The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 7: Chapter 7

Monday's are always the worst, I wonder why that is. It kind of feels like some universal truth that everybody experiences, but we're forced to slog through it over and over, faced with a whole new week of untold horrors. Maybe that's what's worse for me—the unknown. I guess I've always been a coward, no big secret there, I really just crave the stability I used to have. Sex isn't some magic cure-all, but being able to be intimate with Jonah again, I don't know, it reminds me a lot of how things were. He even crept back over to the house last night so we could do it one more time before our weekend was through, I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one who missed it.
And it's not really just about the sex either, it's about getting to be with the man I love. Right after we finished my skin felt warm, and I didn't completely hate getting out of bed this morning—which was nearly impossible anyway when he was still wrapped in my covers, taunting me with that seductive smile of his. Staying there with him, in that bed, in that room, was such a beautiful feeling, I only wish it could've lasted when I had to leave. As awake as I felt when we were together, that feeling only continues to fade for every minute we're apart and I'm back to my far less beautiful reality.
The verbal warning I got from one of my professors still weighs heavily on my mind, which only makes me think about Maddy. Devin had brought her up again after I saw her in the student center, he's convinced himself that since we dated for so long we should be able to work something out now. I'm not even sure how to begin explaining it to him, he would just defend his stupid idea by saying that I don't have a better plan and he'd be right. It really is a lot of unknown lately, but right now all I want is to hurry through the day so I can go home to Jonah.
"Get your head out of your ass, I'm not paying you to stand around." Bill joins me next to the coffee pot, having decided that I've been idling here for long enough. Thinking about Jonah has not only helped me skate through every last one of my classes, but basically my entire shift as well. Sadly, Bill doesn't share my vision, "I've been meaning to catch up with you, kid. I'm going to be out tomorrow, I was thinking you could stay a little later and lock up for me."
"You're not coming in again?" While I'm desperately trying to force my life to return to normal, my uncle's continues to diverge from its rigorously structured course. I know I shouldn't ask, I know how much he'll hate it, but he came in late today too and the curiosity eats at me. "I mean I can stay, whatever, it's no deal or anything, but is there something I should know?"
"Nothing for you to be worried about, I promise, it wouldn't interest you." He tries to remain a solemn mystery, grabbing his cup of coffee and turning back towards his office, but I'm not so easily fooled.
"Why? Is it about my dad? You can tell me straight, Bill, did he get himself in trouble again?" Sometimes I do pay attention, and this wouldn't be the first time he's gotten all extra secretive about the sorry excuse that is my father. It wasn't lost on me that he dropped Bill off earlier, it's weird seeing so much of him all of a sudden. My uncle hesitates, and if I cared enough I could probably ferret it out all on own—my dad's an asshole and a drunk, the opportunities are endless—but I get ahead of myself. "God, he never fucking learns, does he?"
"Hey! Show some respect, he's still your old man." Bill smacks me upside the head. For a second I forgot that they're brothers, and no matter what happens—whether they fight or one of them abandons his son—they don't stop being family. "You don't know what you're talking about, it's not like that. You want to stay and lock up or no? That's all I asked you for."
"Whatever you say." I submit, throwing my hands up. What good would it do to press the issue? He's right, it's nothing I should care about, so I try to go back to my desk but he only grabs ahold of my shoulder to stop me. His hand is gruff at first, but then his hold softens and he offers a few pats instead.
"I just don't want you getting all worked up for nothing, yeah? Hey, tell you what, do this for me and I'll grab takeout from your favorite place when I get back. Deal?" His hand rises, waiting to be shook. From what I can tell he seems more sympathetic now, like maybe he's not just a brother anymore, but an uncle too, and again I can imagine how hard it is for him to be in the middle. For no other reason than that I let it go, exhaling slowly before grasping his hand. Well that, and because he knows I love Chinese way too fucking much to pass up the offer.
"Deal," I agree, so much left unsaid. It looks like there might be something else he hasn't said either, but any chance of finding out what it is disappears when the door opens and we both glance over to see Jonah enter the garage. He smiles big while holding up the bag he's carrying, and I feel such immense relief. I won't lie, it wouldn't have shocked me one bit if it had been my dad walking through that door, but I like this face much better. "Jonah, what are you doing here?"
"I hope its okay, I got out a little early and thought I'd surprise you." He embraces me lovingly when I go over to greet him, the both of us failing to remember our surroundings until we hear Bill clear his throat. From that reaction, and the way he's staring at the floor, I get the distinct feeling he for one would've much preferred had it been my dad coming in.
"Bill, you remember my boyfriend, Jonah? Jonah, uncle Bill."
"Sure, good seeing you again." Bill nods to him, shoving his hands into his pockets. They've only met each other like twice before, but they've never really interacted, even now it's obviously uncomfortable for him so he rushes to address me again. "You can go ahead and go, just don't forget about tomorrow."
He can't be bothered to wait around after that, and once he's retreated back into his office I follow Jonah outside where he kisses me again, freely, before offering up the bag as a gift. Inside I find a cheeseburger, ordered exactly the way I like it, and I smile at him gratefully while I take a bite. He chuckles, grabbing my free hand so that we can start our walk back to campus.
"So what was all that, about tomorrow?" Jonah wonders.
"Nothing, Bill just needs help with the garage, you know, the usual. How was your day?" Probably infinitely more interesting than mine.
"Kind of crazy, actually, I didn't really have time for much. I've really been struggling trying to get all my work done, which is honestly why I took off a little early, but then I thought I'd rather see you instead." No matter what, Jonah will always choose me, and sometimes I feel bad about that. I've already been worried about cutting into his classwork with all the extra attention I need since I've been unable to find a tutor.
"As much as I love that," I roll my eyes dramatically, teasing him, "maybe you should take this weekend or something to start a new project—it's been a while."
"Maybe, I was looking at a bunch of old photos I took and had this cool idea, but I don't know." He's always been super into photography, and he's so good at it, but I can't remember the last time he's been able to do anything more with it than dream. He still dreams, "funny you said that though, you sound like Bram. He was trying to convince me to enter this art competition over there in New York."
"You talked to Bram?" I'm glad that Jonah's been able to maintain such close friendships with the people who mattered most to him in high school. I'm actually a little jealous, he still has me and Grace and Bram—who lives all the way across the country—and all I have left from those days is him. Well, Maddy too, I guess, though that hasn't shaped up to be the kind of quality relationship I would've hoped for.
"Earlier I did, I told him it sounded like an awesome opportunity, but I really can't take anything else on right now. Besides, you need me more."
"It's not like that." I stop to look at him, a sinking feeling in my gut when I find him teetering right on that fine line of pity. It makes me brash, "you should do it, I want you to."
"Really, it's not a big deal, the studio putting it on is giving out these internships to the winners, and what would I want to go all the way to New York for when I have everything I need here?" Jonah does exactly what I knew he would—he continues to choose me. The selfish part that I can't control wants to think that might not be the worst thing, especially when he reaches over to brush my cheek with the tips of his fingers, but I know better. I'm stuck in a brand new in-between though, where I don't want his pity, but I'm also not crazy about the thought of him skipping states.
Being apart from him for any amount of time—a few weeks, a month—is maybe the most terrifying thing I can imagine, especially right when he's all I have. So I'm incredibly relieved when his phone rings, and I wait for him to answer while he only continues to stare at it with the same cautious expression I've come to expect from Bill. That's how I know it's his mom again. This is all so familiar, and he just lets it ring, not like last time when he shut it off, so I have to wonder if there's a selfish part in him too that wants to pick up.
It's like with my dad. It's like me knowing what the score is, but then there are still those moments where I want what I can't have, or that I feel like I'm owed. If he answered her call it would be because he's hoping for something that's surely not waiting on the other end, and it would only end up being a disappointment. I recognize the look of relief on him all too well when the ringing finally stops, leaving us in a dead quiet while he brings his eyes up to mine. I'm not sure what he wants from me exactly, but I shrug and throw an arm around his shoulder, guiding him back home.
We don't speak anymore of competitions, my work, or our parents; and I suspect it's better that way. Instead we talk about movies, and people, and all the things I still want to give him in this rotten world. We talk about the things I know will make him happy, because that's my number one priority, and I think I've managed to give him some kind of peace when we finally make it back to the frat house. Hearing his laughter is the best medicine, and I'm colder without it when he says he loves me and leaves with a kiss goodnight. I stand at the end of the sidewalk and watch him go, no thought of turning away until he's completely gone from my sight.
It's a perfectly fine ending to the night.
Or it would be if that's where it ended, but when I venture into the house I practically collide with Devin. The look he serves up blends sympathy nicely together with humor, but otherwise he seems mostly panicked as he stands there fumbling for his words.
"Shit, you're back sooner than I expected. Uh, okay, so I did a thing, and you're probably going to be pissed about it, but I want you to try and keep an open mind." He grimaces. "I know how stressed you've been and it just felt like the right thing to do—I had to call her!"
"An open mind about what? Who did you call?" I ask, the first notion of dread creeping in when I consider one of those untold horrors I hadn't known to expect.
"Who do you think, asswipe?" Maddy steps into view behind him, arms crossed and engorged with venom. "Clearly still not a fan of common sense, I see."
"Maddy?" My muscles tense out of some innate response, ready for the impending fight. Why would she come back here? Why would Devin ask her to? He must be pretty confident standing so close to me, because if I wasn't so completely floored I'd probably beat the shit out of him.
"Yes, wow, with that skill of deduction I can't imagine why you're failing." She scowls. "Frankenstein's right, you obviously need my help, no doubt about it, but if I'm going to agree to this then we need to be clear that I'm in charge, got it? You don't call me, you don't text, you don't even look at me unless I say so. Close your mouth and nod so I know you understand."
"What the hell are you talking about? What makes you think I want anything from you?" This is crazy, I knew she was desperate but apparently I've gravely underestimated just how much. The real question, though, is how desperate does she think I am? How desperate am I?
"Don't think I didn't catch you staring at me yesterday. And as much as it made my blood boil, I got to thinking, maybe there is some use for you after all."
"You're fucking joking, right? After all that horrible shit you said, you can't honestly think I would pay you for anything." It doesn't matter that we have a history, that she's been one of the only people capable of helping me. It doesn't matter that I would love nothing more than to quit leaning so heavily on Jonah, there has to be another solution. The thought of getting involved with her again should be enough to make me bolt back out of the door, but, for whatever reason I don't. For some reason I stay, I listen, I wait for some explanation that might possibly make sense of this.
"I don't want your money, shitdick." She laughs mercilessly. "If I help you, you're going to help me."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means I'll make sure you pass all your classes, and in return you're going to help me find a boyfriend before the year's over. You know, one who'll actually stick around. Oh, and preferably one who's not a flaming homo." Her offer is clear, and she snubs her nose triumphantly, as if she already knows the score, and that I have no other options. Maybe I am desperate—to be better, to be worthy—but how can she think this would ever work? Worse, why haven't I told her no? There are so many ways for this brewing storm to go wrong, and yet I find myself trying to rationalize it as our new alliance is formed. "I'll take that as a yes. Congratulations, I'm about to be the best thing that ever happened to you. Again."