The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 35: Chapter 35

Love endures all things. Pretty simple, right? Nothing's changed, I haven't quit loving Jonah, but for the most part I'm trying to be happy and supportive of him. More than a month now since we broke up and he's doing his best to move on, to find something better. I'm not saying that out of pity either, given that same time I'm more ashamed than ever to look at what happened, at all the open and ugly wounds I've been letting fester, and what they built up to. Maybe Lilah was right, maybe there was no way I could've known better—it's not like I've had a lot of great role models to teach me how to handle stuff in a healthy way. My uncle was great for all his influence, but mostly I had my dad, who has been more mean and lubricated now that Bill's in hospice.
I'm not using my shitty upbringing to justify what happened, because no matter what else, I do know better now. I stuck my hand in the fire and got burned, I've got the scars to prove it, but like everyone keeps trying to tell me it did teach me something. I am a good man. Or I was, I don't know, I guess things got kind of muddled there in the middle, but I can be good again. I can be better. I just hate that it took losing Jonah to make me wake up, and while there's nothing I can do about that now, I can still hope for all the best things for him.
He posted some pictures this morning of him and Grace on spring break, apparently they flew out to New York to see Bram. Jonah looks so happy in them, he reminds me more of the man I fell in love with now than he has the past year. I think maybe I had become toxic for him and that's almost enough to destroy me, but I'm only looking forward because I'm learning that I can't change the past no matter how much I want it. And still, love endures. I'm sure I'll carry this love around until the day I die and I'm okay with that, it's made me a better person, I am forever changed because of it, and it's changing me still.
I had said once that I wanted nothing more than to be worthy of his love, and even if we can't be together, even when he's moving on, the principle is still important. It'll be a reminder, something to hold me accountable for years to come. He might never want me like that again, or maybe one day, years from now even, I might get a call or a knock on my door. Doesn't matter what happens, all that matters is I have to strive hard to be the best version of myself, to reignite all my passions and find my purpose. I guess Lilah was right about that too, when she said I owed that to myself.
I wish I could say it's been easy, but the truth is it's been brutal. Admitting that I was the one who destroyed everything I held dear was rough, but starting AA and having to confide all of it in complete strangers was rougher. Worst of all has been doing it while watching my uncle die. He's been so brave through everything, even when his body shriveled up into nothing and he had to go into palliative care. You know what else I learned though? Cancer doesn't give a fuck about courage.
It may have started out rough, but I'm big enough to admit how much AA has been helping. Never mind that it keeps me from drowning every, last rotten feeling in a drink, it's just been a good place to talk about all the things that make me want to drink in the first place. I don't have to feel embarrassed, or worried that anyone will judge me, because I realized pretty quick that each one of them is fucked up too. As dorky as it is, I've been anxious all day for the meeting later, because even though I'm mostly okay with it, I wouldn't mind talking about how seeing those pictures of Jonah this morning made me feel.
No matter how far I come, I don't think that will never not hurt. To make sure I don't forget any of it, I've been writing down every thought in my journal for the past twenty minutes. It's not the same one Lilah got me, I used up all those pages already. Writing has also been a good release for me this last month or so, and while that feels kind of unmanly too, I have this new resolution to stop holding myself to these seriously messed up standards and just do what feels good. It's been working out great so far, but when I glance at my phone I realize I'm out of time, and I have to put my journal away.
There'll be ample opportunity to process all this later, but before that, before AA, I have something else to do. These meetings aren't just all about venting my feelings, they're designed to help mold me back into a respectable person or some shit. That's where the twelve steps of recovery come into play, and while I can fully own that I did a lot of damage, I'm not really sure I'm ready to face all of those demons. But I have to, and maybe it's from AA, or watching Bill, or maybe it's just from my own experience, but either way I'm learning something about having my own kind of courage.
That's weird for someone who's always been a coward, but that's done now, and I'm finally ready to face the unknown for real. All of it. Some reparations are harder than others—Bill was easy, and Lilah and Devin. I'm still not sure how to face Jonah yet without it seeming like I'm only trying to win him back, but as I enter the campus library I think that maybe this will be good practice. Not that this is any less important when, in some ways, this might be the greatest hurt I'm responsible for. Against all her wisest instincts, I'll never know how Maddy can continue to be so forgiving.
"Thanks for meeting me," I start slowly when I sit across from my worn and exhausted ex-girlfriend, the way I have so many times before. I'm not the only one with no place to go on spring break, her parents not wanting her is just the cherry on top of the wreck that is her life.
"I'm not staying, the only reason I showed up is because you wouldn't quit texting me. I don't have anything to say to you." Her statement comes out sharp, and anyone else might say she's being a bitch. She as much as anyone has the right to hate my guts, but it's not the justification that sharpens her words. It's the hurt, "do me a favor and just leave me alone, I'm not interested in being your only friend now that you've managed to chase everyone else away. You know, after they saw what a pathetic, drunk loser you really are."
"I deserve that." With a heavy sigh I try to say what she needs to hear, but it's so much harder than it's supposed to be, so instead I do what I can to work up to it while she eyes me cautiously. I give it a long minute, "god knows I deserve that and so much more. I think about it you know—not just that night—I think about what we were like in high school and all the love you gave me that I just threw away. I guess I didn't realize what it really meant to you, and after everything that happened, that must have felt like an awful betrayal."
"How many times do I have to tell you I don't want your pity?" She mutters quietly, looking down at the floor.
"No, it's not pity, it's," I scoff, trying to understand it myself, "my respect, I guess. Now I understand what that feels like, and I wouldn't want it for anybody, least of all you. I wasn't careful with your feelings, I was selfish, and when you gave me a second chance I just fucked it up again."
"So, what, is this like an apology?" Maddy remains skeptical, weary to trust no matter how forgiving she may be. Yet she's had her own time, and she's always been smarter than I am, so I believe with all my heart that she just wants this to be done too.
"Yes, it is." Things got so mixed up between us and I spent too long trying to figure out how everything could've went so wrong. What could I expect from such a volatile situation though, who am I kidding? I'm more than responsible to her, I'm responsible for her, so I finally say the one thing I've never told her before. "I'm sorry, Maddy, and not just for letting things get so out of hand before. I'm sorry that I cheated on you, I'm sorry that I broke your heart, and I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to talk to you honestly about what I was going through. I'm sorry for all of it, and I just hope you realize you're worth more than how I've treated you."
"You said some pretty mean stuff, I can't snap my fingers and get over it because you've all of a sudden decided to be sorry. It takes time, Brent." Though still angry, she at least meets me halfway with a compromise.
"I'm finally starting to figure that out, but I got nothing but time." I watch her as she continues to struggle, so I give her more. "I know I shouldn't have said any of that to you, but I got scared. Really scared. I thought things were going so good for us and then that kiss happened and everything just got complicated."
"Complicated," she chuckles darkly, more upset at first that I would dare water down the convoluted history between us into something so simple. But then she rethinks it before bringing her eyes up to meet mine. "I'm not still in love with you, if that's what you're thinking. You weren't totally wrong, I'm not innocent here, I did some things I'm not proud of either, but I don't want you back—not like that."
"But you said—"
"I know what I said, okay? I'll admit that maybe I had some unresolved feelings that I thought I'd worked through, but then you kissed me and, yeah, everything got complicated. It brought back a lot of that for me, but I've been able to clear my head since then and really think it through." Maddy vents, sucking all the poison out of the wound. I can almost see her becoming lighter, "and you know what I realized? I think we were stupid to think we could just be friends after everything."
"I don't believe that. And I don't expect you to just forgive me, but you've really helped me since we started hanging out again—and not just with my classes. I really am sorry, I don't want to lose our friendship."
"You're not listening, numbskull." Her face softens when she leans in closer. "What I meant to say is we were dumb for thinking that it would be easy. I do forgive you, I'm not even all that mad about it, I'm just tired of us hurting each other like this."
"So what does that mean?" I ask, hopeful that maybe I've gained another powerful ally.
"You've helped me a lot too." It's quiet, and it comes out in pieces, but she makes the confession anyway. "But I do think we should take some time. I will always root for you, but it'll be, like, from afar. For a while. Just until things settle down."
"I can respect that." While it's not the perfect, storybook ending I'd dreamed for our friendship, I really do respect her decision. It's mature, wise like she is, the same kind of wise I'm trying to be with Jonah. It's still a little sad though, so I try to keep the conversation light with a joke, "I'm so used to seeing you every day, it's going to be weird. I should probably also apologize for never finding you a boyfriend."
"That? Oh, don't worry about it, a friend actually gave me some pretty good advice, so I think I'm going to take a break from dating. I signed up for ballet instead." Through the heavy and pendulous rainclouds comes the sun when Maddy finally smiles back at me, all set on her new path to reclaim what she lost. We've always been a lot alike, and this past year has been no exception, so I'm glad to see her finding her way. Even more so to think I had any hand in it. After another minute she stands up, "speaking of which, I've got to get going—I don't want to be late."
"Me either, I should probably head out too. I got AA soon," we're both taking back our power, and when I mention AA she lights up for a moment.
"That must've took a lot of guts. I'm proud of you." It's her final sentiment before she starts to go on a high note, but then she thinks of one last thing as an afterthought. She faces me again. "For what it's worth I'm sorry too, about unloading on Jonah like that. Just so you know, we didn't actually do anything that night besides talk. You never cheated on him, you can tell him that if it makes a difference."
"Thank you, Maddy." Would it matter? Who knows if it's even the truth, at this point I think she would say anything to help alleviate my guilt—the same as she always has. Even if it were true though, I understand now that what may or may not have happened between us was only one step towards the inevitable implosion of mine and Jonah's relationship. Regardless, lie or not, it still means a lot that she tried. I don't know what the future looks like for Maddy and me now, but I have hope, and it seems like maybe she does too when she steps forward to kiss my cheek gently.
It's as good as a goodbye, and I watch her leave without another word. I get a text from Jason that he's on his way to pick me up, so I wander back home to get ready as I consider my own future. I've admitted I was out of control; I've accepted I need help and chose recovery. I'm working on letting go of all the hurt, and making these amends has been so important for that. But where do I go after? It remains a scary thought, but I'm ready to face that too, and when I stop to think about everything I'm still capable of I find that my future, no matter who it's with, can really be anything I want it to be.