility for your actions, yes, but you don't have to keep beating yourself up. Because the truth is, you did the best with what you had."
"How can you even say that?" The thought's astounding. "You were right about everything, about how I've just been running from my shit instead of having the courage to deal with it head on. I should've known better."
"Better than what, exactly?" An entire minute passes after she challenges me, but I'm not sure what she wants me to say. When that becomes clear to her she goes quiet, a frightening cloud forming over her as she reveals her own dark place. "I come from a damaged home too, I don't like talking about it much, but from what you've told me it doesn't sound all that different from yours. I carried a lot of that into my first marriage too, and looking back there are things I definitely think I would've done differently—things I wish I'd said, or didn't say."
"I never knew that about you." There's no higher standing for her in my eyes, yet I'm still in awe. I never would've guessed, not in a million years, so much so that I wonder if maybe she's just saying it to try and relate. Yet I know she wouldn't do that, she's not a liar like I am, and if she could come from anything broken and turn out like this, I wonder what might still become of me yet.
"I'd like to think it's behind me, but my point is our past—whatever we've done—doesn't define us." All those old ghosts must not haunt her like they do me, because she seems so at peace with it. I want more than anything to get there too but I don't know how, so I hang on to every word she says. "You know, you remind me more of myself than anyone I've ever met, so trust me when I say that all you can ever do, Brent, is your best. It may not be pretty, and it may be flawed, but you take whatever lesson you need from it and leave the rest behind. You could not have known better, let's be very clear about that, and hating yourself for being human is only going to keep you from becoming the person you're meant to be."
"That's my problem, I don't even know what that looks like." How I wish I was anything like her, she's probably the best person in the entire universe. But I'm not like her, I'm just this, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to try.
"I think you do, and I think the reason you spend so much time trying to take care of everyone else is so you can avoid doing the tough work on yourself." Lilah calls me out. "I know some of the things your dad has said to you—things you've really taken to heart—so let me set the record straight. You have so much worth, and I've been so proud to watch you grow into this kind, generous, and selfless young man. Maybe you can't see it now, but you could search the whole world and never find anyone more deserving of love than you."
"And I guess it all starts with this," I look away, grateful for the excuse as I glance down at her phone, still resting on the table with the list of meetings pulled up.
"This is just something to help you get there," she leans forward, compelling me to meet her gaze again. When I do she smiles gently, "like I said, you don't have to do this, I'm not trying to force you into anything. All I want is for you to be happy, and safe, and to see yourself like I do. This isn't about me though, so I guess the real question is, what do you want?"
"I want to change." It's all I say, and it's enough. Without an explanation she can infer all that I mean—I don't want to be something I'm not. I just want to turn back the clock, to revert, to change back into who I had been before the breakup and before Maddy and before this knee injury. That guy had been so fun, he'd had so much confidence and didn't have to worry about being loved or worthwhile. I want to go back to being him, to become again, and if I take into account what everyone keeps saying, that it wasn't Jonah or anything else that made me into that, I think maybe I can get there again.
"So change." Lilah remarks, so certain. We've already talked about it all before, I know I'm not supposed to see my dad again outside of work, or beg for Jonah's forgiveness. I know I'm supposed to confront this mess with Maddy and go to AA, but baby steps have always been easiest for me, so I'm grateful for Lilah's understanding and patience while I work up to it. We hang out for a little while longer at the diner—long enough so she can order a second bowl of that disgusting ice cream—until I eventually get a text from Devin. It's a warning that I've got a visitor waiting back at the frat house, and as much as I don't feel ready to deal with this either, I have Lilah take me back home anyway.
It could be worse, there are far less forgiving people to be ambushed by, but of all the familiar faces that keep moving through my life, Grace's had been the last one I'd expected to see today. Or anytime soon. Even though I can't be sure, I've already got a feeling of how this thing is going to turn out, but I keep Lilah's wisdom close to my chest as I lead Jonah's best friend upstairs for some privacy—I don't feel like getting my ass handed to me in front of all the guys today.
"I thought I'd come by and bring you this," Grace waits until even Devin has given into the need for privacy and scampered off before offering up the plastic bag she's been carrying. "It's the rest of your stuff from the dorm."
"Thanks," I take it from her, not pointing out how she completely avoids mentioning Jonah's name. That's not lost on me, none of it is, so I take a deep breath before I face her and force myself to be the bigger person. "Lilah could've brought this over anytime, why are you really here?"
"Jonah says you've been calling him," she rewards my directness with her own. Grace crosses her arms, digging her heels into place as she rises to become his champion. Still, it takes her long enough to continue, "he's not in a good place, he hasn't been since, you know. I've never seen him like this—ever—and I've known him since before I can remember."
"And you came all the way over here to tell me to stay away? Don't worry, I won't call him again." There's no need to be such a jerk to her, but it comes out that way regardless, something her expression makes clear note of.
"Actually," her sassier side emerges, "I came to say I know it was bad, so I thought I'd check on you before I went back to school."
"Me? Why?" Whatever aggravation seeing her had immediately caused goes away, and I stare at her blankly in an effort to figure her out. They're inseparable, she would literally kill for him, and it wouldn't be the first time she and I were at odds. For a long moment she just stares at me, obviously annoyed, but then she lets it go and shakes her head, demonstrating her own empathy.
"Because I'm your friend too." It comes out quietly, almost like it's a betrayal, like she's ashamed to admit it. What I quickly realize though, is that she's actually ashamed of what she says next. "And because it also kind of reminds me of being back in high school, when you two started dating and there were all those secrets. I remember how much it hurt feeling like I was losing him, and it made me act really crazy, to the point I ended up betraying his trust."
"What I did, it's not the same." I can appreciate her attempt to sympathize with what I've done, but I need her to know I'm taking responsibility, she's his eyes and ears here.
"It's not, no, and I'm not okay with what happened either, but I get what it feels like to be at that place. I really do. I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand why you did it, because Jonah, he's," she stops, lost at how to describe the indescribable. Then she exhales, "he's a lot to lose. I wanted to make sure everything's okay with you, and to see how you were handling all this."
"No, it's good," I mutter, "I think I'm going to start going to these stupid AA meetings. You can tell him that if you want."
"I really don't want to get in the middle of it, but I'm happy for you." Grace makes her position clear. "I hope you meant what you said about not calling him again, and not just for his sake. I think if you're really serious about getting better it has to be for you—not him."
"It is."
"Then, I am glad. Listen, I've got to get going, but call me if you need to talk. I'll text you tomorrow to see how it's going." Her sigh of relief seems genuine, as does the awkward hug she pulls me into. She hasn't been a bad friend by any means, it's only strange because we've never really been on such affectionate terms. I guess it's true that she understands where I'm at so well though, it must hit her hard, so I endure the embrace by patting her on the back before she offers a brief smile and turns towards the stairs.
"Hey, Grace. Can I ask you something before you go?" Maybe it would be better to end things here, but I ride the empathy train just a bit longer as I call out to stop her. She looks my way again with a quizzical and weary expression, probably worried about what I might ask, but she relents with a nod of her head. I have so many questions that I know she must have the answer to, but I respect her wishes to leave her out of it and only focus on what I absolutely need to know. There's one thing that springs to the front of my mind, though I'm not sure I'd like the answer, no matter what, "is he going to be alright?"
"Yes." It's a simple response, one she delivers with a poker face to no doubt avoid suspicion. As expected, I'm not entirely sure how to feel about that right now, but instead of dwelling I dive into my one, last question.
"Do you," I struggle with it, afraid of what she might say. "Do you think I'm a bad person?"
"No." This time she smiles when she replies, lingering for only a second more before disappearing down the stairs to say goodbye to Devin. I'm more relieved than I had anticipated, even more so to find yet another, and admittedly unexpected, ally in Grace. Lilah was right when she said that my dad has said some pretty nasty shit to me, but no worse than I've said about myself. I don't know when I started believing all of it, and to be absolutely honest I'm still not sure how to stop, but if I have all these people rooting for me, even after they've seen me at my worst, I start to think that maybe getting better won't be so impossible after all.