The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 40: Chapter 40

The road's been so fucking long, and there definitely were times where I wasn't sure I'd make it. Times where I had my doubts, or a hell of a lot of questions, but I try to keep in mind all the wisdom I've gotten from so many surprising places. I think about my uncle, about how he told me that every last thing I'd gone through this last year has been part of a bigger journey. I'd never want to live through this kind of heartache again, but I don't know, part of me has to wonder where I'd be if I hadn't been tested. Would I have ever found out that I'm dyslexic, or found the kind of strength it took to finally stand up to my dad?
I've learned so many important lessons about being honest—even when it's hard—and what it actually means to be a man from watching all the best men in my life, like Bill and Devin and Jason and Jonah. I learned that it's okay to cry, and that I don't have to be responsible for holding up the weight of the word. I also learned a thing or two about being brave, and so it seems, maybe for the first time in my life, that I won't ever be able to call myself a coward again. Although, if I'm being honest, I'm fighting like hell to calm my nerves as I stand out here in the fresh air, preparing for the next and probably biggest step in my journey.
"See? I told you we'd find him out here, why don't you ever listen to me—I'm clearly more intelligent than you." Maddy chides as she comes into view, but even if I didn't already see that she was talking to Devin I could've easily guessed from the grumbling that follows. She's at her best, all made up and rocking a designer dress I still know she can't afford.
"Listen, we've talked about this, if you don't want me to mess up that pretty white girl hair I'm going to need you to not talk to my boyfriend like that." Grace defends her newly minted beau, looking to Devin sympathetically. It's been quite the ordeal for them too, good on my clueless best friend for never being able to take a hint. How she went from saying she had no interest in dating at the start of the year, to dating someone who's her complete opposite is beyond me. They look happy though, they have since they made their relationship official right after graduation. Grace sizes me up, "what are you doing out here anyway?"
"Dude, you do realize you've only got like twenty minutes, right?" Devin checks his watch. It's almost weird seeing him so dressed up and well-kempt, but he cleans up nice. Grace doesn't look too shabby on his arm either.
"I was just taking a second," I smile. "Where's Jonah?"
"How the fuck should I know? I'm the best man, my only job is to keep track of you so you don't run off. I think he was talking to that guy from New York, what's his name, Queen Abraham or some shit."
"He's probably telling Bram all about your guys' honeymoon," Grace interjects, teasing. What an incredible day this is, and while I might not want to live through this kind of heartache again I'd absolutely do it if it meant I still got to marry the love of my life at the end of it. We've been planning this day so carefully for months, it's so surreal now that it's here, but as nervous as I continue to be I can't deny that I'm also excited to walk down that aisle with him.
"Lucky, I'd kill for a vacation right now." My best friend whines. "I've been so stressed preparing for this stupid interview all week, no one prepared me to be an actual adult. This is insane, I'm about to have my first real life job!"
"Hi, hey, remember me? Yeah, so, today isn't really about you so why don't you go ahead and stop talking? That'd be great, thanks." Maddy sasses him, evidently unafraid of Grace even as she leers at her. I just chuckle, they're all so amazing, but I get what Devin's saying, I'm about to be married and we're both about to start careers. When I get back from the honeymoon Lilah has an interview lined up for me to write a sports column for a local publication, and while it's the best of both my worlds, it scares the hell out of me too. We've all got ambitions though, Grace is off to grad school and Maddy, well. She flicks her hand at the both of them. "Go away now, I'll bring the groom—or, well, at least one of them—in a bit."
"Fine, but I'm only going because I want to." With a scowl, Devin relents. Before he goes he gives me that big, stupid grin of his. "I'm so happy for you, bro, seriously. I'm glad it all worked out. Don't forget, twenty minutes, okay?"
"My god, I thought he'd never leave," when we're alone, Maddy lets out a breath, glancing back to make sure Devin and Grace are truly gone. Then she reaches over to straighten out my tie, "honestly, you would've been better off asking me to be the best woman."
"Best woman?" I watch her, grinning. "I like the sound of that, I haven't been able to decide if this would be too weird for you. I'm glad you came."
"I am too. I mean it." It's all she says, stepping back. What she and I went through, that's been a journey all its own, but I feel like we've reached the end of that too. I had wondered before if there could ever be anything between us other than our history, and now I know that there can be. Her being here like this, after everything, proves it. "Besides, someone has to save you from that Neanderthal you call a best friend. I'd like to apologize for him, by the way, I made the terrible decision to ask him where you were so really this is on me. Someone dropped off this weird painting a little while ago, I wasn't sure what to do with it."
"A painting?"
"That's what it looks like, I don't know, I figured it might make sense to you. It's probably supposed to be a gift, but it's literally the ugliest effing thing I've ever seen, who would want a Jesus themed sports painting?" Her rationale is solid, but hearing that just makes me smile more. I think again about my uncle, about his garage and an office that no longer looks the same. About the two pictures that hung on the wall next to one of his most prized possessions.
"I'll take care of it, no worries. We better get inside before they send someone else."
"Good thinking, if I can pry Bram away from Jonah long enough, I have some questions I want to ask him about New York—I'm kind of nervous about going out there." She falls in line at my side as we go start back towards the venue. Turns out those dreams she had given up on aren't so hopeless after all, she's been doing so well in the ballet class she enrolled in that she managed to dance her way into an awesome program out there in the big city. Nobody deserves it more, it'll be odd to say goodbye to her when it feels like I've only just got her back, but I'm excited for her.
"We both know you're going to be great," I hold the door open.
"Duh, but more importantly, so will you." Maddy beckons to the other set of large doors at the end of the foyer. They're closed, and on the other side waits the rest of my life. It won't be long now. She watches me for a moment longer before pushing herself up on her tiptoes to hug me, holding the embrace until the finality kicks in. "Maybe I'll text you when you get back from your honeymoon?"
All I give her is another smile—I'm full of them today. She returns the gesture and then heads for the doors, going to find her place. I turn to look back outside, remembering when all she had for me was hate. She actually taught me something too, about how to take responsibility for all the worst shit that I've done. That can seem impossible sometimes, but I know now that it doesn't have to mean I'm a bad person, not as long as I'm willing to grow from it. That's not always easy either, but it's so much better than just being the kind of person who's okay with sending my own hurt back out into the world.
That leads my mind to my dad, and I start to ask myself how the painting got here. What could possibly be different for him now? The last I saw him was that day I left Bill's side, which seems like an eternity ago, I'm sure he must still be holding a grudge. Not me though, I'm so far passed that. I don't feel like I'm asleep, or stuck in a half-life anymore. I'm back to being the best version of me—a better version, even. Maybe it did take getting sober and going through what I did, but today I can't be anything but happy. You know what they say, right? About those who wait?
"Everyone's already inside." Jason breaks me from my thoughts, having somehow managed to sneak up while I was distracted. There's no point in trying to play it off, I can tell just how busted I am when I look at him. He's already guessed what I was thinking. "Nobody else is coming."
"That's fine with me, everybody I want is already here." What I give him is the truth. I haven't forgotten the warning he'd given me all those months ago, about guarding my heart, about not holding my breath for my dad to come around. And I'm not, as much as being done with it relieves me, and as sad as I can't help that it'll always be, I've made my peace with it. Obviously he believes that well enough as he plants his hand firmly on my shoulder.
"That makes me so glad to hear, Brent. I know how much you wished your uncle could've been here, god rest his soul, but even though he's gone I hope you still realize how much family you have left." Today must be so emotional for him, to watch his only son get married. Looking at him right in front of me though, I see that all that's in his heart isn't just reserved for Jonah. "You'll always have a home with us, and despite this whole thing with your father, no matter what else, I'll always be your dad too."
His hand shakes where it still grips me tightly, but despite the sentimentality that takes him over he doesn't look away. What an incredible love he has helped me to see. Him and Lilah and Jonah, and even my friends waiting for me in the other room. When Bill died I wept, and even when I knew better there was still that part of me that remained that felt like I had maybe lost the last of my family. But that's not true, because another thing I learned is that, sometimes, and even in the strangest places, we have to make our own families. That's what I've done, and I'm surrounded by the type of people who offer that same kind of profound love I too am capable of.
"Jason? Do you mind giving me a hand with the baby?" Lilah appears then, having clearly just finished feeding her newborn son. Jason goes to her with nothing else to say to me, which is okay, when we've said all that we needed in as few words as possible—the way he and I always do. I take the reprieve to wipe my eyes while she passes off their son, giving him over to her husband. Seems like all of us had our own journeys to see out, and she rose to hers without any challenge, I was pleased that the delivery went so well for her. She smiles affectionately at the two of them, "why don't you go get settled? I'll be right there."
Motherhood suits her. But then, it always has. I've loved getting to see her with the baby, her and Jonah both, he's been such an awesome big brother already. Me, well, I get stupid nervous when they force me to hold him, but even though I won't admit it I've kind of gotten to the point where I like feeling like a big brother too. She turns that affectionate smile on me next.
"Did I tell you just what an amazing job you did planning this whole thing?" I tell her, openly accepting the hand she slides into mine. "It sounds super cheesy to say, but it's like one of those weddings you'd see on TV or something. Thanks for making it special, we owe you. For a lot, actually."
"Do you want to know a secret? I never stopped planning it." Lilah reveals, laughing giddily when I exclaim. I'm not sure why that should come as a surprise to me, but it does. She sighs contentedly, "I always knew we'd get here, you don't know how happy this makes me. I've always been so proud of you—always—but this? This is everything I wanted for you, honey. Congratulations, you deserve it."
"You know I couldn't have done any of it without you." Again, it's only the truth—it's what I try to stick to these days. Like family, I've come to realize that love doesn't always look the way it's supposed to either, in any form. Like how maybe even when Bill had his own thoughts and opinions on things he still wanted the best for me, and that's okay. Or how Lilah could find the same kind of love for me as a child she gave birth to. Love works mysteriously sometimes, something I'm well aware of as I stare back at her, telling her softly, "I couldn't have asked for a better mom."
"My sweet boy," she tears up, kissing my forehead sweetly as she has before. We stand there in our familiar kind of quiet as we run out the time, right up until we hear a door open someplace out of sight. This is it, the moment I've been waiting for all my life, and hand in hand we watch as Jonah comes into the foyer, looking so much better in that stiff tie than I could ever hope to. Lilah squeezes my hand before letting go, then she too goes to join the rest of our family, and our friends, in the next room. Before she disappears she offers one last quip, "I'll see you boys in there, don't take too long."
When she's gone Jonah and I are alone. In five minutes we'll be walking down the aisle together. In half an hour we'll say our vows, and then he won't just be my fiancé. He'll be my husband. Everything's about to change, but like always some things have to. And this is something I really want to. That doesn't stop my heart from practically beating out of my chest as he comes to me though.
"We don't have to go through with this, there's still time. We could sneak out of here, change our names, flee the country. Isn't that what people usually do in these situations?" My soon-to-be husband jokes, touching my waist slightly.
"No way, I'm going to marry the fuck out of you." I pull him closer aggressively, a consequence of his getting too close. Some things have to change, but others? They'll always stay the same, and I will never love anything more than Jonah. It feels good to feel worthy of his love too, but mostly, it's good to feel worthy of my own, and I think that going through all that we did helped me to really understand just what loving him means. I'll never take it for granted again. "Plus you look incredibly sexy all dressed up like that, it'd be a shame to waste it."
"Me? I was legit just thinking how I can't wait to tear those clothes off you, I'm dead serious." Jonah remarks, deadpan.
"There's a thought, too bad Lilah said we don't have much time."
"I'm not saying you're wrong, but if you think about it this is really our wedding, so technically we can do whatever we want." He grins wildly, his dimples showing. "But one of them would probably come looking for us, and with our track record you know they'd find us. I guess it won't kill me to wait, seeing as we'll have all the time in the world after today."
"Well let's not rush through it too fast," I steal a final kiss before we're married, "I want today to be perfect for you."
"Of course it will." He tells me. "Today's the best day of my life."
"Mine too. I love you, Jonah."
"I love you, Brent." He puts his arm in mine, ready to face the unknown. Before I let go of it completely I consider again all the things this last year has taught me, about family, and responsibility, and self-worth. I'd spent so long terrified that any value I had could only be measured in what I gave back to those around me—that the only way they'd love me is if I was the best athlete, or if I was perfect, and could solve all their problems. That was so many years of trauma speaking though and I didn't even know it, and it really took finding the courage and all that faith in myself to face that trauma and ask the hardest questions that I never thought I could.
Some things never change, and maybe I'll have to work on it for every last day I have here in this world, but I won't do it alone. I'll have a whole army of people who love me, and I'll have Jonah, and all I know is that I'll spend every minute from this point on being a good husband, and brother, and son. I'll be good to myself too. The journey may have been long but now I know who I am, and arm in arm with Jonah we brace as the large doors open and we step through, ready to take this leap together.